I've always adored this song. I've always been able to identify with it better than almost any other song I've ever heard. But I'm thinking about making it my theme song for this adventure. I need something like this right now, and I think it's perfect:
i will not stand immersed,
in this ultra violent curse
i won't let you make a tool of me
i will keep my mind and body free
bye bye minutiae
of the day to day drama,
i'm expanding exponentially,
i am consciousness without identity
i am many things,
made of everything,
but i will not be your bank roll
i won't idle in your drive-thru,
i won't watch your electric sideshow
i got way
better places to go
i will maintain the truth
i knew naturally as a child
i won't forfeit my creativity,
to a world that's all laid out for me
i will look at everything around me
and i will vow to bear in mind
that all of this was just someone's idea
it could just as well be mine There's a letter I've been meaning to write. It's a letter that I've needed to be very centered to write. It's a letter that will be the first of its kind. At first I thought I was nuts wanting to write such a letter, but I'm starting to see the wisdom in it. I'm starting to see the maturity in it. I'm starting to realize it may just be one of the better ideas I've had in awhile.When I wrote my favorite teachers a year or two ago a thank you/Christmas card, I was amazed at the responses I got back. But now that I'm a teacher, I'm starting to see exactly why they were so happy to receive my letters. Gratitude is not something that's freely given in this day and age, and when you take the time to sincerely thank somebody who has honestly made a huge impact on your life - well, image the impact. All too often people go through life thinking that they don't matter, that they've made no impact, that their existence has been for naught. But I think about specific things people did for me as I've grown into who I am fairly often, and think about how had they not been there for me in specific moments how I would have grown into an entirely different person - how I wouldn't be where I am and who I am. And I wonder if they know it. I assume they don't. Why would they? They past few weeks I have been finding myself in a position where I feel like that - feel like I haven't impacted anyone (at least not for the better) and like I continue to have to positive impact. And it makes me cry. And it makes me depressed. Because I have good intentions - and I truly want to make a difference - to the kids I teach, to my friends, to the people I love the most - but I never know if I'm succeeding. And so I have a letter to write - a letter that's long over-due. I don't know how it will be received. But I can't think about that. I need to write it for myself and if I write it with all of the positive intentions I have hidden inside of me, maybe it will spread a little joy like I hope it will. I can't imagine someone I cared about writing me a "Thank you" letter to express gratitude towards me and giving me credit for where they've ended up and who they are. I can't imagine having that much sway in someone's life and I can't imagine anyone thinking about me enough to sit down and really write something that would change my perspective on life and myself. It's a daring thing to do, and it is taking a lot of bravery, but I think tonight or tomorrow I will sit down and I will do it. And I will reread it as many times as it takes to make certain it is exactly what I mean. Woody told me yesterday that he had his class write the president a thank you letter. At first I was upset with him over it. Why would you write that man a thank you letter? I told him he shouldn't have his class liberally-biased. But he made a good point. He said it was time to have a generation that saw politics as a, "We love America and want our country to be the best. We realize everyone is trying to do that, but it is up to us who we believe can best make our country amazing." I listened to enough Rush Limbaugh on the way to work every morning and have enough politically charged messages in my inbox from my mom to say that I don't think the left has an agenda to consciously destroy our nation and make it the next Orwellian novel, however I can appreciate Woody's point. Last Saturday night I had a conversation with two of my roomies about politics. I chose to not come at it from a Republican "I know all" perspective, but rather from a, "I'm curious as to your opinions and will attempt to be as neutral and curious as possible" perspective. And boy did I learn a lot. Telling somebody that they're wrong and your right will not get anyone anywhere - even if they are right and you're wrong! Talking over the debate and the main points with them in a neutral environment allowed us all to see each others' perspectives with open arms and when somebody had a good point, it was accepted with an, "Ahhh!" rather than a "NO. You're wrong because I'm RIGHT." Sure, I kept my same opinion on every matter, but I did a better job of sharing my own opinions and of seeing their concerns and points, as well. And so Woody has a point. Why not spread gratitude and see what comes of it? At worst, nothing will change and everything will stay the same as if you'd never sent the gratitude out, but at best? At best it could change the way the world works. And I'm willing to take that first step. To risk it. Maybe it won't mean a thing to the person I'm addressing it to - or maybe it will mean everything. But at least I will have spoken the truth. At least I will have taken a step towards myself and towards gratitude. Maybe after this first letter - probably the hardest one - I will be able to start a weekly thing of it. I would really like that. I write a list of people who have shaped me and each week spend an hour or two just letting them know how grateful I am for who they are and how they've helped me. This is the thing I do when I feel I'm loosing grip on myself, and after words not only do I remember how many important people have given a part of themselves so I could be where and who I am, but it allows them to feel the gratitude and made smile and feel happy if only for a day. I remember writing my 7th grade math teacher. I remember telling her that I vividly remembered the day she came into our math class and just started crying. She said she'd just been informed that one of her past students had killed himself. She was so upset. He hadn't been her student for years, but she remembered him and was so torn up about it. She started cry-screaming at us in a gentle way that if any of us ever ever EVER felt like life was so awful that we needed to just end our own, that we had to promise her here and now that we would aat least call her first. Just a call. I was 12 years old. I had never seen a teacher cry. I was so scared and felt so bad for her. And so I promised. If anything ever happened to me that made me believe it was better to kill myself than continue living, I would find a way to contact her first. She said it didn't matter what time it was. It didn't matter how many years at past since we'd last seen her. Just please, call first. I wrote her that. I told her that since that conversation I'd had a friend kill himself. I'd had a friend who I was sure would end up killing himself, but who'd been murdered in the end. I'd had really rough times and I'd occasionally hidden in my closet crying and wondering what the point was anymore. And every time I'd gone in that closet to sob and scream and wail, I'd thought about her. I'd thought about that day in math class. And I'd thought I knew I had somebody to call if I just couldn't do it anymore. And knowing that - reminding myself of that - had always made me feel much better if just for a second. Knowing I wasn't alone and that I had made a promise to a teacher who really cared. And that I wouldn't disappoint her.She wrote me back right away. She said how much it'd meant to her to receive that letter. She told me the next time I was in town she'd love to meet up for coffee and catch up. And she thanked me. I have so many moments like that in my life. So many people who changed they way I'd live in just a few minutes. And if somebody like me - a girl who considers herself pretty strong and tenacious and sanguine - can have her moments - her days, weeks, months - where she just feels like nobody would notice if she were to disappear - then I'm supposing all the people in my life who have truly impacted me must have days like that, too. After becoming a teacher, I'm beginning to realize we really all are just people. Even the girl who I've held to be a goddess since middle school probably has those days where she wonders who she is and cries to herself. Even my most amazing teachers (I'm now convinced) have probably sat at their desks and wondered to themselves what they're doing and why are they here.So no, it's not all selfless. I want to be a little piece of paper that gives someone a smile for a day. But I also want them to know how truly appreciated they are - because I think that could really change a lot of perspectives and create a grander sense of happiness than currently exists in the world. I know that if anybody I'd ever known suddenly sent me a random letter out of the blue thanking me for something I'd done that'd changed them for the better, I would be speechless. I would see my life a little differently. I would see myself differently. And I would have one of those big, authentic smiles plastered on my face for a good while.The project starts tomorrow. Here goes nothing.XOXO
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