Happily, I'm all caught up on Gossip Girl, which means I can't hide under the covers and pretend like I'm living in their world with the adorable outfits and close knit friends. Nope, now it's time that I start figuring out how to create that world for myself.
Which leaves me with so many thoughts that I don't even know how to sort them all out.
Pinterest Quote of the Day: Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.
I remember being under those lights with the music blaring and feeling like everyone was staring at me and ignoring me at the same time and all I wanted was to be in Spain. That's it. I would say to myself, "It'll be here soon. You just have to wait a little longer. I'll get you there. Don't worry."
I knew this would happen and I wrote me a letter while I was in our apartment in Portland as I sat on my bed waiting at 3 am. I wrote myself a letter telling myself to be brave and to not look back. That I had proved what I needed to and it was everyone else's turn once I boarded that plane. But it still stings.
Every few posts I say I'm going to change my perspective. I'm going to have some sort of break through. My mom told me I sounded bi-polar. My roomies rushed to assure me I wasn't. But the truth is, I'm not quite ready yet. It's not last summer - I don't have only 88 days to have the best time of my life. This is a longer process. A more permanent change in the end. I have to go into it with the right mindset, and boy am I trying, but I'm still in that edge of the future stage.
Today I made a new board on Pinterest and posted almost 100 pictures of who I want to become this year. What that girl looks like. She's confident. She doesn't sit around waiting for people to show any signs of caring. She's moving forward, working towards something that truly puts a twinkle in her eye. It's that radiating self-love from the inside look and feeling. That's what I want to acheive this year.
And I know that's not easy.
It's not something I can write a blog post for and suddenly find it inside of myself. This is definitely one of those process goals - with ups and downs - and one of those goals where there's not a definite conclusion to it. I'm not trying to gain anyone's love and recognition other than my own this time. I don't know how I'll know when I've succeeded, but I have a feeling I'll know when I get there.
So after three days of roomie bonding and sleeping in and writing and relaxing, I'm ready to get started. My steps towards acheiving this goal go something like this:
1) Bring the Gratitude Journal back. This was one of those things that, when I hit rock bottom in high school, really brought me back. Instead of focusing on the two things I don't have, I need to start focusing on all the things I'm surrounded by and taking for granted. Like that quote said, this was all I wanted for a long time. It's time to make it as wonderful as I had day dreamed it would be for all that time.
2) Start dressing the part. By Wednesday of each week I'm wearing t-shirts, jeans and Uggs. I'm not in America anymore, and I need to start dressing the part if I want to start feeling the part of a cute, confident European girl. Abby and I researched the keys to the European 20-something style and have it mostly figured out. Time to start achieving the look, one step at a time. I mean, you only really need five outfits in a week! ;)
3) Listen to music more. Now that Abby has shown me the wonder of Spotify, I intend to get on this. Just a single song can raise a person's mood to a whole new level. I need music that will keep me focused on my goal and stop listening to the comforting sounds of the angsty trip-hop songs. Trip-hop: Wonderful. Only listening to the songs about love and sadness: Counter-productive.
Let's start with these three this week and see where we go. No more big, "This is going to solve everything tomorrow!" moments. Just realistic small steps towards my bigger goal.
I have a good image in my head of who I next want to be and it's time to embark on the journey to becoming that girl. I know I'm in the perfect place *Europe!?)to do it, surrounded by some really supportive and awesome roomies and a nurturing work environment... I know I feel really lost and alone sometimes, but I'm starting to see the wisdom in the choices I've made up to this point. I knew all along this goal was going to be a considerable amount more difficult than I've been used to - but I also knew (and know) that this is one of those self-defining shifts in my identity that will open up an entire new world I couldn't even dream of.
I'm so grateful to have had this three day weekend with my roomie to just relax and be. I'm also so grateful that there are only two and a half weeks until our next break (four day weekend!?!). ;) Let's see where I can get in these next two and a half weeks. Step one is giving myself the gift of patience. This is the first time in my life that I'm working autonomously for something that involves nobody but myself. I acknowledge that - or I'll learn to. ;) I think that's kinda half the point of all of this!
And so, before I have to totally release my amazing angsty trip-hop (let's face it, I'm never relinquishing it, it gives me that serene moment of just letting everything fall apart and see the beauty of it and be okay with it for even just three minutes), I present my new favorite song of the day by the band Blue Tofu. It's just so appropriate I can't stop listening; it truly does feel like a battle between doing for me, doing for them and doing for you... and after all this time, I can no longer accept not being loved for what I do. I caught myself feeling guilty as I looked at pictures of far off places - and that was an eye-opener. It's one thing feeling lonely, but it's another not feeling loved for who I am and want to become. I wish I had Moxie for just fifteen minutes to drive her around and play this song and cry and talk to her and feel rejuvinated and ready. But I'll have to remind myself what Moxie means: the ability to face difficulty with spirit and courage. I didn't name my car that for nothing - I knew I'd need reminders sometimes. ;) <3
I feel like a sculpture
No hands, no legs
I reach out,
but I cannot touch you
Doubt creeps in my mind
I question what I am here for
All I can do is...
What would I do?
Open some other door?
I have a hard time accepting
That I will not be loved for what I do
It's a battle between doing for me,
doing for them,
doing for you
I try not to be mean
I know I am anyway
My good intentions
Remain to be seen
But they will not be seen today
I have no perfect equation
I neglect people like you neglect plants
I did not mean for this to be the outcome
We don't stick to plans
I have a hard time accepting
That I will not be loved for what I do
It's a battle between doing for me
doing for them
doing for you
XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment