A whole year has gone by, and so it is time to start fresh - fresh as a pan of chocolate chip cookies coming out of the oven! ;)
www.jetsetcupcakemalasana.blogspot.com
XOXO
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Cotton Candy Clouds
Um... What just happened?
Monday afternoon I was blissfully bouncing down the street thinking about how I hadn't had anybody I was really interested in for a loooong time. I went to say to myself, "Yeah, Universe. I'd like to place an order for one of those." But the second I heard those words, I changed my mind. The truth was, it was the first time since I was 14 and a half that I was so happy just being me that I really didn't even want anybody else in my rainbow sprinkle sparkle land. Whoa.
So that's what made what happened over the next 48 hours so ridiculously... Unexpected? Awesome? Unexpectedly awesome.
First of all, anybody who shows up to hang out with me a half hour late and, in doing so, unknowingly gives me a chance to sip on a Chai Frappucino and people watch in the sunshine is obviously okay in my book. But to top it off by picking me up while hugging me hello...? Um, yes please.
What ensued was a afternoon (or three) of errands and adventures around sunshiny Madrid, talking and giggling all the while.
At one point still early on in the day we ended up on a mini terrace eating gelato (gin and tonic gelato, as it turns out, is delicious). We were casually engaged in conversing when he stopped and said, "You look really happy." Immediately my eyes squinted into my most authentic and blithe grin and I nodded.
Here's this little 24 year old girl from Colorado having gelato in the sunshine at a cafe in Madrid, Spain after having recently returned from a month of living on the beach, surrounded by the most clever young souls who taught her to truly adore herself.
Life felt like I was walking on cotton candy clouds, and his presence was a further dusting of sugar - the glimmery crystal kind!
XOXO
Monday afternoon I was blissfully bouncing down the street thinking about how I hadn't had anybody I was really interested in for a loooong time. I went to say to myself, "Yeah, Universe. I'd like to place an order for one of those." But the second I heard those words, I changed my mind. The truth was, it was the first time since I was 14 and a half that I was so happy just being me that I really didn't even want anybody else in my rainbow sprinkle sparkle land. Whoa.
So that's what made what happened over the next 48 hours so ridiculously... Unexpected? Awesome? Unexpectedly awesome.
First of all, anybody who shows up to hang out with me a half hour late and, in doing so, unknowingly gives me a chance to sip on a Chai Frappucino and people watch in the sunshine is obviously okay in my book. But to top it off by picking me up while hugging me hello...? Um, yes please.
What ensued was a afternoon (or three) of errands and adventures around sunshiny Madrid, talking and giggling all the while.
At one point still early on in the day we ended up on a mini terrace eating gelato (gin and tonic gelato, as it turns out, is delicious). We were casually engaged in conversing when he stopped and said, "You look really happy." Immediately my eyes squinted into my most authentic and blithe grin and I nodded.
Here's this little 24 year old girl from Colorado having gelato in the sunshine at a cafe in Madrid, Spain after having recently returned from a month of living on the beach, surrounded by the most clever young souls who taught her to truly adore herself.
Life felt like I was walking on cotton candy clouds, and his presence was a further dusting of sugar - the glimmery crystal kind!
XOXO
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Last Night of Camp
Teaching English is just a guise; it's merely a happy byproduct of what I actually do. What I do I fly paper airplanes with colorful moose and simple words of love on it through windows in the middle of the night when I know they there's a sweet boy in his bed trying not to cry. What I do is give out high fives liberally and make up cray little victory dances to celebrate even the tiniest of victories for a few little amazing souls I've come to know. What I do is listen - but really listen - when somebody trusts me enough to open up, even in the littlest of ways.
Part of what makes it so odd is how unabashedly authentic I am when it comes to my personality. At first I just did it to make things more interesting... but as these four weeks have gone by, I've began to realize that me being my crazy self has made some of my "students" feel comfortable being their silly, authentic self, too. O_o It has been like watching little flowers bloom. And it's the sweetest thing.
Another odd thing is how I aim to see things from their perspective. That's not normal bears. It seems control is high on the list of desires for teachers... And maybe I just don't get it... But I find control to be stifling on the whole. The whole "because I said so" logic has always been lost on me and I refuse to perpetuate it... Which makes for interesting occurrences.
"Can we take a nap?"
"Um, no."
"Why not?"
"Because we have things to do..."
"But we will work harder and learn more, more quickly, if we can take a quick nap!"
"You really think so?"
"Yeah!"
"Huh. Well okay, let's try it."
"Really!?!"
"Sure, why not? But if it doesn't prove to be effectual, we won't do it again."
"Okay, Chelsea! We love you!"
And that's how nap time became a thing in class. While all the other teachers complained that their kids were listless and dozing off in class and not paying attention nor learning anything, mine were power snoozing for 30 minutes, lulled to sleep by quiet trance music in English... And then waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready and excited to learn.
The fact their nap idea was a really great and effective one was really cool, but what was even better was their sense of awe that they were being allowed to nap in class. They would repeatedly tell me they loved me for it - but it wasn't just the sleep... It was that I had rationally listened to their argument and thrown the ball in their court. I respected them, and in turn they quickly grew to respect me. And the more the mutual respect grew, the more they were accidentally learning... And the more they accidentally learned... The more confident they got... And the more confident they got, the more English they used and the more authentic they each became... And the more that happened, the more praise I gave them -- just like a crazy hyper narwhal loving cheerleader!! ;)
If my 40 kids from these past four weeks retain any new knowledge about the English language that the learned during camp, I will be a pleased panda. But I'm really not so concerned about that, to be honest. What really is keeping me up until 6am writing and rewriting this post for is the fear that the spark in their eyes that's gotten brighter and brighter throughout camp with begin to dim again after they leave.
This fear began rather selfishly...
This month working at this camp has been one of the best months of my existence: I've fallen in love with many of my kids, fallen much deeper in love with teaching, and fallen in love with the quirky parts of myself I used to be rather unsure and nervous about. And so a small part of me is afraid to leave here. I know it's time, and I know my kids would have to go either way again... But what if I forget all of this love, confidence and happiness that's percolated up inside of me?
If I'm never out for myself, how will some of my favorites fare?! Will this experience have been even minutely important in their lives?! Will they remember there is a crazy "teacher" somewhere out there who adores them and is always on their side?!
I could spend my time worrying about it... Or I could spend my time continuing to make my life something that could be worthy of inspiring these little people I've come I adore. <3
This month has been amazing. But not a single other teacher thinks so; they all can't wait to get home. The first day I was pretty judgmental of it all, but when Favorite told me to view it all as a sort of adventure... Suddenly the negatives became an eventful part of the story rather than something to make me want to kill others. ;) But really, the idea of viewing something from the vantage point of an adventure makes things so much... Lighter. <3
I've learned so many things this month... But I think one of the most important things I learned was just how toxic complaining can be. On a cognitive level I knew this to some extent... But it wasn't until this month that I really started to notice it. See, one person starts... And then another feeds off of it... And then it just becomes and interminable chain of complaints... And everyone leaves the exchange feeling self righteous and fully ready to spot the next negative thing they can find. And little by little, all the magic is sucked out of the adventure until it smells like nothing but shit... and maybe, just maybe, it could have been a magical little bouquet of bliss had you just given it the chance.
I also feel this way about children... But that's for another time...
Anyway it's 7am now and I'm über sick of being the noise police on these poor kids.
Part of what makes it so odd is how unabashedly authentic I am when it comes to my personality. At first I just did it to make things more interesting... but as these four weeks have gone by, I've began to realize that me being my crazy self has made some of my "students" feel comfortable being their silly, authentic self, too. O_o It has been like watching little flowers bloom. And it's the sweetest thing.
Another odd thing is how I aim to see things from their perspective. That's not normal bears. It seems control is high on the list of desires for teachers... And maybe I just don't get it... But I find control to be stifling on the whole. The whole "because I said so" logic has always been lost on me and I refuse to perpetuate it... Which makes for interesting occurrences.
"Can we take a nap?"
"Um, no."
"Why not?"
"Because we have things to do..."
"But we will work harder and learn more, more quickly, if we can take a quick nap!"
"You really think so?"
"Yeah!"
"Huh. Well okay, let's try it."
"Really!?!"
"Sure, why not? But if it doesn't prove to be effectual, we won't do it again."
"Okay, Chelsea! We love you!"
And that's how nap time became a thing in class. While all the other teachers complained that their kids were listless and dozing off in class and not paying attention nor learning anything, mine were power snoozing for 30 minutes, lulled to sleep by quiet trance music in English... And then waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready and excited to learn.
The fact their nap idea was a really great and effective one was really cool, but what was even better was their sense of awe that they were being allowed to nap in class. They would repeatedly tell me they loved me for it - but it wasn't just the sleep... It was that I had rationally listened to their argument and thrown the ball in their court. I respected them, and in turn they quickly grew to respect me. And the more the mutual respect grew, the more they were accidentally learning... And the more they accidentally learned... The more confident they got... And the more confident they got, the more English they used and the more authentic they each became... And the more that happened, the more praise I gave them -- just like a crazy hyper narwhal loving cheerleader!! ;)
If my 40 kids from these past four weeks retain any new knowledge about the English language that the learned during camp, I will be a pleased panda. But I'm really not so concerned about that, to be honest. What really is keeping me up until 6am writing and rewriting this post for is the fear that the spark in their eyes that's gotten brighter and brighter throughout camp with begin to dim again after they leave.
This fear began rather selfishly...
This month working at this camp has been one of the best months of my existence: I've fallen in love with many of my kids, fallen much deeper in love with teaching, and fallen in love with the quirky parts of myself I used to be rather unsure and nervous about. And so a small part of me is afraid to leave here. I know it's time, and I know my kids would have to go either way again... But what if I forget all of this love, confidence and happiness that's percolated up inside of me?
If I'm never out for myself, how will some of my favorites fare?! Will this experience have been even minutely important in their lives?! Will they remember there is a crazy "teacher" somewhere out there who adores them and is always on their side?!
I could spend my time worrying about it... Or I could spend my time continuing to make my life something that could be worthy of inspiring these little people I've come I adore. <3
This month has been amazing. But not a single other teacher thinks so; they all can't wait to get home. The first day I was pretty judgmental of it all, but when Favorite told me to view it all as a sort of adventure... Suddenly the negatives became an eventful part of the story rather than something to make me want to kill others. ;) But really, the idea of viewing something from the vantage point of an adventure makes things so much... Lighter. <3
I've learned so many things this month... But I think one of the most important things I learned was just how toxic complaining can be. On a cognitive level I knew this to some extent... But it wasn't until this month that I really started to notice it. See, one person starts... And then another feeds off of it... And then it just becomes and interminable chain of complaints... And everyone leaves the exchange feeling self righteous and fully ready to spot the next negative thing they can find. And little by little, all the magic is sucked out of the adventure until it smells like nothing but shit... and maybe, just maybe, it could have been a magical little bouquet of bliss had you just given it the chance.
I also feel this way about children... But that's for another time...
Anyway it's 7am now and I'm über sick of being the noise police on these poor kids.
Map.
The tattoo on my wrist is a map. It's a map that is there to remind me that things can only get better from where I'm standing now. A few years ago that wouldn't have meant much, as where I was standing wasn't always necessarily so great, so it's a celebration of perspective. Usually "it gets better" is said to depressed people, not to somebody who is really happy.
But really. What an altering concept to see things that go away or that you want but don't get as a blessing... Saving room for something even better.
I can't be sad to leave camp knowing that what comes next will be even more amazing and knowing that I've made 40 kids really happy.
But really. What an altering concept to see things that go away or that you want but don't get as a blessing... Saving room for something even better.
I can't be sad to leave camp knowing that what comes next will be even more amazing and knowing that I've made 40 kids really happy.
Go.
There's a Pinterest quote which reads, "Go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated."
I think I may have found that enchanted place...
XOXO
I think I may have found that enchanted place...
XOXO
Respect
The whole notion that teachers are supposed to be these supreme beings above you is just ridiculous to me. I think a good teacher is one who considers themselves to be completely equal to their students. Sure, in class they have knowledge that they are sharing that the students don't yet know, but those same students know tons of things that the teacher doesn't know. So this whole charade of teachers seeing themselves as superior is just such an ego trip, to me.
For me, to be honest, I find my students to be even more intelligent than the average person. I respect my students and their thoughts and opinions much more than I respect those of the people who are supposedly my "equals." My students are always so clever and imaginative and hilarious. Dull thinking, mindless regurgitation and conformity are simply do not have a place in my classroom. I find that I am completely on my kids' side to be themselves - and bonus points for being totally crazy and strange!
I'd be that teacher that if a student didn't know an answer on an exam but wrote a really clever retort, I'd not only give them the points, but I'd give them bonus points. I want my kids to learn English and feel happy, excited and conforfortable with expressing themselves in the language, but more than that I want to instill in them that being their unique them and loving it is the most important thing ever. Teaching English is just the guise under which I can try to teach what I really find important. ;)
XOXO
For me, to be honest, I find my students to be even more intelligent than the average person. I respect my students and their thoughts and opinions much more than I respect those of the people who are supposedly my "equals." My students are always so clever and imaginative and hilarious. Dull thinking, mindless regurgitation and conformity are simply do not have a place in my classroom. I find that I am completely on my kids' side to be themselves - and bonus points for being totally crazy and strange!
I'd be that teacher that if a student didn't know an answer on an exam but wrote a really clever retort, I'd not only give them the points, but I'd give them bonus points. I want my kids to learn English and feel happy, excited and conforfortable with expressing themselves in the language, but more than that I want to instill in them that being their unique them and loving it is the most important thing ever. Teaching English is just the guise under which I can try to teach what I really find important. ;)
XOXO
Last Day of Camp 1
My lil narwhals again and I am so sad about it... But having them all texting me tonight, using everything I've taught them in class the past two weeks perfectly and telling me how much they missed me?! It made my little heart melt!! <3
I love them. So much. And I've loved these past two weeks. I don't think I've ever been this happy for two consecutive weeks nonstop. I have great friends who love my silliness, I have amazingly intelligent and awesome students who adore me, I have a pool time daily and weekly beach excursions.
This is me living my dream life.
<3 XOXO
I love them. So much. And I've loved these past two weeks. I don't think I've ever been this happy for two consecutive weeks nonstop. I have great friends who love my silliness, I have amazingly intelligent and awesome students who adore me, I have a pool time daily and weekly beach excursions.
This is me living my dream life.
<3 XOXO
Absolutely
I absolutely adore this! <3
I think this might be what "happiness" is... Truly. And I feel so grateful - both for this entire experience and for finally seeing what all those moments that threatened to break my heart and spirit were about. <3
I think this might be what "happiness" is... Truly. And I feel so grateful - both for this entire experience and for finally seeing what all those moments that threatened to break my heart and spirit were about. <3
First Day of Camp
I think I am going to LOVE this...!
