Skyping with Woody last night and comparing notes on our job was really nice. It's funny to think how we met seven years ago and now we have the same exact job, albeit in two different countries. He was telling me how he's having a bit of an identity crisis. He knows he's not a kid anymore, but he doesn't feel like an adult at all. And I knew EXACTLY what he was talking about.
I'm realizing that this is the very first time in my life that I have ever been in a position of authority or leadership. Ever. I was born an Aries and always figured I was meant to be anything but a follower, but up until now I've never really had a chance to try it on for size. And let me just say, it's both exactly what I expected it would be like all while being nothing like I thought it'd be like.
When I think "leader" or "authority figure," I think someone clever and confident. I'm clever. I'm confident. But the thing is, I'm clever and confident when I'm alone in my sweats writing on my computer and listening to music. I'm clever and confident out on the dance floor with one other partner leading my every move. I'm clever and confident wandering the streets of a foreign city by myself or with a close friend.
Put me around more than a few people and I'm quiet and unsure. I'm either judging them or myself. I'm not sure how to insert my comments, I'm not sure how to act, I'm not sure who I should be. And whenever I try to say something, however I try to act, whoever I try to be - it never feels right.
So stick me in front of a room of 20 kids with a teacher sitting next to me at their desk waiting for me and suddenly I'm not entirely sure who I am in that moment. Sure, as the weeks have worn on, I've begun to gain a better understanding of the process; they kids adore me, the teachers are very sweet to me and each class can't wait for their turn with me every week.
I'm a great speaker - no matter the size of the audience - but this is a little different than just speaking. I have to get their attention. I have to keep their attention. I have to deal with behavior issues. I have to lead the class (and lead them in whatever direction I choose!). I am in charge of everyone. Full liberty to do what I please, teach what I please and manage the classroom as I please. But just like how I prefer to speak for a larger audience rather than a small one, I'm realizing the more kids, the easier the classroom is to control. My one-on-one lessons are the hardest for me to establish any authority whatsoever.
I look around at the teachers around me. I think about the teachers I've had. Almost all of them have this air of confidence that just radiates out of them. The great ones. The shitty ones. All of them. They just have this surpreme air of authority. Of "I know what I'm doing, damnit." And boy do I certainly not have that.
Sure, this week I began to establish it with the class that was really beginning to piss me off. It sure wasn't hard. Enough was enough and I was pretty done with it. I've never had a problem speaking up for myself when I feel it's warrented. But the classroom with boys throwing paper planes. The classroom where everyone starts giggling to each other rather than do their work. The classroom where someone has to go to the bathroom every five minutes just to get out of class. The classroom where everyone talks to each other instead of pay attention. Those are the classrooms where I rather just start playing on my phone in the corner than even attempt to reign them in. I just don't have that confident presence that says, "HEY. I'm AWESOME. And I KNOW what I'm DOING. Your attention is ALL MINE."
This confidence thing isn't just something I've been noticing in the classroom -- yeah, yeah, I'm a new teacher... it's normal... I don't know what I'm doing, so why would I radiate copious amounts of confidence, etc. -- but something that is being made very clear to me by comparing myself to the Spaniards around me.
Yes, this IS exactly WHY I travel. Perspective. I iz gaining a new one. People here just walk around like they are the shit at all points in the day. They are always dressed impressed. They always have that harsh tone in daily interactions that says, "I know what I'm talking about and you can eff yourself if you even begin to think otherwise." A lot of people seem to take this self-confidence to an extreme where it becomes unattractive, but others just seem genuinely confident and comfortable in their own skin no matter where they are. It's like it would never occur to them that they aren't accepted for who they are. Ever. And it's like people here really do just accept everyone for who they are - or, at least, to an outsider it seems that way. And if they don't, it's not a big deal.
I, on the other hand, am constantly preoccupied by my every move. "Oh I bet they're judging how awful my ponytail looks today." "Oh I bet I'm bothering my roommates with my random questions." "Oh I think I smell funny and everyone around me probably thinks I'm totally gross." (EFF Spanish deoderant. EFF it.) "Oh I bet people think my outfit is weird." "Oh I'm not getting anybody's attention; the teacher probably thinks I'm a joke." "Oh I don't really socialize during lunch because I don't have anything to say. Everyone probably thinks I'm an awkward outcast." "Oh I forgot to say 'bye' when I walked out of the room. Everyone probably thinks I'm rude." "Oh I'm on the computer again 'cause I have two hours before I have a class to teach. People probably think I'm not taking my job seriously." "Oh I haven't heard from anybody from America today. Everyone's probably forgotten about me."
This is how my day goes. All day. Every day.
And then I wonder why I don't feel like a super confident BAMF.
And the thing is, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is how I've lived my life since I was practically 10 years old. I've always thought I was pretty self-confident, because when I'm alone I am. Up to this point I can honestly say I've followed every dream I've had until I either reached it or realized it wasn't what I truly wanted. I've loved the people closest to me with all my heart and felt so loved in return. I've traveled. I've done wonderfully academically. I've written a ton. I've painted. I've learned to dance and adore it. I've created.
But all those things were me with myself.
My self-confidence when thrown in a pot with other people and stripped of my sweatpants and colorful gel pens and cupcakes lined up next to my computer to fuel me... it's small and unsure. When all my personal armor is stripped away, I'm not so sure what's left.
I'm not sure how to be myself when I'm not by myself.
XOXO
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