I closed my eyes while I was under the hot water and began to imagine it. I imagined the person in front of me and how they made me feel. I imagined what an everyday conversation would be like. We talked about whether we should go on an adventure that day or stay snuggled up at home with a movie and warm tea. I imagined feeling of endless possibility; the feeling of knowing that I'd gotten it right. I imagined thinking about my plans with my friends later in the week and all the giggling that would ensue over dessert and martinis. I imagined going out to night time business parties, all dressed up in self-confidence. I imagined just being and being so content and warm and loved for exactly who I was. That I would grow old with those smile lines carved deep into the corners of my eyes.
He came to tell me he'd found them, but that I had to work very hard. That everything would be beautiful and nothing would hurt any longer if I just remained focused. That it was going to be well worth the hard work. Oh so very worth it.
Not having my book "When Everything Changes, Change Everything" with me here has made for a bit of a struggle. I'm going to cave tonight and buy a used copy on Amazon - UK. But tonight I was reminded of a passage towards the middle/end of the book: Everything changes because you want it to; it doesn't change in spite of you, it changes because of you. It changes at your will.
Not only did I know this was coming, I willed it to all change. I was at the center of it. I asked it to. All of the things that I have been fighting with inside myself because they are slipping away are the very things I willed to do so. The quiet inside of myself that only comes out through the gel of a pen on a sacred surface set things up accordingly. But when I saw them all going away from me, I panicked and thought this change was proving my insignificance. But this whole time I've been denying to myself that I'm the one that set it up this way - and all on purpose for a Very Sound Reason: Regaining my Personal Happiness.
Even in these moments where I feel like I'm losing my grasp on everything I've held of supreme importance, there is a sense of hope and happiness and faith and self-reliance and self-respect and self-love that wasn't there when I had everything I thought I'd wanted.
These in between times always seem to be the greatest fountains of personal happiness for me. It's that delicious feeling of uncertainty and infinite possibility. It's that feeling that I can be the queen of anything and that it's finally my turn to decide again. You get from life what you have the courage to ask for, and I think that I just might be one of those people who dares to ask for the wild, craziest thing I want and then work until I get it. These are the times I love, as much as the thought of them scares me.
The first part is to figure out exactly what I want. Do what The Secret says - pretend like you're ordering it out of a catalog of life experiences and people. ;) And then, after I've figured it out, determine what kind of girl I need to become to fit into that life I want and figure out how to become her so that I'm ready when it all begins to appear.
For now...
The top three things I want: Somebody mature, confident, happy, adventurous and loving who makes me feel adored every minute of the day for exactly who I am. Friends who are on my level (or, let's be real, a step above my level) and love languages, traveling, giggling and my sense of humor and tenacity. A career that I adore and allows me to use my passions to truly thrive and help others and be successful, working with people I adore and loving waking up to go work.
The top three things I want to become myself: Self-confident. Self-adoring. Moderately social - i.e. comfortable and thriving when interacting with a wide variety of people.
The top three things I have now: Wonderfully supportive roomies (in a great apartment!) who make me giggle and feel accepted and loved and like I have a real home I look forward to coming back to each night! A wonderful opportunity to live in Europe and explore all I want out of the whole continent! A very sure sense of where I'm heading - and ineffible as that sense might be at times!
The top three things I am now: Tenacious. Hopeful. Grateful. Rebuilding my sanguinity and regaining my moxie.
Must stay focused.
XOXO
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