My dad wrote me an email this morning about my blog, telling me how much he enjoys reading it because I am "so refreshingly honest & willing to bare [my] soul." He went on to write that he "admire[s my] journey to find the 'truths' in life."
I would say that accurately sums up my blog in a nutshell.
But his words did more than make me smile, a little embarrassed about my dad being my main reader (ha). His words made me decide to REALLY bare soul, for good or for bad:
I've being trying to desperately avoid thinking about it and, certainly, avoid writing about it. But it's just bothering me too much, and while I tried to write my best friend about it and see if he could help, his response, though sweet and nonjudgmental, didn't make it go away. It was only after I read an article on The Boston Globe's website today and realized I wasnt the only one did I decide to risk it and write today's blog about what it has been that's out me in such a dark place the past few days:
I feel an ALARMING amount of empathy for the younger brother of the Boston bombings.
I know I shouldn't. I know I should hate him. I know I should see him as a murderer and as evil. I know I should have nothing but disgust for him. I know I should think about the four people who died because of his actions and the hundred plus severely injured by it. I know I should think about how he made one of my best friend's life turn upside down because of it all. I know I should be enraged by his stupidity and complete lack of respect for humanity and for a country (my country) that had taken him in and given him and his family a wonderful chance at a life they could only dream of in their native country.
But for some reason... For some stupid and incomprehensible reason... I have this voice in my head that keeps saying, "Yeah, but..." It started after I had a dream about him while my roomie and I had a live feed on while we were sleeping. But ever since then, no matter how much I try to ignore it or how unpatriotic it makes me feel or how hard it is to be in the same room as my Bostonian roomie when it starts up again or how sick to my stomach it has made me all week... It just keeps whispering, "Yeah, but..."
"Yeah, but... Maybe it was just his brother's effed up ideas and he was brainwashed into doing it. We don't usually persecute the brainwashed, but instead pity them. Maybe the reasons the brother gave seemed logical, coming from somebody he respected, even though they were clearly not. The fact that after his brother was dead he didn't hurt anyone else and instead hid in a boat could show he really wasn't wanting to hurt people. The fact that he's been cooperating and answering all of the questions the police have must show that he's not a crazy evil person."
And I can't help but wonder what he was thinking as he hid in that boat. And what he's thinking now as he lies in that guarded hospital room with a hole in is throat and the knowledge that he's just lost his entire life. Does he wake up and hope for a second he was dreaming? Does he replay agreeing to it all in his head and ask himself why he did? Does he feel remorseful for the people he hurt and killed? Would he do it again if given the opportunity? Does he feel it was worth it?
With most criminals, there is a distinct sense of removing them from humanity. The Aurora theater shooter is clinically insane. Al Qaida terrorists are brainwashed and have long ago lost touch with reality. They are not people - they are shells of people. We need not have empathy for them, because they lost their humanity long ago.
But this guy? He doesn't fit the image. He doesn't come across as utterly soulless. It'a much harder just to write him off as evil, because (and this is the worst part), there are aspects of ourselves we can see in him - whether were conscious of it or not. And that's both nauseating and petrifying.
I remember when I was 14 my parents read a book about the "Gay Agenda" and how homosexual people were trying to take over America and corrupt it. They were going to start with gay marriage, and then who knows what they would do next to ruin the moral fabric of our country! Inch by inch they would turn it into filth.
I remember them telling me about the book. I remember them agreeing with it. I remember being afraid by the unknown implications it implied, because they were. I would go to school and debate people on gay marriage - little by little becoming disgusted with people who were in favor of it.
Of course, it was all irrational, and it was only because my parents had told me about it and I believed their opinions to be absolute and correct. But I would defend it no matter what.
Five years later I would fall in love with a girl, become part of the gay community for half a decade, and quickly realized how ridiculous and homophobic the whole thing had been - but it took me a little while to not feel like my personal choices weren't possibly weakening my country in some imperceivable way...
I'm not saying I would have blatantly murdered people over what they told me, but I am saying it really altered my perception of the truth for a good long time. But given the right warped logic, the right affinity and respect for someone I looked up to and a hint of xenophobia*... I'm not so sure convincing me that making a scene to terrorize or raise awareness would be impossible.
I, myself, have never had the inexplicable urge to harm or kill anyone. Along with a healthy dose of respect for humanity, I never see others potential demise as outweighing my own future. I have, however, had two second "What if I..." thoughts, that seem to fade from my mind just as quickly as they randomly got there. I think them when I see a metro go past: "What if I just 'accidentally' hopped off the platform?" I think them when I get really irrationally angry at somebody close to me: "What if I just 'accidentally' said this awful thing to them?" I think them at random and after the pass, I always take a few more seconds to imagine the result.
Anyway, the point is, the fact that I can imagine putting myself in his place for even two seconds makes me feel empathy. And feeling empathy makes me feel... ashamed. It's almost worse that there's humanity in him than had he just been insane or beyond brainwashed; it adds a whole new dimension of dissonance.
As if my inner confusion and guilt weren't enough, sharing a room with one of my good friends who was freaking out and crying all week as pictures came up on her Facebook of friends with bullet holes in their bedrooms from the gunfights and as she talked to friends and family who were feet away when the explosions happened... That really adds to it.
I, more than most perhaps, know what it feels like to have an awful tragedy happen minutes from your home, and you be far away and unable to do anything. I remember how deeply it affected me for quite awhile. And I can't imagine how I would have felt if I'd been living with someone who was secretly feeling empathy for the perpetrator and irrationally thinking to herself, "Well this guy wasn't as blatantly mentally ill and didn't kill a quarter as many people as he killed in the tragedy where I lived..."
So on top of feeling utterly nuts for not just hating the guy, I feel even worse because I live with my good friend who was obviously quite affected by it all, and I still can't bring myself to stop feeling the way I do.
And that is why I have been in such a funk all week. That is why I have been completely avoiding her since Saturday. That is why I've felt so sick to my stomach all week. And after spending two and a half hours writing this, I still don't feel much better, nor know what to make of my perspective. I keep checking the news, hoping either he has released a heartfelt apology to the victims so that I can feel a little less insane about it all... Or hoping he has come out saying he would do it again and he's not sorry, just so that I can finally stop feeling this way.
But without more information, I'm stuck in this place of wanting to believe even people who do horrible, horrible things can still merge from their awful decision and act, still having a soul. I can't tell you why that feels like it would be so important to me, but it does. Perhaps, in a strange way, if somebody who did something that awful could somehow still have their humanity intact on the other side of it all, it would make me feel like all the things I have done wrong in my life - no matter how awful they were - do not have to define who I am today. Perhaps, I can see too much of myself and Conor and J in it all to be able to just turn off my hope, even if it turns out to be based in nothing but idiotic naivety.
I've never felt so ashamed and like I was betraying a friend so acutely as I feel now because of nothing but a feeling in the back of my mind that logic can't expunge. I hope I can forgive myself sooner rather than later for my judgement being uncharacteristically clouded by innocence. The voice inside hopes that innocence turns out to be based on something real, but the logical part of me hopes it turns out to be based on nothing but ridiculous naivety that will soon be squashed.
:-/
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Day 234 (Part One): Xenophobia*
As I travel the world more and live in Madrid for an extended period of time, people suddenly seem to be much more alike than I ever thought, yet, at the same time, far more different from each other than I ever imagined. You can go out for a beer with them and talk about life and really connect, and then they can look at your feet and exclaim in horror, "Oh my god, you're wearing FLIP FLOPS?!" and suddenly it's like you never met.
Intrinsically, I feel that everyone wants to be happy and loved and fulfilled, but the outwards expression of that and way of going about those things are incredibly different from person to person and culture to culture. And sometimes the differences can be so hard to comprehend that they just seem "backwards" and plain "wrong."
I cannot count on my fingers and toes the number of times I've heard my American friends here bashing the Spanish for cultural differences they've witnessed. Their doctors are incompetent, the old ladies are bitchy, the children are unruly, service is impersonal, everyone is too loud, etc. etc. And that's highly educated Americans studying for their Master's degree here, in a Western country whose values and lifestyle are really not half as different from 98% of other countries in the world.
And it's not one sided. I had to read a batch of high school senior essays last week about America's violent gun culture and how barbaric and selfish we all are. They made up fact after fact to support their preconceived notions about a country half of them have never even set foot in.
So the fact that one man got on the bandwagon of America Hating after becoming disillusioned with his own experience in the country is not in the least bit shocking to me. Half the American students in my program who came here to avoid aspects of their lives back home and hoping for a good time here are literally counting the days until they can return home to "people like themselves," and surely never plan on returning here again. To think of what kind of life they'd have here if they were unable to return home for whatever reason... Scary.
But imagine if they had, on top of their interminable list of cultural differences that angered them, Spain had been in a war of a country where their religious and political ideals were prevalent... Man, things would really get ugly.
Intrinsically, I feel that everyone wants to be happy and loved and fulfilled, but the outwards expression of that and way of going about those things are incredibly different from person to person and culture to culture. And sometimes the differences can be so hard to comprehend that they just seem "backwards" and plain "wrong."
I cannot count on my fingers and toes the number of times I've heard my American friends here bashing the Spanish for cultural differences they've witnessed. Their doctors are incompetent, the old ladies are bitchy, the children are unruly, service is impersonal, everyone is too loud, etc. etc. And that's highly educated Americans studying for their Master's degree here, in a Western country whose values and lifestyle are really not half as different from 98% of other countries in the world.
And it's not one sided. I had to read a batch of high school senior essays last week about America's violent gun culture and how barbaric and selfish we all are. They made up fact after fact to support their preconceived notions about a country half of them have never even set foot in.
So the fact that one man got on the bandwagon of America Hating after becoming disillusioned with his own experience in the country is not in the least bit shocking to me. Half the American students in my program who came here to avoid aspects of their lives back home and hoping for a good time here are literally counting the days until they can return home to "people like themselves," and surely never plan on returning here again. To think of what kind of life they'd have here if they were unable to return home for whatever reason... Scary.
But imagine if they had, on top of their interminable list of cultural differences that angered them, Spain had been in a war of a country where their religious and political ideals were prevalent... Man, things would really get ugly.
Day 233: Funk
Abby always thinks I'm full of crap when I say I have an "American" version of myself, but that's only cause she's never seen me in America. I strongly dislike American me. She's insecure, which makes her kinda rude and depressed. When I'm abroad, she only comes out a handful of times... And the past few days have been victim to her. I know it is because of Saturday, and I know I should really get over it, but today apparently wasn't the day.
I only had three classes, and my private class was canceled, so I was set up for a relaxing Wednesday... But instead of relaxing, it felt long and empty. >_< Jeeze, how ridiculous.
I did find out from Laura that Nacho's parents were very happy with our first lesson together, and that was nice to hear. I also caught up on my blog and made the next high school blog project on Boston, so those should be interesting posts.
But past that? It was a pretty dull day.
Sometimes I feel really guilty for having listless, bs days... But then I remember that you can't have good days without something to contrast them to, and that it's okay to not always be overflowing with happiness. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but if not, I'll let myself have one more day like this before I have to stop.
XOXO
I only had three classes, and my private class was canceled, so I was set up for a relaxing Wednesday... But instead of relaxing, it felt long and empty. >_< Jeeze, how ridiculous.
I did find out from Laura that Nacho's parents were very happy with our first lesson together, and that was nice to hear. I also caught up on my blog and made the next high school blog project on Boston, so those should be interesting posts.
But past that? It was a pretty dull day.
Sometimes I feel really guilty for having listless, bs days... But then I remember that you can't have good days without something to contrast them to, and that it's okay to not always be overflowing with happiness. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but if not, I'll let myself have one more day like this before I have to stop.
XOXO
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Day 232: Fourteen Hours of Happy
Tuesdays have officially become my longest day of the week. Longest, but (by far) certainly not the worst. Mondays are the worst. Tuesdays are just long. I get on the bus at 8:35am. My only break in the day is lunch. After my five classes I teach during the school day, I have play class with Nacho. After that (as of today), I have an hour of conversation class with his parents! Then, I run to the train, get to Madrid, transfer between two metros, walk, and get to Patty's. An hour and a half later, she drops me off at the train station. My train home is 55 minutes long.
I could technically get home by 11:30, but (seeing as how I hadn't eaten since breakfast, 12 hours ago) I decided to stop at 100 Montaditos for a quick bite and a large beer. Current ETA? Midnight. (And yes, I am writing this from the train! Interesting fact: I write the majority of my blogs on the train... :-P)
But, despite my work day being roughly 14 hours long, I had a lovely Tuesday.
The first two classes sucked, but Laura's class perked me up, as usual. I know I say the Bachis are my favorite. I'm not reneging on that. But Laura's 3rd grade comes in at a VERY close second. ;) And that's who I had today!!! ^_^ Nothing snaps me out of a funk like those kids. :o)
Their adorableness motivated me to do my (awesome and inspired) rough draft of my final project at lunch... Which brings me to my life long question: Why am I so great at procrastination? It's not even that I pull it off in the end - it's that mine is always way better than everyone else's... including those who have been working on it for weeks and weeks!? Man. I swear this is my biggest talent in life!! I used to think it was luck, but now I'm starting to see it as a sort of super power. What takes other people serious planning and brainpower takes me five minutes of intense, zen thought. And then, BOOM. Inspired idea.
This talent really pays off in the classroom as a teacher. Man, does it ever! I got to fourth period and pulled out an awesome activity OUT OF MY A$&. I put the 6th graders in four groups of four and gave each group a kids book to read. They then had to summarize it and each give their personal opinion on it. Then, they'd switch books with another group. Cool, okay. But what really made it work was that I put each group on the board and told them every time I heard their group use Spanish, I'd put a sad face on the board. The idea was the group with least sad faces would win.
But they took it way seriously. I heard one Spanish sentence in 30 minutes.
This, coming from one of the classes that teachers are always screaming at to speak in English, yet they never do.
I changed up the rules and started giving smiley faces to the groups who were being witty, using English when they didn't think I was listening, etc. Make it a completion and game and suddenly everyone is fluent! O_o
After school it was Nacho time. Sometimes I feel like I understand how kid play therapy psychologists work... See, he and I can be coloring or playing hide and seek or Hungry Humgry Hippos, and I have to find a way to ask him questions and get him talking. It's a very delicate art form, I must say! But the adorable part is he almost always understands exactly what I said, and almost always has a perfect response! ^_^
Last Tuesday, after our play lesson, his mom told me how he had gotten a perfect score on his English exam. She told me how she'd tried to study with him, but how he already knew it all. She was so impressed by this that she asked if by chance I gave adult lessons. When I responded that I did, she jumped at the opportunity and asked if I could give her lessons after Nacho on Tuesdays and Thursdays! Her husband came home while we were discussing it and said he'd be interested, too!
Holy crap! I just love unexpected awesomeness!
This was the mom that I was worried wanted to fire me when Nacho started telling her for a few weeks he never wanted me to come back again. I never knew if she liked me or if she thought his classes with me were worth it.
And then this!
Anyway, today was our first lesson and it actually went really well! ^_^ Once again, didn't prepare a thing... Made it all up as I went... But by the end of the hour, the mom was talking to Nacho in English without fear or embarrassment on her face! A HUGE thing for her, who I'd never heard speak a word of English in the eight months I've known her because of her "embarrassment when it comes to speaking English..." :-) Awesome!
While the ending of the lesson was a big win, the whole thing
I could technically get home by 11:30, but (seeing as how I hadn't eaten since breakfast, 12 hours ago) I decided to stop at 100 Montaditos for a quick bite and a large beer. Current ETA? Midnight. (And yes, I am writing this from the train! Interesting fact: I write the majority of my blogs on the train... :-P)
But, despite my work day being roughly 14 hours long, I had a lovely Tuesday.
The first two classes sucked, but Laura's class perked me up, as usual. I know I say the Bachis are my favorite. I'm not reneging on that. But Laura's 3rd grade comes in at a VERY close second. ;) And that's who I had today!!! ^_^ Nothing snaps me out of a funk like those kids. :o)
Their adorableness motivated me to do my (awesome and inspired) rough draft of my final project at lunch... Which brings me to my life long question: Why am I so great at procrastination? It's not even that I pull it off in the end - it's that mine is always way better than everyone else's... including those who have been working on it for weeks and weeks!? Man. I swear this is my biggest talent in life!! I used to think it was luck, but now I'm starting to see it as a sort of super power. What takes other people serious planning and brainpower takes me five minutes of intense, zen thought. And then, BOOM. Inspired idea.
This talent really pays off in the classroom as a teacher. Man, does it ever! I got to fourth period and pulled out an awesome activity OUT OF MY A$&. I put the 6th graders in four groups of four and gave each group a kids book to read. They then had to summarize it and each give their personal opinion on it. Then, they'd switch books with another group. Cool, okay. But what really made it work was that I put each group on the board and told them every time I heard their group use Spanish, I'd put a sad face on the board. The idea was the group with least sad faces would win.
But they took it way seriously. I heard one Spanish sentence in 30 minutes.
This, coming from one of the classes that teachers are always screaming at to speak in English, yet they never do.
I changed up the rules and started giving smiley faces to the groups who were being witty, using English when they didn't think I was listening, etc. Make it a completion and game and suddenly everyone is fluent! O_o
After school it was Nacho time. Sometimes I feel like I understand how kid play therapy psychologists work... See, he and I can be coloring or playing hide and seek or Hungry Humgry Hippos, and I have to find a way to ask him questions and get him talking. It's a very delicate art form, I must say! But the adorable part is he almost always understands exactly what I said, and almost always has a perfect response! ^_^
Last Tuesday, after our play lesson, his mom told me how he had gotten a perfect score on his English exam. She told me how she'd tried to study with him, but how he already knew it all. She was so impressed by this that she asked if by chance I gave adult lessons. When I responded that I did, she jumped at the opportunity and asked if I could give her lessons after Nacho on Tuesdays and Thursdays! Her husband came home while we were discussing it and said he'd be interested, too!
Holy crap! I just love unexpected awesomeness!
This was the mom that I was worried wanted to fire me when Nacho started telling her for a few weeks he never wanted me to come back again. I never knew if she liked me or if she thought his classes with me were worth it.
And then this!
Anyway, today was our first lesson and it actually went really well! ^_^ Once again, didn't prepare a thing... Made it all up as I went... But by the end of the hour, the mom was talking to Nacho in English without fear or embarrassment on her face! A HUGE thing for her, who I'd never heard speak a word of English in the eight months I've known her because of her "embarrassment when it comes to speaking English..." :-) Awesome!
While the ending of the lesson was a big win, the whole thing
Day 231: Eff Mondays
Today. Sucked.
It's not often that I say that, but holy crap.
I was totally unprepared for my beloved Bachis, which meant no witty dialogue with Favorite nor Pineapple. :( They'd all done great blogs - which I wasn't expecting - and so I kinda just pretended like they had stuff to work on, while their teacher observed. >_<
Next was Laura's 2nd graders, who I had listen to a story. But as soon as she left the room, all hell broke loose, and I felt like a joke. Why did they offer ME a job there when I can't make 2nd graders pay attention for five minutes. Ugh.
And then it was the 7th graders. Between breaks and subbing, I haven't had to deal with them in over a month, and so today, when I had to deal with their bullshit for 1.5 hours, I lost it. I literally cussed them out, screaming. I threw notebooks at people's heads and didn't stop until their oblivious, facebooking teacher asked what was wrong.
What was wrong was that they were all fooling around, disrespectful as shit, giggling, being imbeciles for 45 minutes while a handful of people tried to hear what I was saying over their inane bullshit.
The teacher immediately told them they'd be having a week without any recess for making the most calm and patient teacher in the school absolutely lose it.
They effing deserve it.
They are the one anomaly of that whole school. They are so rude and cocky and slimy. I just hate them. I could combine my 1st graders and 45 of them would be more mature and respectful than this lot - and better at English, to boot. >_<
And that pretty much sealed the tone of my day.
The Seniors complained that writing 250 words about themselves was asking too much and they had too many exams, as they sat there laughing about stupid crap in Spanish and doing virtually nothing. >_< Obnoxious 7th graders even did that assignment - TWICE - without complaining. And these 17 year olds have had three classes to do it. Ugh.
After school classes were no better, and mostly I wanted to give up and go to the bar next-door. >_<
When I got home, I had two shots, half a bottle of wine and half a pack of Oreos, with cream cheese and fresh strawberries. And when I was ready to be civil, all my roommates were asleep - by 10 pm!!!!!
So.
Over.
Monday.
Eff this.
*later*
I just spent an hour and a half looking at old photos from the past six years. And I look so happy in them. But I wasn't. I had adoring boyfriends. I had adoring girlfriends. I had adoring best friends. But I know that outside of those poses for the camera, I felt utterly incomplete.
I know today sucked, but I can count on one hand the amount of days that have sucked since I moved here. And that's crazy.
Maybe the answer really isn't finding that other person, but finding yourself and what fulfills you on your own, first... O_o
It's not often that I say that, but holy crap.
I was totally unprepared for my beloved Bachis, which meant no witty dialogue with Favorite nor Pineapple. :( They'd all done great blogs - which I wasn't expecting - and so I kinda just pretended like they had stuff to work on, while their teacher observed. >_<
Next was Laura's 2nd graders, who I had listen to a story. But as soon as she left the room, all hell broke loose, and I felt like a joke. Why did they offer ME a job there when I can't make 2nd graders pay attention for five minutes. Ugh.
And then it was the 7th graders. Between breaks and subbing, I haven't had to deal with them in over a month, and so today, when I had to deal with their bullshit for 1.5 hours, I lost it. I literally cussed them out, screaming. I threw notebooks at people's heads and didn't stop until their oblivious, facebooking teacher asked what was wrong.
What was wrong was that they were all fooling around, disrespectful as shit, giggling, being imbeciles for 45 minutes while a handful of people tried to hear what I was saying over their inane bullshit.
The teacher immediately told them they'd be having a week without any recess for making the most calm and patient teacher in the school absolutely lose it.
They effing deserve it.
They are the one anomaly of that whole school. They are so rude and cocky and slimy. I just hate them. I could combine my 1st graders and 45 of them would be more mature and respectful than this lot - and better at English, to boot. >_<
And that pretty much sealed the tone of my day.
The Seniors complained that writing 250 words about themselves was asking too much and they had too many exams, as they sat there laughing about stupid crap in Spanish and doing virtually nothing. >_< Obnoxious 7th graders even did that assignment - TWICE - without complaining. And these 17 year olds have had three classes to do it. Ugh.
After school classes were no better, and mostly I wanted to give up and go to the bar next-door. >_<
When I got home, I had two shots, half a bottle of wine and half a pack of Oreos, with cream cheese and fresh strawberries. And when I was ready to be civil, all my roommates were asleep - by 10 pm!!!!!
So.
Over.
Monday.
Eff this.
*later*
I just spent an hour and a half looking at old photos from the past six years. And I look so happy in them. But I wasn't. I had adoring boyfriends. I had adoring girlfriends. I had adoring best friends. But I know that outside of those poses for the camera, I felt utterly incomplete.
I know today sucked, but I can count on one hand the amount of days that have sucked since I moved here. And that's crazy.
Maybe the answer really isn't finding that other person, but finding yourself and what fulfills you on your own, first... O_o
Day 230: Chelsea Day
¨to cabbage¨ verb - To GUILTLESSLY spend Sundays in your PJs watching silly TV while reading gossip magazines, eating comfort food, doing an art project, or whatever else is on your guilty pleasures to-do list, with the main goal of vegging out and recharching for the coming week.
After a stressful week with all of the Boston happenings, a freaking out friend and roomie drama... I was READY for some serious cabbaging. With most of the people in my apartment went to the Rastro for the day, and so I was free to sleep in, listen to my music loudly and sing along, never change out of my PJs, and generally do whatever I pleased.
And. It. Was. Glorious.
I slept in as late as my body would allow (10:30 am?! WTF, body?!), got up, had some strawberries with sugar (yummy), saw a coloring book on my desk that my mom had sent me for Christmas but that I´d yet to open, and became immediately inspired. Three hours later, I´d watched ¨The Secret¨ for the second time in a week, watched every single ¨Friends¨ blooper reel I could find THREE times, listened to tons of music I´d forgotten I loved... all while coloring a picture of kitties. When my picture was complete, I took a mini break for food, and then changed medium. I put the coloring book away and got out my favorite journal and started up on that with the piles of markers now spread all over my bed. I wrote and I wrote and I sang and I sang, happy as a freak´n clam still in her PJs. ^_^
I decided to conclude my amazing afternoon with a visualization meditation, which turned out to be one of the best ones ever. I´m sure to others, visualizing sounds absolutely hokey and ridiculous, but to me? It is like a ridiculously amazing super power I possess that few even know exists as a possible super power.
I think it might have been somewhere in this TED Talk that I heard the concept that happiness that was created by the mind was just as real as happiness created based on real experiences. And that idea got me thinking about visualization. Even if it were to turn out that visualizing didn´t actually work (which I´ve proven enough to not be the case... but just supposing), the happiness that I get out of it is completely real, and that certainly counts for a lot.
My explanation of the process of visualizing is like this: you get to come up with the most amazing thing you can possibly think of and suddenly become submerged in that alternate reality completely. As you linger there, more details fall into place, and as more details fall into place, the more real it feels. And, of course, the more real it feels, the happier you get. In a state of visualization, every single thing is mesmorizing. A smell, a color, a feeling, a sound. All of it. And when you practice it quietly in your room or in the shower, suddenly when amazing things happen in real life - no matter how small they might seem to others - you get that rush of amazement and magic that you experience while visualizing.
On the grand scale, according to new age philosophies, visualization is supposed to be a means by which you can consciously craft your future to your exact specifications. Supposedly, the energy you put out about what you want will be matched by the Universe´s energy. But it´s not as simple as ¨I am going to think about the lottery and I am going to win it.¨ No - the point of it isn´t that magic just happens... the point is that you get used to feeling that sense of happiness and gratitude that you are supposed to be feeling while visualizing, and by practicing feeling those positive emotions, you start to feel that way during your normal day. And as you feel that way and exude that positive energy, people and opportunities and experiences are drawn to you, and you are open to them and take advantage of thoughts and ideas and opportunities as they arise, with a new sense of confidence and enthusiasm - like you have while visualizing.
I´ve tried to explain it to people who aren´t into the whole thing, and the largely look at me like I´m full of crap. But then, they´re the ones who complain every day about their lives, and I´m the one who is currently, on the whole, pretty darned happy and grateful for everything around me! ;) In my opinion, it is much more powerful than it may at first logically seem. And after you do it for awhile, you realize it´s not about some new agey voodoo power, but just about conditioning your brain to see the world from a new perspective. And that new perspectives dramatically change EVERYTHING about a person and their existance.
Anyway - enough rambling. The point of this post was merely to say, today I did exactly what I wanted. I colored in a coloring book. I giggled over and over again at the same bloopers. I ate lots of strawberries with mountains of sugar sprinkled on them. I went to the store at night and bought Double Stuffed Oreos and dipped them in cream cheese just because I could. I journaled a bunch in my favorite journal that I always want to have perfect entries, but today I didn´t worry about that. I sang to music I liked in middle school. I didn´t shower until late at night. I smelled like yummy greasy cuddles. I talked to Wellington a lot and hugged him a lot. I imagined a crazy awesome near-future. I did whatever I pleased, and in the end didn´t feel like I´d wasted a single second of my day. It was, in fact, one of the best days I´ve had - and I´ve had some pretty great days recently! But just to spend the whole day with myself, fully entertained and chipper, was awesome.
When I finally emerged from my room around 7pm (still in my PJs with strawberry juice dripped on them), my roomie asked how much studying I´d gotten in and how many pages of my thesis I´d written. I just laughed and said I´d been coloring in a coloring book all day. She looked at me horrified, and all I could do was giggle.
This is what makes me so much different from other people.
And this is why I love who I am so much.
<3
XOXO
Day 229: Eh.
Today was... Awkward.
And boy, it really wasn't supposed to be at all. It was supposed to be like the past two Saturdays were - giggling and shopping and culinary adventures. It was supposed to be my absolute favorite day of the week!
But instead it was... just... lackluster.
I should have know when we woke up and she asked if I was sure I didn't want to just go tomorrow instead. I should have said, "Sure! No problem!" But I didn't... 'cause, jeeze, I had been looking forward to our Saturday adventure all week long.
We went into Madrid. We went tanning like we'd planned. We went to Retiro with a beer like we'd planned. We went shopping (at Primark), like we'd planned. But something just wasn't right.
I'm sure it was all of the stress from her week, dealing with all the horrible stuff going on minutes from her friends and family back at home. Probably what she needed wasn't an exciting day out, but a day to herself to reflect and just be. But I was selfish, and I wanted my string of Fabulous Saturdays to continue!
So her distance all day, sprinkled by a rude comment or two, was really upsetting to me. Perhaps, more upsetting than it should have rationally been. :-/ I felt like maybe I'd offended her somewhere throughout the week's events without meaning to, or something... Because she'd never really been like that to me before. To others, sure. But not me.
I've found that when there is tension between the two of us, it really really get to me - in all aspects of things. It makes me feel a little weird, as I'm sure it doesn't affect her the same way at all... Actually, I usually feel this way with people I'm close to. I always feel like I take things too emotionally or hard than they do... And I hate it. >_<
I was ready to go home and just be by myself for a bit, but when I got there, my other two roomies invited me out for tapas. I was kinda pooped and low on money, but I figured it might cheer me up.
Wrong.
I always have small conversations with my roomies in passing or whatever, but I don't think I'd ever sat down with the pair of them and just listened. Their perspectives on many things were just so 180 from mine and all at once I got that feeling I get when I'm around 99% of people - that I just don't fit in and that I don't really want to if having that perspective is what it would take. I immediately missed Abby, and then realized I had gone out to tapas to avoid thinking about the strange day we'd had... And then I really felt yucky in my stomach.
And that's how I started to see why I date people who have so many flaws - because at least they don't have these foreign perspectives I so cannot relate to! >_<
Somewhere in the world, people like me must exist. Somewhere. And some of those people certainly are sweet and respectful and loving and whole and content with their lives. And boy would I like to know where those people spend their time, so that I could casually bump into them and join their underground society of awesomeness!
And so, my Saturday full of possibilities ultimately left me feeling like the odd duck out. But maybe that's not a bad thing? Maybe being that odd duck out is what will turn out to be my greatest blessing...? Here's to hoping! ;)
XOXO
And boy, it really wasn't supposed to be at all. It was supposed to be like the past two Saturdays were - giggling and shopping and culinary adventures. It was supposed to be my absolute favorite day of the week!
But instead it was... just... lackluster.
I should have know when we woke up and she asked if I was sure I didn't want to just go tomorrow instead. I should have said, "Sure! No problem!" But I didn't... 'cause, jeeze, I had been looking forward to our Saturday adventure all week long.
We went into Madrid. We went tanning like we'd planned. We went to Retiro with a beer like we'd planned. We went shopping (at Primark), like we'd planned. But something just wasn't right.
I'm sure it was all of the stress from her week, dealing with all the horrible stuff going on minutes from her friends and family back at home. Probably what she needed wasn't an exciting day out, but a day to herself to reflect and just be. But I was selfish, and I wanted my string of Fabulous Saturdays to continue!
So her distance all day, sprinkled by a rude comment or two, was really upsetting to me. Perhaps, more upsetting than it should have rationally been. :-/ I felt like maybe I'd offended her somewhere throughout the week's events without meaning to, or something... Because she'd never really been like that to me before. To others, sure. But not me.
I've found that when there is tension between the two of us, it really really get to me - in all aspects of things. It makes me feel a little weird, as I'm sure it doesn't affect her the same way at all... Actually, I usually feel this way with people I'm close to. I always feel like I take things too emotionally or hard than they do... And I hate it. >_<
I was ready to go home and just be by myself for a bit, but when I got there, my other two roomies invited me out for tapas. I was kinda pooped and low on money, but I figured it might cheer me up.
Wrong.
I always have small conversations with my roomies in passing or whatever, but I don't think I'd ever sat down with the pair of them and just listened. Their perspectives on many things were just so 180 from mine and all at once I got that feeling I get when I'm around 99% of people - that I just don't fit in and that I don't really want to if having that perspective is what it would take. I immediately missed Abby, and then realized I had gone out to tapas to avoid thinking about the strange day we'd had... And then I really felt yucky in my stomach.
And that's how I started to see why I date people who have so many flaws - because at least they don't have these foreign perspectives I so cannot relate to! >_<
Somewhere in the world, people like me must exist. Somewhere. And some of those people certainly are sweet and respectful and loving and whole and content with their lives. And boy would I like to know where those people spend their time, so that I could casually bump into them and join their underground society of awesomeness!
And so, my Saturday full of possibilities ultimately left me feeling like the odd duck out. But maybe that's not a bad thing? Maybe being that odd duck out is what will turn out to be my greatest blessing...? Here's to hoping! ;)
XOXO
Day 228: Juiciest Peach
Since Wednesday, my whole perspective has changed. On my birthday, I wrote a really depressing blog post about how I felt like everything I was doing here was so ephemeral that it hardly really mattered, and how upset that made me. I reread a part of it before I published it and quickly realized it would spark some serious concern if people were to read that as my main birthday blog post. But truth be told, besides my burrito and margarita dinner with Abby, my actually birthday day sucked. I was depressed all day long, thinking about what 23 had been like and how much of that year I'd spent feeling unloveable... and believing it to be true.
I'm the first person to speak out against people wasting their time on people who don't appreciate them, and then I do it. How many nights per week didn't J come home until mid morning because she rather be with her friends getting drunk and going to strip clubs instead of coming home to me? How insulting "jokes" have I taken from people who are supposedly interested in me?
After my birthday night out dancing being a total bust, it really woke me up.
I have a quote I printed out an out inside my closet to read (but never do) that reads: "If you really thought you deserved better, you'd have it."
Boy, is that true.
And so on my birthday night I resolved to not be that girl anymore. I have 275 kids who ADORE me. A private school who has seen who I really am and wants more than anything for me to stay with them, because their realize now unique and valuable I am. I have a best friend who listens to me and giggles with me and goes on adventures with me and has made me see myself as a really good friend and person.
So, pardon the French, but FUCK these other people.
They don't see it, which speaks volumes about them. Not about me. The only thing that's spoken volumes about myself is that I sit there and let them have control over how I feel and see myself.
The fact is (and I've seen this over and over again in the students relationships with different teachers in my school), you determine how people treat you. Each person creates their own boundaries. And I've never seen myself as wonderful enough to set those boundaries, I guess. I don't know why - I really like myself quite a bit. But when it comes to other people, I have that fear of being alone. And so I just put up with stupid shit.
And that was my 24th birthday resolution: Seeing myself as spectacular and deserving of the best. In my job, at home, with friends and - most of all - in relationships.
I have a board on Pinterest called "Who I'm Becoming Next," and what sets the pictures of those girls apart from me is the self-confidence and self-love and self-respect they exude. The things that made me cry at night when I was 23 wouldn't even ruffle those girls' feathers - instead, they'd simply be bemused by others actions and simply say, "No, thanks" and walk away to something much better suited to their wonderful selves.
I will not sit there on my 25th birthday, feeling ashamed of how I let people who supposedly loved me made me feel so awful about myself. No. On my 25th birthday, I will be out with all of my amazing friends (and adoring boyfriend?!), beaming, thinking about how far I've come in the past year and how I've never felt so adored and proud to be who I am.
Twenty three was my last year as a "kid." Twenty four is my debut year as an "adult." And I want it to set the tone for how amazing my adult life is going to be. I don't need to feel small and insecure and insignificant anymore, because I know now that none of that is true. I am who I decide I am, and if somebody doesn't understand that, no need to expel my energy of them... Because there are plenty of others who get it.
I write all of this because tonight was the first time I had to uphold that resolution. My initial reaction was to give in, but I turned on a good song and sat back and started visualizing the life I want. The big, antique map on the wall of my next apartment with pins showing where I've been and where I want to go; the dark seafoam green Vespa with the dark brown leather that I will rise to and from work every day with a big smile that's impossible to wipe off my face; the adorable, adventurous, polyglot friends I'll meet up with for tapas and drinks and dancing on Friday nights; the first significant other I'll have ever had who makes me feel like I'm not in a competition with anybody or anything else, but instead inspires me to love myself more than ever and is the selfless, loving, adoring, successful, self-actualized, sweet cherry to my sundae. <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
And suddenly I was so enveloped in my visualization that I forgot all about the other thing!
Between Saturday spa and hang out day with Abby and Wednesday's job offer... Between a student making me a clay cupcake for my birthday... Patty giving me adorable birthday presents and me giving her an awesome NYC guidebook I hand made her and all of our giggling... Nacho's parents asking if I would give them lessons, after seeing him get a perfect score on his English test without even studying because he just knew everything from hanging out with me... Anothe student's mom asking if I could save her a spot next year for private lessons for her daughter, because I'm all she talks about... My Bachi's adorable and creative blogs... This has been the best first week of being 24! And if it's any indication of what being 24 will be like... I think it might just turn out to be my favorite age so far! ;)
XOXO
I'm the first person to speak out against people wasting their time on people who don't appreciate them, and then I do it. How many nights per week didn't J come home until mid morning because she rather be with her friends getting drunk and going to strip clubs instead of coming home to me? How insulting "jokes" have I taken from people who are supposedly interested in me?
After my birthday night out dancing being a total bust, it really woke me up.
I have a quote I printed out an out inside my closet to read (but never do) that reads: "If you really thought you deserved better, you'd have it."
Boy, is that true.
And so on my birthday night I resolved to not be that girl anymore. I have 275 kids who ADORE me. A private school who has seen who I really am and wants more than anything for me to stay with them, because their realize now unique and valuable I am. I have a best friend who listens to me and giggles with me and goes on adventures with me and has made me see myself as a really good friend and person.
So, pardon the French, but FUCK these other people.
They don't see it, which speaks volumes about them. Not about me. The only thing that's spoken volumes about myself is that I sit there and let them have control over how I feel and see myself.
The fact is (and I've seen this over and over again in the students relationships with different teachers in my school), you determine how people treat you. Each person creates their own boundaries. And I've never seen myself as wonderful enough to set those boundaries, I guess. I don't know why - I really like myself quite a bit. But when it comes to other people, I have that fear of being alone. And so I just put up with stupid shit.
And that was my 24th birthday resolution: Seeing myself as spectacular and deserving of the best. In my job, at home, with friends and - most of all - in relationships.
I have a board on Pinterest called "Who I'm Becoming Next," and what sets the pictures of those girls apart from me is the self-confidence and self-love and self-respect they exude. The things that made me cry at night when I was 23 wouldn't even ruffle those girls' feathers - instead, they'd simply be bemused by others actions and simply say, "No, thanks" and walk away to something much better suited to their wonderful selves.
I will not sit there on my 25th birthday, feeling ashamed of how I let people who supposedly loved me made me feel so awful about myself. No. On my 25th birthday, I will be out with all of my amazing friends (and adoring boyfriend?!), beaming, thinking about how far I've come in the past year and how I've never felt so adored and proud to be who I am.
Twenty three was my last year as a "kid." Twenty four is my debut year as an "adult." And I want it to set the tone for how amazing my adult life is going to be. I don't need to feel small and insecure and insignificant anymore, because I know now that none of that is true. I am who I decide I am, and if somebody doesn't understand that, no need to expel my energy of them... Because there are plenty of others who get it.
I write all of this because tonight was the first time I had to uphold that resolution. My initial reaction was to give in, but I turned on a good song and sat back and started visualizing the life I want. The big, antique map on the wall of my next apartment with pins showing where I've been and where I want to go; the dark seafoam green Vespa with the dark brown leather that I will rise to and from work every day with a big smile that's impossible to wipe off my face; the adorable, adventurous, polyglot friends I'll meet up with for tapas and drinks and dancing on Friday nights; the first significant other I'll have ever had who makes me feel like I'm not in a competition with anybody or anything else, but instead inspires me to love myself more than ever and is the selfless, loving, adoring, successful, self-actualized, sweet cherry to my sundae. <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
And suddenly I was so enveloped in my visualization that I forgot all about the other thing!
Between Saturday spa and hang out day with Abby and Wednesday's job offer... Between a student making me a clay cupcake for my birthday... Patty giving me adorable birthday presents and me giving her an awesome NYC guidebook I hand made her and all of our giggling... Nacho's parents asking if I would give them lessons, after seeing him get a perfect score on his English test without even studying because he just knew everything from hanging out with me... Anothe student's mom asking if I could save her a spot next year for private lessons for her daughter, because I'm all she talks about... My Bachi's adorable and creative blogs... This has been the best first week of being 24! And if it's any indication of what being 24 will be like... I think it might just turn out to be my favorite age so far! ;)
XOXO
Day 227: Calm Wisdom
Sometimes, I have absolutely no idea where where this inner calm and feeling of wisdom comes from. It's definitely not always there, but more and more, it's there when I need it. It's a feeling of appreciation, of respect, of love, of seeing others as innocent and full of potential.
It's far from an innate ability, though. It's an amazing gift that came from the worst part of my life. When my parents went through their divorce, and my friends did drugs and were suicidal, and I had to go to four different shrinks, and move schools three times, and breakups and totaled my car. I still remember locking myself in my closet and hiding, just crying in the dark for hours and feeling so alone and powerless.
But that's when my mom got me my Life Coach. And that's when things not only started to turn around, but when I started to be given divine tools at the age of 17 that most people never get a glimpse of, even as older adults.
I began to study the concept that everybody is innocent. That perspective is everything. That respecting other people's truths is how you can truly show them love. I learned how to have a confrontation in a proactive and respectful way. I learned to find parts of myself in others in order to better understand where they were coming from.
I'm far from perfect at any of this even seven years later, but I will say I've had a lot of practice, from listening to Conor when he'd call me in the middle of the night half-suicidal, or when J and I would get really upset with each other...
So this afternoon when I realized something needed to change, I felt like I knew exactly how to go about opening up a dialogue and really listening. I knew how to phrase each sentence, and how to look past some defensiveness and see the other's truth. The conversation went wonderfully and when I got home, everybody was downstairs on the patio of the restaurant under our apartment giggling and having drinks together - something that would have seemed impossible that morning.
Some people are great at sports or art or math or video games, etc. They've spent countless hours of their lives practicing! But one of the things I believe I'm really good at is approaching communication from a different angle than most, and really grasping the bigger picture and psychology of it all. I'm really great at it all the time, nor with everyone... But when I do open my toolbox and pull out those tools... I feel so proud!
I have a long ways to go with my personal study of commutation, but today showed me how far I've really come and just how many tools I have and know how to use! ^_^
XOXO
It's far from an innate ability, though. It's an amazing gift that came from the worst part of my life. When my parents went through their divorce, and my friends did drugs and were suicidal, and I had to go to four different shrinks, and move schools three times, and breakups and totaled my car. I still remember locking myself in my closet and hiding, just crying in the dark for hours and feeling so alone and powerless.
But that's when my mom got me my Life Coach. And that's when things not only started to turn around, but when I started to be given divine tools at the age of 17 that most people never get a glimpse of, even as older adults.
I began to study the concept that everybody is innocent. That perspective is everything. That respecting other people's truths is how you can truly show them love. I learned how to have a confrontation in a proactive and respectful way. I learned to find parts of myself in others in order to better understand where they were coming from.
I'm far from perfect at any of this even seven years later, but I will say I've had a lot of practice, from listening to Conor when he'd call me in the middle of the night half-suicidal, or when J and I would get really upset with each other...
So this afternoon when I realized something needed to change, I felt like I knew exactly how to go about opening up a dialogue and really listening. I knew how to phrase each sentence, and how to look past some defensiveness and see the other's truth. The conversation went wonderfully and when I got home, everybody was downstairs on the patio of the restaurant under our apartment giggling and having drinks together - something that would have seemed impossible that morning.
Some people are great at sports or art or math or video games, etc. They've spent countless hours of their lives practicing! But one of the things I believe I'm really good at is approaching communication from a different angle than most, and really grasping the bigger picture and psychology of it all. I'm really great at it all the time, nor with everyone... But when I do open my toolbox and pull out those tools... I feel so proud!
I have a long ways to go with my personal study of commutation, but today showed me how far I've really come and just how many tools I have and know how to use! ^_^
XOXO
Day 226: The Day That (May Have) Changed My Life
After my third day of subbing in one week, I wanted to do something to let the head mistress know how much I was loving it, how good of a job I thought I was doing and how grateful I was for the opportunity and for her respect and confidence in me. And so I did what I do best - I wrote her a cute note, complete with a shiny star sticker (haha), and put it on her desk to find on Monday morning. It was one of those ideas that popped into my head and felt important, even though I didn't necessarily know why.
When I got to school Monday, I found out another teacher was sick, and so Conchita (infant teacher who accompanies me when I sub "to keep kids in line") and I were together for a fourth day out of six! ^_^ After lunch she told me that she'd been called in for a meeting with the head mistress to discuss my performance. She said she told her that I was doing a wonderful job and that the students seemed to love me as much as I loved them! That I seemed very confident and did exactly what the sub plans told me to, and then some! ^_^
I didn't think anything of it, except that Conchita was sweet. :)
And then today the head mistress (whom I've never spoken to for more than a quick moment) came into the teachers' office and asked me if I had five minutes. Normally, having a person that high up the power ladder asking me to come to their office would have immediately filled me with a flood of anxiety, but not today. I had a split second, where I wondered if I'd done something wrong... But it only took me a blink of my eye to realize that I felt absolutely proud of ALL the work I'd done there! That's never happened to me before...
We walked to her office and she asked me to sit, and closed the door. Instead of sitting on the other side of the desk, she sat down in the chair next to me and began to talk. She told me about finding my "delightful note" and about talking to Conchita about me. She paused, to ask if I was understanding everything - it was all in Spanish and I hadn't said anything yet, because there hadn't been and space for me to do so! When I assured her that I was following just fine (man, my Spanish auditory comprehension has seriously gone through the roof this year!), she continued.
Looking back, I guess I should have expected it, but I was blind sighted. When she asked if I had thought about what I wanted to do next year and if I'd be interested in joining the team... this time as a salaried teacher with my own homeroom and my own classes... I was speechless. Absolutely speechless. She went on to explain that everybody loved me and that I was doing a really great job with the student. She said I was only 24 and it was a perfect age to begin my career. She said that they would love to have me for next year, and if after, I decided I wanted to stay in Spain...
I tried to express my shock and enthusiasm as best I could, but it was near impossible. With all of the emotions I had going on in that moment, I don´t think I would have even been eloquent in English, much less in Spanish!! I did somehow sneak in a sentence or two, asking if they might have room for me to teach in their summer camp this year. ;) She was delighted I´d even asked and said she would go to the head director of the school and talk all of it over with him. She explained she´d wanted to make sure I was even interested before she went to him with the idea.
When I left her office, I went outside into the sunshine on the balcony and I began to cry. (I´d never believed in happy tears, but I quickly realized that these were them.) I couldn´t believe that my creativity and unique understanding of kids and my chipper disposition and my hard work had all been noticed. No - not just noticed, but truly appreciated. I couldn´t believe that the head mistress of this fancy private school - which prides itself on its bilingual education and English program - was asking little ´ol ME to be one of their English teachers!!! Essentially, I´d be turned into one of the biggest selling points of the school. Me. Twenty-four year old, cupcake loving, sleeps with her stuffed dog, BSes classes two seconds before she has to give them, hasn´t really studied much in the way of education theories (but instead plays it by ear and goes on what she feels is different and interesting)...
But after I stopped crying and sweating and freaking out, I stopped to think about it for two seconds and had a serious moment of contemplation. If I had a kid and wanted to send them to the best bilingual school, would I want somebody who was basing their system based off of every other system? Would I want a traditional teacher? Would I want my kids to dread all of the studying they had to do? NO. I would want that young, fresh, creative, silly, fun, understanding, unique, intelligent and innovative teacher teaching my kid.
I swear I feel like I have no idea what I´m doing most of the time - but I still feel like my ideas are far better than the educated, status quo ideas. Imagine what I could come up with if given this opportunity!?!?! Whoa...
Before this afternoon, I´d really felt slightly indifferent about the next year. I figured I´d find the right thing and do my best and just go with the flow. My roomies are the ones who have been FREAKING out about what the summer plans are going to be, what their fall plans are going to be, how their careers are going to come together, etc. And then there´s me. I don´t know if it´s laziness, naivety or faith, but I´ve really turned into one of those obnoxious types that just has faith in the Universe (and Conor) to figure things out, and in exchange I work hard, do my best and appreciate what I have in front of me. When you think about it, driving myself crazy thinking about what my job would be in the future wouldn´t have gotten me a job offer any faster or any better -- if anything, it would have hindered my performance and possibly made it not come.
With this sudden possibility for my future, I allowed myself to start daydreaming as to what it could mean for next year. My first salaried job (albeit a small salary - but a salary nonetheless!), I would be able not to worry about money. That would be cool. I would be able to get a cute apartment in the city with a native or two to practice my Spanish. I would be able to seriously look into getting that Vespa I´ve wanted since I was a kid. I would be able to continue my mission to have a professional yet colorful wardrobe. I could literally live the European dream life that I´ve visualized since I was in middle school. It would become reality. And that´s just crazy.
The money aspect was cool to think about, but what really got me even more hypnotized by my daydream was the notion of being able to have my own classes! I could create my own dicipline structure. I could set whatever classroom atmosphere I desired. I could get kids as enthusiastic and fluent in English as my imagination and innovation could allow! I could have real positive influence on kids´ lives, just by being my awesome self and being a role model for them. I could use my love of ¨The Little Prince¨ to really be one of those unique teachers that seems so cool and seems to get it so much that you can´t help but be enchanted by their classes.
I´ve always loved being creative. I love to paint, I love to write, I love to blog, I love to color, I love to dance, I love to think differently, I love to visualize. Being creative is BLISS. But turning my creativity into something that can serve to educate and inspire others?! UM, DREAM JOB. I always thought I´d end up doing it through a magazine or through books or through some other form of published writing... and I still want to do so... but for now, I think this is the most perfect and ingenious way to start!
And so, now I have to wait. I have to wait for the head mistress to talk to the director. If he okays it, I have to wait to hope I can figure out all of the visa info properly and in time. If I get my visa settled, I have to wait for the school year to start and once again restart my life (for the third time!) in Spain - new place to live, new friends, new activities, new love interests. ;-P
But waiting has never been something that bothers me too much. If it doesn´t work out, I will have been grateful for the opportunity, as it opened my imagination and sense of endless possibilities and feeling of being truly appreciated for who I am unlike anything else could have. I will know there is something else the Universe has planned for me that is even more exquisite.
But if it does work out...
Oh boy... I seriously feel like I could turn this school on its head and make it the most successful private school in the country. No doubts. I have that much (beginner´s) faith in myself and my abilities. Perhaps that´s how every newbie feels in their field, but I have proven my abilities in the past, and am utterly confident I will continue to do so over and over again.
^_^
When I got to school Monday, I found out another teacher was sick, and so Conchita (infant teacher who accompanies me when I sub "to keep kids in line") and I were together for a fourth day out of six! ^_^ After lunch she told me that she'd been called in for a meeting with the head mistress to discuss my performance. She said she told her that I was doing a wonderful job and that the students seemed to love me as much as I loved them! That I seemed very confident and did exactly what the sub plans told me to, and then some! ^_^
I didn't think anything of it, except that Conchita was sweet. :)
And then today the head mistress (whom I've never spoken to for more than a quick moment) came into the teachers' office and asked me if I had five minutes. Normally, having a person that high up the power ladder asking me to come to their office would have immediately filled me with a flood of anxiety, but not today. I had a split second, where I wondered if I'd done something wrong... But it only took me a blink of my eye to realize that I felt absolutely proud of ALL the work I'd done there! That's never happened to me before...
We walked to her office and she asked me to sit, and closed the door. Instead of sitting on the other side of the desk, she sat down in the chair next to me and began to talk. She told me about finding my "delightful note" and about talking to Conchita about me. She paused, to ask if I was understanding everything - it was all in Spanish and I hadn't said anything yet, because there hadn't been and space for me to do so! When I assured her that I was following just fine (man, my Spanish auditory comprehension has seriously gone through the roof this year!), she continued.
