Day 59: Halloween

Getting dressed as little black cats with the other teachers for the Halloween Party at school was a hoot. I giggled and giggled as everyone put on their ears, their tails and their whiskers! The kids looked really cute in their costumes (best costume? the kid who dressed up as Michael Jackson!! keep in mind, in Spain kids only dress up as scary things... HAHA) and it was fun watching them all play games outside and then go through the "haunted classrooms" that the older kids had created for the littler ones. :)

And so, before too long, it was PUENTE time. At first I was a little overwhelmed by the idea of four days off. Sure, it had been all I'd dreamed about for WEEKS, but now that it was here, what would I do with all of that time? I irrationally thought that I would be all alone (with Abby gone and all) and became a bit depressed about it. I went grocery shopping for some food to make some Pinterest Recipes to try to cheer myself up, but it wasn't until I got home and had my two friends standing in front of me, all dressed up and ready, asking what I was doing tonight and would I like to go out to celebrate Halloween that I truly perked up.

I showered and got ready while they made me an apple grilled cheese and pregamed. We went to a bar to play pool, and when we realized we were all pretty bad at it, we left and went to a club and danced the rest of the night away. :) It was pretty awesome and I had a great time with them drinking, dancing and giggling. ^_^

XOXO

Day 58: Mr. Nacho & Tango Tuesday

Cutest part of my day: After school it was time to tutor Mr. Nacho. The first few days he was totally freaked out of me and wanted nothing to do with me. He cried once. Tried to hide under the bed once. And just generally didn't say a single word to me. But after that epic day where he tried to baracade me in the kitchen by moving a table in front of the door and piling every single stuffed animal he had (and he as A TON) and I took it as a challenge to teach him the animal vocabulary while silmultaneously pretending to drown in animals and drawing animals with little word bubbles... well... he began to see I wasn't all bad.

In fact, after that day, he actually started to look forward to me coming over! We throw animals around. Paint with glitter glue. Make pop up houses. Dance. Sing. Get crazy. The things I do with myself, actually, but with a 6 year old there as a playmate. ;)

God, I'm awesome.

Anyway, during our "tutoring session" (bahaha - I laugh, but this kid is getting really good at English from just hanging out with me for two hours a week. We only play in English and he knows the rule very well. I never make him feel dumb or make it seem tricky - if he doesn't know a word and I can tell, I whisper it to him like it's part of the game and he gets really excited to learn it. He's pretty awesome, himself!) we decided to play with a fake guitar and mic and make up songs in English. Yeah, this kid was just singing to himself about whatever he felt like and it was ALL IN ENGLISH. Like, whoa. I don't think I could make up a song on the spot in Spanish... o_O I was impressed. :)

After hour hour was over (I admit, I'm always a little sad to leave), his mom walked me out. She started to tell me how the other day he'd asked if I could come over to play that day as they were getting ready to leave school. "Well, no... Chelsea is busy. She only comes Tuesdays and Thursdays, remember?" "But Moooooom, I want her to come over to play EVERYday!" ^_^ Adorable! Then she told me how she had been telling her friend about me - "The English Conversation Professor from the USA" and Mr. Nacho heard her and said, "No, Mom; Chelsea's not my teacher, she's my FRIEND." SO. CUTE!!!!!!

And yes, that was the big moment of my day!!! ^_^ YAY!!!

After that I journeyed into Madrid and took my tutoring money from the week and bought my cream colored Fuzzy Blanket of Happiness and Warmth (OMG YAY) and then journeyed up the street my usual slice of pizza. Today the guy actually remembered my order (woot) and started asking me about myself. We got on the subject of tattoos and he showed me how his whole body was tatted up (omg) and said if I ever wanted a cheap one that his buddy works at one of the good shops in Madrid (tattoo hook up #2 - amazing). ^_^ Yay!

Before long it was Tango time and, as per usual, I had a great time. After class I asked the teacher when I would be able to move to the intermediate level (let's be real, even though it's only been a few weeks, I just can't deal with these guys who can't even do the basic. it's too awkward and I'm wasting my time/money being their guinea pig. Dance is one of those things where I'm willing to be selfish and say, "Hey! This is MY time and you are slowing me down, buster!"

The teacher responded that I would be welcome to come for two or three classes a week, like my favorite partner does, and join an intermediate class, too. If tuition wouldn't double and if it wouldn't be during when I have private lessons, I would have jumped at the chance. But I would only be able to make it 8pm on Sundays and 9 pm on Tuesdays and that wouldn't be worth it. So, I'll think about it for maybe January or something? We'll see. :)

XOXO

Day 57: Breathe

I closed my eyes while I was under the hot water and began to imagine it. I imagined the person in front of me and how they made me feel. I imagined what an everyday conversation would be like. We talked about whether we should go on an adventure that day or stay snuggled up at home with a movie and warm tea. I imagined feeling of endless possibility; the feeling of knowing that I'd gotten it right. I imagined thinking about my plans with my friends later in the week and all the giggling that would ensue over dessert and martinis. I imagined going out to night time business parties, all dressed up in self-confidence. I imagined just being and being so content and warm and loved for exactly who I was. That I would grow old with those smile lines carved deep into the corners of my eyes.

He came to tell me he'd found them, but that I had to work very hard. That everything would be beautiful and nothing would hurt any longer if I just remained focused. That it was going to be well worth the hard work. Oh so very worth it.

Not having my book "When Everything Changes, Change Everything" with me here has made for a bit of a struggle. I'm going to cave tonight and buy a used copy on Amazon - UK. But tonight I was reminded of a passage towards the middle/end of the book: Everything changes because you want it to; it doesn't change in spite of you, it changes because of you. It changes at your will.

Not only did I know this was coming, I willed it to all change. I was at the center of it. I asked it to. All of the things that I have been fighting with inside myself because they are slipping away are the very things I willed to do so. The quiet inside of myself that only comes out through the gel of a pen on a sacred surface set things up accordingly. But when I saw them all going away from me, I panicked and thought this change was proving my insignificance. But this whole time I've been denying to myself that I'm the one that set it up this way - and all on purpose for a Very Sound Reason: Regaining my Personal Happiness.

Even in these moments where I feel like I'm losing my grasp on everything I've held of supreme importance, there is a sense of hope and happiness and faith and self-reliance and self-respect and self-love that wasn't there when I had everything I thought I'd wanted.

These in between times always seem to be the greatest fountains of personal happiness for me. It's that delicious feeling of uncertainty and infinite possibility. It's that feeling that I can be the queen of anything and that it's finally my turn to decide again. You get from life what you have the courage to ask for, and I think that I just might be one of those people who dares to ask for the wild, craziest thing I want and then work until I get it. These are the times I love, as much as the thought of them scares me.

The first part is to figure out exactly what I want. Do what The Secret says - pretend like you're ordering it out of a catalog of life experiences and people. ;) And then, after I've figured it out, determine what kind of girl I need to become to fit into that life I want and figure out how to become her so that I'm ready when it all begins to appear.

For now...
The top three things I want: Somebody mature, confident, happy, adventurous and loving who makes me feel adored every minute of the day for exactly who I am. Friends who are on my level (or, let's be real, a step above my level) and love languages, traveling, giggling and my sense of humor and tenacity. A career that I adore and allows me to use my passions to truly thrive and help others and be successful, working with people I adore and loving waking up to go work.

The top three things I want to become myself: Self-confident. Self-adoring. Moderately social - i.e. comfortable and thriving when interacting with a wide variety of people.

The top three things I have now: Wonderfully supportive roomies (in a great apartment!) who make me giggle and feel accepted and loved and like I have a real home I look forward to coming back to each night! A wonderful opportunity to live in Europe and explore all I want out of the whole continent! A very sure sense of where I'm heading - and ineffible as that sense might be at times!

The top three things I am now: Tenacious. Hopeful. Grateful. Rebuilding my sanguinity and regaining my moxie.

Must stay focused.
XOXO

Day 56: I Am Loved

Last year in my post about Conor playing his song for me in the park on my fifth day in Spain, I finished the entry with this line:

"... but it helps knowing that my sanguinity is backed by unconditional love. <3"

 And there is no more accurate of a way to describe all of what happened today.

Man, was it a doozy of a day. I feel like I could write an entire blog dedicated to everything that happened today alone. All of the events. All of the emotions. All of the lessons. All of the growth. All of the love.

But for now I'll stick with one entry:

Maria, Gabi and Kerstin picked me up around 11 am to drive into Madrid to go to the Rastro (huge outdoor market) together. I was excited to see everyone after a wonderful day yesterday and couldn't wait for more pictures, giggles and adventures. It's amazing how one day you're sitting in your room all day watching Gossip Girl in your PJs eating oreos and drinking wine because you have nothing else to do and nobody to do anything with, and then one day you're waking up early and throwing on a cute outfit to rush out the door to hang out with new friends and go on an European adventure!

This. Is. Why. I. Travel. <3

Anyway, we made it to the Rastro just fine but quickly got separated - Maria with Gabi and Kerstin with me. Kerstin and I txted Maria on my phone (hers didn't work) and we agreed to meet up around 1:30 where we'd first gotten into the market. Kerstin and I had a good time strolling through the place, looking at leather purses (awesome), taking pictures of each other, buying something (I bought a CHELSEA soccer team scarf!!! OMG!!! I've wanted one for forever!! It's now hanging on the wall in my room!!!) and having a snack. By the time we were done we realized we were supposed to have been back five minutes ago and began our journey back to the meeting place. What would have normally been a three minute walk back was turned into a 15 minute gridlock of bodies moving at the pace of sedated cattle. There was no way around it, so we just kept going until we got to the meeting place at last.

Gabi was there and told us Maria had gone for a snack and walked us over to where she was. I didn't notice anything wrong, but Kerstin did and asked if Maria was mad at us. Maria immediately begin to say how we were supposed to wait for her to eat and how we'd arrived at our meeting spot a half hour late and didn't say anything and didn't answer any of her calls or txts and she had been waiting there hungry and nervous and was really upset. I wasn't expecting a reaction like this AT ALL. I hadn't heard my phone ring at all so I was confused what was going on. She was so angry and I was so taken aback that I didn't even know what to do.

Kerstin immediately started apologizing but also telling Maria that she felt she was being very harsh about it all and that we hadn't meant to do anything to upset her. Maria kept saying everything we'd done wrong and Kerstin kept apologizing but defending our intentions. Finally a few blocks and many words into this spat, Kerstin broke into tears. I was already completely freaked out by the sudden conflict and raw emotions and anger, but when Kerstin began to cry I didn't know what to do. All I could think was it was really all my fault (it'd turned out that my phone was - for unknown reasons - on silent mode and I hadn't checked it during our walk through the crowd, and merely assumed that Maria and Gabi were hanging out around the area we were to meet at and not at all bothered, or they'd have called or txted ... and, furthermore, I was the one who had been starving and jumped at Kerstin's suggestion to have a quick bite to eat).

And so I did the only thing I could think to do. After having remained silent the entire time, I suddenly blurted out that it was all my fault and I was so sorry and, without any warning, started running.

Yes, I ran away.

Literally.

I ran and I ran and I ran until I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to be far away from all of the emotional conflict that I had seemed to cause. I just wanted to not be in the middle of my two friends yelling and crying. I just wanted to be far far far away from it all. And so I ran.

In retrospect, it obviously makes very little sense. Why couldn't I have merely said, "Hey, girls, this was all a big misunderstanding and I feel really responsible for it. I should have checked my phone. I should have called to see what we were doing about food. I should have kept track of the time better. I'm so sorry and I feel awful. Let's go find a bar and decompress! It's on me!"!?

But Mature Chelsea was not present at that very moment and instead 'Lil Chelsea took over.

Ooops. Fuck. Wow.

I ran until I felt safe from it all and I called my roomie, panting and on the verge of tears myself. She calmed me down and said the whole thing sounded like everybody overreated and that things would be fine. She got me to giggle. She invited me out for drinks with the other roomies when I got home later. She was that friend every girl needs - the one who says, "Oh we all get a little crazy sometimes. Don't worry about it! You're still a BAMF!"

God, I love friends like that. <3

I txted everyone an apology for what had happened and for randomly bailing like a crazy and promptly turned my phone off. Sometimes I just need to tune out of life for an hour or two - and I'm not thinking this is a very Good thing, but it's definitely a key characteristic of Who I Am that will need to begin rennovations sometime fairly soon. :-/

And so I set to taking one step at a time: I tried to calm myself accordingly. I walked around the Rastro some more and bought myself much needed socks (teddy bear argyle socks omg). I then began one of my famous walking explorations of the city (this is when I find a metro station, then continue walking until I find another station, at which point I pull out my metro map and try to figure out which direction will lead me where and begin walking in that direction to see if my method will work or not - it's surprisingly seriously fun and yields a great number of awesome sights I would otherwise never see).

I continued this way for awhile, when J txted me back to my "I just went crazy" txt. She talked to me for awhile and was uncharacteristically judgmental about it all and made me feel awful (which I certainly deserved to feel, considering my behavior). She DID make up a great linguistic analogy for me, though: Love/friendship is like "ser" vs. "estar" - "estar" is the immediate cercumstances of something - maybe you piss someone off or do something stupid, etc. but "ser" is ever-present feeling of love and friendship that's always underneath it all and there, despite whatever is happening with the "estar" at any moment! The root of both words, of course, is "to be," which is completely dependent on yourself and that love/friendship can only be established by yourself and not by others. :) If you know anything about Spanish linguistics, you can't help but to find this to be one of the most adorable and charming analogies you've ever heard of!!

Anyway, despite the adorable analogy and her telling me that fights happen in friendships and rough parts make any friendship even stronger in the end, I couldn't get over the feeling that what I had done was extremely awful and spoke volumes about what a awful person I was and how immature and pathetic I was and would ruin my friendship with those girls for forever, and so I found a place to sit facing the sun and sat down and cried. My fingers were numb from txting in the cold and I was shaking. My nose was running and I wiped it on my jeans. I felt like the biggest failure; all I had wanted to do this weekend was hang out with these friends and have a wonderful time and make my friendships blossom... and now look what I'd done. I was beginning to feel like I'd come into the whole "having friends" thing too late and that I was doomed to never understand how to have friends and be a good friend myself.

As I was crying an old, old lady came up to where I was sitting and sat down right next to me in the sun. She could tell I was crying but didn't bring it up. I could tell she wanted to make me feel better. I tried to hide my sniffles. The first thing she did was ask if I knew anything about cell phones. I responded I did. She then asked if I might be able to set the correct time on her phone, with day light savings time having changed the hour, and all. I smiled and took her phone from her. It was the phone I'd had last summer in Spain. I changed the hour for her in no time and gave it back. She thanked me and asked me where I was from. When I told her the US, she started telling me about neighbors she had that traveled to the US and always brought her back postcards for Christmas and would visit her. It was a really cute story. :) "They're a couple. They live together next door to me. They're not married, you know. But they've been together 17 years! He says he won't get married until he's finished his Doctorate! Ha!" :)

I'm not sure if her generosity of spirit took me aback more, or if the fact I could understand every single word she was saying to me in slightly slurred Castillian Spanish took me aback more. Either way, she definitely cheered my little spirit. She handed me a picture of Jesus (or a Saint?) with a 2013 map on the back of it and said she was in charge of handing them out for her church - which is where she was going now, but it didn't open for another twenty minutes, and so she thought she'd just sit and enjoy the sunshine until then. :) We sat there in silence for awhile, and I wondered what she'd say if I tried to tell her I was afraid about life, about where I was going, about who I was becoming. But instead I remained silent and was grateful for her company. And then all at once she got up and said she should be going to church now.

"It made me very happy to meet you!" she said, with a kind smile, before walking off.

I continued to sit there for a moment and take in what had just happened. It was like a scene from "The Phantom Tollbooth" or from "The Little Prince." A random encounter with somebody seemingly wise and open and accepting. An encounter which I really needed in that moment and which came out of nowhere. And I was grateful. Very grateful. Moments of serendipity. :)

I shed a few more tears and continued on my way down to Starbucks on the Paseo de Prado. I waited in line for a small eternity and ordered an Apple Crumble Latte to warm up, J had told me to contact everyone and simple apologize, since I hadn't responded to anything since I'd turned off my phone two hours before, and so I did. When I heard nothing back for an hour I took it as a sign that I had permenently messed everything up in my moment of complete immaturity and began to truly feel awful.