After a relaxed morning of making posters and going out for a lunch of pizza and beer, it was time to get serious. Today was arrival day and the girls and I got to do oral placement tests for 96 11-13 year olds! They were all soooooo freaking adorable! It was cool to be in the same room as the other three girls, cuz it was fun how, with the same set of questions we were asking, we all did it in such a different way! One was very serious, one was very chill, one was very teacher like and one was, well, me. The biggest difference I could see was that I was 100% authentically interested in the conversation I was having with each one, while two of the others at least seemed focused on the task of evaluation. One kid told me at the end of it that I was really funny and he liked me. ^_^ Hahaha!
After the oral placements, we had dinner and then I got to work on dividing the 100 kids into groups based on their level and gender. I jumped in and took over in a rare act of leadership not so much to be insanely helpful, but because I had fallen in love with some of the kids I'd talked to and wanted to make sure I got them in my group! ;) I came up with a semi elaborate color coding system and went crazy! Man, I love color coded organization!! So. Much.
After I rocked it and got all of the groups assigned perfectly and like the awesome possum I am, we had to take the lists out to the pool where they were doing the First Night Pirate Baptism. It was 11:30 at night and the beautiful orange half-moon glistened across the water. The pool was surrounded by students and lit tiki torches, while two of the guy councilors, fully dressed in their pirate gear, lurked around in the water. It all looked so cool and eerie!! I started taking pictures of them and they told me to come over to get my pirate baptism next. I handed my phone to my friend to take a pic and when I bent down to talk to the two in the pool, they both grabbed me and yanked me into the pool, clothes and all!!!!! The students started cheering and laughing, as I was the only girl counselor they'd done it to, and as soon as I made my way to the surface, I couldn't help but giggle and splash around!
I know it seems like nothing more than silly horse play, but it was one of those rare moments where I just felt 100% alive. <3
XOXO
After a relaxed morning of making posters and going out for a lunch of pizza and beer, it was time to get serious. Today was arrival day and the girls and I got to do oral placement tests for 96 11-13 year olds! They were all soooooo freaking adorable! It was cool to be in the same room as the other three girls, cuz it was fun how, with the same set of questions we were asking, we all did it in such a different way! One was very serious, one was very chill, one was very teacher like and one was, well, me. The biggest difference I could see was that I was 100% authentically interested in the conversation I was having with each one, while two of the others at least seemed focused on the task of evaluation. One kid told me at the end of it that I was really funny and he liked me. ^_^ Hahaha!
After the oral placements, we had dinner and then I got to work on dividing the 100 kids into groups based on their level and gender. I jumped in and took over in a rare act of leadership not so much to be insanely helpful, but because I had fallen in love with some of the kids I'd talked to and wanted to make sure I got them in my group! ;) I came up with a semi elaborate color coding system and went crazy! Man, I love color coded organization!! So. Much.
After I rocked it and got all of the groups assigned perfectly and like the awesome possum I am, we had to take the lists out to the pool where they were doing the First Night Pirate Baptism. It was 11:30 at night and the beautiful orange half-moon glistened across the water. The pool was surrounded by students and lit tiki torches, while two of the guy councilors, fully dressed in their pirate gear, lurked around in the water. It all looked so cool and eerie!! I started taking pictures of them and they told me to come over to get my pirate baptism next. I handed my phone to my friend to take a pic and when I bent down to talk to the two in the pool, they both grabbed me and yanked me into the pool, clothes and all!!!!! The students started cheering and laughing, as I was the only girl counselor they'd done it to, and as soon as I made my way to the surface, I couldn't help but giggle and splash around!
I know it seems like nothing more than silly horse play, but it was one of those rare moments where I just felt 100% alive. <3
XOXO
So far...
So far so good! :)
I debated for weeks whether or not I should accept the job at this camp; I was given the job without any interview and, upon reading about it, felt it was too good to be true. Living on the beach on the Mediterranean Sea for a month, all housing, transportation and food included... Plus a decent salary, all while working with 10-12 year olds on nothing but random conversation?! There has to be a catch...
...well soon find out! So far I'm way impressed! ^_^
XOXO
I debated for weeks whether or not I should accept the job at this camp; I was given the job without any interview and, upon reading about it, felt it was too good to be true. Living on the beach on the Mediterranean Sea for a month, all housing, transportation and food included... Plus a decent salary, all while working with 10-12 year olds on nothing but random conversation?! There has to be a catch...
...well soon find out! So far I'm way impressed! ^_^
XOXO
July.
Five weeks ago I had no idea where I was going to live this summer, nor how I was going to make enough money to get by. All of my "friends" were about to move back to the US and my life as I'd come to know it was officially coming to a close without any plan for the coming three months whatsoever.
I was stressed. Not overly so, just appropriately shaken, standing at the ledge and having no idea what would be there when I jumped. But I knew there would be something. Uncertainty means anything is possible, and if there's one thing Pinterest has taught me, it's that perspective is everything and you send just as much energy worrying as you could use in creating the right vibrations and energy to prepare yourself for something great.
I took the month of July off from blogging. I was tired. I didn't know if I'd have much to write about. I just needed a break. And I'm very grateful I allowed myself that break without feeling even the slightest tinge of guilt. But! I'm rested and ready to go again. I adore my blog and having a place I can mentally, emotionally and spiritually escape to each night to digest and reflect upon my day.
So how was July? July was good. I got to live in the most adorable boho apartment in my favorite neighborhood in the whole world, Malasaña! I got to wake up each morning with sunshine pouring through my own personal balcony. I could walk out my front door and be in the center of Madrid in seconds! But what really made living there so great was David! :)
XOXO
I was stressed. Not overly so, just appropriately shaken, standing at the ledge and having no idea what would be there when I jumped. But I knew there would be something. Uncertainty means anything is possible, and if there's one thing Pinterest has taught me, it's that perspective is everything and you send just as much energy worrying as you could use in creating the right vibrations and energy to prepare yourself for something great.
I took the month of July off from blogging. I was tired. I didn't know if I'd have much to write about. I just needed a break. And I'm very grateful I allowed myself that break without feeling even the slightest tinge of guilt. But! I'm rested and ready to go again. I adore my blog and having a place I can mentally, emotionally and spiritually escape to each night to digest and reflect upon my day.
So how was July? July was good. I got to live in the most adorable boho apartment in my favorite neighborhood in the whole world, Malasaña! I got to wake up each morning with sunshine pouring through my own personal balcony. I could walk out my front door and be in the center of Madrid in seconds! But what really made living there so great was David! :)
XOXO
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Truth.
The next 48 hours were spent drowning in an bottomless dirty puddle of self-doubt and self-judgement. I'd gone so long without having to write one of those, "I effed up... BIG time..." emails to my best friend, that each word that I typed made me sink lower and lower. I was sure I'd taken everything I'd so carefully constructed over the past year and smashed it into a million little pieces in one night. And it just felt so typical of me that I wanted to cry.
I've spent most of my life trying to hide certain aspects of who I really am so that I better conform to the views that people have of me. So when I woke up, realizing I had accidentally dropped the facade for a night and was completely honest about who I really am, I was sure it was the worst thing I could have possibly done.
But, as it turned out, I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only had he not judged me for any of it... But it all had actually heightened his opinion of me. o_O The conversation that followed was four hours long, and by the end of it my entire perspective on being myself was irrevocably changed.
His perspective made me see how the moments of my life I most wished had never happened were precisely the ones that inspired the best parts of who I am today. They weren't things I needed to hide from or be ashamed of... Instead they were the divine starting points or catalysts or mini battles that made me this girl whom I've been falling in love with this year. They didn't make me less of that girl - they MADE me that girl.
Suddenly all of the little moments that had seemed so dark and shameful began to appear light and sparkly. All the time I'd spent wishing I could change those moments had been silly, as those moments were divinely inserted into my life for very specific reasons. The problem was that it'd taken me 24 years to start to see the big picture and reap the rewards intrinsic in it all.
It was certainly eye opening... But it wasn't the most important epiphany from that four hour conversation. The most important one was realizing that all those hours talking with Conor and Martin had stuck.
I remember one afternoon I was laying in the sunshine on the floor of my bedroom, having class on the phone with Martin. I was in an unusually angsty mood and he called me out of it. "Why do you have to judge him like that? What would happen if you let him live his own truth? What would happen if you saw them as innocent?" These three questions nearly made my blood boil. Of course I couldn't just sit back while one of my best friends made horrible choice after horrible choice. I knew better than them and had to stop them.
Martin tried to reason with me. He tried to make me see that what's right for one person may not be right for the other person, yet I refused to listen. I knew better than them and that was that. How could I stand back and watch as these people I cared about went on ruining their own lives?! Living their "own truth" my ass...
Secretly, I wanted more than anything to be able to see them as innocent. I wanted to be there for my friends as someone that could help rather than someone who just kept yelling at them. But how?
The thing I was missing of course was the big picture. People didnt decide to do drugs because they were just stupid. People didnt decide to fail classes because they just didn't care. All of it had a deeper reason, and all of those deeper reasons were rooted in a fragile place that had been hurt too many times.
Gradually, I began to see people differently; I began to see them as little tiny creatures who had been so repeatedly knocked down and injured that the only way they could continue in one piece was to do the things I had been so harshly judging them for. And it wasn't as if I were any better than them, myself. I, too, had that little creature inside me that did things others didnt understand for her own reasons rooted in fear.
So when he told me that he hadn't really talked like that with anyone, Martin's words came flooding back to me. When he told me that me having been so truthful and open about my own life had made him feel at ease to open up about his.
I reread that line over and over, feeling more and more honored each time I read it. I had gone from somebody who had judged others out of fear and ignorance to somebody who people felt comfortable opening up to. o_O Whoa.
And that is the story of how the one night I'd feared had ruined my summer and an important relationship to me turned out to actually be part of what has made them so great! <3 I adore when something unexpected turns out to be something you value quite a bit!
XOXO
I've spent most of my life trying to hide certain aspects of who I really am so that I better conform to the views that people have of me. So when I woke up, realizing I had accidentally dropped the facade for a night and was completely honest about who I really am, I was sure it was the worst thing I could have possibly done.
But, as it turned out, I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only had he not judged me for any of it... But it all had actually heightened his opinion of me. o_O The conversation that followed was four hours long, and by the end of it my entire perspective on being myself was irrevocably changed.
His perspective made me see how the moments of my life I most wished had never happened were precisely the ones that inspired the best parts of who I am today. They weren't things I needed to hide from or be ashamed of... Instead they were the divine starting points or catalysts or mini battles that made me this girl whom I've been falling in love with this year. They didn't make me less of that girl - they MADE me that girl.
Suddenly all of the little moments that had seemed so dark and shameful began to appear light and sparkly. All the time I'd spent wishing I could change those moments had been silly, as those moments were divinely inserted into my life for very specific reasons. The problem was that it'd taken me 24 years to start to see the big picture and reap the rewards intrinsic in it all.
It was certainly eye opening... But it wasn't the most important epiphany from that four hour conversation. The most important one was realizing that all those hours talking with Conor and Martin had stuck.
I remember one afternoon I was laying in the sunshine on the floor of my bedroom, having class on the phone with Martin. I was in an unusually angsty mood and he called me out of it. "Why do you have to judge him like that? What would happen if you let him live his own truth? What would happen if you saw them as innocent?" These three questions nearly made my blood boil. Of course I couldn't just sit back while one of my best friends made horrible choice after horrible choice. I knew better than them and had to stop them.
Martin tried to reason with me. He tried to make me see that what's right for one person may not be right for the other person, yet I refused to listen. I knew better than them and that was that. How could I stand back and watch as these people I cared about went on ruining their own lives?! Living their "own truth" my ass...
Secretly, I wanted more than anything to be able to see them as innocent. I wanted to be there for my friends as someone that could help rather than someone who just kept yelling at them. But how?
The thing I was missing of course was the big picture. People didnt decide to do drugs because they were just stupid. People didnt decide to fail classes because they just didn't care. All of it had a deeper reason, and all of those deeper reasons were rooted in a fragile place that had been hurt too many times.
Gradually, I began to see people differently; I began to see them as little tiny creatures who had been so repeatedly knocked down and injured that the only way they could continue in one piece was to do the things I had been so harshly judging them for. And it wasn't as if I were any better than them, myself. I, too, had that little creature inside me that did things others didnt understand for her own reasons rooted in fear.
So when he told me that he hadn't really talked like that with anyone, Martin's words came flooding back to me. When he told me that me having been so truthful and open about my own life had made him feel at ease to open up about his.
I reread that line over and over, feeling more and more honored each time I read it. I had gone from somebody who had judged others out of fear and ignorance to somebody who people felt comfortable opening up to. o_O Whoa.
And that is the story of how the one night I'd feared had ruined my summer and an important relationship to me turned out to actually be part of what has made them so great! <3 I adore when something unexpected turns out to be something you value quite a bit!
XOXO
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Urbane and Sanguine
When did my life get so cool? Just a week ago I moved into my new apartment and didn't know how anything was going to work out... And now?! Mondays are classes with Ara at a new bar every week. Tuesdays and Thursdays with Pachi are spent at the pool with snacks. Wednesdays are a new restaurant every week with wine and conversation with both girls. Fridays are sitting on the patio with a sweet family and geeking out about English and playing with an adorable baby over a few drinks and tapas.
And all of this covers my rent and food.
Is this real life?!
And not only that. I suddenly have friends - and awesome, fun, amazing friends. And I am speaking Spanish. And I live with a Spanish teacher. And I have the most adorable apartment in my favorite neighborhood in Spain. And my students adore me. And I'm good at what I do... Because I'm doing it my way and holding faith in my unique way of doing things.
Alla this was just someone's idea... It could just as well have been mine. ;)
I've always wanted to live by those 14 words, but I never really knew how. What if this is the first way I do it?! What if this actually becomes a thing for me?! What if my life really becomes internationally urbane and outrageously successful, all because I was willing to do things a little differently and be true to myself rather than try to conform to the standard quo?!
XOXO
And all of this covers my rent and food.
Is this real life?!
And not only that. I suddenly have friends - and awesome, fun, amazing friends. And I am speaking Spanish. And I live with a Spanish teacher. And I have the most adorable apartment in my favorite neighborhood in Spain. And my students adore me. And I'm good at what I do... Because I'm doing it my way and holding faith in my unique way of doing things.
Alla this was just someone's idea... It could just as well have been mine. ;)
I've always wanted to live by those 14 words, but I never really knew how. What if this is the first way I do it?! What if this actually becomes a thing for me?! What if my life really becomes internationally urbane and outrageously successful, all because I was willing to do things a little differently and be true to myself rather than try to conform to the standard quo?!