Looking back, I guess I should have expected it, but I was blind sighted. When she asked if I had thought about what I wanted to do next year and if I'd be interested in joining the team... this time as a salaried teacher with my own homeroom and my own classes... I was speechless. Absolutely speechless. She went on to explain that everybody loved me and that I was doing a really great job with the student. She said I was only 24 and it was a perfect age to begin my career. She said that they would love to have me for next year, and if after, I decided I wanted to stay in Spain...
I tried to express my shock and enthusiasm as best I could, but it was near impossible. With all of the emotions I had going on in that moment, I don´t think I would have even been eloquent in English, much less in Spanish!! I did somehow sneak in a sentence or two, asking if they might have room for me to teach in their summer camp this year. ;) She was delighted I´d even asked and said she would go to the head director of the school and talk all of it over with him. She explained she´d wanted to make sure I was even interested before she went to him with the idea.
When I left her office, I went outside into the sunshine on the balcony and I began to cry. (I´d never believed in happy tears, but I quickly realized that these were them.) I couldn´t believe that my creativity and unique understanding of kids and my chipper disposition and my hard work had all been noticed. No - not just noticed, but truly appreciated. I couldn´t believe that the head mistress of this fancy private school - which prides itself on its bilingual education and English program - was asking little ´ol ME to be one of their English teachers!!! Essentially, I´d be turned into one of the biggest selling points of the school. Me. Twenty-four year old, cupcake loving, sleeps with her stuffed dog, BSes classes two seconds before she has to give them, hasn´t really studied much in the way of education theories (but instead plays it by ear and goes on what she feels is different and interesting)...
But after I stopped crying and sweating and freaking out, I stopped to think about it for two seconds and had a serious moment of contemplation. If I had a kid and wanted to send them to the best bilingual school, would I want somebody who was basing their system based off of every other system? Would I want a traditional teacher? Would I want my kids to dread all of the studying they had to do? NO. I would want that young, fresh, creative, silly, fun, understanding, unique, intelligent and innovative teacher teaching my kid.
I swear I feel like I have no idea what I´m doing most of the time - but I still feel like my ideas are far better than the educated, status quo ideas. Imagine what I could come up with if given this opportunity!?!?! Whoa...
Before this afternoon, I´d really felt slightly indifferent about the next year. I figured I´d find the right thing and do my best and just go with the flow. My roomies are the ones who have been FREAKING out about what the summer plans are going to be, what their fall plans are going to be, how their careers are going to come together, etc. And then there´s me. I don´t know if it´s laziness, naivety or faith, but I´ve really turned into one of those obnoxious types that just has faith in the Universe (and Conor) to figure things out, and in exchange I work hard, do my best and appreciate what I have in front of me. When you think about it, driving myself crazy thinking about what my job would be in the future wouldn´t have gotten me a job offer any faster or any better -- if anything, it would have hindered my performance and possibly made it not come.
With this sudden possibility for my future, I allowed myself to start daydreaming as to what it could mean for next year. My first salaried job (albeit a small salary - but a salary nonetheless!), I would be able not to worry about money. That would be cool. I would be able to get a cute apartment in the city with a native or two to practice my Spanish. I would be able to seriously look into getting that Vespa I´ve wanted since I was a kid. I would be able to continue my mission to have a professional yet colorful wardrobe. I could literally live the European dream life that I´ve visualized since I was in middle school. It would become reality. And that´s just crazy.
The money aspect was cool to think about, but what really got me even more hypnotized by my daydream was the notion of being able to have my own classes! I could create my own dicipline structure. I could set whatever classroom atmosphere I desired. I could get kids as enthusiastic and fluent in English as my imagination and innovation could allow! I could have real positive influence on kids´ lives, just by being my awesome self and being a role model for them. I could use my love of ¨The Little Prince¨ to really be one of those unique teachers that seems so cool and seems to get it so much that you can´t help but be enchanted by their classes.
I´ve always loved being creative. I love to paint, I love to write, I love to blog, I love to color, I love to dance, I love to think differently, I love to visualize. Being creative is BLISS. But turning my creativity into something that can serve to educate and inspire others?! UM, DREAM JOB. I always thought I´d end up doing it through a magazine or through books or through some other form of published writing... and I still want to do so... but for now, I think this is the most perfect and ingenious way to start!
And so, now I have to wait. I have to wait for the head mistress to talk to the director. If he okays it, I have to wait to hope I can figure out all of the visa info properly and in time. If I get my visa settled, I have to wait for the school year to start and once again restart my life (for the third time!) in Spain - new place to live, new friends, new activities, new love interests. ;-P
But waiting has never been something that bothers me too much. If it doesn´t work out, I will have been grateful for the opportunity, as it opened my imagination and sense of endless possibilities and feeling of being truly appreciated for who I am unlike anything else could have. I will know there is something else the Universe has planned for me that is even more exquisite.
But if it does work out...
Oh boy... I seriously feel like I could turn this school on its head and make it the most successful private school in the country. No doubts. I have that much (beginner´s) faith in myself and my abilities. Perhaps that´s how every newbie feels in their field, but I have proven my abilities in the past, and am utterly confident I will continue to do so over and over again.
^_^
Day 225: Cupcake Birthday Presents
Yesterday's day of subbing for Laura left me feeling great, and so today went by quite nicely. ^_^ The highlight to my day, was probably when one of my 3rd grade girls gave me a late birthday present and card! She'd drawn me a really cute card with students and cupcakes and cute animals all over it, and then had hand made me a clay cupcake and painted it and put little sorinkles on top! Awww!! She was so proud to give it to me, and that made it even more adorable! <3
I decided that when students give me a present, I write them a thank you note - but (obviously) not just any thank you note... I cut a giraffe card out of yellow construction paper and decorate it really cute and then, inside, write my thank you note. ^_^ I did it for one family who gave me a box of chocolates for Christmas, so I thought I'd try it again.
You should have seen this girl's face when I gave it to her. From merely receiving my handmade giraffe thank you note, she looked like a kid on Christmas! Days later, she came up and gave me a big hug and thanked me over and over again for the THANK YOU NOTE! :-P So cute.
Anyway, my good day didn't stop there... Between private lessons, I stopped to have a big beer and some tapas at good 'ol 100 Montaditos. ^_^ Best idea ever. I wasn't buzzed when I got to my second class at 8:30 pm, but I wasn't completely sober either. Nothing makes teaching English until 10pm more pleasant than that! ;)
When I got to Patty's place, she had two little bags full of birthday presents for me in the study!! Um, adorable!! ^_^ She got me adorable yellow socks, rubber stamps (which I can use when grading papers - brilliant) and a little cupcake jar! Awww!!!
And so, my day was lovely and filled with cupcake-themed birthday presents galore from the most unexpected people!! ^_^
XOXO
I decided that when students give me a present, I write them a thank you note - but (obviously) not just any thank you note... I cut a giraffe card out of yellow construction paper and decorate it really cute and then, inside, write my thank you note. ^_^ I did it for one family who gave me a box of chocolates for Christmas, so I thought I'd try it again.
You should have seen this girl's face when I gave it to her. From merely receiving my handmade giraffe thank you note, she looked like a kid on Christmas! Days later, she came up and gave me a big hug and thanked me over and over again for the THANK YOU NOTE! :-P So cute.
Anyway, my good day didn't stop there... Between private lessons, I stopped to have a big beer and some tapas at good 'ol 100 Montaditos. ^_^ Best idea ever. I wasn't buzzed when I got to my second class at 8:30 pm, but I wasn't completely sober either. Nothing makes teaching English until 10pm more pleasant than that! ;)
When I got to Patty's place, she had two little bags full of birthday presents for me in the study!! Um, adorable!! ^_^ She got me adorable yellow socks, rubber stamps (which I can use when grading papers - brilliant) and a little cupcake jar! Awww!!!
And so, my day was lovely and filled with cupcake-themed birthday presents galore from the most unexpected people!! ^_^
XOXO
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Day 224: *stillness*
He stood there with me. He stood there with me silently, and without moving a muscle. He stood there, breathing the same air as me, in unison with the slight rising and falling of my chest. He didn't look at me; he didn't look at anything in particular. He just stood there, staring off into space in the same direction I was. We weren't touching, and yet, with his presence right there next to me, I felt like I was enveloped in the snuggest, tightest, safest hug in the world. He didn't make a noise, and yet, I felt like he was whispering "Everything is going to be alright. I love you." in my ear over and over and over again.
We stood there like that. Together. A minute. Four minutes. Eleven minutes. Fifteen minutes.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to run far away. I wanted to throw up.
But as he stood there with me, our arms draping lifelessly over the balcony, silent and still... A little part of my heart felt like it'd found refuge in the worst storm it'd ever been in. Serendipitously and miraculously, this little soul next to me and come in the nick of time and caught my little sinking, breaking heart. And this little soul knew exactly how to keep it from all a falling apart. He knew to do nothing.
No word, no action, no look that I have ever received in my life has made me feel half as safe and loved and supported as those fifteen minutes of still silence together did.
And so tonight, as more news rolled in, but answers didn't follow, I tried my best to be still and silent. I tried my best to get everyone to disappear and to make myself invisible but wholly present.
White light energy to Boston.
White light energy to my poor little hurting country.
<3
We stood there like that. Together. A minute. Four minutes. Eleven minutes. Fifteen minutes.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to run far away. I wanted to throw up.
But as he stood there with me, our arms draping lifelessly over the balcony, silent and still... A little part of my heart felt like it'd found refuge in the worst storm it'd ever been in. Serendipitously and miraculously, this little soul next to me and come in the nick of time and caught my little sinking, breaking heart. And this little soul knew exactly how to keep it from all a falling apart. He knew to do nothing.
No word, no action, no look that I have ever received in my life has made me feel half as safe and loved and supported as those fifteen minutes of still silence together did.
And so tonight, as more news rolled in, but answers didn't follow, I tried my best to be still and silent. I tried my best to get everyone to disappear and to make myself invisible but wholly present.
White light energy to Boston.
White light energy to my poor little hurting country.
<3
Day 223: Cabbaging
On my first morning to really sleep in since sometime in mid-March, I was poised to sleep in as long as I possibly could - and I think I could have slept til at least 4pm if some yippy dog on the street hadn't started up and not stopped!
I was supposed to study all day, but most of the day was spent looking half-assed for summer jobs and thinking about cleaning my room. ;)
I showered and left the house for the first time all day around 9pm, but only cause I was hungry.
After one of the best Saturdays ever, I welcomed the good ol' lazy, cabbaging Sunday - like the ones I used to have the last time I was in Spain and with L. :)
XOXO
I was supposed to study all day, but most of the day was spent looking half-assed for summer jobs and thinking about cleaning my room. ;)
I showered and left the house for the first time all day around 9pm, but only cause I was hungry.
After one of the best Saturdays ever, I welcomed the good ol' lazy, cabbaging Sunday - like the ones I used to have the last time I was in Spain and with L. :)
XOXO
Day 222: Arabic Baths & Birthday Bliss
While my birthday birthday had turned out to be a bust, I still had a chance to make my birthday awesome. The week before I'd made reservations for Abby and I to go to the Al Hammam Arabic Baths at 2 pm on Saturday for an hour of relaxing baths and a half hour massage. I'd never been to any sort of a spa before, and decided that my 24th birthday was the perfect time to try it out with one of my best friends in tow.
Oh. My. God. What an amazing experience it turned out to be.
Someday I may come back to this post and try to begin to describe how amazing and mysterious and cultural and relaxing and transcendental and blissful the whole thing was. But for now, I prefer to say only that it was utterly ineffable and something that Abby and I certainly plan on doing again. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever walked into! In all honesty.
As we emerged, two hours later, out of the dark baths with calming music, all you could drink tea, essential oils swirling our noses, the soothing Arabic music dancing in our ears, the hypnotizing steam room and the amazing massage... We were blissed out. The sunshine blinded us a bit, but it felt so nice on our freshly scrubbed skin! We just sort of stood there, still in trance, for a few minutes.
The rest of the day was filled with a devious Thai food lunch, strolling down one of my favorite Portlandesque streets and doing a bit of shopping, two cookie stores with lots of yummy cookies, a long walk, tapas and talking.
Over all, the best birthday celebration I could have asked for!! <3
XOXO
Oh. My. God. What an amazing experience it turned out to be.
Someday I may come back to this post and try to begin to describe how amazing and mysterious and cultural and relaxing and transcendental and blissful the whole thing was. But for now, I prefer to say only that it was utterly ineffable and something that Abby and I certainly plan on doing again. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever walked into! In all honesty.
As we emerged, two hours later, out of the dark baths with calming music, all you could drink tea, essential oils swirling our noses, the soothing Arabic music dancing in our ears, the hypnotizing steam room and the amazing massage... We were blissed out. The sunshine blinded us a bit, but it felt so nice on our freshly scrubbed skin! We just sort of stood there, still in trance, for a few minutes.
The rest of the day was filled with a devious Thai food lunch, strolling down one of my favorite Portlandesque streets and doing a bit of shopping, two cookie stores with lots of yummy cookies, a long walk, tapas and talking.
Over all, the best birthday celebration I could have asked for!! <3
XOXO
Day 221: Subbing on Four Hours of Sleep
When I got to school on Friday morning, I was running on four hours of sleep, thanks to my birthday the day before. It wasn't that I hadn't slept because I'd been out all night partying and having so much fun. It was more that I had only gone out til 1:30 am and then couldn't fall asleep because I was too depressed about how crappy the night had turned out, save for my burrito and margarita dinner with Abby. :-/
On Fridays I only have two classes and am done by 12:30, so I wasn't really concerned about my lack of sleep. In no time, I thought, I'd be home and napping.
Yeah... No.
The headmistress rushed into the teachers office as soon as I walked in, myself, telling me that the teacher was still out and that I would be subbing for the third day that week. I'd have classes all day long with the 5th and 6th graders, preparing them for their English exam they'd be having on Monday.
Normally, nothing would have perked me up more than to hear I got to sub... But running on four hours of sleep and banking on the fact I'd be able to be in my bed, napping, by 1pm... Then suddenly being informed I'd have five classes all on my own and wouldn't get home til 5pm? Efffff... >_<
After being with these two classes for half the week on my own, though, we'd started to develop a nice repoire, and so, I thought to myself, if there are any classes I have to hang with running on a lack of sleep, it'd totally be these two. ;)
And so I threw myself into it all, taking the responsibility of preparing them for their English exam on Monday very seriously. Rather than just giving them the review worksheets and having them grade their own as a class, I had each kid complete them (while listening to music, of course, to help them focus and make it more enjoyable) and then turn them in to me. During my lunch break, I sat in the teachers' office and corrected every single sheet - 140 in total. After I corrected them all, I wrote the class a study guide and stapled it to the front of their packet of review sheets. Next, I highlighted the parts of the study guide each individual student needed to focus on based on their mistakes they'd made on the reviews. I wrote each one's American name and put a smiley on it and circled the number of mistakes they had.
When we came back from lunch, the students were shocked I'd not only checked every one of them, but had made each of them a personalized study guide, to boot! Kids came up to me and hugged me, thanking me for helping them prepare for the exam so well. They said they'd never been given a study guide or anything before and they all quickly got to work trying to fix their errors based on the highlighted info in their guides!
Even the girl who usually cries every class was all smiles, working hard and humming along to the music. And the students that are usually disruptive? They were hard at work, too! And when they needed a break, they came and talked to me about their taste in music. :)
When the day was over, everybody thanked me and wished me a great weekend. Their authentic gratitude was utterly adorable. <3
Before I headed for the bus, an idea popped into my head randomly, and without knowing why, I knew I had to do it. I decided I would write the headmistress a quick note, thanking her for the opportunity to sub all week and her confidence in me, as well as inform her of the things I'd tried with the classes (music, study guides, etc.) that they really seemed to benefit from. I put a golden star sticker on it, signed it cutely, and put it on her desk as I left. Little did I know how important that divinely in inspired idea would turn out to be...
Anyway, night was spent napping, and then being dragged out of bed by Abbg, as everybody was waiting to go out for tapas for my birthday. I went out for an hour or two, but I was so pooped from everything that I was the first to head home.
XOXO
On Fridays I only have two classes and am done by 12:30, so I wasn't really concerned about my lack of sleep. In no time, I thought, I'd be home and napping.
Yeah... No.
The headmistress rushed into the teachers office as soon as I walked in, myself, telling me that the teacher was still out and that I would be subbing for the third day that week. I'd have classes all day long with the 5th and 6th graders, preparing them for their English exam they'd be having on Monday.
Normally, nothing would have perked me up more than to hear I got to sub... But running on four hours of sleep and banking on the fact I'd be able to be in my bed, napping, by 1pm... Then suddenly being informed I'd have five classes all on my own and wouldn't get home til 5pm? Efffff... >_<
After being with these two classes for half the week on my own, though, we'd started to develop a nice repoire, and so, I thought to myself, if there are any classes I have to hang with running on a lack of sleep, it'd totally be these two. ;)
And so I threw myself into it all, taking the responsibility of preparing them for their English exam on Monday very seriously. Rather than just giving them the review worksheets and having them grade their own as a class, I had each kid complete them (while listening to music, of course, to help them focus and make it more enjoyable) and then turn them in to me. During my lunch break, I sat in the teachers' office and corrected every single sheet - 140 in total. After I corrected them all, I wrote the class a study guide and stapled it to the front of their packet of review sheets. Next, I highlighted the parts of the study guide each individual student needed to focus on based on their mistakes they'd made on the reviews. I wrote each one's American name and put a smiley on it and circled the number of mistakes they had.