I was walking to the train station to head back home when Gabi called. He asked where I was and asked if I would meet up with them all at Callao in an hour. I knew my answer had to be yes, and so I turned around and headed in the opposite direction, happy that there was a shot I hadn't blown my frirendships after all and nervous as hell of what I'd say when I met back up with them.

And so I txted a boy, because sometimes a girl just needs a Boy Who Knows Her Very Well to give her perspective. I txted, "You there?" Immediate response: "Yes." I txted one word: "Help." A minute later, his response: "K."

<3 I smiled, took a deep breath and closed my eyes, imagining that single letter wrapping itself around me, hugging me so tightly and closely that I had no choice but to realize everything would be okay.

I told him everything that had happened and he responded, "Yep, you do that sometimes. It's time to stop emotionally over reacting and to be Rational Chelsea. Tell them the truth of how you felt with a smile on your face. It'll be fine."

<3 Boy advice.

And so that's exactly what I did. Both the girls ran up and hugged me and we all apologized. <3 Maria said she'd just been worried about me. Kerstin said she didn't want me to feel like she was blaming me, because she truly wasn't. I said I was sorry for what had happened and for freaking out and running away when I became overwhelmed. We all agreed we needed a warm drink to rehydrate from all of the tears of the day and a slice of cake to feel better after a rough afternoon. :)

After our stop, we were all feeling a little better and embarked on the journey back home together. When we got to Maria's house, Kerstin hugged me and said she had had a wonderful time with me the past few days and would truly love it if I came to Berlin to visit her and to stay really closely in touch. :) We planned on trying to meet up tomorrow night (I said I'd make chocolate melting cakes for everyone!) before she left.

When I unlocked my apartment door, I could hear Katie saying, "That better he HER." When I opened the door, Abby exclaimed, "You have a lot of 'splaining to do, Missy!" I giggled. :) I told them all about the day and they all listened and giggled and commented. "What a dramatic day!" "All that and it started over relatively nothing!" "Well now we know in a 'Fight or Flight' situation Chelsea certainly chooses 'Flight!!'" It was wonderful to be able to come home and tell the three girls about it and for them to listen to me and make me giggle about it all. I love my roommates so much. <3

And so that was my day. My crazy, dramatic, awful and amazing day.

It's certainly not how I intended for it to go. I certainly did some crazy, emotionally hell-bent things I'm not proud of. But it totally showed me just how many people care about me, are patient with me and truly back me with unconditional love - even when I'm being a Nutty McNut Nut. <3

With buckets and buckets full of love and gratitude,
XOXO

Day 55: Segovia for the 25th Anniversary

*Though this entry doesn't contain many words, it contains lots of pictures, and that makes up for it. ;)*

My Spanish parents had invited me to their 25th Anniversary lunch party practically as soon as I arrived in Spain and made sure to remind me about it often. And so by the time the day rolled around, I was pretty excited for it! I picked out my outfit the night before. I woke up early to do my hair and makeup. I was totally ready!

I knew it was going to be a good day when a certain song came on the radio on our car ride to Segovia. I was drifting in and out of sleep when I thought I heard it. I wasn't sure - the volume was turned way down and I had only heard a word or two - but when I started really paying attention, I knew I had heard right.

Somehow, he'd done it again. "Tears in Heaven" was playing on the radio - on a hard rock channel no less!

The biggest smile spread across my face and I asked him how he'd done it this time. I joked with him that it wasn't quite as impressive as getting the man to play it in the park as he'd managed to do last summer. But, then, I hadn't actually been in any parks, nor had I heard anyone playing music out in public. This was really the only chance he'd had, and he took it!

Last time it'd happened the very day before L came into my life and changed the course of my entire existence for forever. When I'd heard that man in the park playing the song, the notes overtook every molicule of my  body and I could feel that he was sweaping me up and had devised a definite plan for that summer. That I just needed to listen and to trust him. And that's exactly what I did. And it was the best decision I made. But it was in that moment of that man playing his song for me that I realized what I had to do: have faith.

And so when I heard that song on the radio, I smiled, because I knew what he was up to again. And I knew that it'd been a long time since I threw my hands up in the air and told him I'd give him complete control over it all, because I had faith in him and I was beginning to feel lost on my own. Sometimes I try to control the outcome of every little thing rather than give it over to the universe and say, "Hey, I don't really know what to do with all of this, and I feel so overwhelmed, so entrust all of this to you."

Sometimes I like to think he has a big map of all of the possibilities - sort of like a grand "Choose Your Own Adventure" book - and when I give my faith and energy over to him, he gets to pick me up and place me on a journey with the most perfect people for me in that moment that will take me to places and on adventures I'd never dreamed possible but had always yearned for without even consciously knowing. Hearing the song reminded me that I need to take time each day to have a little talk with him and relinquish some of my control and entrust my soul's journey to him. Because he's concocted some of the grandest adventures I've ever been on.

It's amazing how you can have a giant tattoo of an Orange Soda bottle on yourself and still go months without seeing it or remembering why it's there!

Anyway, needless to say, the day turned out to be a hoot. Maria, her boyfriend (Gabi), Maria's friend from Berlin (Kerstin) and I all drove to Segovia and explored a little before and after the party. Kerstin and I hit it off and bonded over a mutual love of obsessively taking touristy photos and of randomly hopping into cute clothing stores without telling anybody. :) We had a great time talking, giggling and exploring!!

The party itself was adorable. There were 22 of us in total all gathered around one big table with bread and wine and a four course meal. :) I took tons of pictures of my cute little Spanish parents and felt like a genuine part of their family. They introduced me to all of the aunts and uncles and cousins and they all warmly kissed me on the cheek and were very nice to me. It felt amazing to be a part of something like that in a foreign country!! I seriously lucked out on getting such an amazing Spanish family and am so grateful to them for honestly being my second family. <3 I was really happy to celebrate with them and grateful for having been invited to something so special. :)

 Jet-set Cupcake Dulcinea makes her debut onto Jet-set Cupcake: Madrid at her first photoshoot in Segovia. :) JCD in front of the Segovia Cathedral!

 

JCD in front of Segovia's Alcazar!

 Cruz's mom made her the flower crown, the flower bouquet and made Jesus wear the wear ears hat. Haha. :)

 Cute!!! ^_^

 Cruz posing for the cameras. :)

 The pair reading one of the cards their family gave them. :)

 Family picture!! ^_^
Gabi (Maria's bf), Jesus, Cruz, Me, Maria, Kerstin, Jorge, Nieves (Jorge's gf)

 Horse and knight shinning armor!! :)

 Beautiful view from the Alcazar. :)

 Kerstin and me near the drawbridge of the Alcazar. :)

 Kerstin, me and Maria sitting with the Cathedral in the background!

Kerstin and me in front of Segovia's Aquaduct.

XOXO

Day 53-54: Self-confidence and Self-identity

Skyping with Woody last night and comparing notes on our job was really nice. It's funny to think how we met seven years ago and now we have the same exact job, albeit in two different countries. He was telling me how he's having a bit of an identity crisis. He knows he's not a kid anymore, but he doesn't feel like an adult at all. And I knew EXACTLY what he was talking about.

I'm realizing that this is the very first time in my life that I have ever been in a position of authority or leadership. Ever. I was born an Aries and always figured I was meant to be anything but a follower, but up until now I've never really had a chance to try it on for size. And let me just say, it's both exactly what I expected it would be like all while being nothing like I thought it'd be like.

When I think "leader" or "authority figure," I think someone clever and confident. I'm clever. I'm confident. But the thing is, I'm clever and confident when I'm alone in my sweats writing on my computer and listening to music. I'm clever and confident out on the dance floor with one other partner leading my every move. I'm clever and confident wandering the streets of a foreign city by myself or with a close friend.

Put me around more than a few people and I'm quiet and unsure. I'm either judging them or myself. I'm not sure how to insert my comments, I'm not sure how to act, I'm not sure who I should be. And whenever I try to say something, however I try to act, whoever I try to be - it never feels right.

So stick me in front of a room of 20 kids with a teacher sitting next to me at their desk waiting for me and suddenly I'm not entirely sure who I am in that moment. Sure, as the weeks have worn on, I've begun to gain a better understanding of the process; they kids adore me, the teachers are very sweet to me and each class can't wait for their turn with me every week.

