"Man, if only Jenna Marbles had just one video without cuss words... Or maybe there are 'clean' edited versions online? Nah... that would totally take a super important element out of the humor... Maybe I could email her and ask if she could do a video for all those poor ESL kids out there who could use some Hot and Hilarious American Girl Motivation?! Hahaha... Nah, she's not going to do that."
I forgot all about it for a few hours until I saw on my Facebook she'd uploaded her video for the week. I watched it and laughed (as usual!) and was delighted that it only had two F words! ;) For a Jenna Marbles video, that's like saying Jenna converted into a nun for the week - hahaha.
After watching, I realized I'd never seen last week's video and quickly went to watch it. To say I was ill-prepared for the next six seconds would be a vast understatment.
For the first time, Jenna made a video that showed her inside self. And it was amazing.
There are always people like Jenna who seem to have the perfect life: this girl is way attractive, has a hilariously unique personality that is adored worldwide by millions of people and has made her super famous, seems to have awesome friends and had a sweet boyfriend, lives in a gorgeous place in LA, is educated, gets to travel and basically gets to do what she loves for a living and probably makes bank doing it. Basically, she is one of the girls I want to be when I'm having a really off day.
And then she posted this vlog... and my respect for her skyrocketed.
In the video she drew out her life story on a dry erase board and narrated it – and the common thread tying it all together was, “I don't know what I'm doing... I feel kinda lonely...”
I realize it sounds ridiculous to say that I thought I was the only person who felt this way... because I know 99% of the world feels this way sometimes... but to have somebody who looks like she has her shit together so solidly open up about how she really feels inside sometimes... it was a complete epiphany.
The way she described her relationships, her jobs, feeling lonely and lost, but how she felt when she did what she loved... suddenly this person I had always idolized in a way was on my level and it made me realize how having a bunch of fans and invitations is not what defines success. Success is that little buzzy, bumbly feeling in your tummy you get when you look around at your life while you're doing the most mundane task in the world and you say to yourself, “Wow. I wish I could tell 15 year old me about what her life is going to be like. She would be so proud and amazed. And... it's only the beginning!”
Yep, as it turns out, sometimes, success STEMS FROM having no set path AND from having to fight for yourself when you feel so small and insignificant.
At the end of her vlog, she drew a flower and said she thinks things are okay, though, because it all gives her a chance to grow. I couldn't help but smile at this conclusion, as I felt it was perfectly put. As I approach my 24th birthday (one week!), I'm seeing so many people around me getting married, having babies, getting “real people” jobs. They seem to have their lives figured out. See, at first this petrified me. But then, I realized, what I wanted more than to be surrounded by the same people who loved me every day and go to the same job every day for the rest of my life was to have room to grow... and grow... and grow... and grow.
Maybe it's not conventional, but I've never been the conventional type, anyway. And so, as I quickly approach 24, I no longer feel fearful and shameful about not being on everybody else's track – but, instead, I feel invigorated by the sheer amount of possibilities that lay before me. Once again, it goes back to those Ani lyrics, “I won't forfeit my creativity to a world that's all laid out for me... All of this was just someone's idea – it could just as well have been mine.”
I think the Jennas and the Chelseas of the world sometimes try so hard to fit themselves into the cookie cutter life that is purported to be so “wonderful.” They try so hard, but they weren't designed to be in those molds, and so when they fail... they feel like there is something intrinsically wrong with them. They feel lost. They feel alone. They feel small. They feel like a disappointment. They feel confused. They feel scared. They feel like everybody has it all figured out and they're the slow kid in the corner of the classroom whose been given up on even my their own teacher. And the frustration is all the worse, because they KNOW they should be better than that. THEY of all people should know what they're doing and be adored and be on track.
The tricky thing to realize is that not fitting into that cookie cutter life doesn't make them a lost, lonely failure. Instead, it's what makes them so incredible. It's what gives them their fire and their talent and their uniqueness and their power to do the incredible.
If suddenly you turn feeling lost and fearful into feeling an infinite sense of possibility and wonder. If suddenly you turn feeling alone into feeling a wonderful sense of individuality and go into the world looking for people who will be able to appreciate that in you, rather than trying to get the attention and love from the people who weren't built to appreciate it (“You can be the juiciest peach in the world, and there will still be someone who doesn't like peaches.”)... If suddenly you turn feeling confused and a disappointment into feeling a tide of creativity and passion for what you love take over your being...
… the gratitude you'll have not being a cookie cutter sort of person will overflow and fill your life with the craziest of adventures and whimsical experiences.
I wish I could write something to other non-cookie cutter people to explain this to them. To help them to see it. But the crux of it is, we non-cookie cutter people thrive on figuring things out on our own. It's like the very definition of us – you can't tell us what to think or what to do! And that's what makes us so awesome. <3
Jenna's video really changed the way I will define success from now on, and I'm extremely grateful for that. I adore the transparency and quiet bravery it took her to post such a vlog and can't wait for the day she posts a new one, proclaiming that the question she always comes back to is no longer, “What am I doing...?” but rather, “What do I get to do next!!?” ^_^
XOXO
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