There is no better place to write long, rambling, semi philosophical posts than on a long distance RENFE train going through the Andalucian countryside! This is my version of blissful writing scenery and circumstances. ^_^
Abby emailed me last night from Paris and in her letter she wrote how crazy it was that after we get back, well only have three months left before everything is over. No more Master's program, no more cute apartment, no more CISTA and no more Abbies. :( And the idea of only 90 more days of this wonderful life I've come to adore made me upset.
The idea of change always freaks a person out - especially (?) me. What if this is as good as life gets? What if I never find another friend and roomie as awesome as Abby? What if I never find a job I adore as much as this one? What if I never find an apartment as wonderful as this one?
And then I remembered the secret I've become privy to through years of learning and studying and experiencing and journaling. I looked down at my left wrist and smiled. I'm not a big believer that the future is something that happens to you; I believe the future is something you construct yourself. In essence, it's up to me to create as I desire. The symbol reminds me to always make what comes next even more amazing than where I've just come from.
There is a Pinterest quote that says, "Worrying is a waste of imagination." :)
I'm not sure what I will be doing this summer. I'll need a job of some sort, and a normal person would be getting nervous about it... But, as with many things, I have a ineffable feeling that the universe is in the process of creating the perfect summer adventure for me. All I have to do is be open to it and find it. I'm sure this sounds irresponsible to most, but it's exactly how I've got my last two jobs and met the people in my life who I truly value as of recent. I think many have forgotten the wonder of serendipity through putting out the right energy.
Man, I sound like such a hippie. Ha!
Anyway, there are only three months that I must figure out, cause after that I have some tentative plans. As of right now, I will be teaching in a public school in Madrid proper starting October 1st, and can keep that job until 2015 if I so desire (which I'm 98% sure I won't, but it's nice to know I have job stability!). I'm seriously looking into buying a seafoam green Vespa and plan on getting an apartment near Malasaña with Spanish natives near my age. I really thought my Spanish abilities had stayed stagnant since I'd arrived this go around, but after this trip, I'm seeing that I've picked up a lot more than I realized. So imagining how good I could really get if I lived with natives and really immersed myself is a tantalizing thought!
When I left Colorado at 18, I was nervous to leave my home and friends and everything I knew - but when I got to Fondy, I got introduced to West Coast Swing, got to live with G and Sam, and met J. When I left Fondy, I was nervous to be officially living by myself and was scared I would never see J again - but I loved living in my adorable dorm castle and enjoyed all of my linguistics classes, and starting dating J! When I left my little dorm room, I was nervous about leaving that blissful little bit of life behind - but then I moved into the co-op, which is where I met B and got the idea of living abroad in my head.
I could go on, but the point is, I always have to leave something wonderful behind, but what I gain from the next chapter is something that is always absolutely essential to my story and something unexpected and enchanting. Had I stayed in any of those past chapters for any longer, I wouldn't be where I am now!
There is a part in my most important book that says something to the effect that once you learn not to fear the future and the uncertainties intrinsic in looking to the future, and instead can be confident that everything that will happen will be for your highest good... Well, you've really attainted a level of faith that previously would have seemed impossible.
For years I had OCD because I was always scared of something changing. The idea of future change literally petrified me so much that I developed a disorder to cope with it. So to be where I am - to have faith in myself and the universe - is a huge leap from where I was even half a year ago. And this achievement is not lost on me in the slightest.
I think what the past seven months have really taught me is that my life is far more up to me than I ever imagined. I always thought life just sort of happened to a person, and while they had a little say over it, it wasn't a significant enough amount to really make too much of a difference. But living with people who think this so strongly, and seeing their lives from an objective view point, has shown me how erroneous that belief is.
The past seven months have taught me that love doesn't mean being miserable, that risks pay off, that what you want more than anything else is sometimes not given to you because there is something even better waiting for you than you'd been able to imagine, that I'm not some awkward, disliked, antisocial creature but that I've just been hanging around the wrong people, that I'm loved for who I am and how unique I am by the right people and the wrong people's opinions aren't important because they just weren't meant to understand and there is nothing wrong with that, that I will do anything for people I truly care about and there are people who are really grateful for the little things I do, that my way of living through adventure is an extremely rare way of living and I shouldn't judge people who live in different ways or take it personally when people are confused by my way of living, that I have an entirely different perspective of life and death than the majority of people and that just because it's different doesn't mean I need to second guess it, that I can change what I don't like in my life and that the universe is on my side.
I think that's the biggest one. That the universe is on my side. At least I think it is. I'm too young to really know if all of these philosophies I'm trying on for size are "correct" or not... But so far, I'd say yes. So far, the universe seems to be on my side. I try my best at everything the universe has given me and am grateful for it everyday. And, in exchange, when something isn't working out, I ask the universe for help and it sends me a little parachute down from my sponsors. ;) Haha.
So I guess as Spring Break nears its end, I'm not as nervous as perhaps I logically should be about only having three more months until life once again shifts gears. But that's only because the purpose of life is change, and I've read my favorite book enough times to actually begin to believe that all change is for my highest good and that things wouldn't change if somewhere inside I weren't ready for them to. I've loved this experience, and I'm excited to continue it next Tueaday... But I'm also excited for what comes next. Imagine if my wrist is right and each experience does get better and better!
XOXO
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