I'm a great speaker - no matter the size of the audience - but this is a little different than just speaking. I have to get their attention. I have to keep their attention. I have to deal with behavior issues. I have to lead the class (and lead them in whatever direction I choose!). I am in charge of everyone. Full liberty to do what I please, teach what I please and manage the classroom as I please. But just like how I prefer to speak for a larger audience rather than a small one, I'm realizing the more kids, the easier the classroom is to control. My one-on-one lessons are the hardest for me to establish any authority whatsoever.

I look around at the teachers around me. I think about the teachers I've had. Almost all of them have this air of confidence that just radiates out of them. The great ones. The shitty ones. All of them. They just have this surpreme air of authority. Of "I know what I'm doing, damnit." And boy do I certainly not have that.

Sure, this week I began to establish it with the class that was really beginning to piss me off. It sure wasn't hard. Enough was enough and I was pretty done with it. I've never had a problem speaking up for myself when I feel it's warrented. But the classroom with boys throwing paper planes. The classroom where everyone starts giggling to each other rather than do their work. The classroom where someone has to go to the bathroom every five minutes just to get out of class. The classroom where everyone talks to each other instead of pay attention. Those are the classrooms where I rather just start playing on my phone in the corner than even attempt to reign them in. I just don't have that confident presence that says, "HEY. I'm AWESOME. And I KNOW what I'm DOING. Your attention is ALL MINE."

This confidence thing isn't just something I've been noticing in the classroom --  yeah, yeah, I'm a new teacher... it's normal... I don't know what I'm doing, so why would I radiate copious amounts of confidence, etc. -- but something that is being made very clear to me by comparing myself to the Spaniards around me.

Yes, this IS exactly WHY I travel. Perspective. I iz gaining a new one. People here just walk around like they are the shit at all points in the day. They are always dressed impressed. They always have that harsh tone in daily interactions that says, "I know what I'm talking about and you can eff yourself if you even begin to think otherwise." A lot of people seem to take this self-confidence to an extreme where it becomes unattractive, but others just seem genuinely confident and comfortable in their own skin no matter where they are. It's like it would never occur to them that they aren't accepted for who they are. Ever. And it's like people here really do just accept everyone for who they are - or, at least, to an outsider it seems that way. And if they don't, it's not a big deal.

I, on the other hand, am constantly preoccupied by my every move. "Oh I bet they're judging how awful my ponytail looks today." "Oh I bet I'm bothering my roommates with my random questions." "Oh I think I smell funny and everyone around me probably thinks I'm totally gross." (EFF Spanish deoderant. EFF it.) "Oh I bet people think my outfit is weird." "Oh I'm not getting anybody's attention; the teacher probably thinks I'm a joke." "Oh I don't really socialize during lunch because I don't have anything to say. Everyone probably thinks I'm an awkward outcast." "Oh I forgot to say 'bye' when I walked out of the room. Everyone probably thinks I'm rude." "Oh I'm on the computer again 'cause I have two hours before I have a class to teach. People probably think I'm not taking my job seriously." "Oh I haven't heard from anybody from America today. Everyone's probably forgotten about me."

This is how my day goes. All day. Every day.

And then I wonder why I don't feel like a super confident BAMF.

And the thing is, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is how I've lived my life since I was practically 10 years old. I've always thought I was pretty self-confident, because when I'm alone I am. Up to this point I can honestly say I've followed every dream I've had until I either reached it or realized it wasn't what I truly wanted. I've loved the people closest to me with all my heart and felt so loved in return. I've traveled. I've done wonderfully academically. I've written a ton. I've painted. I've learned to dance and adore it. I've created.

But all those things were me with myself.

My self-confidence when thrown in a pot with other people and stripped of my sweatpants and colorful gel pens and cupcakes lined up next to my computer to fuel me... it's small and unsure. When all my personal armor is stripped away, I'm not so sure what's left.

I'm not sure how to be myself when I'm not by myself.

XOXO

Day 52: Struggle Bus Guide to Auditory Comprehension in a Foreign Language

For those of you who have ever thought about traveling abroad and using a foreign language you have been studying, I have written this - after 50 days of research - to help prepare you for the phases of foreign language acquisition of auditory comprehension. You are most welcome.


Step 1: Arrival

Upon arriving in the country of your foreign language, you will feel very over-confident. You will hear things in the FoLa everywhere all of a sudden and you will find this extremely enchanting. You are not understanding every word by any means, but you are just so taken by the novelty of it all that you feel like you can take on the world, one verb conjugation (and a good, pocket-sized dictionary) at a time!

Step 2: All Aboard the Struggle Bus!

A few days into your journey, you will start to have the horrible and terrifying realization that you are nowhere near as linguistically prepared for this journey than you previously thought you were. You wonder where all of the information from all of those many years, workbook excersizes, cheesy diologues, half-done homework, etc. has gone and why things are so difficult. Your brain (and pride) refuse to accept the fact that you are incapable of understanding a basic exchange between two people sitting next to you on the bus, and so your brain strains to understand. You will LITERALLY get a headache from your poor little noggin trying so desperately hard to understand even the most basic of exchanges between natives. And the worst part is, the language is EVERYWHERE, so your brain never has a moment to regroup - thus the headache becomes a perpectual pain in your head for many days.

Step 3: Struggle Bus'n

This is the stage where your headaches have finally subsided, but your ego is severely bruised. By now you have accepted that you are most likely going to be understanding a word or two per sentence, but will be utterly unable to string them together to form any coherent meanings. There is no other choice than to accept that you cannot understand and move forward. It's the great moment where you realize just how much you still don't know about something you may have been studying for over a decade and have received your B.A. in from a good university. You may begin to question why you have so many student loans if you can't even understand near enough to be able to evesdrop on the couple behind you in the grocery store line. Defeat, embarrassment, anger and hopelessness are prevalent feelings during this stage.

Step 4: Ignorance is Bliss

At this point in the process, you have learned to completely tune out any verbal utterances that aren't in your native language. This is actually quite an impressive feat and takes awhile to master. Suddenly you can travel on the metro without having your ears bombarded with harsh and foreign sounds they can't find any meaning in. The fun part of this stage is when you hear somebody speaking your native language while in a crowd of FoLa speakers. Without even knowing what you're doing, you will instantly be able to hear and comprehend the most random of statements from far distances away (and even despite any foreign accent) when uttered in your native language. It's like super sonic hearing. It can get pretty fun if you are around random enough conversations!

Step 5: Pulling the Chord on the Struggle Bus

One day you'll be minding your own business when you begin to think about something from the last conversation you had with a native and it hits you: You can't remember if that conversation was in your native language or your FoLa! You think and think and think, but no matter how much you try to think back to it, you can't make out any words; you can only remember the overall meaning and outcome. This will start to happen with conversations you had hours ago or even minutes ago. At first this feels almost a little concerning, but as it happens more and more, you start to feel like a pretty serious BAMF and begin automatically code-switching (when you respond in the language that is being spoken to you without realizing it) and occasionally (and increasingly) messing up your native language and inserting grammar from the FoLa into your own language and you even begin forgetting common words in your native tongue.

Step 6: Exiting the Struggle Bus

And then, out of the blue, it'll happen. You'll be minding your own business - playing on your phone, reading a book or a map, day dreaming, focused on WHATEVER - and you'll start to evesdrop on a conversation in your FoLa without even meaning to. And you'll only begin to realize you're evesdropping when you start to giggle at something funny that's being talked about by natives in that FoLa. You'll start giggling or thinking about the conversation or listening for more details BEFORE you ever realize that suddenly... out of NOWHERE... without even TRYING (or paying attention!)... You. Just. Understood. Natives. Conversing. In. Your. Foreign. Language. The first time this epiphany hits you, it's going to be a big deal. You're going to take a bus into Madrid and buy yourself cupcakes to celebrate. You're going to do a little jig on the street when you think nobody is looking. You're going to smile real big and tell yourself how wonderful you are. It will be glorious.