When we came back from lunch, the students were shocked I'd not only checked every one of them, but had made each of them a personalized study guide, to boot! Kids came up to me and hugged me, thanking me for helping them prepare for the exam so well. They said they'd never been given a study guide or anything before and they all quickly got to work trying to fix their errors based on the highlighted info in their guides!
Even the girl who usually cries every class was all smiles, working hard and humming along to the music. And the students that are usually disruptive? They were hard at work, too! And when they needed a break, they came and talked to me about their taste in music. :)
When the day was over, everybody thanked me and wished me a great weekend. Their authentic gratitude was utterly adorable. <3
Before I headed for the bus, an idea popped into my head randomly, and without knowing why, I knew I had to do it. I decided I would write the headmistress a quick note, thanking her for the opportunity to sub all week and her confidence in me, as well as inform her of the things I'd tried with the classes (music, study guides, etc.) that they really seemed to benefit from. I put a golden star sticker on it, signed it cutely, and put it on her desk as I left. Little did I know how important that divinely in inspired idea would turn out to be...
Anyway, night was spent napping, and then being dragged out of bed by Abbg, as everybody was waiting to go out for tapas for my birthday. I went out for an hour or two, but I was so pooped from everything that I was the first to head home.
XOXO
Friday, April 19, 2013
Day 220 (Part II): Birthday Reflection and Intention
Two of my biggest dreams came true while I was 23:
1) I got to live in a gorgeous apartment with the girl I'd loved since I was 19 in an awesome city with plenty of money to spend on delicious meals and random adventures.
2) I got to live in a cute apartment with great new friends in an awesome city with a job that challenged me and allowed me to be appreciated for the creative, unique person I am.
But while I may have constructed those two "dream life" scenes near perfectly, a (big) part of me always felt that there was (a big) something missing. I feel like an alarmingly HUGE chunk of being 23 was consumed by me feeling like I wasn't good enough...
And that's what I want to change for good this year as a 24 year old. As a 24 year old, I want to burgeon into a self-confident, fulfilled and happy young lady. I want to exude grace and creativity while feeling grateful and deserving. I want to be surrounded by people who truly appreciate me and respect me and look forward to being around me. I want to be surrounded by successful, self-actualized people who are adventurous and freely give their love. I want to be one of those people.
I don't want to grow up into an adult, nor do I want to continue feeling like a kid; I want to find that rare path that takes to to that perfect in between where you don't take life too seriously, but you also aren't stuck in immature ways of thought.
I want to be the kind of young lady who always looks nice, who always exudes an attitude of gratitude and wonder and confidence, who is adored. I want to be the kind of young lady who isn't silent because she's second guessing herself or getting nervous about what people might be thinking about her, but instead is blissfully lost in her own imagination. I don't want to waste so much time on people who don't recognize me for how awesome I am, and spend more time on people do.
That last part has pretty much summed up being 23. And man, what a waste of time. There's some quote about how you can be the juiciest peach in the world, but there will still be people who don't like peaches. I need to seriously find something better to do than convince these people that peaches are great, and then second guess myself, wondering if they really are... >_< I have lived like that for practically my whole life, and honestly if I could only succeed in one thing while being 24, it would be in this.
I had a tiny, tiny taste of the life I want when I was in Dublin... And oh my God I loved it.
So how do I make 24 the best year yet? Here's the recipe:
1) A googleplex of awesome, successful, mature, funny, adventurous, self-actualized, stylish, polyglot friends.
2) A creative job where I feel indispensable and adored... That I can't wait to go to on Monday morning!
3) A lot of dance, writing and other creative outlets of self expression.
4) A cozy abode where I can rest and recharge.
5) Travel and linguistic adventures that help me to learn and grow.
I want my default mode to be self-confidence, and for the days of thinking, "I'm not good enough for them... They probably are happier when I'm not around" to be a thing of the PAST.
1) I got to live in a gorgeous apartment with the girl I'd loved since I was 19 in an awesome city with plenty of money to spend on delicious meals and random adventures.
2) I got to live in a cute apartment with great new friends in an awesome city with a job that challenged me and allowed me to be appreciated for the creative, unique person I am.
But while I may have constructed those two "dream life" scenes near perfectly, a (big) part of me always felt that there was (a big) something missing. I feel like an alarmingly HUGE chunk of being 23 was consumed by me feeling like I wasn't good enough...
And that's what I want to change for good this year as a 24 year old. As a 24 year old, I want to burgeon into a self-confident, fulfilled and happy young lady. I want to exude grace and creativity while feeling grateful and deserving. I want to be surrounded by people who truly appreciate me and respect me and look forward to being around me. I want to be surrounded by successful, self-actualized people who are adventurous and freely give their love. I want to be one of those people.
I don't want to grow up into an adult, nor do I want to continue feeling like a kid; I want to find that rare path that takes to to that perfect in between where you don't take life too seriously, but you also aren't stuck in immature ways of thought.
I want to be the kind of young lady who always looks nice, who always exudes an attitude of gratitude and wonder and confidence, who is adored. I want to be the kind of young lady who isn't silent because she's second guessing herself or getting nervous about what people might be thinking about her, but instead is blissfully lost in her own imagination. I don't want to waste so much time on people who don't recognize me for how awesome I am, and spend more time on people do.
That last part has pretty much summed up being 23. And man, what a waste of time. There's some quote about how you can be the juiciest peach in the world, but there will still be people who don't like peaches. I need to seriously find something better to do than convince these people that peaches are great, and then second guess myself, wondering if they really are... >_< I have lived like that for practically my whole life, and honestly if I could only succeed in one thing while being 24, it would be in this.
I had a tiny, tiny taste of the life I want when I was in Dublin... And oh my God I loved it.
So how do I make 24 the best year yet? Here's the recipe:
1) A googleplex of awesome, successful, mature, funny, adventurous, self-actualized, stylish, polyglot friends.
2) A creative job where I feel indispensable and adored... That I can't wait to go to on Monday morning!
3) A lot of dance, writing and other creative outlets of self expression.
4) A cozy abode where I can rest and recharge.
5) Travel and linguistic adventures that help me to learn and grow.
I want my default mode to be self-confidence, and for the days of thinking, "I'm not good enough for them... They probably are happier when I'm not around" to be a thing of the PAST.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Day 220: APRIL 11th!!!
It is 12:30 pm on April 11th, and I'm substitute teaching in 5th grade. So far today, I've dressed up in my cute birthday dress from last year, been wished many happy birthdays by 5 year olds to 70 year olds, been sung to twice in English and once in Spanish and frosted cupcakes to give out during lunch to the other teachers. After school, I have a lesson with Nacho til 6:15pm... But after that?
I have no clue what I'm going to do!! >_<
My plan in my head had been to go out to dinner with my friends - but then Abby told me she had a birthday mission to go on for me tonight, and wouldn't be home til late. My plan had been to get dressed up and go into Madrid to go out Forró dancing with H, but after our snowboarding adventure, we're both still so sore that we're not 100% sure we can dance.
Sooo...
I don't know how it will turn out!? But hopefully SOMETHING exciting will go down tonight!! If not, I have big plans to actually celebrate my birthday on Saturday... Which shall involve Abby and I going to some fancy Arabic baths for a massage and spa afternoon, followed by lunch, possibly a show, and then dancing at night! ^_^
Every year my goal is to top my previous birthday... But, as you can see, I might have set the bar a little high too early on! Here is a list of my past birthday celebrations:
23rd Birthday
J and I got all dressed up for my big day! We started at Mother's Bistro, where I had chocolate chip pancakes, ham and eggs, two Bellinis and got a big slice of chocolate cake at the end! J had her usual migas and spicy Bloody Mary's. It was - without a doubt- the best start to a birthday a girl could have!! ^_^ Afterwards, it was off to our shopping spree at Coach and Tiffany & Co. In the afternoon we went to a friend's house, and she did our hair. :) A little later it was dinner time at The Melting Pot, and then finally off to Sassy's.
22nd Birthday
J and I went to San Diego to go to the zoo to see panda bears. No. Joke. The trip was awesome - filled with panda bears, sunshine, a cute hotel room, Starbucks breakfasts, meals at California Pizza Kitchen and Cheesecake Factory. My actual birthday birthday, though, was kinda meh. Ha! We went in search of sushi for half the day and finally gave up and ended up at TGIFridays drinking red headed sluts! Then we made it to Cinnabon, where a bird tried to attack us. Next we went on a mission to find the beach, which turned out to be kinda crappy... But we did finally find a really yummy sushi restaurant for dinner! ^_^ When I got back to Madison, a few friends and I went out to Opus - my favorite martini bar. :)
21st Birthday
Sam and Grandma came down to Madison to take me out to lunch at Chili's and gave me a VS gift card. :) After lunch, they took me to the mall to get Mrs. Field's cookie cups, and then over to the grocery store to get me a big birthday cake! ^_^ Later, Laura took me shopping for a perfect birthday outfit at Forever 21, and when we got back to the co-op, Julia was there to wish me a happy birthday! O_o It made me super nervous, but it was nice of her to stop by and on her way out she told B to "take good care of me" that night. <3 After I was all ready to go out, I went down to B's room and he had a bunch of Brazilian candy spelling out "Happy Birthday" with a big bottle of Brazilian cachaça for me! With one of my giant frosted cookie cups in one hand, and the bottle of cachaça in the other, I took my first HUGE swig of cachaça, and followed it up with a little bite of cookie. "Yummy!" I smiled. B stared at me incredulously and said I should really be careful with that drink and that he was going to tell his dad what I just did. Haha. It was the beginning of a beautiful love affair. ;) After a teaspoon of olive oil (B says it prevents hangovers - from experience, I think he may be onto something...), we were off. I honestly can't tell you where we all went (nobody is surprised), but I know that at one point everybody at the co-op was at The Argus drinking tootsie roll shots and singing along to, "I've got a brand pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key..." Hahaha! ^_^ I remember that the capitol building looked really pretty in the moonlight the walk back to the co-op afterwards. :)
20th Birthday
This is weird... But I don't remember a thing from this birthday. Obviously J must have done something... But I have no clue what? O_o
19th Birthday
I went to Minneapolis for my birthday to see Steve. We went out to Sakura Sushi for dinner - where I had the BEST sushi roll of my life!! ^_^ Yummmy.
18th Birthday
Sammy and Kenny came with me to get my first tattoo. :)
17th Birthday
John had just gotten his pilot's license, and took me up in Cessie for the first time!! It was so much fun!! Then, at night, I went to Stephen's place, where he gave me a big Spongebob piñata (wtf) and his mom drove us in her convertible to the movies to see "Ice Age 2." ^_^
16th Birthday
This was my most epic birthday party ever!!! ^_^ I invited about 10 of my guy friends over to my house (mostly OLDER guy friends, who considered a "party" to have drugs and alcohol - haha) and we tie-dyed shirts, had silly string wars, grilled out, had cake, played pin the tail on the donkey (the prize was a Barbie doll named Chelsea - haha), etc. Best. Party. Ever. This was also the birthday that Stephen gave me Wellington!!! <3
15th Birthday
My birthday was on Easter, and so Scott tricked me into thinking he couldn't celebrate with me, but he showed up later and we had dinner and cake! :)
Birthday Parties K can remember from when I was a kid:
Easter egg hunt in 7th or 8th grade
Hotel sleepover in 5th grade
A salon in Cherry Creek North to get our hair and nails done, and then to Maggiano's for dinner in 3rd or 4th grade.
Make your own puppet followed by a puppet show in Kindergarten or 1st grade.
Old Spaghetti Factory - not sure when.
I have no clue what I'm going to do!! >_<
My plan in my head had been to go out to dinner with my friends - but then Abby told me she had a birthday mission to go on for me tonight, and wouldn't be home til late. My plan had been to get dressed up and go into Madrid to go out Forró dancing with H, but after our snowboarding adventure, we're both still so sore that we're not 100% sure we can dance.
Sooo...
I don't know how it will turn out!? But hopefully SOMETHING exciting will go down tonight!! If not, I have big plans to actually celebrate my birthday on Saturday... Which shall involve Abby and I going to some fancy Arabic baths for a massage and spa afternoon, followed by lunch, possibly a show, and then dancing at night! ^_^
Every year my goal is to top my previous birthday... But, as you can see, I might have set the bar a little high too early on! Here is a list of my past birthday celebrations:
23rd Birthday
J and I got all dressed up for my big day! We started at Mother's Bistro, where I had chocolate chip pancakes, ham and eggs, two Bellinis and got a big slice of chocolate cake at the end! J had her usual migas and spicy Bloody Mary's. It was - without a doubt- the best start to a birthday a girl could have!! ^_^ Afterwards, it was off to our shopping spree at Coach and Tiffany & Co. In the afternoon we went to a friend's house, and she did our hair. :) A little later it was dinner time at The Melting Pot, and then finally off to Sassy's.
22nd Birthday
J and I went to San Diego to go to the zoo to see panda bears. No. Joke. The trip was awesome - filled with panda bears, sunshine, a cute hotel room, Starbucks breakfasts, meals at California Pizza Kitchen and Cheesecake Factory. My actual birthday birthday, though, was kinda meh. Ha! We went in search of sushi for half the day and finally gave up and ended up at TGIFridays drinking red headed sluts! Then we made it to Cinnabon, where a bird tried to attack us. Next we went on a mission to find the beach, which turned out to be kinda crappy... But we did finally find a really yummy sushi restaurant for dinner! ^_^ When I got back to Madison, a few friends and I went out to Opus - my favorite martini bar. :)
21st Birthday
Sam and Grandma came down to Madison to take me out to lunch at Chili's and gave me a VS gift card. :) After lunch, they took me to the mall to get Mrs. Field's cookie cups, and then over to the grocery store to get me a big birthday cake! ^_^ Later, Laura took me shopping for a perfect birthday outfit at Forever 21, and when we got back to the co-op, Julia was there to wish me a happy birthday! O_o It made me super nervous, but it was nice of her to stop by and on her way out she told B to "take good care of me" that night. <3 After I was all ready to go out, I went down to B's room and he had a bunch of Brazilian candy spelling out "Happy Birthday" with a big bottle of Brazilian cachaça for me! With one of my giant frosted cookie cups in one hand, and the bottle of cachaça in the other, I took my first HUGE swig of cachaça, and followed it up with a little bite of cookie. "Yummy!" I smiled. B stared at me incredulously and said I should really be careful with that drink and that he was going to tell his dad what I just did. Haha. It was the beginning of a beautiful love affair. ;) After a teaspoon of olive oil (B says it prevents hangovers - from experience, I think he may be onto something...), we were off. I honestly can't tell you where we all went (nobody is surprised), but I know that at one point everybody at the co-op was at The Argus drinking tootsie roll shots and singing along to, "I've got a brand pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key..." Hahaha! ^_^ I remember that the capitol building looked really pretty in the moonlight the walk back to the co-op afterwards. :)
20th Birthday
This is weird... But I don't remember a thing from this birthday. Obviously J must have done something... But I have no clue what? O_o
19th Birthday
I went to Minneapolis for my birthday to see Steve. We went out to Sakura Sushi for dinner - where I had the BEST sushi roll of my life!! ^_^ Yummmy.
18th Birthday
Sammy and Kenny came with me to get my first tattoo. :)
17th Birthday
John had just gotten his pilot's license, and took me up in Cessie for the first time!! It was so much fun!! Then, at night, I went to Stephen's place, where he gave me a big Spongebob piñata (wtf) and his mom drove us in her convertible to the movies to see "Ice Age 2." ^_^
16th Birthday
This was my most epic birthday party ever!!! ^_^ I invited about 10 of my guy friends over to my house (mostly OLDER guy friends, who considered a "party" to have drugs and alcohol - haha) and we tie-dyed shirts, had silly string wars, grilled out, had cake, played pin the tail on the donkey (the prize was a Barbie doll named Chelsea - haha), etc. Best. Party. Ever. This was also the birthday that Stephen gave me Wellington!!! <3
15th Birthday
My birthday was on Easter, and so Scott tricked me into thinking he couldn't celebrate with me, but he showed up later and we had dinner and cake! :)
Birthday Parties K can remember from when I was a kid:
Easter egg hunt in 7th or 8th grade
Hotel sleepover in 5th grade
A salon in Cherry Creek North to get our hair and nails done, and then to Maggiano's for dinner in 3rd or 4th grade.
Make your own puppet followed by a puppet show in Kindergarten or 1st grade.
Old Spaghetti Factory - not sure when.
Day 219: Blog Catch Up
You would think after 14 hours of sleep I'd have woken up refreshed and ready to seize the day... But, in fact, I woke up ready to stay in my PJs, still. >_<
I only had two and a half hours of class today, so spent most of my day catching up on my blog instead of doing homework, reasoning that I needed to catch up before my birthday so that I would be able to write about my celebrations with more detail and less stress. ;)
After school, I went to Taste of America to get cupcake batter and frosting, and went straight home and made a million baby funfetti cupcakes with chocolate fudge frosting! ^_^ See, at school the teachers always bring a special breakfast on their birthday to share with the other teachers... And I, of course, thought about it all year long that on my birthday I would bring American style cupcakes for the teachers to enjoy and fall in love with!
As a matter of fact, I've been teaching the word "cupcake" to my students all week. And, along with it, the word "frosting." But you know something horrible? There is no known word in Spanish for it! You simply cannot translate "cupcake" nor "frosting," because they pretty much just don't exist here!!! Ahhhh.... these poor people!
