Since Wednesday, my whole perspective has changed. On my birthday, I wrote a really depressing blog post about how I felt like everything I was doing here was so ephemeral that it hardly really mattered, and how upset that made me. I reread a part of it before I published it and quickly realized it would spark some serious concern if people were to read that as my main birthday blog post. But truth be told, besides my burrito and margarita dinner with Abby, my actually birthday day sucked. I was depressed all day long, thinking about what 23 had been like and how much of that year I'd spent feeling unloveable... and believing it to be true.
I'm the first person to speak out against people wasting their time on people who don't appreciate them, and then I do it. How many nights per week didn't J come home until mid morning because she rather be with her friends getting drunk and going to strip clubs instead of coming home to me? How insulting "jokes" have I taken from people who are supposedly interested in me?
After my birthday night out dancing being a total bust, it really woke me up.
I have a quote I printed out an out inside my closet to read (but never do) that reads: "If you really thought you deserved better, you'd have it."
Boy, is that true.
And so on my birthday night I resolved to not be that girl anymore. I have 275 kids who ADORE me. A private school who has seen who I really am and wants more than anything for me to stay with them, because their realize now unique and valuable I am. I have a best friend who listens to me and giggles with me and goes on adventures with me and has made me see myself as a really good friend and person.
So, pardon the French, but FUCK these other people.
They don't see it, which speaks volumes about them. Not about me. The only thing that's spoken volumes about myself is that I sit there and let them have control over how I feel and see myself.
The fact is (and I've seen this over and over again in the students relationships with different teachers in my school), you determine how people treat you. Each person creates their own boundaries. And I've never seen myself as wonderful enough to set those boundaries, I guess. I don't know why - I really like myself quite a bit. But when it comes to other people, I have that fear of being alone. And so I just put up with stupid shit.
And that was my 24th birthday resolution: Seeing myself as spectacular and deserving of the best. In my job, at home, with friends and - most of all - in relationships.
I have a board on Pinterest called "Who I'm Becoming Next," and what sets the pictures of those girls apart from me is the self-confidence and self-love and self-respect they exude. The things that made me cry at night when I was 23 wouldn't even ruffle those girls' feathers - instead, they'd simply be bemused by others actions and simply say, "No, thanks" and walk away to something much better suited to their wonderful selves.
I will not sit there on my 25th birthday, feeling ashamed of how I let people who supposedly loved me made me feel so awful about myself. No. On my 25th birthday, I will be out with all of my amazing friends (and adoring boyfriend?!), beaming, thinking about how far I've come in the past year and how I've never felt so adored and proud to be who I am.
Twenty three was my last year as a "kid." Twenty four is my debut year as an "adult." And I want it to set the tone for how amazing my adult life is going to be. I don't need to feel small and insecure and insignificant anymore, because I know now that none of that is true. I am who I decide I am, and if somebody doesn't understand that, no need to expel my energy of them... Because there are plenty of others who get it.
I write all of this because tonight was the first time I had to uphold that resolution. My initial reaction was to give in, but I turned on a good song and sat back and started visualizing the life I want. The big, antique map on the wall of my next apartment with pins showing where I've been and where I want to go; the dark seafoam green Vespa with the dark brown leather that I will rise to and from work every day with a big smile that's impossible to wipe off my face; the adorable, adventurous, polyglot friends I'll meet up with for tapas and drinks and dancing on Friday nights; the first significant other I'll have ever had who makes me feel like I'm not in a competition with anybody or anything else, but instead inspires me to love myself more than ever and is the selfless, loving, adoring, successful, self-actualized, sweet cherry to my sundae. <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
And suddenly I was so enveloped in my visualization that I forgot all about the other thing!
Between Saturday spa and hang out day with Abby and Wednesday's job offer... Between a student making me a clay cupcake for my birthday... Patty giving me adorable birthday presents and me giving her an awesome NYC guidebook I hand made her and all of our giggling... Nacho's parents asking if I would give them lessons, after seeing him get a perfect score on his English test without even studying because he just knew everything from hanging out with me... Anothe student's mom asking if I could save her a spot next year for private lessons for her daughter, because I'm all she talks about... My Bachi's adorable and creative blogs... This has been the best first week of being 24! And if it's any indication of what being 24 will be like... I think it might just turn out to be my favorite age so far! ;)
XOXO
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