Step 7: Waving 'Bye bye' to the Struggle Bus

Of course, it'll still be a gradual process towards the perfecting of your Auditory Comprehension in your FoLa. You won't wake up one day and understand every single word and phrase. But you will notice yourself hearing certain words and phrases being repeated often and you'll either look them up or begin to understand their meaning in context. There will still be conversations where you have little idea what's going on, but these moments will not bother you as much, because you will have more and more moments where you're understanding things perfectly without even focusing your attention on the FoLa at all. Heck, the other day I was playing Angry Birds on my Smartphone, day dreaming about Christmas Break and singing a song in my head and I still was able to understand 75% of the gossip going on around me without even trying. This step is the ultimate moment of happiness in your Auditory Comprehension part of your experience abroad. Of course, the epiphany that you're suddenly understanding meaningless conversations going on around you does not last too long, and eventually you'll become so accustomed to just understanding everything that you won't be able to remember those headache days of feeling lost and dumb, but the glory will always be there when you stop and think how far you've come since the day your plane landed in that new country you're beginning to call home. :)

XOXO**

** This blog has been brought to you by my newest Spanish word friend: "Prender"
--> Prender: v. To light on fire. <--
So. Totally. Awesome.
Not to be confused with "Aprender," which means "To learn." Haha!
I also recently learned that "to inhabit" is "habitar" in Spanish, and "to not inhabit" is "inhabitar" in Spanish. Whoa. o_O

Day 51: Chelsea the Hardass Teacher

Today, for relatively the first time, I took matters into my own hands and gave out a huge dose of "classroom management" tough-love.

It was thrilling and petrifying (okay, but mostly thrilling). Honestly, I had no idea I had it in me until the stern words were coming out of my mouth. Nobody really prepares a girl for the fact that teaching is 95% impromptu decision making. Maybe it's not supposed to be (if your class plans are really great for that particular day and/or you have some serious experience under your belt), but so far as I've seen, it totally seems to be that way when it comes to classroom management.

Here's what happened: There's this one 6th grade class that is always talking over each other and shouting and being ridiculous and giggling and taking nothing seriously. It's my class with the teacher who I really enjoy but who's always screaming at her kids. At least when I'm in the room, it never really works out and everybody gets even wilder and more zoo-animal-like. Today she informed the class that their product idea for their Junior Acheivement (make-your-own-business) project was, to be blunt, horrible. They wanted to make balloon animals. Like, seriously? It's hard to have to lead these six classes where all the kids are so uncreative and can only come up with ideas like cookies, cakes, lemonade, balloon animals (!?!?!?), etc. If this were my project, I'd be all over Pinterest on the DIY tab. It'd get crazy into it. I'd be making rugs, I'd be making customized earbuds, I'd be making scarves. I'd go all out! I would love this shit! But no, these kids can only think of LEMONADE. It's the first side-effect I'm seeing of this younger generation with their easy access to video games, iPads, computers, etc. They have NO IMAGINATION. AT ALL. >_< UGH!!!

Anyway, after they were informed that their idea basically SUCKED, they were told to brainstorm new ideas. All at once they began to shout out more awful ideas. The whole class started trying to scream over each other. Nobody was speaking English. It was a disaster. I tried to wait for them to shut the eff up, but they wouldn't stop. I proceeded to yell over them to inform them that any idea I heard would not be written on the board and would become void from the project ideas list. This actually got them to be quiet. THANK GOODNESS.

A few minutes later when I asked to hear their (still awful) ideas, I got three or four real ones before people started coming up to the board saying they needed to draw their object to explain it in English, but then started drawing things like Indian snake whisperers (or whatever that is - where a guy plays a flute and the snake dances) or saying they should be statues and have people give them money for standing still or singing to them. These ideas just got worse and worse and more and more ridiculous and off topic (the point is the product must be a HANDMADE THING - not entertainment... not that their ideas were even entertaining...). I gave up and let them all continue like this to see how long they could possibly continue wasting their own time. Only one girl (my obvious fave of the class) kept raising her hand, asking me what the final decision would be and how we could proceed. The rest? Wild beasts. And so I waited. I waited roughly 35 minutes before there was a moment of silence in the class and they were all finally looking at me. And then it happened:

"Oh. Well that's nice. It only took you all 35 minutes to stop talking. It only took you 35 minutes to realize I was waiting for your attention. It only took you 35 minutes to look over at your teacher. You just wasted my time, your own time, and especially the time of your fellow student right here who has been asking the whole time how to move forward with the project. Your disrespect is overwhelming. I don't appreciate your lack of respect for me one bit."

They all stared at me, some jaws dropped slightly, and were completely silent.

"Get out your notebooks. It's time for a dictation."

Instantly they began complaining. "Can't you give us another chance!?" "We'll be better!" etc.

"Thirty five minutes wasn't a long enough chance for you?"

Again, the stared at me and were completely silent.

"Yeah, that's what I thought, too. I'm about ready to never return to this class, to make sure you never do this project and to let you continue with your  book activities instead. That's how disrespected I feel. So no, you do not get another chance. You had thirty five minutes and all you did was waste your time and mine."

Silence (and might I say, this is the longest I have EVER seen this class silent or paying attention).

"From now on, I expect two things of you: to speak in English and to have only one person talking at a time, who may only speak after raising their hand and being called on. Are these two expectations fair to you?"

A unaimous "Yes" was uttered meekly from each student.

"Are you sure? I'm open to suggestions."

"Yes."

"Okay. Open your notebooks for a dictation."

They wanted to whine, but they'd realized it might not be worth it this time to even try. I proceeded to have them write the following in their notebooks, "From this day on, I will speak English in this class and I will only speak when it is my turn to talk. I realize there will be no more project if I do not do these things. I am responsible for my own actions and I believe this is fair."

I had them read their dictation after I said it and had them sign it. I then asked what two things were to be expected from them in the next class and the classes afterwards and each person said them. I told them we would be reading this page of their notebooks every day at the beginning of class to remind them of the class expectations until they could remember it on their own.

Whoa.

It was a way weird thing for me to do, but one of those things where it's been bubbling and I've been waiting for a teacher to be totally immersed in their own world of correcting so I can catch them off guard to and just let lose. ;) The next part will be sticking to this new order, but we'll see how that goes as it happens. I'm learning very quickly now that classroom management (my online course for the month) has a currency, and that currency is figuring out what the hell the kids want and then threatening to either take it away if they're bad or give them it if they're good. I don't remember my teachers ever being like that. Maybe it's 'cause my classes never seemed to have misbehaving kids because they were advanced enough to not have that problem. Or maybe I was too young when it happened to remember it. Or, more likely, it's something that's only a tool for newbie teachers. Whatever the reason, the truth is that it seems to be working for those who are little poop heads and I want to bop on the nose until they stop being such turds.

The rest of the day seemed like cake from that point on. My 4th graders had taken me seriously when I told them I'd give them a surprise if they could memorize Eenie Meenie Miney Moe. As soon as I walked in the room they all sang it in unison and were SO proud of themselves, it was adorable. I ran back to the teacher's office and gave them each a shiny Target sticker. I wasn't sure they'd like the "surprise" but they all gasped and could hardly contain their excitement! Cute! :) My 1st graders were pleased as punch to draw Halloween words and color a picture. My tutoring session after school was a hoot and the little boy is so adorable and smart. He knows Chelsea time is only in English and when he accidentally says something in Spanish I say, "What?" (partly 'cause I actually don't understand what he's saying) and he throws his hands over his eyes and says, "Oh! >_<" and then finds the right words in English or asks. So. Adorable. We made his mom glitter glue art and played with smurfs and stuffed animals. Awesome. Pretty sure I have as much fun as he does. HAHA.