I really thought about trying to make all of my students cupcakes this week, but I didn't have the time nor money to pull it off. Sometimes (often), I wish teachers were allowed to pick favorites and just give them treats and fun assignments. Haha. I know exactly who I'd give my cupcakes to tomorrow, if I could just do that! ;)
Anyway, Katie came home right in time to kangaroo my cupcakes ("babysit" in Spanish translates to "kangaroo" - um, adorable) that I'd just put in the oven, as I ran off to the train station to go to Madrid for Patty's class. After not having seen her yesterday, it was nice to be there tonight, giggling and teaching! :)
And now? I'm on the train home, excited for the chicken fajitas that await me, along with some cupcakes and wine. I will do my nails, plan my outfit and get in bed... All ready for my birthday tomorrow!!! Yay!!! ^_^
XOXO
I only had two and a half hours of class today, so spent most of my day catching up on my blog instead of doing homework, reasoning that I needed to catch up before my birthday so that I would be able to write about my celebrations with more detail and less stress. ;)
After school, I went to Taste of America to get cupcake batter and frosting, and went straight home and made a million baby funfetti cupcakes with chocolate fudge frosting! ^_^ See, at school the teachers always bring a special breakfast on their birthday to share with the other teachers... And I, of course, thought about it all year long that on my birthday I would bring American style cupcakes for the teachers to enjoy and fall in love with!
As a matter of fact, I've been teaching the word "cupcake" to my students all week. And, along with it, the word "frosting." But you know something horrible? There is no known word in Spanish for it! You simply cannot translate "cupcake" nor "frosting," because they pretty much just don't exist here!!! Ahhhh.... these poor people!
I really thought about trying to make all of my students cupcakes this week, but I didn't have the time nor money to pull it off. Sometimes (often), I wish teachers were allowed to pick favorites and just give them treats and fun assignments. Haha. I know exactly who I'd give my cupcakes to tomorrow, if I could just do that! ;)
Anyway, Katie came home right in time to kangaroo my cupcakes ("babysit" in Spanish translates to "kangaroo" - um, adorable) that I'd just put in the oven, as I ran off to the train station to go to Madrid for Patty's class. After not having seen her yesterday, it was nice to be there tonight, giggling and teaching! :)
And now? I'm on the train home, excited for the chicken fajitas that await me, along with some cupcakes and wine. I will do my nails, plan my outfit and get in bed... All ready for my birthday tomorrow!!! Yay!!! ^_^
XOXO
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Day 218: Sore & Sleepy
I was so sore and wiped out all day long I could hardly function. I came home after school, ate lunch, and was in bed by 5:45pm to take a 30 minute nap.
Marianna came into my room to wake me up, knowing I had a private lesson in the city... But I just couldn't get myself up. I felt like a bus hit me (or, more accurately, a mountain had hit me... Over and over and over again... As I crashed into it for five hours straight on Sunday!), and the thought of the hour and a half commute there, an hour and a half of teaching and then another hour and a half commute home was just too overwhelming. I texted Patty to apologize and tell her I had to cancel class and went right back to sleep.
Fourteen hours later, I woke up.
>_<
It's moments like these that make me happy to be me. A normal human would have dragged themselves out of bed, dealt with it, and been exhausted for the rest of the week. But me? I'd banged up my body really badly and it was begging me to give it a break. I knew this would be its last real chance, being that this is my Birthday Week, and so I said to hell with responsibility... I really need to take a night to myself. And I never do that.
Patty wrote that she understood and not to worry about a thing. :)
I love being able to life life as a person surrounded by other real people. In America, I could never just say I wasn't going to a job or a lesson. I'd have no choice but to suck it up or face serious consequences. But here? People still see each other as fellow human beings... And it is really sweet. <3
XOXO
Marianna came into my room to wake me up, knowing I had a private lesson in the city... But I just couldn't get myself up. I felt like a bus hit me (or, more accurately, a mountain had hit me... Over and over and over again... As I crashed into it for five hours straight on Sunday!), and the thought of the hour and a half commute there, an hour and a half of teaching and then another hour and a half commute home was just too overwhelming. I texted Patty to apologize and tell her I had to cancel class and went right back to sleep.
Fourteen hours later, I woke up.
>_<
It's moments like these that make me happy to be me. A normal human would have dragged themselves out of bed, dealt with it, and been exhausted for the rest of the week. But me? I'd banged up my body really badly and it was begging me to give it a break. I knew this would be its last real chance, being that this is my Birthday Week, and so I said to hell with responsibility... I really need to take a night to myself. And I never do that.
Patty wrote that she understood and not to worry about a thing. :)
I love being able to life life as a person surrounded by other real people. In America, I could never just say I wasn't going to a job or a lesson. I'd have no choice but to suck it up or face serious consequences. But here? People still see each other as fellow human beings... And it is really sweet. <3
XOXO
Day 217: New Student
I got up ridiculously early and (in the spirit of starting off my Birthday Week right) was showered, hair done and cute outfit on long before I even needed to leave for the school bus! ^_^ Hell yeah!
When I got to school, it began to hit me that it was Monday (the day with six classes - half of which are my absolute least favorites)... But moments later I overheard conversation between my coordinator and the head mistress. Apparently, one of the teachers was ill and she needed me to sub for her for the day!! ^_^ YES!!
And so I got to sub for 5th grade for two hours, 6th grade for two hours and then get my Bachi's for an hour in the middle! ^_^ Most amazing Monday schedule ever!
I love being able to nonchalantly implement my own rules when it's my class, and I love being able to treat them with respect and make their lessons more interesting, let them listen to music during study time and let them not copy as much useless crap from into their notebooks as school policy dictates they must. ;)
After school, it was Picasso time (who I'm trying a more Humanistic approach with... Introducing grammar though talking about things he enjoys, rather than drilling him on them... Poor guy just isn't that type of learner, but he definitely is intelligent... Totally not fair). On the way to their place, I mentioned it was my birthday on Thursday. Five minutes before the lesson was done, Picasso's mom called him to the kitchen. Seconds later they were marching down the hall together, singing "Happy Birthday" to me, with a lit candle in a chocolate cookie! ^_^ Um, adorable!!!
She then split the cookie for us and brought us orange Fanta. She also gave me a bag filled with face creams, explaining that her husband worked in the company and so they always had a lot of them around. :) So cute!!!
After Picasso's lesson, I walked down the street a little and headed toward my brand new second lesson on Monday nights. Picasso's mom had given this lady my number right before break, and we had decided on the time then. Turned out, she is the mom of one of Picasso's 3rd grade classmates, and was wanting to improve her oral English skills, and Picasso's mom (and her daughter!) recommended me. ^_^ Adorable. Every time Mrs. White and I had communicated through text message, her daughter had stopped me during class, very business like, to tell me her mother's response, as if feeling she needed to translate for me. It was all super cute!
I didn't know what to expect, but as soon as I got there, I felt very comfortable. The family's chalet had a beautiful stone garden in the front yard - almost like a zen garden - and the inside was very simple but elegant with lots of zen and Indian items all around. It all made sense when, after a few questions, I found out that she is a meditation instructor!! I immediately told her about my mom and (based on the parts she seemed to understand) she thought it was very cool, too!
It was nice to have class with an adult after Picasso, and, actually, now out of my four private lessons, two are with adults! Woohoo! Based on Nacho's English level compared to every single other kid in his class, I know that his mom is getting her money's worth having me there twice a week.
And Picasso... I know that he is very happy to have a teacher that is supportive and fun, rather than telling him he's wrong and bad all the time... So even if his grades don't improve drastically by the end of the year, I still think his mom is getting her money's worth just having an instructor figure in her son' life that is on his side!
Patty studies a ton, and I make sure to give her creative assignments and explanations, which I think makes me a more interesting teacher than another one she could have gotten stuck with. I'm not nearly as structured and organized as most, though... And I desperately hope she is getting her money's worth out of me. But she is very excited for every class and authentically seems to enjoy all the learning and talking to me... And her comfort, confidence and fluidity in speaking has greatly improved... So I think she is?! :)
But with this lady... I'm going to have to think of something. I know that I am supposed to bring structured lessons and whatever, but she already goes to English class for hours a week to read and write and translate... So what she needs is somebody to just talk to and listen to in a casual environment! It was funny talking to her because she could use such complex structures without problem, but then with very basic things, she had no idea. I guess I'll start off slowly and review basic concepts, while talking about everyday life with her...
But man, sometimes I really feel like I cheat these people out of their money! All I do is sit and talk with people and get paid for it. That's ridiculous! But, I guess I would pay somebody who could make me feel 100% comfortable and enthusiastic to practice Portuguese once a week... If they could really get me talking and making sense... That'd be way worth it. Maybe this is how psychologists feel? Haha. Only they charge WAY more than I do! ;)
Anyway, the whole hour Mrs. White kept asking me to correct her. Finally, towards the end I told her that I didn't believe in giving corrections at all for the first few weeks, as I am a strong believer that confidence and fluidity are key. Once she can make full sentences without thought, I'll start pointing out some things she can change and work on - but the first thing to focus on is comfort using the language... Because a few, slow perfect sentences versus a bunch of slightly imperfect sentences just weren't worth it when communicating in real life situations in real time! She laughed and agreed, seeming a little relieved. :)
After class, her daughter came down and chatted with me enthusiastically while her mom made me tea. This girl, who is fairly quiet in class, was clearly so excited to be able to show off her English in front of her mom! When her mom would say something in Spanish, her daughter would say she was going to have to give her mom a red spot as a punishment (like they do in her class) for not speaking only in English around the English teacher. :) Cute. But poor mom! Haha.
It will be interesting to see how an hour of conversation with her per week goes, and if it is enough to really help her at all! I sure hope so!
XOXO
When I got to school, it began to hit me that it was Monday (the day with six classes - half of which are my absolute least favorites)... But moments later I overheard conversation between my coordinator and the head mistress. Apparently, one of the teachers was ill and she needed me to sub for her for the day!! ^_^ YES!!
And so I got to sub for 5th grade for two hours, 6th grade for two hours and then get my Bachi's for an hour in the middle! ^_^ Most amazing Monday schedule ever!
I love being able to nonchalantly implement my own rules when it's my class, and I love being able to treat them with respect and make their lessons more interesting, let them listen to music during study time and let them not copy as much useless crap from into their notebooks as school policy dictates they must. ;)
After school, it was Picasso time (who I'm trying a more Humanistic approach with... Introducing grammar though talking about things he enjoys, rather than drilling him on them... Poor guy just isn't that type of learner, but he definitely is intelligent... Totally not fair). On the way to their place, I mentioned it was my birthday on Thursday. Five minutes before the lesson was done, Picasso's mom called him to the kitchen. Seconds later they were marching down the hall together, singing "Happy Birthday" to me, with a lit candle in a chocolate cookie! ^_^ Um, adorable!!!
She then split the cookie for us and brought us orange Fanta. She also gave me a bag filled with face creams, explaining that her husband worked in the company and so they always had a lot of them around. :) So cute!!!
After Picasso's lesson, I walked down the street a little and headed toward my brand new second lesson on Monday nights. Picasso's mom had given this lady my number right before break, and we had decided on the time then. Turned out, she is the mom of one of Picasso's 3rd grade classmates, and was wanting to improve her oral English skills, and Picasso's mom (and her daughter!) recommended me. ^_^ Adorable. Every time Mrs. White and I had communicated through text message, her daughter had stopped me during class, very business like, to tell me her mother's response, as if feeling she needed to translate for me. It was all super cute!
I didn't know what to expect, but as soon as I got there, I felt very comfortable. The family's chalet had a beautiful stone garden in the front yard - almost like a zen garden - and the inside was very simple but elegant with lots of zen and Indian items all around. It all made sense when, after a few questions, I found out that she is a meditation instructor!! I immediately told her about my mom and (based on the parts she seemed to understand) she thought it was very cool, too!
It was nice to have class with an adult after Picasso, and, actually, now out of my four private lessons, two are with adults! Woohoo! Based on Nacho's English level compared to every single other kid in his class, I know that his mom is getting her money's worth having me there twice a week.
And Picasso... I know that he is very happy to have a teacher that is supportive and fun, rather than telling him he's wrong and bad all the time... So even if his grades don't improve drastically by the end of the year, I still think his mom is getting her money's worth just having an instructor figure in her son' life that is on his side!
Patty studies a ton, and I make sure to give her creative assignments and explanations, which I think makes me a more interesting teacher than another one she could have gotten stuck with. I'm not nearly as structured and organized as most, though... And I desperately hope she is getting her money's worth out of me. But she is very excited for every class and authentically seems to enjoy all the learning and talking to me... And her comfort, confidence and fluidity in speaking has greatly improved... So I think she is?! :)
But with this lady... I'm going to have to think of something. I know that I am supposed to bring structured lessons and whatever, but she already goes to English class for hours a week to read and write and translate... So what she needs is somebody to just talk to and listen to in a casual environment! It was funny talking to her because she could use such complex structures without problem, but then with very basic things, she had no idea. I guess I'll start off slowly and review basic concepts, while talking about everyday life with her...
But man, sometimes I really feel like I cheat these people out of their money! All I do is sit and talk with people and get paid for it. That's ridiculous! But, I guess I would pay somebody who could make me feel 100% comfortable and enthusiastic to practice Portuguese once a week... If they could really get me talking and making sense... That'd be way worth it. Maybe this is how psychologists feel? Haha. Only they charge WAY more than I do! ;)
Anyway, the whole hour Mrs. White kept asking me to correct her. Finally, towards the end I told her that I didn't believe in giving corrections at all for the first few weeks, as I am a strong believer that confidence and fluidity are key. Once she can make full sentences without thought, I'll start pointing out some things she can change and work on - but the first thing to focus on is comfort using the language... Because a few, slow perfect sentences versus a bunch of slightly imperfect sentences just weren't worth it when communicating in real life situations in real time! She laughed and agreed, seeming a little relieved. :)
After class, her daughter came down and chatted with me enthusiastically while her mom made me tea. This girl, who is fairly quiet in class, was clearly so excited to be able to show off her English in front of her mom! When her mom would say something in Spanish, her daughter would say she was going to have to give her mom a red spot as a punishment (like they do in her class) for not speaking only in English around the English teacher. :) Cute. But poor mom! Haha.
It will be interesting to see how an hour of conversation with her per week goes, and if it is enough to really help her at all! I sure hope so!
XOXO
Day 216: Snowboarding Adventure!!
The night before I'd told Abby and Katie that I had to wake up super early the next morning and was really not looking forward to you. I flopped down on my bed in angst, and when I looked up, both of them were staring at me with blank expressions on their faces, while their index finger stroked their thumb. Yep, they were playing me tiny violins. Hahaha. >_<
"We feel soooooo sorry for you... You have to get up reallllly early... So that you can see your Brazilian friend... Who is going to go snowboarding with you... Up in the snow covered mountains..."
They continued playing their tiny violins as I giggled and hid my face in Wellington. :)
As it of course turned out, they were completely right - I had absolutely nothing to complain about, because my Sunday adventure turned out to be one of the best adventures ever!
I rode the train into Madrid and the metro through Madrid in my own little bubble of happiness, sleepiness and excitement. A few stops into my metro ride, H suddenly appeared, kissing me hello on the cheek. We'd been riding in the same metro car for a good few minutes before he'd noticed me. I, of course, was so in my own world that there was no chance I'd have looked up long enough from my iPod to notice even if Ryan Gosling had been on that metro!
At the bus station, H started talking to some gay girls with a lot of weed on them who had giant bags of ski gear. By all accounts, they looked in the know. ;) They told him that the best place to go for snow was Valdesquí - which hadn't been part of our original plan, but we're a pretty flexible pair, and decided to take their advise.
An hour long bus ride of sharing stories from our Spring Break later, we'd arrived! ^_^
The first item of business upon arriving was renting our equipment. When we'd boarded the bus, I had been planning on skiing - as I have a fair amount of experience skiing and knew that the tiny hills of Madrid would be just lovely for me. But sometime between boarding the bus and going up to the rental window, H had somehow convinced me to try out snowboarding with him.
The fact was, I'd always wanted to try out snowboarding, but I'd never been brave enough / had somebody to try it out with me / had the funds to take a lesson. But today the snowboarding stars had aligned, and I had no valid excuse not to be adventurous and go for it. I was actually pretty nervous about it - I've never been one for falling repeatedly and banging up more poor, sweet body - but when you're around somebody you know, but you don't know well enough to be a chicken sh*t, you just gotta pretend you're brave. ;)
The first issue we had was putting on the snowboarding boots. They were so snug that they were near impossible to get on! H whispered to me in English to ask, because it didn't look as lame if a girl asked for help, which made me try harder and eventually succeed. ;)
After getting our gear and purchasing our lift ticket and lesson, we were way ready for a coffee - haha! I sipped it slowly, knowing that we weren't going to be doing a single thing with those daunting snowboards until we had an instructor in front of us to give us some serious guidance!
Our snowboard teacher turned out to be really cool and, even though we both really sucked (especially me - I could not stop for the life of me and would hit poor, unsuspecting skiers like they were bowling pins and I was trying desperately to get a spare!), he was always on our side. He would go up to the people I crashed into and told them they should have been further off the slope and attentive to what was going on around them. It was totally our bad for sucking, but it was cute when he would stand up for us anyway! As if he wasn't already on our side, when he found out I was from Colorado, he really got excited! He told just about everybody that worked there and they all begged to be invited there. :-P
The last part of our class was to go up a tiny bunny hill and go down in. In skis? This would be no problemo. But with a snowboard? Oh holy crap. I think I got the nervous giggles when I got to the top of that tiny thing, saying over and over, "You cannot be serious. There's no way." H tried it first, going down while holding on to our instructor, but ended up in a mini ditch. At that point, it was my turn. I had been awful at the turns we'd practiced on practically the practically flat surface, but having an actual slope made things way easier! Suddenly my body weight actually made me go in the direction it was supposed to, and I could look ahead towards where I was going! A few moments into it, the instructor let go and I made it down the hill after only falling a few times! Of course, he had to teach me how to get up on your snowboard while on an incline (damn), but I got the hang of it after a little while.
After we both made it down that hill, class time was over and we were ready for a serious break. H had a sandwich, I had a hot cocoa... And then it was time to try it on our own!! ^_^
We spent the next three hour going up and down the babiest bunny hill they had. After getting to the top of it on a little conveyer belt, you had quite the curve to take on, but after that it was almost difficult to go down the hill because of its very very slight incline. I told myself that when I could get down that crazy curve and tiny slope without falling, I would go back to the bigger hill and try it alone. H was onboard, and so when I got two successful runs without falling, we were off to try the bigger one. I was nervous at first, but it turned out to be way easier (and waaaay more fun) than the baby bunny one we'd being doing all afternoon! I made it down with only one spill and couldn't wait to go back up and do it again, which is more than I could say for H, who gave up half way down and undid his boots and carried his board down the hill! >_<
For the half hour that remained, I continued on the bigger bunny hill, having such a hoot and finally starting to realize how people could love snowboarding thing so much, while H continued on the baby bunny hill.
A few runs later and we agreed we were spent. We turned our gear in and made our way for the bus... Which was when we found out that they couldn't make change for €50 bills, which was, of course, all either of us had. After trying to ask random people in the parking lot for change and having no success, the bus driver said he'd drive us down to the first bar/restaurant where we could get change and have a bite to eat in the warmth while waiting for the next bus. This turned out to be a great idea, as I really had to go to the bathroom, and had worked up quite the appetite for a tortilla and a beer without realizing it! :)
After a nice (well as nice as it can be with a snowy, bruised butt) nap on the bus, we were finally back in Madrid. Once there, H invited me over to try some of the dulce de leche and cachaça a he'd brought back from Brazil! Oh. My. Gosh. Yum. It'd been awhile since I'd had a good cachaça and had forgotten what a nice aftertaste of caldo de cana (sugarcane juice) they could have!! Yummmy!!! ^_^
Between my burrito, cake, beer, wine adventure in the city with my friends on Saturday and my snowboarding adventure and cachaça tasting with H on Sunday, it was totally the best weekend I've had since being in Spain this go around! ^_^ All in all, it was a totally perfect way to commence my birthday week!! <3
XOXO
"We feel soooooo sorry for you... You have to get up reallllly early... So that you can see your Brazilian friend... Who is going to go snowboarding with you... Up in the snow covered mountains..."
They continued playing their tiny violins as I giggled and hid my face in Wellington. :)
As it of course turned out, they were completely right - I had absolutely nothing to complain about, because my Sunday adventure turned out to be one of the best adventures ever!
I rode the train into Madrid and the metro through Madrid in my own little bubble of happiness, sleepiness and excitement. A few stops into my metro ride, H suddenly appeared, kissing me hello on the cheek. We'd been riding in the same metro car for a good few minutes before he'd noticed me. I, of course, was so in my own world that there was no chance I'd have looked up long enough from my iPod to notice even if Ryan Gosling had been on that metro!
At the bus station, H started talking to some gay girls with a lot of weed on them who had giant bags of ski gear. By all accounts, they looked in the know. ;) They told him that the best place to go for snow was Valdesquí - which hadn't been part of our original plan, but we're a pretty flexible pair, and decided to take their advise.
An hour long bus ride of sharing stories from our Spring Break later, we'd arrived! ^_^
The first item of business upon arriving was renting our equipment. When we'd boarded the bus, I had been planning on skiing - as I have a fair amount of experience skiing and knew that the tiny hills of Madrid would be just lovely for me. But sometime between boarding the bus and going up to the rental window, H had somehow convinced me to try out snowboarding with him.
The fact was, I'd always wanted to try out snowboarding, but I'd never been brave enough / had somebody to try it out with me / had the funds to take a lesson. But today the snowboarding stars had aligned, and I had no valid excuse not to be adventurous and go for it. I was actually pretty nervous about it - I've never been one for falling repeatedly and banging up more poor, sweet body - but when you're around somebody you know, but you don't know well enough to be a chicken sh*t, you just gotta pretend you're brave. ;)
The first issue we had was putting on the snowboarding boots. They were so snug that they were near impossible to get on! H whispered to me in English to ask, because it didn't look as lame if a girl asked for help, which made me try harder and eventually succeed. ;)
After getting our gear and purchasing our lift ticket and lesson, we were way ready for a coffee - haha! I sipped it slowly, knowing that we weren't going to be doing a single thing with those daunting snowboards until we had an instructor in front of us to give us some serious guidance!
Our snowboard teacher turned out to be really cool and, even though we both really sucked (especially me - I could not stop for the life of me and would hit poor, unsuspecting skiers like they were bowling pins and I was trying desperately to get a spare!), he was always on our side. He would go up to the people I crashed into and told them they should have been further off the slope and attentive to what was going on around them. It was totally our bad for sucking, but it was cute when he would stand up for us anyway! As if he wasn't already on our side, when he found out I was from Colorado, he really got excited! He told just about everybody that worked there and they all begged to be invited there. :-P
The last part of our class was to go up a tiny bunny hill and go down in. In skis? This would be no problemo. But with a snowboard? Oh holy crap. I think I got the nervous giggles when I got to the top of that tiny thing, saying over and over, "You cannot be serious. There's no way." H tried it first, going down while holding on to our instructor, but ended up in a mini ditch. At that point, it was my turn. I had been awful at the turns we'd practiced on practically the practically flat surface, but having an actual slope made things way easier! Suddenly my body weight actually made me go in the direction it was supposed to, and I could look ahead towards where I was going! A few moments into it, the instructor let go and I made it down the hill after only falling a few times! Of course, he had to teach me how to get up on your snowboard while on an incline (damn), but I got the hang of it after a little while.
After we both made it down that hill, class time was over and we were ready for a serious break. H had a sandwich, I had a hot cocoa... And then it was time to try it on our own!! ^_^
We spent the next three hour going up and down the babiest bunny hill they had. After getting to the top of it on a little conveyer belt, you had quite the curve to take on, but after that it was almost difficult to go down the hill because of its very very slight incline. I told myself that when I could get down that crazy curve and tiny slope without falling, I would go back to the bigger hill and try it alone. H was onboard, and so when I got two successful runs without falling, we were off to try the bigger one. I was nervous at first, but it turned out to be way easier (and waaaay more fun) than the baby bunny one we'd being doing all afternoon! I made it down with only one spill and couldn't wait to go back up and do it again, which is more than I could say for H, who gave up half way down and undid his boots and carried his board down the hill! >_<
For the half hour that remained, I continued on the bigger bunny hill, having such a hoot and finally starting to realize how people could love snowboarding thing so much, while H continued on the baby bunny hill.
A few runs later and we agreed we were spent. We turned our gear in and made our way for the bus... Which was when we found out that they couldn't make change for €50 bills, which was, of course, all either of us had. After trying to ask random people in the parking lot for change and having no success, the bus driver said he'd drive us down to the first bar/restaurant where we could get change and have a bite to eat in the warmth while waiting for the next bus. This turned out to be a great idea, as I really had to go to the bathroom, and had worked up quite the appetite for a tortilla and a beer without realizing it! :)
After a nice (well as nice as it can be with a snowy, bruised butt) nap on the bus, we were finally back in Madrid. Once there, H invited me over to try some of the dulce de leche and cachaça a he'd brought back from Brazil! Oh. My. Gosh. Yum. It'd been awhile since I'd had a good cachaça and had forgotten what a nice aftertaste of caldo de cana (sugarcane juice) they could have!! Yummmy!!! ^_^
Between my burrito, cake, beer, wine adventure in the city with my friends on Saturday and my snowboarding adventure and cachaça tasting with H on Sunday, it was totally the best weekend I've had since being in Spain this go around! ^_^ All in all, it was a totally perfect way to commence my birthday week!! <3
XOXO
Day 215: Friends in the City!!
Today was awesome. Just... Awesome. ^_^
Abby and I took turns trying to wake up for the day and get ready, but just as one of us would almost succeed, the other one would go back to sleep! We didn't get out the door until the mid-afternoon, which posed a problem since the wine tasting we were supposed to meet everybody at finished at 3pm! >_< Oopsies. But we were totally overjoyed at the amount of sleep we'd gotten in, and just texted Katie, asking her to bring us each a bottle of the best one. :)
We met everyone in the city to go to a burrito place that they all swore was amazing, but they'd all been too drunk from the wine tasting last time to really be able to remember too well - haha! As it turned out, though, it really was delicious!! ^_^ I got a steak burrito with extra sour cream, a big thing of chips and guac, and *drumroll* a Delirium Tremens!!! Yummmmmy Belgian beer with yummmmmmy Mexican food FTW!!!
After lunch, we decided to wander over to an American style bakery called "Wicked Sweet," but when we finally found it - giggling all the way there about Jennifer Nasky and Tigs (teeheehee) - it was closed for siesta. And so we decided to do the rational thing - sit on the steps, open our bottles of wine, and wait. ^_^ The chocolate Guinness cake with cream cheese frosting I got was way worth that tipsy wait, too!!
Everybody decided to go home after that, but I wanted to wander for awhile, and so I did. :) I got a new earring (possibly the first new one I've ever gotten it since right after I pierced it five years ago?!), belly button ring and a super skirt from Zara to wear on my birthday! ^_^
When I got home, Abby, Katie and I had a girls night in our room with peanut butter cups and more wine and we hung out, getting the giggles over and over again.
It was a pretty simple day, but surrounded by friends, yummy food and drink, one of my favorite cities and lots and lots of laughter.... And all those things combined served to make it one of my favorite Saturdays I've had here!! ^_^
Abby and I took turns trying to wake up for the day and get ready, but just as one of us would almost succeed, the other one would go back to sleep! We didn't get out the door until the mid-afternoon, which posed a problem since the wine tasting we were supposed to meet everybody at finished at 3pm! >_< Oopsies. But we were totally overjoyed at the amount of sleep we'd gotten in, and just texted Katie, asking her to bring us each a bottle of the best one. :)
We met everyone in the city to go to a burrito place that they all swore was amazing, but they'd all been too drunk from the wine tasting last time to really be able to remember too well - haha! As it turned out, though, it really was delicious!! ^_^ I got a steak burrito with extra sour cream, a big thing of chips and guac, and *drumroll* a Delirium Tremens!!! Yummmmmy Belgian beer with yummmmmmy Mexican food FTW!!!
After lunch, we decided to wander over to an American style bakery called "Wicked Sweet," but when we finally found it - giggling all the way there about Jennifer Nasky and Tigs (teeheehee) - it was closed for siesta. And so we decided to do the rational thing - sit on the steps, open our bottles of wine, and wait. ^_^ The chocolate Guinness cake with cream cheese frosting I got was way worth that tipsy wait, too!!
Everybody decided to go home after that, but I wanted to wander for awhile, and so I did. :) I got a new earring (possibly the first new one I've ever gotten it since right after I pierced it five years ago?!), belly button ring and a super skirt from Zara to wear on my birthday! ^_^
When I got home, Abby, Katie and I had a girls night in our room with peanut butter cups and more wine and we hung out, getting the giggles over and over again.
It was a pretty simple day, but surrounded by friends, yummy food and drink, one of my favorite cities and lots and lots of laughter.... And all those things combined served to make it one of my favorite Saturdays I've had here!! ^_^
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Day 214: Reading and Studying
So when I got back from Spring Break, I knew I was one assignment behind in my current online class... but I had no idea I was FOUR WEEKS worth of assignments and readings behind! HOLY COW CRAP. >_<
I had the natural Chelsea response: Avoidance. Pretend it never happened and go on about your life.
Until Friday. And on Friday, you are not allowed to leave your humble abode until you've mostly caught up, goshdarnit.
And so I've been cloistered in my room four exactly 12 hours at this point. Naturally, I spent a good few hours doing laundry and cleaning and organizing (when you have a mountain of work, that's obviously the best time to do the other stuff you've been avoiding - duh)... and another fair chunk of time eating (so glad the only things I have left in this apartment are mushrooms, broccoli with Ranch, gazpacho and strawberries... copious amounts of study breaks require copious amounts of food)... but when I finally opened up the online class, I became absolutely engrossed in all of the many interesting articles about methods and theories and case studies. O_O Wow!
Just as I was about to go to sleep, I skimmed through the article I intended to begin tomorrow. But as I skimmed, I wanted to know more... and, still kneeling in front of my computer, I accidentally ended up reading the whole thing. The case studies focused on preschools taught using a "Direct Instruction" method in which they'd basically drill information into the kids, versus free play preschools, as well as Montessori styled preschools. And the results of the longitudinal study were petrifying. The kids who had the DI method grew up to have a propensity for getting felonies, and not one of them had a stable relationship with a significant other, versus the other kids who'd grown up to be successful in life and love. Eek! How on earth could a kid's experience in PRESCHOOL have that much of an affect on them throughout life?
The study admitted that there were plenty of other factors to consider and their preschool experience couldn't be the only thing to blame (or thank), but still... man.
At the end of the article, "the superiority of preschool classrooms in which children can choose their own activities (as compared with more academic and/or whole-group instruction)" was also briefly mentioned...
All of this got me wondering about my own preschool experience. I hardly remember preschool at all... here are my memories:
1) I think it was my first day (?), and the office lady told me to go to the sandbox, and so I went to the sandbox inside, and played there by myself for what felt like years, when somebody finally came and got me and told me I was supposed to have gone to the sandbox OUTSIDE. I thought they were ridiculous for thinking a kid as young as me was just supposed to know which sandbox I was supposed to go to off the top of my head, but was thankful somebody had finally come to get me.
2) After recess we had to drink cranberry juice. I hated cranberry juice. I remember sitting there telling them I didn't want to drink it 'cause it just made my throat feel more thirsty, plus it tasted gross. I remember thinking that I must be allergic to cranberries or something, because surely cranberry juice didn't make other people feel thirsty, otherwise nobody would drink it.
3) Once, for some reason, I was there during lunch (I never was there during lunch), and they tried to make me eat all the food on my plate before they'd let me go to recess. I thought that was just the funniest thing I'd ever heard of, because their food was seriously gross and my parents never made me finish even half of my plate. I was scared they'd never let me leave that table EVER, but I held firm that I wouldn't eat another bite because it was gross and I was full. I hoped they'd let me go home when my mom came, because I really didn't think I could eat all that food without throwing up if I was forced to.
4) I really didn't want to nap and it was nap time. I was so relieved when they called my name over the loudspeakers that my mom was there to pick me up. I hated napping, and I thought it was gross they all slept on those floors. "I would never bring my blankie and Elmo here," I thought. "It's too dirty."
5) Once we did a song, "Candy Man" for a performance or something. I LOVED that song. I thought it was so whimsical and delicious sounding. After we performed it (I guess?), my parents let me run down the hill behind my preschool with my friend. I felt like SUCH a big girl to have their trust to run down there just with her. I was very proud and thrilled about it.
6) I know my friends were Kelly, Lynn and Carly (those two were twins!), and I have memories of playing with them outside of school... but I don't even remember if they WENT to my preschool?
7) I remember when Mrs. Wells showed me my final wooden block photo for my parent's present. I had been waiting and waiting to see how it turned out and I LOVED it!! :) I was way proud.
8) The most memorable thing, though, was when my other friend, Little Stephanie (who was a year younger than me), had her Christmas present for her parents wrapped in a bag by the teachers. I thought it was pretty and told her so. Then, one of the mean teachers came over and yelled at me and told me just because I was older than Little Stephanie didn't mean I had a right to make fun of her wrapping for being different than mine (since I was older, I got to make super cool wrapping paper painted with marbles). I was SO upset, because I hadn't been making fun of her at all. I thought mine was cooler, yeah, but I also really liked hers. I might have cried about it, as I've ALWAYS hated getting in trouble - especially for something that I didn't even do (which NEVER happens to me).
So, yeah. I guess I have about 7.5 memories from preschool (which I think is actually more than I have from Kindergarten, now that I think about it)... but I have no idea what "method" was used in my preschool... nor do I think the method would have turned me into a felon or given me seriously unstable relationships?? From the general feeling I have about it, I think my preschool allowed us to be pretty independent (I remember wondering if they ever got nervous they would lose one of us on such a big playground)? I don't recall there ever being workbooks or "learning time," but mostly that we just hung out and played. And drank gross cranberry juice. And that the floors were tiled and the risers had that weird burbur carpeting that was a diahreah brown color.
But, that last memory of being yelled at for something that wasn't my fault does really stick out in my mind. I remember how upset my mom was by it, too, when I told her what'd happened. I remember her telling me I did nothing wrong and that the other teacher was just being mean. I remember feeling really, really guilty. I still feel guilty thinking about it, actually - like I'm lying about something I've blocked out or like I was a really bad friend to Little Stephanie.
What if every day would have been like that - with strict teachers who were harsh and unforgiving? Maybe that would have changed something about who I later became? I still get a queasy feeling of guilt and anger inside when an authority figure gets upset with me - especially when I don't think I didn't anything wrong. Maybe that all stems from that one mean lady and my gift wrapping debacle?
There's no way to know, but even playing around with the idea that something like preschool can be so important in shaping a person is crazy. So often I come home from school and think, "Wow. I taught these kids absolutely NOTHING today. I suck at this game." But then I read these articles about instilling wonder and confidence and enthusiasm and creativity and self-expression in kids... and I think to myself, "Oh, I'm great at that. Superb." Because I can't help but be different than the status quo - even when I'm pretending to be a teacher!