The rest of my night was Cupcake Madrid, PaPizza and Tango Tuesday. :)

XOXO

Day 50: Monday

What can I say? It was a Monday! School. Tutoring (the brother had a dentist appointment, so I got the 5 year old for a whole 90 minutes! >_< Thank GOODNESS I'd brought Halloween activities with me!). Missing the bus so deciding it would be better to just try walking home rather than waiting an extra 15 minutes for it to arrive, and then going on the 30 minute bus ride. As it turned out, it took less than 45 minutes to walk home from the other side of town, and it was a nice, refreshing walk, too! :)

My night was consumed in birthday Skype conversations and I absolutely loved it! ^_^

XOXO

Day 48 - 49: Roomie Weekend

After sleeping in nice and late, Abby, Katie, Kaitlin and I all ventured into Madrid to meet up with Zac. First stop? Aguacate Grill: Madrid's answer to Chipotle withdrawls! No, it wasn't near as good, but they did have burritos and sour cream. :) After our lunch we went on a shopping expedition up Sol to Gran Via. I got my zebra sweater and boot legwarmers. Abby got a really cute sweater and some shirts from Zara. Katie got a sweater dress. All in all, it was a serious success! :)

After shopping, it was time for a drink... and for the first time in awhile, a caipirinha turned into a shot, and a shot turned into trying absinthe for the first time (turns out they give you the shot, light it on fire, put a glass over the shot to snuff out the flame, which creates smoke, and then you sniff the smoke and drink the shot with a straw at the same time... sooo strange). That turned into a train ride home, drinks at home, and then Abby and I decided to go out clubbing until 4 in the morning! Very unlike me. But very fun. ;)

I definitely paid for it the next day, but I slept in as late as I could and then was woken up by a roomie potluck! Katie made French Onion Soup, Abby made Broccoli Grape Salad with a Strawberry Vinagrette and Katilin made Homemade Mac and Cheese!! The meal was delicious and just what I needed. :) I still spent the rest of the day in bed watching TV on my computer, but having roomies making me food and keeping me company made me feel very fortunate. :)

XOXO

Day 47: Roomie Date

I only had one class to teach today, which was just lovely. Sure, it takes 30 minutes to get to school by school bus, and 40 minutes to walk back to a public bus stop and another 20 minutes to take the bus back home, but just because transportation time added up to more time than I was actually teaching didn't make me any less happy to be home and in my sweats by noon! ^_^ I did all of the pesky things on my to do list that I'd been putting off since I got here and put something important in the mail. Overall, quite the productive day!

At night, Roomies and I went to the little book fair in Cervantes Plaza and then took a train over to a movie theater and watched Woody Allen's newest movie, "To Rome With Love." Abby loved it. Katie thought it was really weird. I sided with Katie on this one. It was about four different couples and none of them had anything to do with each other. All of the men of the relationships were just batty and overall not much happened throughout the movie. Woody Allen is definitely a win or lose kind of movie maker with me!

After the movie we tried to take the train back (and we crossed the tracks!! As silly as this is - it's a life long bucket list dream to cross train tracks 'cause it's just so illegal and made me feel like such a BAMF, despite the fact the trains had obviously stopped service for the night - lol), but no luck, so we waited for the bus while dining on a feast at Burger King. HA.

Friday Night Roomie Bonding was a success. I couldn't help but think the whole night how I've never had a group of friends like this. There are three of us and we're all friends with each other, live together and hang out together. Someday I have to get over this feeling of "Wow! I have friends! And they sorta like me! I'm so excited! And so nervous!" I feel like a small kid being invited to the popular kids table. Which is rather ridiculous. I hope that by the end of this year I will feel like I can just be friends with people and fit into a friend group without wondering if they REALLY like me or what they REALLY think of me or if I REALLY belong. Anyway, I'm really happy to have actual friends for the first time in a little while that I made all on my own. :)

XOXO

Day 46: Happy.

After school I went straight to my Spanish family' house to pick up my delivery note. My madre drove me to the post office where I picked up my camera (YAY!!!) and then we went to the mall on an impromptu shopping trip. ;) I was trying a jacket on at the mall and looking in the mirror when I saw a flash of who I'm becoming. And and I'm still smiling because of it.

See, when I was younger, all I wanted to be was a Ralph Lauren model. Okay, first I wanted to be a Guess? model, but I realized I wasn't really that contrast/vintage looking, so I decided Ralph Lauren had that equestrian class that my lightish brown hair could pull off a lot better. :) I would look at ads and cut them out and just gaze at those young women on the pages. They looked confident, but not in a harsh way. They looked happy and comfortable, like they weren't trying to impress anyone with grandiose poses or makeup. They looked classy and educated and tenacious.

The classic Ralph Lauren look I've always held in my mind is a pair of riding boots, tight black pants or jeans and a blazer/jacket that is browns, creams and greens with a pattern the combo of houndstooth meets plaid. I'd never thought I could wear a jacket like that and pull it off. It never occurred to me to even try one on. So when I saw one hanging in Sfera, it took me a good few minutes to realize I could try something like that on now that I was 23, living abroad in Europe and wearing an adorable pair of leather riding boots. I took a deep breath and put the jacket on. It didn't fit perfectly, but when I turned around and saw what I looked like in it from the back, with my hair pulled back into a ponytail, the dark blonde peaking out of the dark brown, matching the jacket's colors perfectly, I was in shock. I looked exactly like the girl I'd always dreamed of becoming - that classic, equestrian chic look. That quietly confident and educated look. That young and successful European look.

It may be a slow process, but I'm getting there, and I'm so excited about it! :)

Day 45: Blog Makeover!

That's right! I did it. I totally redesigned my blog!! ^_^

You see, I was browsing through Pinterest on my four hour break while at school and came upon this amazing site called Shabbyblogs.com

Oh. My. Goodness.

It's completely amazing and adorable. I honestly just spent two and a half hours re-formatting and redesigning my whole look and feel of my blog and I love it! I'm happy to be back to the old-fashioned way of displaying the posts instead of making you click on the preview of the day's blog. The other format could have been cool if I kept up-to-date with my photos, but I haven't... so back to the old way of doing things!

Speaking of photos... my camera AND my necklace arrived, but I still have to go pick them up from their respective mail-holding places that demand signatures and money to complete the customs requirements. I'll have my camera back by tomorrow night (YAY!!) and hopefully my necklace by the weekend (YAY!!). ^_^

Besides redesigning my blog, nothing really very exciting happened today. At all. Talked to my kitty friends who lounge around the spot I hang out at between school and my private lessons. I love kitties! And that was about the highlight of my Wednesday. Haha. Oh man.

I would try to write more, but I've spent so long already on my little blog that it's time for me to go to sleeeeep!! More interesting news tomorrow - promise.

XOXO

Day 44: Tango Tuesday Part III

I love Tango Tuesdays!

School was fine (I forgot to mention yesterday how one of the teachers told me the kids really seemed to love me, because I was outgoing and fun... not like the guy they had last year... I'll take that compliment, thank you!), but my after school lesson was awesome! For some reason he started to open up to me and we played a game where we took turns launching stuffed animals across the room to score goals, but by the end of the hour I got him saying the name of the animal and what it was wearing and its color, etc. He even was giving me commands like "sit down on the floor!" and "throw the animal!" and at one point used the simple past out of nowhere. We were giggling the whole time and he actually didn't want me to leave today (for the first time ever in my sort tutoring career - lol). His mom asked how things were going and I said surprisingly well. She said she could hear us giggling and knew it was a good sign. :) Yay!

After that I was FREE! A train ride later and I was eating my delicious PaPizza slice of caprese with a can of orange Fanta. YUMMY!! ^_^ I strolled down Fuencarral and Gran Via and bought a really adorable skirt from my favorite store, Bershka. My European wardrobe is coming together - yay!! ^_^

Tango class was really great because I got there early and finally got paired with the real students in the class. All of the ask me, hushed, "Where are you from!?" It's a little embarrassing or something (the word I'm really going for I can only think of in Spanish, which is "verguenza" which is like embarrassed, but more like shy than shameful)...! Everyone is very nice and we learned another really cool step today. :) Awesome! Afterwards the teacher asked me how it was going and said I could maybe come to a Sunday lesson for free to catch up on what I missed the first week, being secluded in the corner and only dancing with the awful guy - lol.

XOXO

Day 43: Gorgeous Boots

I've been talking a lot about how I want to begin to transform who I am into who I next want to be. Tonight, after a long day of school, a tutoring session, the bus not coming for almost 45 minutes and right before I had to go meet my conversation buddy for tapas, I did it: I bought the most beautiful pair of black leather boots I've ever seen.

For the past month I have been looking everywhere for perfect black boots. Every time I walked by any store that seemed to sell shoes I peeked inside for a glimpse of the perfect pair of black boots for me. It wasn't until this weekend, while avoiding the crowds at the Medieval Market, that I finally saw them waiting for me in the window like a pair of super chic puppy dogs!! ;)

I brought  both my roommates to visit them and tell me if they were gorgeous like I thought they were, and of course they told me they were. And so tonight I jumped off the bus and made a beeline to the leather shoe shop! The man inside was very sweet and the exact pair of boots and size I needed (in Europe, I wear a 38 - how strange sounding) were sitting right there next to the chair you use to try shoes on.

When I put them on my feet they fit like a glove. They hugged my feet like they'd known each other for years and were close friends. The man told me that, being leather, they would stretch to my feet just a little and to not worry if they felt a bit snug.