So maybe these kids forget how to spell "I" (wtf?), and always switch the letters around in the word "with." Maybe they can't form a question correctly and maybe they always forget the 3rd person singular 's' in the simple present. But maybe I'm impacting them in an equally important way by keeping them on their toes, making them use their creativity and generally being a positive ray of sunshiney silliness on days that might otherwise be rather dull.
According to this preschool study, it's not about what you teach young kids, but how you make them feel. If that extends to any of the other grades, then I'd say there's hope I'm positively affecting at least a few of these little turd muffins in the long term. ;)
XOXO
I had the natural Chelsea response: Avoidance. Pretend it never happened and go on about your life.
Until Friday. And on Friday, you are not allowed to leave your humble abode until you've mostly caught up, goshdarnit.
And so I've been cloistered in my room four exactly 12 hours at this point. Naturally, I spent a good few hours doing laundry and cleaning and organizing (when you have a mountain of work, that's obviously the best time to do the other stuff you've been avoiding - duh)... and another fair chunk of time eating (so glad the only things I have left in this apartment are mushrooms, broccoli with Ranch, gazpacho and strawberries... copious amounts of study breaks require copious amounts of food)... but when I finally opened up the online class, I became absolutely engrossed in all of the many interesting articles about methods and theories and case studies. O_O Wow!
Just as I was about to go to sleep, I skimmed through the article I intended to begin tomorrow. But as I skimmed, I wanted to know more... and, still kneeling in front of my computer, I accidentally ended up reading the whole thing. The case studies focused on preschools taught using a "Direct Instruction" method in which they'd basically drill information into the kids, versus free play preschools, as well as Montessori styled preschools. And the results of the longitudinal study were petrifying. The kids who had the DI method grew up to have a propensity for getting felonies, and not one of them had a stable relationship with a significant other, versus the other kids who'd grown up to be successful in life and love. Eek! How on earth could a kid's experience in PRESCHOOL have that much of an affect on them throughout life?
The study admitted that there were plenty of other factors to consider and their preschool experience couldn't be the only thing to blame (or thank), but still... man.
At the end of the article, "the superiority of preschool classrooms in which children can choose their own activities (as compared with more academic and/or whole-group instruction)" was also briefly mentioned...
All of this got me wondering about my own preschool experience. I hardly remember preschool at all... here are my memories:
1) I think it was my first day (?), and the office lady told me to go to the sandbox, and so I went to the sandbox inside, and played there by myself for what felt like years, when somebody finally came and got me and told me I was supposed to have gone to the sandbox OUTSIDE. I thought they were ridiculous for thinking a kid as young as me was just supposed to know which sandbox I was supposed to go to off the top of my head, but was thankful somebody had finally come to get me.
2) After recess we had to drink cranberry juice. I hated cranberry juice. I remember sitting there telling them I didn't want to drink it 'cause it just made my throat feel more thirsty, plus it tasted gross. I remember thinking that I must be allergic to cranberries or something, because surely cranberry juice didn't make other people feel thirsty, otherwise nobody would drink it.
3) Once, for some reason, I was there during lunch (I never was there during lunch), and they tried to make me eat all the food on my plate before they'd let me go to recess. I thought that was just the funniest thing I'd ever heard of, because their food was seriously gross and my parents never made me finish even half of my plate. I was scared they'd never let me leave that table EVER, but I held firm that I wouldn't eat another bite because it was gross and I was full. I hoped they'd let me go home when my mom came, because I really didn't think I could eat all that food without throwing up if I was forced to.
4) I really didn't want to nap and it was nap time. I was so relieved when they called my name over the loudspeakers that my mom was there to pick me up. I hated napping, and I thought it was gross they all slept on those floors. "I would never bring my blankie and Elmo here," I thought. "It's too dirty."
5) Once we did a song, "Candy Man" for a performance or something. I LOVED that song. I thought it was so whimsical and delicious sounding. After we performed it (I guess?), my parents let me run down the hill behind my preschool with my friend. I felt like SUCH a big girl to have their trust to run down there just with her. I was very proud and thrilled about it.
6) I know my friends were Kelly, Lynn and Carly (those two were twins!), and I have memories of playing with them outside of school... but I don't even remember if they WENT to my preschool?
7) I remember when Mrs. Wells showed me my final wooden block photo for my parent's present. I had been waiting and waiting to see how it turned out and I LOVED it!! :) I was way proud.
8) The most memorable thing, though, was when my other friend, Little Stephanie (who was a year younger than me), had her Christmas present for her parents wrapped in a bag by the teachers. I thought it was pretty and told her so. Then, one of the mean teachers came over and yelled at me and told me just because I was older than Little Stephanie didn't mean I had a right to make fun of her wrapping for being different than mine (since I was older, I got to make super cool wrapping paper painted with marbles). I was SO upset, because I hadn't been making fun of her at all. I thought mine was cooler, yeah, but I also really liked hers. I might have cried about it, as I've ALWAYS hated getting in trouble - especially for something that I didn't even do (which NEVER happens to me).
So, yeah. I guess I have about 7.5 memories from preschool (which I think is actually more than I have from Kindergarten, now that I think about it)... but I have no idea what "method" was used in my preschool... nor do I think the method would have turned me into a felon or given me seriously unstable relationships?? From the general feeling I have about it, I think my preschool allowed us to be pretty independent (I remember wondering if they ever got nervous they would lose one of us on such a big playground)? I don't recall there ever being workbooks or "learning time," but mostly that we just hung out and played. And drank gross cranberry juice. And that the floors were tiled and the risers had that weird burbur carpeting that was a diahreah brown color.
But, that last memory of being yelled at for something that wasn't my fault does really stick out in my mind. I remember how upset my mom was by it, too, when I told her what'd happened. I remember her telling me I did nothing wrong and that the other teacher was just being mean. I remember feeling really, really guilty. I still feel guilty thinking about it, actually - like I'm lying about something I've blocked out or like I was a really bad friend to Little Stephanie.
What if every day would have been like that - with strict teachers who were harsh and unforgiving? Maybe that would have changed something about who I later became? I still get a queasy feeling of guilt and anger inside when an authority figure gets upset with me - especially when I don't think I didn't anything wrong. Maybe that all stems from that one mean lady and my gift wrapping debacle?
There's no way to know, but even playing around with the idea that something like preschool can be so important in shaping a person is crazy. So often I come home from school and think, "Wow. I taught these kids absolutely NOTHING today. I suck at this game." But then I read these articles about instilling wonder and confidence and enthusiasm and creativity and self-expression in kids... and I think to myself, "Oh, I'm great at that. Superb." Because I can't help but be different than the status quo - even when I'm pretending to be a teacher!
So maybe these kids forget how to spell "I" (wtf?), and always switch the letters around in the word "with." Maybe they can't form a question correctly and maybe they always forget the 3rd person singular 's' in the simple present. But maybe I'm impacting them in an equally important way by keeping them on their toes, making them use their creativity and generally being a positive ray of sunshiney silliness on days that might otherwise be rather dull.
According to this preschool study, it's not about what you teach young kids, but how you make them feel. If that extends to any of the other grades, then I'd say there's hope I'm positively affecting at least a few of these little turd muffins in the long term. ;)
XOXO
Friday, April 5, 2013
Day 213: Jenna Marbles
Once I get excited about a new project, I milk every single free second I have to revel in Brainstorming Land. While walking home from the train station, I started thinking about the first video I'd post for my classes to watch. The train of thought went something like this, with the last sentence (for those of you who do not watch Jenna Marbles - and if you don't, wth?) an allusion to one of her videos:
"Man, if only Jenna Marbles had just one video without cuss words... Or maybe there are 'clean' edited versions online? Nah... that would totally take a super important element out of the humor... Maybe I could email her and ask if she could do a video for all those poor ESL kids out there who could use some Hot and Hilarious American Girl Motivation?! Hahaha... Nah, she's not going to do that."
I forgot all about it for a few hours until I saw on my Facebook she'd uploaded her video for the week. I watched it and laughed (as usual!) and was delighted that it only had two F words! ;) For a Jenna Marbles video, that's like saying Jenna converted into a nun for the week - hahaha.
After watching, I realized I'd never seen last week's video and quickly went to watch it. To say I was ill-prepared for the next six seconds would be a vast understatment.
For the first time, Jenna made a video that showed her inside self. And it was amazing.
There are always people like Jenna who seem to have the perfect life: this girl is way attractive, has a hilariously unique personality that is adored worldwide by millions of people and has made her super famous, seems to have awesome friends and had a sweet boyfriend, lives in a gorgeous place in LA, is educated, gets to travel and basically gets to do what she loves for a living and probably makes bank doing it. Basically, she is one of the girls I want to be when I'm having a really off day.
And then she posted this vlog... and my respect for her skyrocketed.
In the video she drew out her life story on a dry erase board and narrated it – and the common thread tying it all together was, “I don't know what I'm doing... I feel kinda lonely...”
I realize it sounds ridiculous to say that I thought I was the only person who felt this way... because I know 99% of the world feels this way sometimes... but to have somebody who looks like she has her shit together so solidly open up about how she really feels inside sometimes... it was a complete epiphany.
The way she described her relationships, her jobs, feeling lonely and lost, but how she felt when she did what she loved... suddenly this person I had always idolized in a way was on my level and it made me realize how having a bunch of fans and invitations is not what defines success. Success is that little buzzy, bumbly feeling in your tummy you get when you look around at your life while you're doing the most mundane task in the world and you say to yourself, “Wow. I wish I could tell 15 year old me about what her life is going to be like. She would be so proud and amazed. And... it's only the beginning!”
Yep, as it turns out, sometimes, success STEMS FROM having no set path AND from having to fight for yourself when you feel so small and insignificant.
At the end of her vlog, she drew a flower and said she thinks things are okay, though, because it all gives her a chance to grow. I couldn't help but smile at this conclusion, as I felt it was perfectly put. As I approach my 24th birthday (one week!), I'm seeing so many people around me getting married, having babies, getting “real people” jobs. They seem to have their lives figured out. See, at first this petrified me. But then, I realized, what I wanted more than to be surrounded by the same people who loved me every day and go to the same job every day for the rest of my life was to have room to grow... and grow... and grow... and grow.
Maybe it's not conventional, but I've never been the conventional type, anyway. And so, as I quickly approach 24, I no longer feel fearful and shameful about not being on everybody else's track – but, instead, I feel invigorated by the sheer amount of possibilities that lay before me. Once again, it goes back to those Ani lyrics, “I won't forfeit my creativity to a world that's all laid out for me... All of this was just someone's idea – it could just as well have been mine.”
I think the Jennas and the Chelseas of the world sometimes try so hard to fit themselves into the cookie cutter life that is purported to be so “wonderful.” They try so hard, but they weren't designed to be in those molds, and so when they fail... they feel like there is something intrinsically wrong with them. They feel lost. They feel alone. They feel small. They feel like a disappointment. They feel confused. They feel scared. They feel like everybody has it all figured out and they're the slow kid in the corner of the classroom whose been given up on even my their own teacher. And the frustration is all the worse, because they KNOW they should be better than that. THEY of all people should know what they're doing and be adored and be on track.
The tricky thing to realize is that not fitting into that cookie cutter life doesn't make them a lost, lonely failure. Instead, it's what makes them so incredible. It's what gives them their fire and their talent and their uniqueness and their power to do the incredible.
If suddenly you turn feeling lost and fearful into feeling an infinite sense of possibility and wonder. If suddenly you turn feeling alone into feeling a wonderful sense of individuality and go into the world looking for people who will be able to appreciate that in you, rather than trying to get the attention and love from the people who weren't built to appreciate it (“You can be the juiciest peach in the world, and there will still be someone who doesn't like peaches.”)... If suddenly you turn feeling confused and a disappointment into feeling a tide of creativity and passion for what you love take over your being...
… the gratitude you'll have not being a cookie cutter sort of person will overflow and fill your life with the craziest of adventures and whimsical experiences.
I wish I could write something to other non-cookie cutter people to explain this to them. To help them to see it. But the crux of it is, we non-cookie cutter people thrive on figuring things out on our own. It's like the very definition of us – you can't tell us what to think or what to do! And that's what makes us so awesome. <3
Jenna's video really changed the way I will define success from now on, and I'm extremely grateful for that. I adore the transparency and quiet bravery it took her to post such a vlog and can't wait for the day she posts a new one, proclaiming that the question she always comes back to is no longer, “What am I doing...?” but rather, “What do I get to do next!!?” ^_^
XOXO
"Man, if only Jenna Marbles had just one video without cuss words... Or maybe there are 'clean' edited versions online? Nah... that would totally take a super important element out of the humor... Maybe I could email her and ask if she could do a video for all those poor ESL kids out there who could use some Hot and Hilarious American Girl Motivation?! Hahaha... Nah, she's not going to do that."
I forgot all about it for a few hours until I saw on my Facebook she'd uploaded her video for the week. I watched it and laughed (as usual!) and was delighted that it only had two F words! ;) For a Jenna Marbles video, that's like saying Jenna converted into a nun for the week - hahaha.
After watching, I realized I'd never seen last week's video and quickly went to watch it. To say I was ill-prepared for the next six seconds would be a vast understatment.
For the first time, Jenna made a video that showed her inside self. And it was amazing.
There are always people like Jenna who seem to have the perfect life: this girl is way attractive, has a hilariously unique personality that is adored worldwide by millions of people and has made her super famous, seems to have awesome friends and had a sweet boyfriend, lives in a gorgeous place in LA, is educated, gets to travel and basically gets to do what she loves for a living and probably makes bank doing it. Basically, she is one of the girls I want to be when I'm having a really off day.
And then she posted this vlog... and my respect for her skyrocketed.
In the video she drew out her life story on a dry erase board and narrated it – and the common thread tying it all together was, “I don't know what I'm doing... I feel kinda lonely...”
I realize it sounds ridiculous to say that I thought I was the only person who felt this way... because I know 99% of the world feels this way sometimes... but to have somebody who looks like she has her shit together so solidly open up about how she really feels inside sometimes... it was a complete epiphany.
The way she described her relationships, her jobs, feeling lonely and lost, but how she felt when she did what she loved... suddenly this person I had always idolized in a way was on my level and it made me realize how having a bunch of fans and invitations is not what defines success. Success is that little buzzy, bumbly feeling in your tummy you get when you look around at your life while you're doing the most mundane task in the world and you say to yourself, “Wow. I wish I could tell 15 year old me about what her life is going to be like. She would be so proud and amazed. And... it's only the beginning!”
Yep, as it turns out, sometimes, success STEMS FROM having no set path AND from having to fight for yourself when you feel so small and insignificant.
At the end of her vlog, she drew a flower and said she thinks things are okay, though, because it all gives her a chance to grow. I couldn't help but smile at this conclusion, as I felt it was perfectly put. As I approach my 24th birthday (one week!), I'm seeing so many people around me getting married, having babies, getting “real people” jobs. They seem to have their lives figured out. See, at first this petrified me. But then, I realized, what I wanted more than to be surrounded by the same people who loved me every day and go to the same job every day for the rest of my life was to have room to grow... and grow... and grow... and grow.
Maybe it's not conventional, but I've never been the conventional type, anyway. And so, as I quickly approach 24, I no longer feel fearful and shameful about not being on everybody else's track – but, instead, I feel invigorated by the sheer amount of possibilities that lay before me. Once again, it goes back to those Ani lyrics, “I won't forfeit my creativity to a world that's all laid out for me... All of this was just someone's idea – it could just as well have been mine.”
I think the Jennas and the Chelseas of the world sometimes try so hard to fit themselves into the cookie cutter life that is purported to be so “wonderful.” They try so hard, but they weren't designed to be in those molds, and so when they fail... they feel like there is something intrinsically wrong with them. They feel lost. They feel alone. They feel small. They feel like a disappointment. They feel confused. They feel scared. They feel like everybody has it all figured out and they're the slow kid in the corner of the classroom whose been given up on even my their own teacher. And the frustration is all the worse, because they KNOW they should be better than that. THEY of all people should know what they're doing and be adored and be on track.
The tricky thing to realize is that not fitting into that cookie cutter life doesn't make them a lost, lonely failure. Instead, it's what makes them so incredible. It's what gives them their fire and their talent and their uniqueness and their power to do the incredible.
If suddenly you turn feeling lost and fearful into feeling an infinite sense of possibility and wonder. If suddenly you turn feeling alone into feeling a wonderful sense of individuality and go into the world looking for people who will be able to appreciate that in you, rather than trying to get the attention and love from the people who weren't built to appreciate it (“You can be the juiciest peach in the world, and there will still be someone who doesn't like peaches.”)... If suddenly you turn feeling confused and a disappointment into feeling a tide of creativity and passion for what you love take over your being...
… the gratitude you'll have not being a cookie cutter sort of person will overflow and fill your life with the craziest of adventures and whimsical experiences.
I wish I could write something to other non-cookie cutter people to explain this to them. To help them to see it. But the crux of it is, we non-cookie cutter people thrive on figuring things out on our own. It's like the very definition of us – you can't tell us what to think or what to do! And that's what makes us so awesome. <3
Jenna's video really changed the way I will define success from now on, and I'm extremely grateful for that. I adore the transparency and quiet bravery it took her to post such a vlog and can't wait for the day she posts a new one, proclaiming that the question she always comes back to is no longer, “What am I doing...?” but rather, “What do I get to do next!!?” ^_^
XOXO
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