I skipped the whole way home with my big bag with my big box with my big black leather boots inside and sand a little jig to myself about my big purchase! The boots are just so chic and look like authentic European riding boots. They are leather and suede and there is an intricate design embossed in the suede that I absolutely love. I've never considered dropping a little cash on shoes (except, okay, for Uggs), but these boots will instantly make any outfit I put on look classy. So. Excited!

XOXO

Day 42: Patience & Moxie

It's the Sunday of my three day weekend. If you expected that meant that I would  be out doing something exciting, you're nuts; I woke up late and have been in my sweats all day eating pizza and Oreos and drinking shandy, in front of my computer watching TV, surfing Pinterest and discovering the amazingness that is Spotify.

Happily, I'm all caught up on Gossip Girl, which means I can't hide under the covers and pretend like I'm living in their world with the adorable outfits and close knit friends. Nope, now it's time that I start figuring out how to create that world for myself.

Which leaves me with so many thoughts that I don't even know how to sort them all out.

Pinterest Quote of the Day: Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.

I remember being under those lights with the music blaring and feeling like everyone was staring at me and ignoring me at the same time and all I wanted was to be in Spain. That's it. I would say to myself, "It'll be here soon. You just have to wait a little longer. I'll get you there. Don't worry."

I knew this would happen and I wrote me a letter while I was in our apartment in Portland as I sat on my bed waiting at 3 am. I wrote myself a letter telling myself to be brave and to not look back. That I had proved what I needed to and it was everyone else's turn once I boarded that plane. But it still stings.

Every few posts I say I'm going to change my perspective. I'm going to have some sort of break through. My mom told me I sounded bi-polar. My roomies rushed to assure me I wasn't. But the truth is, I'm not quite ready yet. It's not last summer - I don't have only 88 days to have the best time of my life. This is a longer process. A more permanent change in the end. I have to go into it with the right mindset, and boy am I trying, but I'm still in that edge of the future stage.

Today I made a new board on Pinterest and posted almost 100 pictures of who I want to become this year. What that girl looks like. She's confident. She doesn't sit around waiting for people to show any signs of caring. She's moving forward, working towards something that truly puts a twinkle in her eye. It's that radiating self-love from the inside look and feeling. That's what I want to acheive this year.

And I know that's not easy.

It's not something I can write a blog post for and suddenly find it inside of myself. This is definitely one of those process goals - with ups and downs - and one of those goals where there's not a definite conclusion to it. I'm not trying to gain anyone's love and recognition other than my own this time. I don't know how I'll know when I've succeeded, but I have a feeling I'll know when I get there.

So after three days of roomie bonding and sleeping in and writing and relaxing, I'm ready to get started. My steps towards acheiving this goal go something like this:

1) Bring the Gratitude Journal back. This was one of those things that, when I hit rock bottom in high school, really brought me back. Instead of focusing on the two things I don't have, I need to start focusing on all the things I'm surrounded by and taking for granted. Like that quote said, this was all I wanted for a long time. It's time to make it as wonderful as I had day dreamed it would be for all that time.

2) Start dressing the part. By Wednesday of each week I'm wearing t-shirts, jeans and Uggs. I'm not in America anymore, and I need to start dressing the part if I want to start feeling the part of a cute, confident European girl. Abby and I researched the keys to the European 20-something style and have it mostly figured out. Time to start achieving the look, one step at a time. I mean, you only really need five outfits in a week! ;)

3) Listen to music more. Now that Abby has shown me the wonder of Spotify, I intend to get on this. Just a single song can raise a person's mood to a whole new level. I need music that will keep me focused on my goal and stop listening to the comforting sounds of the angsty trip-hop songs. Trip-hop: Wonderful. Only listening to the songs about love and sadness: Counter-productive.

Let's start with these three this week and see where we go. No more big, "This is going to solve everything tomorrow!" moments. Just realistic small steps towards my bigger goal.

I have a good image in my head of who I next want to be and it's time to embark on the journey to becoming that girl. I know I'm in the perfect place *Europe!?)to do it, surrounded by some really supportive and awesome roomies and a nurturing work environment... I know I feel really lost and alone sometimes, but I'm starting to see the wisdom in the choices I've made up to this point. I knew all along this goal was going to be a considerable amount more difficult than I've been used to - but I also knew (and know) that this is one of those self-defining shifts in my identity that will open up an entire new world I couldn't even dream of.

I'm so grateful to have had this three day weekend with my roomie to just relax and be. I'm also so grateful that there are only two and a half weeks until our next break (four day weekend!?!). ;) Let's see where I can get in these next two and a half weeks. Step one is giving myself the gift of patience. This is the first time in my life that I'm working autonomously for something that involves nobody but myself. I acknowledge that - or I'll learn to. ;) I think that's kinda half the point of all of this!

And so, before I have to totally release my amazing angsty trip-hop (let's face it, I'm never relinquishing it, it gives me that serene moment of just letting everything fall apart and see the beauty of it and be okay with it for even just three minutes), I present my new favorite song of the day by the band Blue Tofu. It's just so appropriate I can't stop listening; it truly does feel like a battle between doing for me, doing for them and doing for you... and after all this time, I can no longer accept not being loved for what I do. I caught myself feeling guilty as I looked at pictures of far off places - and that was an eye-opener. It's one thing feeling lonely, but it's another not feeling loved for who I am and want to become. I wish I had Moxie for just fifteen minutes to drive her around and play this song and cry and talk to her and feel rejuvinated and ready. But I'll have to remind myself what Moxie means: the ability to face difficulty with spirit and courage. I didn't name my car that for nothing - I knew I'd need reminders sometimes. ;) <3

I feel like a sculpture
No hands, no legs
I reach out,
but I cannot touch you
Doubt creeps in my mind
I question what I am here for
All I can do is...
What would I do?
Open some other door?

I have a hard time accepting
That I will not be loved for what I do
It's a battle between doing for me,
doing for them,
doing for you

I try not to be mean
I know I am anyway
My good intentions
Remain to be seen
But they will not be seen today

I have no perfect equation
I neglect people like you neglect plants
I did not mean for this to be the outcome
We don't stick to plans

I have a hard time accepting
That I will not be loved for what I do
It's a battle between doing for me
doing for them
doing for you

XOXO

Day 41: I Won't Forfeit my Creativity

I've always adored this song. I've always been able to identify with it better than almost any other song I've ever heard. But I'm thinking about making it my theme song for this adventure. I need something like this right now, and I think it's perfect:

i will not stand immersed,
in this ultra violent curse
i won't let you make a tool of me
i will keep my mind and body free
bye bye minutiae
of the day to day drama,
i'm expanding exponentially,
i am consciousness without identity

i am many things,
made of everything,
but i will not be your bank roll
i won't idle in your drive-thru,
i won't watch your electric sideshow
i got way
better places to go

i will maintain the truth
i knew naturally as a child
i won't forfeit my creativity,
to a world that's all laid out for me
i will look at everything around me
and i will vow to bear in mind
that all of this was just someone's idea
it could just as well be mine  There's a letter I've been meaning to write. It's a letter that I've needed to be very centered to write. It's a letter that will be the first of its kind. At first I thought I was nuts wanting to write such a letter, but I'm starting to see the wisdom in it. I'm starting to see the maturity in it. I'm starting to realize it may just be one of the better ideas I've had in awhile.When I wrote my favorite teachers a year or two ago a thank you/Christmas card, I was amazed at the responses I got back. But now that I'm a teacher, I'm starting to see exactly why they were so happy to receive my letters. Gratitude is not something that's freely given in this day and age, and when you take the time to sincerely thank somebody who has honestly made a huge impact on your life - well, image the impact. All too often people go through life thinking that they don't matter, that they've made no impact, that their existence has been for naught. But I think about specific things people did for me as I've grown into who I am fairly often, and think about how had they not been there for me in specific moments how I would have grown into an entirely different person - how I wouldn't be where I am and who I am. And I wonder if they know it. I assume they don't. Why would they? They past few weeks I have been finding myself in a position where I feel like that - feel like I haven't impacted anyone (at least not for the better) and like I continue to have to positive impact. And it makes me cry. And it makes me depressed. Because I have good intentions - and I truly want to make a difference - to the kids I teach, to my friends, to the people I love the most - but I never know if I'm succeeding. And so I have a letter to write - a letter that's long over-due. I don't know how it will be received. But I can't think about that. I need to write it for myself and if I write it with all of the positive intentions I have hidden inside of me, maybe it will spread a little joy like I hope it will. I can't imagine someone I cared about writing me a "Thank you" letter to express gratitude towards me and giving me credit for where they've ended up and who they are. I can't imagine having that much sway in someone's life and I can't imagine anyone thinking about me enough to sit down and really write something that would change my perspective on life and myself. It's a daring thing to do, and it is taking a lot of bravery, but I think tonight or tomorrow I will sit down and I will do it. And I will reread it as many times as it takes to make certain it is exactly what I mean. Woody told me yesterday that he had his class write the president a thank you letter. At first I was upset with him over it. Why would you write that man a thank you letter? I told him he shouldn't have his class liberally-biased. But he made a good point. He said it was time to have a generation that saw politics as a, "We love America and want our country to be the best. We realize everyone is trying to do that, but it is up to us who we believe can best make our country amazing." I listened to enough Rush Limbaugh on the way to work every morning and have enough politically charged messages in my inbox from my mom to say that I don't think the left has an agenda to consciously destroy our nation and make it the next Orwellian novel, however I can appreciate Woody's point. Last Saturday night I had a conversation with two of my roomies about politics. I chose to not come at it from a Republican "I know all" perspective, but rather from a, "I'm curious as to your opinions and will attempt to be as neutral and curious as possible" perspective. And boy did I learn a lot. Telling somebody that they're wrong and your right will not get anyone anywhere - even if they are right and you're wrong! Talking over the debate and the main points with them in a neutral environment allowed us all to see each others' perspectives with open arms and when somebody had a good point, it was accepted with an, "Ahhh!" rather than a "NO. You're wrong because I'm RIGHT." Sure, I kept my same opinion on every matter, but I did a better job of sharing my own opinions and of seeing their concerns and points, as well. And so Woody has a point. Why not spread gratitude and see what comes of it? At worst, nothing will change and everything will stay the same as if you'd never sent the gratitude out, but at best? At best it could change the way the world works. And I'm willing to take that first step. To risk it. Maybe it won't mean a thing to the person I'm addressing it to - or maybe it will mean everything. But at least I will have spoken the truth. At least I will have taken a step towards myself and towards gratitude.  Maybe after this first letter - probably the hardest one - I will be able to start a weekly thing of it. I would really like that. I write a list of people who have shaped me and each week spend an hour or two just letting them know how grateful I am for who they are and how they've helped me. This is the thing I do when I feel I'm loosing grip on myself, and after words not only do I remember how many important people have given a part of themselves so I could be where and who I am, but it allows them to feel the gratitude and made smile and feel happy if only for a day. I remember writing my 7th grade math teacher. I remember telling her that I vividly remembered the day she came into our math class and just started crying. She said she'd just been informed that one of her past students had killed himself. She was so upset. He hadn't been her student for years, but she remembered him and was so torn up about it. She started cry-screaming at us in a gentle way that if any of us ever ever EVER felt like life was so awful that we needed to just end our own, that we had to promise her here and now that we would aat least call her first. Just a call. I was 12 years old. I had never seen a teacher cry. I was so scared and felt so bad for her. And so I promised. If anything ever happened to me that made me believe it was better to kill myself than continue living, I would find a way to contact her first. She said it didn't matter what time it was. It didn't matter how many years at past since we'd last seen her. Just please, call first. I wrote her that. I told her that since that conversation I'd had a friend kill himself. I'd had a friend who I was sure would end up killing himself, but who'd been murdered in the end. I'd had really rough times and I'd occasionally hidden in my closet crying and wondering what the point was anymore. And every time I'd gone in that closet to sob and scream and wail, I'd thought about her. I'd thought about that day in math class. And I'd thought I knew I had somebody to call if I just couldn't do it anymore. And knowing that - reminding myself of that - had always made me feel much better if just for a second. Knowing I wasn't alone and that I had made a promise to a teacher who really cared. And that I wouldn't disappoint her.She wrote me back right away. She said how much it'd meant to her to receive that letter. She told me the next time I was in town she'd love to meet up for coffee and catch up. And she thanked me. I have so many moments like that in my life. So many people who changed they way I'd live in just a few minutes. And if somebody like me - a girl who considers  herself pretty strong and tenacious and sanguine - can have her moments - her days, weeks, months - where she just feels like nobody would notice if she were to disappear - then I'm supposing all the people in my life who have truly impacted me must have days like that, too. After becoming a teacher, I'm beginning to realize we really all are just people. Even the girl who I've held to be a goddess since middle school probably has those days where she wonders who she is and cries to herself. Even my most amazing teachers (I'm now convinced) have probably sat at their desks and wondered to themselves what they're doing and why are they here.So no, it's not all selfless. I want to be a little piece of paper that gives someone a smile for a day. But I also want them to know how truly appreciated they are - because I think that could really change a lot of perspectives and create a grander sense of happiness than currently exists in the world. I know that if anybody I'd ever known suddenly sent me a random letter out of the blue thanking me for something I'd done that'd changed them for the better, I would be speechless. I would see my life a little differently. I would see myself differently. And I would have one of those big, authentic smiles plastered on my face for a good while.The project starts tomorrow. Here goes nothing.XOXO

Day 40: Time to be LAZY!

Abby and I woke up at 13:00.

So. Glorious.

No alarms. Nowhere to be all day long. No reason to change out of our PJs. We lazily woke up, made lunch and watched TV shows online until her friend came over around 6pm.

So. Glorious.

When her friend arrived, we set out for the Medieval Market. The streets were so crowded, though, that we quickly decided it was time for a monster-sized sangria/beer break and we were all happy to sit on a bench and listen to an old man read Don Quixote and sing crazy songs while playing his instruments. :)

Afterwards, we realized we were hungry, so we walked though the market again to the other side to get to the Moroccan food booths and had kebabs wrapped in tortillas. I believe it will be as close to Chipotle as I get while I'm here, unless I get to travel to the UK, where apparently Chipotle has a few international restaurants!!

I remember in 8th grade when everyone went to Spain and they all complained about missing Chipotle and I thought they were nuts - but I now understand it. It's like, you're surrounded by the Spanish language, but there are absolutely no big, juicy burritos in sight! It's a serious mind f*ck. Mexican food does. not. exist. here. I mean, I guess there aren't many British restaurants with fish and chips in the US - but that's 'cause that's kinda gross; Mexican food it delicious!!

Oh how I miss Casa del Matador with their yummy nachos (Shrimplandia!) and garlic prawns and semi spicy tex-mex rolls with plum sauce and avocado sour cream sauce. Oh how I miss pho and thai food - and, especially, Thom Kha (S2) soup!! Oh how I miss North 45 with their yummy garlic muscles and crunchy French bread! Oh how I miss Cheesecake Factory and California Pizza Kitchen. Late night delivery pizza with pineapple and mushroom. Real pastry shops where the pastries don't just taste like awkward shapes of bread. FOOD! Flavorful FOOD! Ethnic FOOD! Yummy, delicious FOOD! A variety of FOOD!

Dear Spain:
Tapas are stupid and I don't like your flavorless food. Get with the program.
Scornfully,
Chelsea

^
(This is the note I want to write every single day I'm served plain chicken or plain fish with plain rice with plain clams and shrimp in it with plain yogurt and plain water with flavorless bread. THIS IS NOT FOOD. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I sometimes wonder what prison food tastes like in Spain if this food is considered delicious. UGH.)

 ANYWAY - after our Moroccan food (and a trip to Taste of America - sometimes an American just needs to see American food to remember flavor still exists somewhere on this planet), we went to the other part of the market and continued to browse. The most gorgeous booths are the candy ones - by far!

 

While browsing, Abby and I bought ourselves a Barbie/Hello Kitty pink hookah!! We'd been talking about it for a little while - how after a really stressful day we'd like to just get a 90 cent bottle of wine and look out our balcony with a hookah and decompress together at night - and it finally happened! When we arrived home with it and her friend left we started researching how to make it work - and quickly realized we seriously needed to buy aluminum foil. At the exact same second she and I shut our laptops and ran for our coats. We only had 15 minutes before the grocery store closed and we needed to run there, fast!

Our first shot at the hookah wasn't amazing, but it was fun and we had a good time giggling and winding down from our already completely relaxing day. :)

XOXO