XOXO
Sunday, August 11, 2013
First Malasaña Day
Oh. My. Goodness.
What an amazing first day as a resident of Madrid proper.
I'm blissed out - incredulous and yet not, because somehow, this is exactly what I was expecting... In my little optimistic, sanguine soul... This is exactly what I've been dreaming about for... Always.
Waking up to the sunshine coming into my new room from my balcony. Getting showered with my cookie scented bath gel and dressed in my summer clothes. Being able to walk to Starbucks for my Afghan Skype lesson. Wandering the streets and markets of Fuencarral. Meeting up with smiley V, who showed up 20 minutes late and gave no sign of even realizing it. Walking through Malasaña and stumbling upon the last Saturday Dosde market of the year and finding my dream wall map! V being asked to be a jewelry model while we were having sodas ad olives in the plaza. Lunching on the best burger - the "cabrita" with goat cheese and blueberry sauce - with a delicious glass of red wine with V. Taking a stroll to meet her awesomely tattooed and fashionable roomie in La Latina for a beer and good Spanish conversation with a bird flying overhead at V's request! Giggling with V and Jen while at the defuzzery.
Walking across a river I forgot even existed and getting ice cream and cooling our chest off with it! Listening to Bossa Nova in a trance, sprawled out on the couch with ice cream and fresh fruit. Meeting her Bulgarian friend and having an awesome Spanish conversation about dreams and connections and serendipity... I feeling that rare, amazing feeling you get when you realize there are other people who think like you do and believe the same crazy things you do! Taking a walk along the river at night and telling them about Conor and the Orange Soda - my first time ever talking about something so personal so effortlessly in a foreign language! Having dinner and being enraptured by V's funny stories. Getting home to find out I have my new apartment to myself for the weekend, andusing this opportunity to play my music and decorate my room and write until 3 am with my balcony doors open and a gentle breeze coming through. <3
Today has been surreal. Absolutely surreal. And I couldn't be more grateful!
XOXO
What an amazing first day as a resident of Madrid proper.
I'm blissed out - incredulous and yet not, because somehow, this is exactly what I was expecting... In my little optimistic, sanguine soul... This is exactly what I've been dreaming about for... Always.
Waking up to the sunshine coming into my new room from my balcony. Getting showered with my cookie scented bath gel and dressed in my summer clothes. Being able to walk to Starbucks for my Afghan Skype lesson. Wandering the streets and markets of Fuencarral. Meeting up with smiley V, who showed up 20 minutes late and gave no sign of even realizing it. Walking through Malasaña and stumbling upon the last Saturday Dosde market of the year and finding my dream wall map! V being asked to be a jewelry model while we were having sodas ad olives in the plaza. Lunching on the best burger - the "cabrita" with goat cheese and blueberry sauce - with a delicious glass of red wine with V. Taking a stroll to meet her awesomely tattooed and fashionable roomie in La Latina for a beer and good Spanish conversation with a bird flying overhead at V's request! Giggling with V and Jen while at the defuzzery.
Walking across a river I forgot even existed and getting ice cream and cooling our chest off with it! Listening to Bossa Nova in a trance, sprawled out on the couch with ice cream and fresh fruit. Meeting her Bulgarian friend and having an awesome Spanish conversation about dreams and connections and serendipity... I feeling that rare, amazing feeling you get when you realize there are other people who think like you do and believe the same crazy things you do! Taking a walk along the river at night and telling them about Conor and the Orange Soda - my first time ever talking about something so personal so effortlessly in a foreign language! Having dinner and being enraptured by V's funny stories. Getting home to find out I have my new apartment to myself for the weekend, andusing this opportunity to play my music and decorate my room and write until 3 am with my balcony doors open and a gentle breeze coming through. <3
Today has been surreal. Absolutely surreal. And I couldn't be more grateful!
XOXO
End of the week reflection
I found a Pinterest quote that says something like, "I don't have time to worry about the people who don't like me because I'm too busy loving all of the people who love me." It was one of those rare quotes that made me stop in my tracks and think to myself, "Whoa. My life would be sooooo different if I thought like this."
It wasn't until I read the quote that I realized how much of my average day I consumed with thoughts about people who I think don't like me! Holy crap what a waste. >_< But it's definitely not like I'm the only one - not by far. It seems to be a human obsession to worry about being unliked. I think its at its worst in middle school or high school and then you grow out of it a little by little, but I don't think it ever fully goes away. The teachers' room was a perfect example of this: teachers would often say, "I'm sure he's just sitting there laughing at me when I turn my back." They would say this about their students who were not getting good grades - as if their low marks were due only to the fact they had a personal vendetta against their teachers. >_< Wow. That's taking conceited to a whole new level...
Anyway, this week I've tried living by the quote's wisdom, and it's definitely been interesting to witness how much different it makes me feel. Instead of feeling obliged to be around people who made me feel less than stellar about myself, I chose to be around only those who really radiated genuine happiness to be around me.
Suddenly I wasn't worrying why my roomies were discluding me and what an awful person I must be for them to do such a thing. Suddenly I wasn't obsessing about the teachers at school who always half glared at me and blatantly ignored me with a grimace on their faces. Nope, I wasn't thinking about any of that this week.
Instead, I was using my free time at school to play on the play ground with my kids or have silly conversations with my Bachis. Instead of being home, I was busy with other people who authentically enjoy my company. Instead of thinking there must really be some awful flaws in me, I began seeing myself as a really fun and lovable person.
Rather than continuing to feel upset, hurt and mad at the people whose actions had been making me feel so low, I started feeling excited just to be me and feel at ease that the people who didn't value me for me simply weren't on my wavelength and was thankful they treated me in such a way as to release me and make me discover new people and new aspects about myself.
It's certainly proven to be true for me that what you think about a lot you perpetuate. It makes sense. But it's sometimes not until you really break free of a certain way of thinking that you realize how you were perpetuating your own unhappiness.
I think, for the most part, I was happy this past year. But everywhere I turned, I always had that feeling deep inside that there was just something intrinsically unlike able about me, and there was nothing I could do about it...
When I began packing up and getting ready for Vero to come help me move this evening, Abby suddenly asked me what was up. I was taken aback by this, as I'd figured she'd finally found this little hateable part inside of me and that's why she hadn't really spoken to me or showed any interest in me or invited me along on her weekend journeys with the other girls. It was really hurtful, but I'd tried my best to ignore it.
So when she asked why I was upset at her for the past month, I had no idea what to say. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. At all. She said I had gone missing for the month - just like I would complain J and B would do at times - and that I would only talk to her when I needed something. And she seemed genuinely upset about it. When I explained how I felt, she said I couldn't just assume people hated me for no reason and then do nothing about it and go missing and avoid it.
There was no resolution to any of it, just silence, which was the worst part of the whole thing. After considering her to be my closest friend for the past year and leave things like this... It just feels so sad. And I have no idea how to solve it. I guess we both felt ignored and hurt... But neither of us are completely willing to take all the responsibility for the huge miscommunication? I don't know... :-/
It was nice, then, to have Vero come help me move and complain about the management at our school til the point that I almost peed my pants. She'd just been fired that evening and was particularly hilarious because of it!
After a day that had started stressfully at 7 am to get my lost visa documents in order and run to the city to turn them all in and hope I'd gotten everything right, a smoothie stop with two guys from my program, all the Abby drama and then moving... I was so happy when the door shut and I was blissfully alone in my new apartment to just unwind. It was crazy weird to fall asleep utterly alone... I haven't been all alone in a place since my last apartment in Madison! And not having Abby a few feet away from me, even if we hadn't been on such great terms the past month, felt so... Lonely. It was tricky to fall asleep, but when I finally did, nothing could wake me!
XOXO
It wasn't until I read the quote that I realized how much of my average day I consumed with thoughts about people who I think don't like me! Holy crap what a waste. >_< But it's definitely not like I'm the only one - not by far. It seems to be a human obsession to worry about being unliked. I think its at its worst in middle school or high school and then you grow out of it a little by little, but I don't think it ever fully goes away. The teachers' room was a perfect example of this: teachers would often say, "I'm sure he's just sitting there laughing at me when I turn my back." They would say this about their students who were not getting good grades - as if their low marks were due only to the fact they had a personal vendetta against their teachers. >_< Wow. That's taking conceited to a whole new level...
Anyway, this week I've tried living by the quote's wisdom, and it's definitely been interesting to witness how much different it makes me feel. Instead of feeling obliged to be around people who made me feel less than stellar about myself, I chose to be around only those who really radiated genuine happiness to be around me.
Suddenly I wasn't worrying why my roomies were discluding me and what an awful person I must be for them to do such a thing. Suddenly I wasn't obsessing about the teachers at school who always half glared at me and blatantly ignored me with a grimace on their faces. Nope, I wasn't thinking about any of that this week.
Instead, I was using my free time at school to play on the play ground with my kids or have silly conversations with my Bachis. Instead of being home, I was busy with other people who authentically enjoy my company. Instead of thinking there must really be some awful flaws in me, I began seeing myself as a really fun and lovable person.
Rather than continuing to feel upset, hurt and mad at the people whose actions had been making me feel so low, I started feeling excited just to be me and feel at ease that the people who didn't value me for me simply weren't on my wavelength and was thankful they treated me in such a way as to release me and make me discover new people and new aspects about myself.
It's certainly proven to be true for me that what you think about a lot you perpetuate. It makes sense. But it's sometimes not until you really break free of a certain way of thinking that you realize how you were perpetuating your own unhappiness.
I think, for the most part, I was happy this past year. But everywhere I turned, I always had that feeling deep inside that there was just something intrinsically unlike able about me, and there was nothing I could do about it...
When I began packing up and getting ready for Vero to come help me move this evening, Abby suddenly asked me what was up. I was taken aback by this, as I'd figured she'd finally found this little hateable part inside of me and that's why she hadn't really spoken to me or showed any interest in me or invited me along on her weekend journeys with the other girls. It was really hurtful, but I'd tried my best to ignore it.
So when she asked why I was upset at her for the past month, I had no idea what to say. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. At all. She said I had gone missing for the month - just like I would complain J and B would do at times - and that I would only talk to her when I needed something. And she seemed genuinely upset about it. When I explained how I felt, she said I couldn't just assume people hated me for no reason and then do nothing about it and go missing and avoid it.
There was no resolution to any of it, just silence, which was the worst part of the whole thing. After considering her to be my closest friend for the past year and leave things like this... It just feels so sad. And I have no idea how to solve it. I guess we both felt ignored and hurt... But neither of us are completely willing to take all the responsibility for the huge miscommunication? I don't know... :-/
It was nice, then, to have Vero come help me move and complain about the management at our school til the point that I almost peed my pants. She'd just been fired that evening and was particularly hilarious because of it!
After a day that had started stressfully at 7 am to get my lost visa documents in order and run to the city to turn them all in and hope I'd gotten everything right, a smoothie stop with two guys from my program, all the Abby drama and then moving... I was so happy when the door shut and I was blissfully alone in my new apartment to just unwind. It was crazy weird to fall asleep utterly alone... I haven't been all alone in a place since my last apartment in Madison! And not having Abby a few feet away from me, even if we hadn't been on such great terms the past month, felt so... Lonely. It was tricky to fall asleep, but when I finally did, nothing could wake me!
XOXO
Day 295: Last Day of School <3
Today was probably one of the best days of my life. <3 I've never felt so much love in one day. Ever. And not just loved... But loved for EXACTLY who I am and everything that makes me unique.
I remember at the beginning of the year the shooting happened at the elementary school in America. At the time I said I didn't understand how those teachers could just throw themselves in front of their students knowing the very likely could die trying to save them.
But that was nine months ago. Today? I would do absolutely anything for even just one of them. I love and adore the crap out my kids!! Suddenly all those late night car ride conversations with my mom made sense today. She always told me there was a reason I was learning so many difficult and painful lessons so early in life... And now I see the wisdom in that.
I had the most amazing day watching the festival, and then just hanging out with my kids and talking, giggling and taking pictures with them! <3 It sounds so simple, but the love with which each one spoke to me, knowing that it might be our last day ever seeing each other after such a wonderful year... It was something I had never experienced before.
The sweetest and most heart wrenching part of the day was definitely the last five minutes of the school day when I had to say goodbye to my favorite 3rd graders. :( Lucy, Sophie and Alberto all started to cry a little bit, and I had to hug them really tight and run out of the room before they saw me start to cry, too. <3
I can honestly say I've never felt so loved by so many souls as I felt today. Today was a changing point in my self perception. Never again will I be able to feel utterly worthless or like I'm not doing my tiny part to make the world a better place. These 250 little souls made me realize that I am important and I can be utterly loved and adored just for who I am. <3
A life lesson 24 years in the making, but suddenly today all those moments filled with pain or struggle or confusion made perfect sense. Every bit of my life had been leading me up to today, and I wouldn't have changed a single thing.
So loved. So grateful.
XOXO
I remember at the beginning of the year the shooting happened at the elementary school in America. At the time I said I didn't understand how those teachers could just throw themselves in front of their students knowing the very likely could die trying to save them.
But that was nine months ago. Today? I would do absolutely anything for even just one of them. I love and adore the crap out my kids!! Suddenly all those late night car ride conversations with my mom made sense today. She always told me there was a reason I was learning so many difficult and painful lessons so early in life... And now I see the wisdom in that.
I had the most amazing day watching the festival, and then just hanging out with my kids and talking, giggling and taking pictures with them! <3 It sounds so simple, but the love with which each one spoke to me, knowing that it might be our last day ever seeing each other after such a wonderful year... It was something I had never experienced before.
The sweetest and most heart wrenching part of the day was definitely the last five minutes of the school day when I had to say goodbye to my favorite 3rd graders. :( Lucy, Sophie and Alberto all started to cry a little bit, and I had to hug them really tight and run out of the room before they saw me start to cry, too. <3
I can honestly say I've never felt so loved by so many souls as I felt today. Today was a changing point in my self perception. Never again will I be able to feel utterly worthless or like I'm not doing my tiny part to make the world a better place. These 250 little souls made me realize that I am important and I can be utterly loved and adored just for who I am. <3
A life lesson 24 years in the making, but suddenly today all those moments filled with pain or struggle or confusion made perfect sense. Every bit of my life had been leading me up to today, and I wouldn't have changed a single thing.
So loved. So grateful.
XOXO
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Day 294: More Rehearsal
Today was the final rehearsal for the West Side Story/Festival! Spending this last week working on this with Laura and the kids has been the best possible way I could have wrapped up my time here at this school after such a wonderful experience. ^_^ Rehearsals have been so much fun and it's been cool to feel like I'm partly in charge of a big production for them and their families.
XOXO
XOXO
Day 293: Persoective.
My students love me. They see me for who I am. I show them love and sanguinity like no one else ever has. I've never felt so confident in just being me before. <3 They appreciate me specifically because I'm not like anybody else. And it's all completely mutual.
It's so much easier to see this when I'm not surrounded by my roommates who, just like many people in my past, have made me feel the exact opposite. I need to stop thinking this is the norm and stop surrounding myself with people who make me feel like shit for being different.
What is it? A snake eating an elephant. :)
It's so much easier to see this when I'm not surrounded by my roommates who, just like many people in my past, have made me feel the exact opposite. I need to stop thinking this is the norm and stop surrounding myself with people who make me feel like shit for being different.
What is it? A snake eating an elephant. :)
Day 292: #angstoff
Reading my Bachis' tweets this first week has been so much fun! I have never gotten a chance to get to know them outside of the classroom, so seeing who they are outside of their uniforms is really intriguing. In class they always seem so happy and giddy, so the paramount observation I've made this week about them in the Twittersphere has come as a bit of a surprise... Kfter a week of reading their tweets, I've come to realize that 90% of the tweets are complaints. Complaints about love, about school, about parents, about themselves, etc. It shouldn't really have come as a surprise I suppose, as they are teenagers and teenagers have a certain amount of angst they must get through before they can get where they're going next... But what did really come as a surprise was how, after seeing their amount of complaining from an outside perspective, it started making me aware of how much I myself complain on a daily basis! >_< They're 16. They have an excuse. I'm 24. What's my excuse??
Clearly I need to shift my attention... So let's change things up and do a little gratitude:
Today I am grateful for...
1) Having the weekend all to myself. At first this made me nervous that I was going to feel lonely or depressed... But I forgot that was the old me. Hanging out in my favorite PJs listening to music and eating yummy food. Dancing around my room and stopping to write. Being at blissful peace with myself and adoring my own company. <3
2) The Of Monsters & Men concert on Monday! Hearing their music live and watching their adorable, authentic smiles while they sang their songs made me feel so optimistic and refreshed. Concerts have a way of sucking you in and out of your current story... They transcend life for a moment, and suddenly you are privy to one of those rare glimpses of the bigger picture. <3
3) Living in Spain and being surrounded by students who adore me for who I am.
Clearly I need to shift my attention... So let's change things up and do a little gratitude:
Today I am grateful for...
1) Having the weekend all to myself. At first this made me nervous that I was going to feel lonely or depressed... But I forgot that was the old me. Hanging out in my favorite PJs listening to music and eating yummy food. Dancing around my room and stopping to write. Being at blissful peace with myself and adoring my own company. <3
2) The Of Monsters & Men concert on Monday! Hearing their music live and watching their adorable, authentic smiles while they sang their songs made me feel so optimistic and refreshed. Concerts have a way of sucking you in and out of your current story... They transcend life for a moment, and suddenly you are privy to one of those rare glimpses of the bigger picture. <3
3) Living in Spain and being surrounded by students who adore me for who I am.
Day 291: Job Offer Revoked
During our lunch break from our nonstop rehearsing, I got the text message: my job offer to stay at CISTA for both the summer camp and for next year had been officially revoked. Deep down, I knew that was exactly what I wanted, but in the moment I couldn't help but become enraged. In general, horrible management is awful enough, but when it's management of a school that affects young little lives... Ugggggghhhhhhh I just want to SCREAM. How DARE this school not want me for next year. I had done a FABULOUS job this year: all of the kids had fallen in love with me and had learned a ton. Not to mention I'm one of two natives in the whole school who prides itself on it's bilingual English program! Ugh. How stupid do these people have to be to not BEG me to stay?!? Oooooooh I was SO angry.
But after taking twenty minutes to just fume about it by hiding in one of those corners of the school that I wouldn't be discovered in, I realized that this was the best that could have happened. Why should I want to work for a school that would do something like this?!? I shouldn't! And, anyway, I had no desire to work with kindergarteners. I was freed from having to feel like I had to walk on eggshells with people I didn't even respect, and I was freed from fearing this opportunity could turn into me getting "stuck" in an adult job.
By the late afternoon, my anger had turned into more of a sense of "Menos mal!" ;)
After school I had an interview for a summer camp (the timing couldn't have been any better!) with a really sweet guy who told me switching to a public school from a private school would be like a blissful dream and that I would be much happier from now on. :)
XOXO
But after taking twenty minutes to just fume about it by hiding in one of those corners of the school that I wouldn't be discovered in, I realized that this was the best that could have happened. Why should I want to work for a school that would do something like this?!? I shouldn't! And, anyway, I had no desire to work with kindergarteners. I was freed from having to feel like I had to walk on eggshells with people I didn't even respect, and I was freed from fearing this opportunity could turn into me getting "stuck" in an adult job.
By the late afternoon, my anger had turned into more of a sense of "Menos mal!" ;)
After school I had an interview for a summer camp (the timing couldn't have been any better!) with a really sweet guy who told me switching to a public school from a private school would be like a blissful dream and that I would be much happier from now on. :)
XOXO
Day 290: West Side Story & Roller Skating
And then Laura was put in charge of the school play and she asked me to be her co-director!! ^_^ Awesome!!! We got to go rehearse with all of the kids and block all of the scenes and try to teach these poor people how to ACT instead of just regurgitate the script from memory. I mean, okay... I give them some credit, considering the whole play is in their second language. But jeeze Louise, people! Needless to say, I had a GREAT time practicing with them! Tee hee... All of those years of taking acting classes as a child finally paid off and I was crazily doing each of their parts to try to show them how looking like a crazy person and going over the top was actually finally a GOOD THING, rather than something that would get all of their teachings slamming books on the blackboard and yelling at them for. :) Haha.
The coolest part of the day was deciding that we should get some of the first graders in one of the scenes that has school children fighting. I got to pick my favorite first graders and teach them their lines and what to do in the scene. As it turned out, they were way better at it all than the older students and had the lines memorized in five minutes and loved getting to shout and run around on cue. Haha! So cute!
After a day of rehearsal, I had my last "class" with Mr. Nacho Man. His dad picked us up and we went out for ice cream and roller skating! ^_^ Awesome! While he roller skated around the plaza, his dad and I had a Fanta and just talked. When Nacho would skate by he'd talk to his dad in Spnish and then to me in English. The sheer impressiveness of that could never, ever get old. Damn. Especially considering how our first few classes he sat there, sometimes crying, but always silent. I remember that first class in which we played Smurf Parchezi and he did magic tricks for me... All without saying a SINGLE WORD. The next few weeks were spent drawing, during which I'd talk to him but he'd only shake his head yes or no. And then the breaking point, where he tried to baracade me in the kitchen using all of his stuffed animals, and when I started throwing them back, yelling the animal's name, he started giggling and throwing them back at me, also using their names... In English, too! And that was the moment we became friends. ^_^
But to realize that was only eight months ago and that today he had absolutely no problem communicating with me in English about whatever it was he wanted to say... It's just ridiculously incredible. Coolest 7 year old ever. <3
XOXO
The coolest part of the day was deciding that we should get some of the first graders in one of the scenes that has school children fighting. I got to pick my favorite first graders and teach them their lines and what to do in the scene. As it turned out, they were way better at it all than the older students and had the lines memorized in five minutes and loved getting to shout and run around on cue. Haha! So cute!
After a day of rehearsal, I had my last "class" with Mr. Nacho Man. His dad picked us up and we went out for ice cream and roller skating! ^_^ Awesome! While he roller skated around the plaza, his dad and I had a Fanta and just talked. When Nacho would skate by he'd talk to his dad in Spnish and then to me in English. The sheer impressiveness of that could never, ever get old. Damn. Especially considering how our first few classes he sat there, sometimes crying, but always silent. I remember that first class in which we played Smurf Parchezi and he did magic tricks for me... All without saying a SINGLE WORD. The next few weeks were spent drawing, during which I'd talk to him but he'd only shake his head yes or no. And then the breaking point, where he tried to baracade me in the kitchen using all of his stuffed animals, and when I started throwing them back, yelling the animal's name, he started giggling and throwing them back at me, also using their names... In English, too! And that was the moment we became friends. ^_^
But to realize that was only eight months ago and that today he had absolutely no problem communicating with me in English about whatever it was he wanted to say... It's just ridiculously incredible. Coolest 7 year old ever. <3
XOXO
Day 289: A Small Reflection
A few Wednesday thoughts...
Sometimes I forget I have five tattoos. I never strike myself as cool enough to have five tattoos. But I know that's how my students see me.
I'm older now than Conor was when he was murdered. That's really weird to think about.
The more angsty teenage tweets I read, the more I realize that I still complain more than is rational. Being a teenage girl and complaining about everything is one thing, being a 24 year old independent young woman and complaining is a completely different thing. Maybe I should work on that. Complaining is such a waste of potential energy. I know better than this.
I never realized how well I can relate and understand people younger than me until this year. It makes me think maybe I should have chosen a different career path? What if I could be the next Martin for some awesome kid or teenager that just needs to truly be listened to?
I hope that I honestly made a different in the lives and futures of some of the students who I've had this year who I can tell are really different and just get it... What if I didn't make them feel as special about being that way as I should have? What if I could have done more? I didn't want to ever come across as an authority figure, so I never told them how much I respected some of them... Instead, I tried to show it through how I treated them and spoke to them. I hope that was enough. I hope they can feel how much I adore them.
On the same note, so many of them have made me see myself in a whole different life than ever before. I no longer see what makes me so different as a negative, but as an incredible positive full of potential to help others and see things from a unique, creative perspective. I hope this epiphany sticks with me. I hope I don't go back to feeling like I'm so different that I'm not good enough for other people. My students have made me feel for the first time in my life that it's really just the opposite.
It's really hard to be this different. I don't think other people understand how lonely it can be. Many of the teachers treat me like I'm an alien and make fun of me in very slight ways. My roomies don't include me in anything and our only communication is them just backhandedly complain about me not washing my pans. And it's not like I want to be close to any of them - they're all so corrupted by the standard quo and it's repulsive in many respects to me - but I wish I didn't feel like a freak for not being like everybody else, and instead was celebrated for the bravery and confidence it takes to be this unique. It's not that they totally exclude me, it's that I want nothing to do with them... And that's a really uncomfortable feeling, too. Makes you wonder what's wrong with you.
Someday I'll figure that all out. Someday I will be surrounded by other different people who truly value that I'm not like the rest of the world. Someday. But until then, I'm so scared to have a whole summer without my students - the only ones who seems to get me and value me for being who I am.
I resent normal people. I resent that they can make me feel like there is something wrong with who I am because I'm not like them. They are the ones who should be ashamed. Not me. Not anymore.
I hope my students don't turn out to be normal people. I hope they stay like they are. I hope they don't let society mold them into another cookie cutter human being. But I'm sad knowing how hard it will be for them sometimes if they do succeed.
I don't want to let my students go, but I want a new life. I'm ready for a new chapter. I want to surround myself that people who see the uniqueness in me and respect it, not mock it.
XOXO
Sometimes I forget I have five tattoos. I never strike myself as cool enough to have five tattoos. But I know that's how my students see me.
I'm older now than Conor was when he was murdered. That's really weird to think about.
The more angsty teenage tweets I read, the more I realize that I still complain more than is rational. Being a teenage girl and complaining about everything is one thing, being a 24 year old independent young woman and complaining is a completely different thing. Maybe I should work on that. Complaining is such a waste of potential energy. I know better than this.
I never realized how well I can relate and understand people younger than me until this year. It makes me think maybe I should have chosen a different career path? What if I could be the next Martin for some awesome kid or teenager that just needs to truly be listened to?
I hope that I honestly made a different in the lives and futures of some of the students who I've had this year who I can tell are really different and just get it... What if I didn't make them feel as special about being that way as I should have? What if I could have done more? I didn't want to ever come across as an authority figure, so I never told them how much I respected some of them... Instead, I tried to show it through how I treated them and spoke to them. I hope that was enough. I hope they can feel how much I adore them.
On the same note, so many of them have made me see myself in a whole different life than ever before. I no longer see what makes me so different as a negative, but as an incredible positive full of potential to help others and see things from a unique, creative perspective. I hope this epiphany sticks with me. I hope I don't go back to feeling like I'm so different that I'm not good enough for other people. My students have made me feel for the first time in my life that it's really just the opposite.
It's really hard to be this different. I don't think other people understand how lonely it can be. Many of the teachers treat me like I'm an alien and make fun of me in very slight ways. My roomies don't include me in anything and our only communication is them just backhandedly complain about me not washing my pans. And it's not like I want to be close to any of them - they're all so corrupted by the standard quo and it's repulsive in many respects to me - but I wish I didn't feel like a freak for not being like everybody else, and instead was celebrated for the bravery and confidence it takes to be this unique. It's not that they totally exclude me, it's that I want nothing to do with them... And that's a really uncomfortable feeling, too. Makes you wonder what's wrong with you.
Someday I'll figure that all out. Someday I will be surrounded by other different people who truly value that I'm not like the rest of the world. Someday. But until then, I'm so scared to have a whole summer without my students - the only ones who seems to get me and value me for being who I am.
I resent normal people. I resent that they can make me feel like there is something wrong with who I am because I'm not like them. They are the ones who should be ashamed. Not me. Not anymore.
I hope my students don't turn out to be normal people. I hope they stay like they are. I hope they don't let society mold them into another cookie cutter human being. But I'm sad knowing how hard it will be for them sometimes if they do succeed.
I don't want to let my students go, but I want a new life. I'm ready for a new chapter. I want to surround myself that people who see the uniqueness in me and respect it, not mock it.
XOXO
Day 288: Last Class with 3rd Graders
Today was my last day with my third graders. :( :( :( While obviously no class could ever compare with my Bachis, this third grade class came in at a pretty close second. Alberto and Lucy and Lidia and Sophie!!! <3 <3 <3 I just ADORE these kids.
I had them fill out an evaluation of me, and every single kid gave me a 10 (well, a few gave me a million, and a few others infinity - teehee). They also made me adorable goodbye posters and gave me lots and lots of hugs. <3
These little guys have all managed to make me feel like somebody really special in a way nobody else ever has. Their big smiles and hugs and colorful notes to me and calling me "Taco Tuesday" and giggles... It's all just made me feel like a mini celebrity! Only, I adore them just as much back.
At the beginning of the year my goal was just to make all of my students feel comfortable speaking English and make them excited about it. Now that it's all said and done, I think I accidentally accomplished WAY more than just that. These kids don't just see me as a random adult from a country that is really far away who speaks a different language natively than them. No... Not at all.
They see me as their dear friend who they want to share their cookies with that their mom packed for them for a special snack... As their dear friend they practiced a Taylor Swift song and made up a dance to just to awe me... As their dear friend who they ask to please wear pretty colors on Tuesday because they like my bright clothes. ^_^
My initial exigency at the start of this whole adventure was based in giving back. L had had a native English speaker when she was younger who she had really adored and who had inspired her in part to become completely fluent in the language. Perhaps had she never had anybody like this, I would have never had the opportunity to meet her and then... well... my life would look NOTHING like it does now. I would have never heard of this program. I would have never returned to Spain. Everything would be different... And I quite adore the way my life is in this moment!
And so, I set out on this journey hoping that I could be that girl to just one of my students, in order to... I don't know... thank the Universe in some way, I suppose, and pay it forward.
But after all the hugs and drawings and notes and giggles and tears today -- just from 23 of the 250 students I have! -- I'm beginning to see that I way surpassed my original goal.
I remember all of my teachers fairly well starting from preschool on. Some of them I really liked and some of them not so much. But even the ones I adored I never cried when I left their class. I never made them fanciful multicolored notes of devotion with little cupcakes and giraffes drawn on them. I never did a song and dance to their favorite artist just to make them happy. I only gave very few nicknames, and even when I did, never called them it to their face! ;)
I know there's no real way to tell, but if today was any indication, I think I may have just positively influenced these little people in a way that will stick with them long into the future. <3 I know they certainly have had this affect on me, at least!
Before this year, I used to see teaching as a rather lowly profession - one for people who couldn't live in the "real world." Certainly there were the remarkable few who were beyond amazing... But many just seemed stuck in the whole education system that they just didn't know how to get out. I still feel this way to a degree. I still want one day to have a job "in the real world," but for now I really love this teaching thing. What other job gives you the possibly of supporting and adoring burgeoning minds and spirits? What other job makes you feel like the most loved celebrity on the whole planet (without all the drama of being an actual celebrity)?
I will never be certain how much I was able to positively influence these little people past just the time I had with them, but I am certain that their love and respect for me will stick with me for a very, very long time. <3
XOXO
I had them fill out an evaluation of me, and every single kid gave me a 10 (well, a few gave me a million, and a few others infinity - teehee). They also made me adorable goodbye posters and gave me lots and lots of hugs. <3
These little guys have all managed to make me feel like somebody really special in a way nobody else ever has. Their big smiles and hugs and colorful notes to me and calling me "Taco Tuesday" and giggles... It's all just made me feel like a mini celebrity! Only, I adore them just as much back.
At the beginning of the year my goal was just to make all of my students feel comfortable speaking English and make them excited about it. Now that it's all said and done, I think I accidentally accomplished WAY more than just that. These kids don't just see me as a random adult from a country that is really far away who speaks a different language natively than them. No... Not at all.
They see me as their dear friend who they want to share their cookies with that their mom packed for them for a special snack... As their dear friend they practiced a Taylor Swift song and made up a dance to just to awe me... As their dear friend who they ask to please wear pretty colors on Tuesday because they like my bright clothes. ^_^
My initial exigency at the start of this whole adventure was based in giving back. L had had a native English speaker when she was younger who she had really adored and who had inspired her in part to become completely fluent in the language. Perhaps had she never had anybody like this, I would have never had the opportunity to meet her and then... well... my life would look NOTHING like it does now. I would have never heard of this program. I would have never returned to Spain. Everything would be different... And I quite adore the way my life is in this moment!
And so, I set out on this journey hoping that I could be that girl to just one of my students, in order to... I don't know... thank the Universe in some way, I suppose, and pay it forward.
But after all the hugs and drawings and notes and giggles and tears today -- just from 23 of the 250 students I have! -- I'm beginning to see that I way surpassed my original goal.
I remember all of my teachers fairly well starting from preschool on. Some of them I really liked and some of them not so much. But even the ones I adored I never cried when I left their class. I never made them fanciful multicolored notes of devotion with little cupcakes and giraffes drawn on them. I never did a song and dance to their favorite artist just to make them happy. I only gave very few nicknames, and even when I did, never called them it to their face! ;)
I know there's no real way to tell, but if today was any indication, I think I may have just positively influenced these little people in a way that will stick with them long into the future. <3 I know they certainly have had this affect on me, at least!
Before this year, I used to see teaching as a rather lowly profession - one for people who couldn't live in the "real world." Certainly there were the remarkable few who were beyond amazing... But many just seemed stuck in the whole education system that they just didn't know how to get out. I still feel this way to a degree. I still want one day to have a job "in the real world," but for now I really love this teaching thing. What other job gives you the possibly of supporting and adoring burgeoning minds and spirits? What other job makes you feel like the most loved celebrity on the whole planet (without all the drama of being an actual celebrity)?
I will never be certain how much I was able to positively influence these little people past just the time I had with them, but I am certain that their love and respect for me will stick with me for a very, very long time. <3
XOXO
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Day 287: Bye Bye Bachi Party
This morning was the day Pineapple and I had been dreading for months... Our last Bachi class together. :( I had stayed up til two in the morning making them their paper plate awards and strawberry shortcake, so by the time I got to school, I was still pretty darn sleepy. I was doubly disoriented by the fact they weren't in their classroom, but in a different classroom upstairs. Maybe it was because it was a different room, maybe it was because it wasn't an official class, or maybe it was because I walked in too early... But I wasn't greeted one last time by all of them suddenly pushing back their chairs and standing to greet me with adorable little smiles on their faces and a cute little mumble of "Good morning, Chelsea!"
:-/
I still vividly remember that first hour on my first day at CISTA, walking into that room of Very Tall 11th graders, myself nervous as could be, and having them all suddenly jump up and greet me with expressions of wariness on their faces. I was completely freaked out by it, as I had never witnessed something like that before... And especially not something so formal done on my account! And the worst part was, I didn't know the magic words to make them sit back down...!!! I just kinda smiled sheepishly and said and awkward, "Um, hey..." and waited for the teacher to come in behind me and do something about these standing statues in front of me, eyeing me up and down.
As the year wore on, though, this little ritual became one of my most favorite moments each week. It was just so sweet and made me feel so ritzy titzy every time! And to have my favorite class of students i considered more like friends than people obviously below me made it all that much more amusing! True, I never really learned what the secret word was to make them sit back down... But eventually they knew my giggle meant, "Okay, I'm starting to feel awkward here... Please put your tushes back in your chairs." Now that I think about it, though... It wasn't just the respectful act of standing. That had obviously been drilled into them for years and they have to do it... No, the part that got me was Pineapple's look of authentic happiness and excitement each time, another's sheepish grin that always ended up in a knowing chuckle when I'd make one of my silly faces at him, another's professional demeanor he always had which quickly faded as soon as he sat down and began to talk about his weekend.
Man, if I'd only known that first day that this class would turn out to have some of the most awesome teenagers in it! I miss our classes together typing this... And I can't help but wonder if I'll ever have any student who even comes close to being as awesome as Pineapple or Favorite... or, for that matter, Fabulous or Picasso or Nacho or Lucille Ball or any of them. <3 Aww...
Anyway, the mini party was cute and my favorite part was when I gave each one a "lucky penny" and they all took it so seriously!!! So cute!!! All week long they'd take it out of their pocket right before and exam to show me they had it, or wrote about it on Twitter! Shows you how something that literally costs one cent can carry so much value. <3
At the end of class neither Pineapple nor I cried... Mostly because I knew I would see her and the rest soon. But knowing that it would be our last time together in that capacity made my heart quiver for just a moment.
There were a lot of things I loved about my experience at CISTA, but they were definitely the best part. Knowing every Monday morning I'd get to hang out with them for an hour always made getting up that first day of the school week so much easier.
I know I've said this a million times, but man do I love my Bachis. <3
XOXO
:-/
I still vividly remember that first hour on my first day at CISTA, walking into that room of Very Tall 11th graders, myself nervous as could be, and having them all suddenly jump up and greet me with expressions of wariness on their faces. I was completely freaked out by it, as I had never witnessed something like that before... And especially not something so formal done on my account! And the worst part was, I didn't know the magic words to make them sit back down...!!! I just kinda smiled sheepishly and said and awkward, "Um, hey..." and waited for the teacher to come in behind me and do something about these standing statues in front of me, eyeing me up and down.
As the year wore on, though, this little ritual became one of my most favorite moments each week. It was just so sweet and made me feel so ritzy titzy every time! And to have my favorite class of students i considered more like friends than people obviously below me made it all that much more amusing! True, I never really learned what the secret word was to make them sit back down... But eventually they knew my giggle meant, "Okay, I'm starting to feel awkward here... Please put your tushes back in your chairs." Now that I think about it, though... It wasn't just the respectful act of standing. That had obviously been drilled into them for years and they have to do it... No, the part that got me was Pineapple's look of authentic happiness and excitement each time, another's sheepish grin that always ended up in a knowing chuckle when I'd make one of my silly faces at him, another's professional demeanor he always had which quickly faded as soon as he sat down and began to talk about his weekend.
Man, if I'd only known that first day that this class would turn out to have some of the most awesome teenagers in it! I miss our classes together typing this... And I can't help but wonder if I'll ever have any student who even comes close to being as awesome as Pineapple or Favorite... or, for that matter, Fabulous or Picasso or Nacho or Lucille Ball or any of them. <3 Aww...
Anyway, the mini party was cute and my favorite part was when I gave each one a "lucky penny" and they all took it so seriously!!! So cute!!! All week long they'd take it out of their pocket right before and exam to show me they had it, or wrote about it on Twitter! Shows you how something that literally costs one cent can carry so much value. <3
At the end of class neither Pineapple nor I cried... Mostly because I knew I would see her and the rest soon. But knowing that it would be our last time together in that capacity made my heart quiver for just a moment.
There were a lot of things I loved about my experience at CISTA, but they were definitely the best part. Knowing every Monday morning I'd get to hang out with them for an hour always made getting up that first day of the school week so much easier.
I know I've said this a million times, but man do I love my Bachis. <3
XOXO
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Day 286: Arabic Baths & Picasso
I took Lili to the Arabic baths this morning after a nice breakfast of tortilla, churros with chocolate and fresh OJ in the Letters neighborhood.
Abby and I had planned to go together months ago, but after things between us got really weird and distant, I decided I wanted to go with somebody who I could feel comfortable around. After all, that is the point of the baths. To relax completely and let new, calm perspectives filled with truth envelop you as you wash away all of the negativity.
And it was all exactly what I needed.
Instead of seeing the future as a big, scary black hole that was sure to suck any self-love and self-confidence I had gained this year... I had a moment of clarity and saw it as an enticing and enchanting adventure down a rabbit hole on which I was about to embark at any moment. I needn't feel so out of control and doomed and lost. Maybe it would even be okay to see it as a beginning to something amazing.
During the baths, Lili turned to me suddenly and asked, "How is somebody as pretty and as fun as you single??" She looked at me with authentic curiosity and waited for a response. It was the first time anybody (besides some of my students - haha) had asked me such a thing and it actually made me feel really good. :)
After the baths and a massage, I got back to the lockers to change and found my phone filled with messages from people I'd been hoping to hear from! <3
After Lili left in the afternoon, I went over to Picasso's for our final class - a two hour one prepping for his English and Science finals. He was actually really excited to see me (you know you're a good teacher when a 9 year old is excited about spending two hours of his Sunday afternoon studying with you - JEEZE!!!). We had a lot of fun making his action figures part of a town hall meeting and in charge of various municipal services (this was what his test was to be on), and then went over the future tense with "going to." The whole time he kept using "will" and "won't", which I'd taught him a few weeks ago cuz he had been curious! :) I told him they were a secret and he couldn't use them, so it's his favorite structure to use now. Hahaha! It was sad it was our last real class, as he and I have established such an awesome relationship! :( His mom gave us ice cream Popsicles to celebrate the end of the private classes and we sat out on their terrace and chatted a little. :)
At night time I stayed up til 2:30am making my Bachis paper plate awards and stawberry shortcakes! ^_^ Love my Bachis.
XOXO
Abby and I had planned to go together months ago, but after things between us got really weird and distant, I decided I wanted to go with somebody who I could feel comfortable around. After all, that is the point of the baths. To relax completely and let new, calm perspectives filled with truth envelop you as you wash away all of the negativity.
And it was all exactly what I needed.
Instead of seeing the future as a big, scary black hole that was sure to suck any self-love and self-confidence I had gained this year... I had a moment of clarity and saw it as an enticing and enchanting adventure down a rabbit hole on which I was about to embark at any moment. I needn't feel so out of control and doomed and lost. Maybe it would even be okay to see it as a beginning to something amazing.
During the baths, Lili turned to me suddenly and asked, "How is somebody as pretty and as fun as you single??" She looked at me with authentic curiosity and waited for a response. It was the first time anybody (besides some of my students - haha) had asked me such a thing and it actually made me feel really good. :)
After the baths and a massage, I got back to the lockers to change and found my phone filled with messages from people I'd been hoping to hear from! <3
After Lili left in the afternoon, I went over to Picasso's for our final class - a two hour one prepping for his English and Science finals. He was actually really excited to see me (you know you're a good teacher when a 9 year old is excited about spending two hours of his Sunday afternoon studying with you - JEEZE!!!). We had a lot of fun making his action figures part of a town hall meeting and in charge of various municipal services (this was what his test was to be on), and then went over the future tense with "going to." The whole time he kept using "will" and "won't", which I'd taught him a few weeks ago cuz he had been curious! :) I told him they were a secret and he couldn't use them, so it's his favorite structure to use now. Hahaha! It was sad it was our last real class, as he and I have established such an awesome relationship! :( His mom gave us ice cream Popsicles to celebrate the end of the private classes and we sat out on their terrace and chatted a little. :)
At night time I stayed up til 2:30am making my Bachis paper plate awards and stawberry shortcakes! ^_^ Love my Bachis.
XOXO
Day 285: Lili & Retiro
Lili and I got up nice and late. We were in absolute no rush, and the only thing on our mind upon throwing on some clothes was food! As I hadn't eaten much in the past few days and was feeling uncharacteristically ravenous, I decided to ask if Lili would be interested in going to the restaurant under my apartment for some super delicious Spanish seafood paella. Her twinkling eyes were all the response I needed and within five minutes we were sitting on the terrace having a drink! The paella took its sweet time in getting to us, but it was WELL worth the wait! Paella and tinto de verano brunch FTW!!!!!
After our scrumptious meal, I took her on a mini tour of Alcala and we took our pictures in the most touristy spots before ultimately heading to the train station to go into Madrid. I'd asked her the night before if there was anything in particular she wanted to see and her response was simply that she wanted to have a fun, relaxed weekend! She said if there was anything I had wanted to do but hadn't had a friend to do it with, she'd be up for it.
Best guest response ever! I felt absolutely no pressure to run around and show her the famous sites, and instead got to really enjoy my time with her just hanging out. Upon arriving in the city, we immediately got a frozen yogurt, as the temperature was in the high 90s and poor Lili was melting! Next, I took her to Retiro where we rented a boat for 45 minutes and spent the time well crashing into other boats, giggling, snapping photos of each other and even recording a video of me singing "Row Row Row Your Boat"!!!!! ^_^ After our second frozen treat of the day, we spread out my picnic blanket and took a sunny siesta for an hour and a half!! Most relaxing afternoon I've ever spent in a park!
When we finally told each other we had to get up and stop being so lazy, I roused her by proposing a Starbucks frappucino and dress shopping at Desigual. Awesome. :) The cold drinks hit the spot, and Lili bought a really cute dress at Desigual (and I may have began to dangerously rekindle my love with the giant Callao store, too, after I tried dresses on just for the fun of it with her!).
It was already 9ish when we realized we were getting hungry for dinner, and we picked a random restaurant near Mercado San Miguel which turned out to be super delicious!!! We shared three tapas and some sangria and talked and talked. The best tapa we had was definitely the pork solomillo with Pedro Ximenez sauce... Oh my goodness. It's kinda like what I envision a dish called "Pork Marsala" would taste like; the brown sauce was almost maplesque, which made the meat very sweet and tender! Yummmmmmmy!!!
Although our original plan had been to go out dancing when we got home, a 45 minute train ride later and we were pooped. Between this and our fairly early Sunday morning ahead of us, we turned in earlier than normal people should, but it just made the overall day that much more rejuvenating!
XOXO
After our scrumptious meal, I took her on a mini tour of Alcala and we took our pictures in the most touristy spots before ultimately heading to the train station to go into Madrid. I'd asked her the night before if there was anything in particular she wanted to see and her response was simply that she wanted to have a fun, relaxed weekend! She said if there was anything I had wanted to do but hadn't had a friend to do it with, she'd be up for it.
Best guest response ever! I felt absolutely no pressure to run around and show her the famous sites, and instead got to really enjoy my time with her just hanging out. Upon arriving in the city, we immediately got a frozen yogurt, as the temperature was in the high 90s and poor Lili was melting! Next, I took her to Retiro where we rented a boat for 45 minutes and spent the time well crashing into other boats, giggling, snapping photos of each other and even recording a video of me singing "Row Row Row Your Boat"!!!!! ^_^ After our second frozen treat of the day, we spread out my picnic blanket and took a sunny siesta for an hour and a half!! Most relaxing afternoon I've ever spent in a park!
When we finally told each other we had to get up and stop being so lazy, I roused her by proposing a Starbucks frappucino and dress shopping at Desigual. Awesome. :) The cold drinks hit the spot, and Lili bought a really cute dress at Desigual (and I may have began to dangerously rekindle my love with the giant Callao store, too, after I tried dresses on just for the fun of it with her!).
It was already 9ish when we realized we were getting hungry for dinner, and we picked a random restaurant near Mercado San Miguel which turned out to be super delicious!!! We shared three tapas and some sangria and talked and talked. The best tapa we had was definitely the pork solomillo with Pedro Ximenez sauce... Oh my goodness. It's kinda like what I envision a dish called "Pork Marsala" would taste like; the brown sauce was almost maplesque, which made the meat very sweet and tender! Yummmmmmmy!!!
Although our original plan had been to go out dancing when we got home, a 45 minute train ride later and we were pooped. Between this and our fairly early Sunday morning ahead of us, we turned in earlier than normal people should, but it just made the overall day that much more rejuvenating!
XOXO
Day 284: Disappointed, Ashamed & Scared
Yeah, it is my fault. I know I am totally overreacting. But in this moment, all I can think about is...
I don't know where I belong. After my roomies leave (with whom I haven't even really had a relationship with in a month anyway), I don't really have anybody here. Once again, a whole year goes by and no new friends... How does this happen? I had a better year here than I had in Portland, but I really don't feel an overwhelming need to stay next year. Or even, necessarily, through the summer.
Today's letdown really kinda sucked the hope I was attempting to hold on to right out of the air. My mistake as usual for putting that much on one person - and a person I don't even know. But EFF.
And what is with this people analyzing me thing? B, L, H... And now this guy. What audacity - and yet they always make me feel like the one that has something wrong with me. What happened to my adoring high school boyfriends? Why haven't I felt like the super adored one since I was 17? Yeah, with Julia sometimes... But even there, there was always something I felt like I was in competition with.
Just as I was hoping I was over that. Just as I met a guy who I thought would be on an equal playing field as me... But don't worry, I don't have to prove anything to him. He's intrigued by me and can tell that I'm trying to overcompensate for feeling unlikable in the past. But I don't need to feel that way around him. He doesn't want the bullshit - he just wants to get to know me... Which is why our plan to hang out first was canceled and then he invited his best friend who he sees all the time. Which is why the conversation always goes to the emotionally unavailable girl he's obsessed with. Which is why he analyzes everything yet, besides the general "intriguing" comment, never really has anything overwhelmingly complimentary to say.
If I can't find anybody really serious for awhile, can I at least find somebody who adores me for who I am, and doesn't sit there and analyze me and tell me what's wrong with me (without judgement, of course - ugh)?! This is a little silly, but those few days in Dublin with the Brazilian twin...? He was so affectionate and amazed and respectful and sweet. He made things about me and not just himself. For those few days, I felt spoiled like a little princess.
That's what I want next. I want to be the girl they're boring all their other friends talking about, not the girl they're boring going on and on about these lameasses that don't even compare to me. I want to feel worshiped. I want to feel like how the girls who take Ryan Gosling's character always feel in those movies.
I'm done with people analyzing me. Judging me. Making me second guess myself. Making me feel like crap about myself. It makes me so upset. And I know they're not worth it. But attracting so many to me makes me feel like there must really BE something wrong with me... Otherwise I'd be getting the right ones?!
I want people who are smart, witty, creative, jet-set, bilingual, adventurous, funny, cuddly, sweet, affectionate, successful, respectful, attractive, emotionally competent... And, I want a person to worship me like a princess and adore me for exactly who I am... And be amazed by that girl everyday.
At the same time, my unrealistic and idealized expectations have got to stop. I need to start accepting people for who they are and not expecting anything out of them. I need to see them as complete little beings who just want to be loved themselves.
But I'm scared.
Right now, I know in a few days I'll be able to change my whole perspective on all of this. I'll see today as a great example of how I need to stop being and I will be grateful for the fun parts of making cupcakes and mini witty retorts and being called squishy and randomly hugged. I'll feel grateful for having randomly found such awesome people and I'll feel bad for placing such stupid expectations on them and will apologize for not accepting them for who they are and for underestimating my own value.
But I will only be able to do that after I go to school and feel all of the love and adoration from my students. Having 250 adoring souks really does wonders for a girl's self image! But what happens when they're all gone? When I never see them again? Will I still be able to love and adore myself this much???
XOXO
I don't know where I belong. After my roomies leave (with whom I haven't even really had a relationship with in a month anyway), I don't really have anybody here. Once again, a whole year goes by and no new friends... How does this happen? I had a better year here than I had in Portland, but I really don't feel an overwhelming need to stay next year. Or even, necessarily, through the summer.
Today's letdown really kinda sucked the hope I was attempting to hold on to right out of the air. My mistake as usual for putting that much on one person - and a person I don't even know. But EFF.
And what is with this people analyzing me thing? B, L, H... And now this guy. What audacity - and yet they always make me feel like the one that has something wrong with me. What happened to my adoring high school boyfriends? Why haven't I felt like the super adored one since I was 17? Yeah, with Julia sometimes... But even there, there was always something I felt like I was in competition with.
Just as I was hoping I was over that. Just as I met a guy who I thought would be on an equal playing field as me... But don't worry, I don't have to prove anything to him. He's intrigued by me and can tell that I'm trying to overcompensate for feeling unlikable in the past. But I don't need to feel that way around him. He doesn't want the bullshit - he just wants to get to know me... Which is why our plan to hang out first was canceled and then he invited his best friend who he sees all the time. Which is why the conversation always goes to the emotionally unavailable girl he's obsessed with. Which is why he analyzes everything yet, besides the general "intriguing" comment, never really has anything overwhelmingly complimentary to say.
If I can't find anybody really serious for awhile, can I at least find somebody who adores me for who I am, and doesn't sit there and analyze me and tell me what's wrong with me (without judgement, of course - ugh)?! This is a little silly, but those few days in Dublin with the Brazilian twin...? He was so affectionate and amazed and respectful and sweet. He made things about me and not just himself. For those few days, I felt spoiled like a little princess.
That's what I want next. I want to be the girl they're boring all their other friends talking about, not the girl they're boring going on and on about these lameasses that don't even compare to me. I want to feel worshiped. I want to feel like how the girls who take Ryan Gosling's character always feel in those movies.
I'm done with people analyzing me. Judging me. Making me second guess myself. Making me feel like crap about myself. It makes me so upset. And I know they're not worth it. But attracting so many to me makes me feel like there must really BE something wrong with me... Otherwise I'd be getting the right ones?!
I want people who are smart, witty, creative, jet-set, bilingual, adventurous, funny, cuddly, sweet, affectionate, successful, respectful, attractive, emotionally competent... And, I want a person to worship me like a princess and adore me for exactly who I am... And be amazed by that girl everyday.
At the same time, my unrealistic and idealized expectations have got to stop. I need to start accepting people for who they are and not expecting anything out of them. I need to see them as complete little beings who just want to be loved themselves.
But I'm scared.
Right now, I know in a few days I'll be able to change my whole perspective on all of this. I'll see today as a great example of how I need to stop being and I will be grateful for the fun parts of making cupcakes and mini witty retorts and being called squishy and randomly hugged. I'll feel grateful for having randomly found such awesome people and I'll feel bad for placing such stupid expectations on them and will apologize for not accepting them for who they are and for underestimating my own value.
But I will only be able to do that after I go to school and feel all of the love and adoration from my students. Having 250 adoring souks really does wonders for a girl's self image! But what happens when they're all gone? When I never see them again? Will I still be able to love and adore myself this much???
XOXO
Day 283: Shopping Spree
I only had two classes this morning, so I decided to leave school around noon and go on a shopping adventure. I wanted summer sandals and a new outfit. And that's exactly what I found! The sandals are absolutely unique and adorable, and the outfit is very pinup nautical - a look I've always hoped to be able to accomplish, but have never successfully been able to pull off - until today! *YES!!!*
I had a quick lunch at 100 Montaditos, where the lady at the register made em say my order instead of write it down on the order forms so that I actually had to practice Spanish. :) She was so excitable about it that she totally forgot to ask me to pay! ^_^ Sweet.
After my adventure, it was time to go to Nacho's for our class. Just as I turned on his street, so did he and he began shouting my name and ran over to me, happy as a clam. <3 Awww!!!
XOXO
I had a quick lunch at 100 Montaditos, where the lady at the register made em say my order instead of write it down on the order forms so that I actually had to practice Spanish. :) She was so excitable about it that she totally forgot to ask me to pay! ^_^ Sweet.
After my adventure, it was time to go to Nacho's for our class. Just as I turned on his street, so did he and he began shouting my name and ran over to me, happy as a clam. <3 Awww!!!
XOXO
Day 282: Poptarts & Convo Exchange
The day started out perfectly... aka... with my Bachis and all of the American sweets John had brought me! ^_^ I gave eveybody poptarts and gobstoppers peanut butter cups and (oddly most popular) warheads. They totally loved it and it was cute to see them all so happy! ^_^
...
And then I had the rude realization that my writing abilities have taken a nosedive since I became an English teacher. I've become so aware of my students' linguistic limitations that not only do subconsciously dumb down my speaking and writing in the classroom, but I've apparently been doing so out of the classroom for quite some time. It's gotten to the point that I use the most simple sentence structures possible, along with the most limited vocabulary I can and still get my meaning across - and I have NO CLUE that I am doing it.
Of course, it would be unfair to blame this solely on teaching, so I'm going to go ahead and blame it just a bit on Portland, too. I remember the day I returned to America and talked to J on the phone for the first time in months and how disturbed I was with the way she spoke. Her diction was nothing but colloquialisms and cuss words. But, just as I had sworn I wouldn't get a Midwestern accent after moving to Wisconsin for college and ended up with an accent that still comes out, despite leaving that area two years ago... By the end of my year in Portland, my speech was anything but eloquent. While it's certainly not as bad as it was while I was living there, it's not terribly refined and erudite, either.
...
After my lesson with Patty I headed over to the conversation exchange for the second week in a row! As soon as I got there I started talking with three kinda crazy Spanish girls, and then a little later found Erin, who found two really cool Spanish people to chat with! It was by far the most spontaneously social I've been in a minute, and I had so much fun! The two Spanish ladies said they'd keep in contact! ^_^ Awesome.
After the exchange, I walked with A and Erin through the city, listening in to their conversation. I felt a little thirdwheely, but I was enjoying myself at the same time. Hearing a guy be so obsessed with a girl is a weird thing to listen to. Usually, it seems to me, it's the other way around. But not with this guy. Even more strange is the fact that he seems so different from the average person... Like he should be above that sort of thing. But he explained he wanted an independent girl who wouldn't just roll over and give him what he wanted, but that he would have to work for
:-/
It sounded like very adolescent to me... And I was reminded of that quote: "You accept the love you think you deserve." Why somebody like him wouldn't have enough self confidence to accept nothing short of an adoring significant other was beyond me. But then again... It's been a moment since I had one, myself, I suppose? Still, it was very revealing to see a GUY in that position and see just how ridiculous it looks.
Note to self: stop valuing people who see you as anything less than extraordinary (if I followed this, the only people I'd ever value would be my students and a handful of friends and family... But maybe that's more than enough?)!
Having a reflection of myself in relationships standing right in front of me in that glowing light of the street ads at 1 in the morning at Plaza Cibeles certainly was a bit jarring. I don't want to be like that anymore. What a waste... :-/
Everything was made a little better, though, when he blew me a kiss goodnight as I walked down the steps to the metro. A girl can pretend life is just as it should be for a few minutes at a time. ;)
XOXO
...
And then I had the rude realization that my writing abilities have taken a nosedive since I became an English teacher. I've become so aware of my students' linguistic limitations that not only do subconsciously dumb down my speaking and writing in the classroom, but I've apparently been doing so out of the classroom for quite some time. It's gotten to the point that I use the most simple sentence structures possible, along with the most limited vocabulary I can and still get my meaning across - and I have NO CLUE that I am doing it.
Of course, it would be unfair to blame this solely on teaching, so I'm going to go ahead and blame it just a bit on Portland, too. I remember the day I returned to America and talked to J on the phone for the first time in months and how disturbed I was with the way she spoke. Her diction was nothing but colloquialisms and cuss words. But, just as I had sworn I wouldn't get a Midwestern accent after moving to Wisconsin for college and ended up with an accent that still comes out, despite leaving that area two years ago... By the end of my year in Portland, my speech was anything but eloquent. While it's certainly not as bad as it was while I was living there, it's not terribly refined and erudite, either.
...
After my lesson with Patty I headed over to the conversation exchange for the second week in a row! As soon as I got there I started talking with three kinda crazy Spanish girls, and then a little later found Erin, who found two really cool Spanish people to chat with! It was by far the most spontaneously social I've been in a minute, and I had so much fun! The two Spanish ladies said they'd keep in contact! ^_^ Awesome.
After the exchange, I walked with A and Erin through the city, listening in to their conversation. I felt a little thirdwheely, but I was enjoying myself at the same time. Hearing a guy be so obsessed with a girl is a weird thing to listen to. Usually, it seems to me, it's the other way around. But not with this guy. Even more strange is the fact that he seems so different from the average person... Like he should be above that sort of thing. But he explained he wanted an independent girl who wouldn't just roll over and give him what he wanted, but that he would have to work for
:-/
It sounded like very adolescent to me... And I was reminded of that quote: "You accept the love you think you deserve." Why somebody like him wouldn't have enough self confidence to accept nothing short of an adoring significant other was beyond me. But then again... It's been a moment since I had one, myself, I suppose? Still, it was very revealing to see a GUY in that position and see just how ridiculous it looks.
Note to self: stop valuing people who see you as anything less than extraordinary (if I followed this, the only people I'd ever value would be my students and a handful of friends and family... But maybe that's more than enough?)!
Having a reflection of myself in relationships standing right in front of me in that glowing light of the street ads at 1 in the morning at Plaza Cibeles certainly was a bit jarring. I don't want to be like that anymore. What a waste... :-/
Everything was made a little better, though, when he blew me a kiss goodnight as I walked down the steps to the metro. A girl can pretend life is just as it should be for a few minutes at a time. ;)
XOXO
Day 281: ^_^
I will never ever underestimate the power of a late night Skype & Wine date with my best friend again! All day long I felt so happy and reassured. :)
Day 280: Bachi Classtime Stolen (ugh!!!!) & Woody (yay!!!!)
I woke up fifteen minutes earlier than I normally would because I had two things I needed to look a little better than usual for today: my penultimate class with my beloved Bachis and a cupcake cooking fest with my newest friend. After a seriously depressing weekend, I was hoping that the combo of these two things would bring me back to my sanguine self.
I put on my new, cutest outfit, sprayed some volumizer in my hair and put a little eyeliner on. I still was feeling pretty low, but I was ready and willing to finally get out of my slump.
So when I'd barely made it through the door and saw tears filling Ms. Pineapple's eyes, I knew my grand plan wasn't off to a good start. When I asked her what was wrong, she stammered that they had an exam and my class was canceled.
Holy shit it was a good thing the exam was for my favorite high school teacher at that school - because had it been one of the teachers I despise... I swear I would have lost it. I tried to look nonchalant when I turned around and left the classroom, but I was spitting out every cuss word I could think of as I walked up the stairs and back to the teachers' office. Stealing the penultimate hour I had with my Bachis?! How fucking DARE these people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't they know how my Bachis are the single thing that makes my Mondays worth waking up for?!!??!??!??!?!?!?! UGH!
When I got to Laura's class second period and she asked how I was in the hall before class, I let it all out. Every "fuck this shit" I had pent up all weekend long came gushing out of me as she gently nodded her head (slightly bemused at my string of cuss words being unleashed just outside the 2nd grade classroom). After my crazy verbal tirade, I felt a little better knowing another adult in that building understood me and was there to listen and sincerely agree. <3 You always need that one person at your job that you can just be real with, and I'm so glad I have her!
The rest of the day was equally as shitty, really. I felt hopeless and depressed and, more that than, pissed. I hate when I feel like others have control over my life. Hate hate hate it. After all, that's the reason I first went to my Life Coach, and have studied so hard to learn how to always be in charge of my own destiny. But sometimes, you just have to stop being so logical and in control... Sometimes, sometimes a girl just really needs to take a few days to just roll around in the bullshit that is feeling stressed and hopeless and taken advantage of and out of control and, well, screwed. There is something oddly freeing about giving yourself a few days to just react like a normal person.
It's like watching TV in Spain - you know you CAN understand all the shows in Spanish if you tried just a little, but sometimes you just want the show to be in English darnit. Your brain just wants some time off. Eff it. But the thing is, the longer you watch TV in English, the harder it becomes to switch it back to Spanish, even though days ago it was so effortless you didn't even realize you were doing it.
I knew I needed something reasonably big to get me out of this funk, but it wasn't until Woody asked if I would like to have a Skype & Wine date that I figured out what that something might be!
We talked and talked for hours, giggling and drinking wine the whole time. It was so so so so so amazing to really talk to my best friend for the first time in months. He just understands me like nobody else could. He's been there through all of my high school shit. All of my college shit. All of my relationship shit. Everything. And he still thinks the world of me. <3 I'm still his Lil Chubby Doll. <3 He, more than anybody else, can make me go from self hatred, anxiety and depression to giggling and joking around and adoring myself in mere minutes. That is some potent and incredible superpower, and I am so so so grateful that after eight whole years, we are still each others bestest friend. <3
Funk overcome! FTW!
XOXO
I put on my new, cutest outfit, sprayed some volumizer in my hair and put a little eyeliner on. I still was feeling pretty low, but I was ready and willing to finally get out of my slump.
So when I'd barely made it through the door and saw tears filling Ms. Pineapple's eyes, I knew my grand plan wasn't off to a good start. When I asked her what was wrong, she stammered that they had an exam and my class was canceled.
Holy shit it was a good thing the exam was for my favorite high school teacher at that school - because had it been one of the teachers I despise... I swear I would have lost it. I tried to look nonchalant when I turned around and left the classroom, but I was spitting out every cuss word I could think of as I walked up the stairs and back to the teachers' office. Stealing the penultimate hour I had with my Bachis?! How fucking DARE these people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't they know how my Bachis are the single thing that makes my Mondays worth waking up for?!!??!??!??!?!?!?! UGH!
When I got to Laura's class second period and she asked how I was in the hall before class, I let it all out. Every "fuck this shit" I had pent up all weekend long came gushing out of me as she gently nodded her head (slightly bemused at my string of cuss words being unleashed just outside the 2nd grade classroom). After my crazy verbal tirade, I felt a little better knowing another adult in that building understood me and was there to listen and sincerely agree. <3 You always need that one person at your job that you can just be real with, and I'm so glad I have her!
The rest of the day was equally as shitty, really. I felt hopeless and depressed and, more that than, pissed. I hate when I feel like others have control over my life. Hate hate hate it. After all, that's the reason I first went to my Life Coach, and have studied so hard to learn how to always be in charge of my own destiny. But sometimes, you just have to stop being so logical and in control... Sometimes, sometimes a girl just really needs to take a few days to just roll around in the bullshit that is feeling stressed and hopeless and taken advantage of and out of control and, well, screwed. There is something oddly freeing about giving yourself a few days to just react like a normal person.
It's like watching TV in Spain - you know you CAN understand all the shows in Spanish if you tried just a little, but sometimes you just want the show to be in English darnit. Your brain just wants some time off. Eff it. But the thing is, the longer you watch TV in English, the harder it becomes to switch it back to Spanish, even though days ago it was so effortless you didn't even realize you were doing it.
I knew I needed something reasonably big to get me out of this funk, but it wasn't until Woody asked if I would like to have a Skype & Wine date that I figured out what that something might be!
We talked and talked for hours, giggling and drinking wine the whole time. It was so so so so so amazing to really talk to my best friend for the first time in months. He just understands me like nobody else could. He's been there through all of my high school shit. All of my college shit. All of my relationship shit. Everything. And he still thinks the world of me. <3 I'm still his Lil Chubby Doll. <3 He, more than anybody else, can make me go from self hatred, anxiety and depression to giggling and joking around and adoring myself in mere minutes. That is some potent and incredible superpower, and I am so so so grateful that after eight whole years, we are still each others bestest friend. <3
Funk overcome! FTW!
XOXO
Day 279: Broth of Depression
Sometimes, you just need a day where you feel like everything has totally fallen apart. Sometimes, feeling lost and hopeless is exactly what you need. A little time off from the optimism and the bliss to sink into a dark place of fear, anxiety and anger. It may not look rational to outsiders, but those angsty teenagesque days can sometimes be exactly what a girl needs.
Today was one of those "sometimes."
The broth of depression bubbled listlessly yet interminably. I stewed in it all day long. It smelled of resignation and resentfulness.
"If I were really a good teacher, they'd be begging me to stay. Begging. If I really were a good teacher, I wouldn't be worried about not having a job this summer. If I were really a good teacher I wouldn't feel so expendable and taken advantage of... But eff that! I am a good teacher! My kids love me and they learn a ton! I am a good teacher! The people in charge just have no idea. And how would they? They've never watched my classes. They never ask students' opinions. They don't give a flying F about the students. All they care about is their self pride and the money. How the hell did people like this get put in charge of something so delicate and important as children's education, well being and futures?!?!?! Is this what the real world is always going to be like? Idiots getting final say in my future and the future of these little children I adore?! Is this it?? Will my whole life hang on the uninformed decisions of dolts with self esteem issues?! Eff that. But what if it's not just that they're stupid. What if there is really something WRONG with me? With who I am? I know my kids love me, but most of the teachers stare at me funny and my roomies have altogether just stopped realizing I exist. I love my kids because they understand me, but what if people over 17 never will? What if I never find an apartment because I'm too strange and what if I get a shit job because I'm too strange and what if I never have good friends because nobody gets me? Maybe this whole traveling thing is a mistake. Maybe this whole teaching thing won't work out for me. Maybe learning languages has been a waste of time. But if I don't have travel, or teaching, or languages... Shit, what do I have?! Nothing. I have no plan b. I have no adoring friends in one city to run home to. I have no real, solid home base. J has been my version of a home base for 5 years, and I don't even have that to run back to anymore. I am SOL in a foreign country with no friends, no apartment, no job for four months, little money and passions that seem to currently be screwing me over. Effing awesome. How could I feel so great about myself just days ago, and now feel like the biggest, most insignificant and unwanted mess ever??? No wonder nobody wants to employ me or hang out with me or give me an apartment!!!!"
No matter how much the little voice in me told me I was just being a drama queen, that drama queen would not relinquish the stage and she PWNED it. See, nobody really listens to that little teenage drama queen inside of me anymore. A healthy combination of independence, adventure, love, tenacity and life coach studies makes the drama queen just look like a tiny kitten who is trying to let out a big lion RAWR of drama, but instead comes across as a sweet little scared creature who just needs a little love and understanding. But I cannot explain how liberating it felt to give that angsty drama queen a stage for the day. Something about brewing in the depression made me feel more alive and more authentic. I felt like I was acknowledging a part of myself I usually try to tuck away, and that felt so good, in a counterintuitive way.
XOXO
Today was one of those "sometimes."
The broth of depression bubbled listlessly yet interminably. I stewed in it all day long. It smelled of resignation and resentfulness.
"If I were really a good teacher, they'd be begging me to stay. Begging. If I really were a good teacher, I wouldn't be worried about not having a job this summer. If I were really a good teacher I wouldn't feel so expendable and taken advantage of... But eff that! I am a good teacher! My kids love me and they learn a ton! I am a good teacher! The people in charge just have no idea. And how would they? They've never watched my classes. They never ask students' opinions. They don't give a flying F about the students. All they care about is their self pride and the money. How the hell did people like this get put in charge of something so delicate and important as children's education, well being and futures?!?!?! Is this what the real world is always going to be like? Idiots getting final say in my future and the future of these little children I adore?! Is this it?? Will my whole life hang on the uninformed decisions of dolts with self esteem issues?! Eff that. But what if it's not just that they're stupid. What if there is really something WRONG with me? With who I am? I know my kids love me, but most of the teachers stare at me funny and my roomies have altogether just stopped realizing I exist. I love my kids because they understand me, but what if people over 17 never will? What if I never find an apartment because I'm too strange and what if I get a shit job because I'm too strange and what if I never have good friends because nobody gets me? Maybe this whole traveling thing is a mistake. Maybe this whole teaching thing won't work out for me. Maybe learning languages has been a waste of time. But if I don't have travel, or teaching, or languages... Shit, what do I have?! Nothing. I have no plan b. I have no adoring friends in one city to run home to. I have no real, solid home base. J has been my version of a home base for 5 years, and I don't even have that to run back to anymore. I am SOL in a foreign country with no friends, no apartment, no job for four months, little money and passions that seem to currently be screwing me over. Effing awesome. How could I feel so great about myself just days ago, and now feel like the biggest, most insignificant and unwanted mess ever??? No wonder nobody wants to employ me or hang out with me or give me an apartment!!!!"
No matter how much the little voice in me told me I was just being a drama queen, that drama queen would not relinquish the stage and she PWNED it. See, nobody really listens to that little teenage drama queen inside of me anymore. A healthy combination of independence, adventure, love, tenacity and life coach studies makes the drama queen just look like a tiny kitten who is trying to let out a big lion RAWR of drama, but instead comes across as a sweet little scared creature who just needs a little love and understanding. But I cannot explain how liberating it felt to give that angsty drama queen a stage for the day. Something about brewing in the depression made me feel more alive and more authentic. I felt like I was acknowledging a part of myself I usually try to tuck away, and that felt so good, in a counterintuitive way.
XOXO
Day 278: Sushi Party
I mostly stayed in bed all day watching movies and being a lazy until it was time to get ready and go. I was out the door early enough to have an hour to window shop in Madrid (and get a really adorable floral summer scarf!) before heading to my sushi party with Patty and her family!! ^_^ Patty told me she'd teach me how to make sushi and have a dinner party in celebration of finishing my thesis, and tonight was the night!
I got to meet her neice and nephew, who were really adorable and spoke to me in English (aww), as well as her sister, who happens to be an English teacher and said she'd spread my résumé around to the schools she knew of for their summer camps (yay!). We spend the night drinking wine, talking in English and learning to make sushi! When we'd prepared everything, we sat down to dinner with Patty's parents. As it turned out, the sushi was actually really yummy! Second time I'd had sushi since arriving in Spain, and it was actually way better than the expensive place I went to last fall here. It made me miss Sakura and their sushi train in Portland, as well as Sodona's in Colorado... Oh... Sushi. <3
For dessert I made chocolate melting cakes, and Patty's dad even went to the corner store for some vanilla ice cream for them! Everybody LOVED them, and the kids kept telling their mom to get the recipe from me. Haha! Cute. I have to admit, of all of the times I've made them, these definitely turned out the best - they tasted exactly like my dad's... Yummy!
The night was really fun and it was cool to feel so welcome as an honorary member of their family for the night! <3
XOXO
I got to meet her neice and nephew, who were really adorable and spoke to me in English (aww), as well as her sister, who happens to be an English teacher and said she'd spread my résumé around to the schools she knew of for their summer camps (yay!). We spend the night drinking wine, talking in English and learning to make sushi! When we'd prepared everything, we sat down to dinner with Patty's parents. As it turned out, the sushi was actually really yummy! Second time I'd had sushi since arriving in Spain, and it was actually way better than the expensive place I went to last fall here. It made me miss Sakura and their sushi train in Portland, as well as Sodona's in Colorado... Oh... Sushi. <3
For dessert I made chocolate melting cakes, and Patty's dad even went to the corner store for some vanilla ice cream for them! Everybody LOVED them, and the kids kept telling their mom to get the recipe from me. Haha! Cute. I have to admit, of all of the times I've made them, these definitely turned out the best - they tasted exactly like my dad's... Yummy!
The night was really fun and it was cool to feel so welcome as an honorary member of their family for the night! <3
XOXO
Day 277: Field Day
Today at school was the Spanish equivalent to field day. All day students competed in mini events (soccer, hockey, basketball, relay races, swimming, etc.) against the other class in their grade. I was captain of one of the second grade teams, while Laura was captain of the other second grade team. It was really fun to do something divergent from the average school day, and getting to giggle and chat with Laura the whole time made it even better.
As ashamed as I am to say this, the silliest part of it all was probably how in each event, three kids always ended up in tears! Laura and I would bet on which kids would start to cry before each competition began and then cheer our teams on accordingly! And every single time, like clockwork, exactly three kids would burst out in tears during each event. One was injured, one scored a point for the other team, one ran too slow, one lost... It just went on and on. >_< Maybe we should have had a little more sympathy, but the more kids that started crying for taking things far too seriously, the more we couldn't contain our giggles! Oops... Bad teachers.
I left a little early from it all, as Fridays are half days for me, and went home and decided I would have a lazy afternoon and night. :) Sometimes, you just need to do nothing!
XOXO
As ashamed as I am to say this, the silliest part of it all was probably how in each event, three kids always ended up in tears! Laura and I would bet on which kids would start to cry before each competition began and then cheer our teams on accordingly! And every single time, like clockwork, exactly three kids would burst out in tears during each event. One was injured, one scored a point for the other team, one ran too slow, one lost... It just went on and on. >_< Maybe we should have had a little more sympathy, but the more kids that started crying for taking things far too seriously, the more we couldn't contain our giggles! Oops... Bad teachers.
I left a little early from it all, as Fridays are half days for me, and went home and decided I would have a lazy afternoon and night. :) Sometimes, you just need to do nothing!
XOXO
Day 276: John in Madrid
One's friend only comes to visit once every so often, and when that friend can only visit for 48 hours, it is important to spend as much time with them as possible - especially when they flew across an ocean just to see you! And it was for this reason that I decided to cancel my private classes and leave school around noon to hang out with John!
As soon as I got home I saw that the restaurant under my apartment had a BOGO deal on lunch, which meant a two course meal with beer for €5 per person. Hell. Yeah! After a lunch of "cocido" (think chicken noodle soup with garbanzo beans... Odd, I know) and some sort of paella made with macaroni instead of rice, we were off to the city to explore. It was really fun being the one to show John around for a change, because usually he is the one who is always taking me on crazy adventures! We didn't do anything to spectacular, but it was just fun having him in my city with me. :)
XOXO
As soon as I got home I saw that the restaurant under my apartment had a BOGO deal on lunch, which meant a two course meal with beer for €5 per person. Hell. Yeah! After a lunch of "cocido" (think chicken noodle soup with garbanzo beans... Odd, I know) and some sort of paella made with macaroni instead of rice, we were off to the city to explore. It was really fun being the one to show John around for a change, because usually he is the one who is always taking me on crazy adventures! We didn't do anything to spectacular, but it was just fun having him in my city with me. :)
XOXO
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Day 275: John!
When I came home, John was sitting on my couch, waiting for me!!! ^_^ Airplanes are just so magical, my goodness! He´d arrived at my apartment at 11:30 in the morning and had been sitting there, doing work and waiting for me. I took two seconds to drop some of my stuff and we were out the door and on the train into the city!
We only had two hours before my lesson with Patty, but in those two hours I managed to take him to Mercado San Miguel for a vermouth and olives, around Plaza Mayor and Sol, up Gran Via and to 100 Montadidos for a snack (which accidentally turned into our breakfast, lunch and dinner for the day!). The whole time we spent chatting away and giggling, catching up on each others´ lives. It´s always cool to have those friends who you haven´t seen in a year (or two?? to be honest, I can´t actually even REMEMBER the last time I saw him?!?)... and, yet, it feels like you were just hanging out the other day! ^_^
He told me about his flying adventures and I told him about my teaching adventures. We shared notes on our recent travel adventures and giggled about memories from high school. Having a friend who´s known me so well walking the streets of the newest city I call home was surreal! :)
John came along to Patty´s class and sat there listening to us chit-chat and occassionally spoke up when we asked him a question or two. :) It was really cute to have him there - he´s one of those people you just know he´s not that into it, but he really wouldn´t want to be anywhere else in that moment. Haha!
After class neither of us were tired (jetlag for him, excitement for me), and so I headed to a bar my tightrope friend had told me to go to for a language exchange. I wasn´t sure it would still be going on, but when we got there it was packed! As I walked up to the place, I saw him standing in the door and notice me. He didn´t interrupt the conversation he was having abruptly by any means, but instead somehow smoothly went from talking to some guy to suddenly being right in front of me when I got to the counter.
Whoa.
Unsurprisingly, the night was lovely. At one point somebody asked John and me how long we´d known each other, and we were shocked to realize it´d been nine whole years! I told her how freaked I was when I met him, because he was a big, quiet guy with camo on... to which he immediately exclaimed that he was equally as freightened as I was, because he had no idea what to say to the cute new girl and didn´t want to mess things up the first day - hahaha!!! :) Cute!
XOXO
We only had two hours before my lesson with Patty, but in those two hours I managed to take him to Mercado San Miguel for a vermouth and olives, around Plaza Mayor and Sol, up Gran Via and to 100 Montadidos for a snack (which accidentally turned into our breakfast, lunch and dinner for the day!). The whole time we spent chatting away and giggling, catching up on each others´ lives. It´s always cool to have those friends who you haven´t seen in a year (or two?? to be honest, I can´t actually even REMEMBER the last time I saw him?!?)... and, yet, it feels like you were just hanging out the other day! ^_^
He told me about his flying adventures and I told him about my teaching adventures. We shared notes on our recent travel adventures and giggled about memories from high school. Having a friend who´s known me so well walking the streets of the newest city I call home was surreal! :)
John came along to Patty´s class and sat there listening to us chit-chat and occassionally spoke up when we asked him a question or two. :) It was really cute to have him there - he´s one of those people you just know he´s not that into it, but he really wouldn´t want to be anywhere else in that moment. Haha!
After class neither of us were tired (jetlag for him, excitement for me), and so I headed to a bar my tightrope friend had told me to go to for a language exchange. I wasn´t sure it would still be going on, but when we got there it was packed! As I walked up to the place, I saw him standing in the door and notice me. He didn´t interrupt the conversation he was having abruptly by any means, but instead somehow smoothly went from talking to some guy to suddenly being right in front of me when I got to the counter.
Whoa.
Unsurprisingly, the night was lovely. At one point somebody asked John and me how long we´d known each other, and we were shocked to realize it´d been nine whole years! I told her how freaked I was when I met him, because he was a big, quiet guy with camo on... to which he immediately exclaimed that he was equally as freightened as I was, because he had no idea what to say to the cute new girl and didn´t want to mess things up the first day - hahaha!!! :) Cute!
XOXO
Day 274: 1st Grade Games, Ham & Master Chef!
Today I accidentally came up with a great activity for the 1st graders; rather than making them do another pointless coloring sheet, I decided to branch out. While I was looking for games online, I found "Memory." And that's what sparked the epiphany. The primary teachers had begun to introduce the concept of past tense verbs the week before, but students hadn't had much of a chance to do anything with it. And so, I decided they would write the eight most used verbs in present tense and past simple on little pieces of paper... And then they would play "Memory" with them. Um, brilliant. I wasn't sure how it would go over with the 6 year olds, but I was hopeful.
What I didn't expect was the incredible success it turned out to be! The kids got really into creating their verb cards - writing the words, checking their own spelling, cutting - and couldn't wait to play the game! I kept points of the board of how many times each student successfully completed the game, and this really sent them into a tither! Most commonly used verbs in past simple? Yeah, memorized. Booyah!!!!!!! And no, the kids had NO idea they were learning ANYTHING. To me, THAT is the true marker of success. ;) They had so much fun they begged to take it home to play, and in Laura's 1st grade class, she even assigned playing the game with their parents as their homework!
Hell. Yeah. #Iamabamf
Anyway, after school it was Nacho time. His mom was on a field trip, so it was just him and his dad (whocouldbeJuanes'identicaltwinholycrap)! His dad brought the most delicious and freshly cut Spanish ham with those baby breadsticks for Nacho's snack... And when Nacho decided he was full, his dad let me eat the rest. OM NOM NOM NOM.
I tell ya, Spanish ham is really something you gotta get accustomed to... But when you do, and when I find some really quality ham? Best. Meat. Ever. It's so flavorful and succulent and rich and oily and perfect. Damn.
After Nacho's class I was prepared to leave, but the dad told me to stay and just give him a private lesson even though the mom wasn't there. And so I got paid to just hang out and talk to about whatever.
Sometimes, my job is surreal. You simply hang out and shoot the shit with cool people... and get money when you leave. o_O Sometimes I really question if these people should even be paying me, but then I realize, the ability I have to make "classes" seem so chill and fun is precisely what makes me a great conversation teacher. And that's when I decide this is kind of the definition of a dream job: having such a great time doing it that even if you weren't to ever get paid for it again, you'd still love it and do it just as much. ^_^ Sure, there are shitty days, but on the whole I feel so lucky! <3
Patty had to cancel class, so I spent the night watching Master Chef in Spanish with Marianna. :) Hahaha. The thing with watching a movie or TV in Spanish is that you need a five or ten minute language shift period. Once you have gotten through those first few minutes of straining your brain and mass confusion and frustration, a small breakthrough happens and after you watch the movie or program, you can't even remember if it was in English or Spanish... And boy is THAT feeling weird!!!!! It's not that I understand every single thing they say, but it's I've gotten really good at gathering the general idea at all times and if I just can't understand something, my mind just moves past it without a care. It's like a linguistic superpower which takes months and months of semi-immersion to cultivate and hone.
And that was my day. :) Not bad for a Tuesday!
XOXO
What I didn't expect was the incredible success it turned out to be! The kids got really into creating their verb cards - writing the words, checking their own spelling, cutting - and couldn't wait to play the game! I kept points of the board of how many times each student successfully completed the game, and this really sent them into a tither! Most commonly used verbs in past simple? Yeah, memorized. Booyah!!!!!!! And no, the kids had NO idea they were learning ANYTHING. To me, THAT is the true marker of success. ;) They had so much fun they begged to take it home to play, and in Laura's 1st grade class, she even assigned playing the game with their parents as their homework!
Hell. Yeah. #Iamabamf
Anyway, after school it was Nacho time. His mom was on a field trip, so it was just him and his dad (whocouldbeJuanes'identicaltwinholycrap)! His dad brought the most delicious and freshly cut Spanish ham with those baby breadsticks for Nacho's snack... And when Nacho decided he was full, his dad let me eat the rest. OM NOM NOM NOM.
I tell ya, Spanish ham is really something you gotta get accustomed to... But when you do, and when I find some really quality ham? Best. Meat. Ever. It's so flavorful and succulent and rich and oily and perfect. Damn.
After Nacho's class I was prepared to leave, but the dad told me to stay and just give him a private lesson even though the mom wasn't there. And so I got paid to just hang out and talk to about whatever.
Sometimes, my job is surreal. You simply hang out and shoot the shit with cool people... and get money when you leave. o_O Sometimes I really question if these people should even be paying me, but then I realize, the ability I have to make "classes" seem so chill and fun is precisely what makes me a great conversation teacher. And that's when I decide this is kind of the definition of a dream job: having such a great time doing it that even if you weren't to ever get paid for it again, you'd still love it and do it just as much. ^_^ Sure, there are shitty days, but on the whole I feel so lucky! <3
Patty had to cancel class, so I spent the night watching Master Chef in Spanish with Marianna. :) Hahaha. The thing with watching a movie or TV in Spanish is that you need a five or ten minute language shift period. Once you have gotten through those first few minutes of straining your brain and mass confusion and frustration, a small breakthrough happens and after you watch the movie or program, you can't even remember if it was in English or Spanish... And boy is THAT feeling weird!!!!! It's not that I understand every single thing they say, but it's I've gotten really good at gathering the general idea at all times and if I just can't understand something, my mind just moves past it without a care. It's like a linguistic superpower which takes months and months of semi-immersion to cultivate and hone.
And that was my day. :) Not bad for a Tuesday!
XOXO
Day 273: 7th Grade Successes
Today I tried something in my impossible 7th grade class. Today I called up students to bring their chair to the front of the room to be near me. I called them one at a time, and only called the people who were silent and I could tell were sincerely interested in learning. All year these poor kids had been screwed over by their immature and disrespectful peers and finally I decided to just give up on the others and pay attention to the good ones. I gave a really great thirty minute class on most common English mistakes for Spanish speakers and the kids asked questions and practiced.
My sole intention was to give a handful of kids some information that would truly change their everyday speaking and make them a step above the average English student from my year's worth of personal observations. I really didn't care about the other kids in the class. At all. They were free to yell and laugh and be their usual apathetic selves.
And so you can imagine my SHOCK when they all fell silent - and stayed that way. They were all listening INTENTLY at what I was telling the five or six kids at the front, even though I didn't even look up at them. It was the weirdest thing... You mean all I had to do this whole year was ignore them?!? What?!? By making an elite group in the class, suddenly everybody wanted to be in that elite group - and not because they were going to be punished in anyway, but simply because they personally had the desire.
O_o
I hope I will remember this next time I have an impossible class - but who knows if this was just a random fluke or not!? I don't want to have any more classes with these students than I need to, but I would be very interested to see if I can repeat the results I got from this little experiment today. ;)
XOXO
My sole intention was to give a handful of kids some information that would truly change their everyday speaking and make them a step above the average English student from my year's worth of personal observations. I really didn't care about the other kids in the class. At all. They were free to yell and laugh and be their usual apathetic selves.
And so you can imagine my SHOCK when they all fell silent - and stayed that way. They were all listening INTENTLY at what I was telling the five or six kids at the front, even though I didn't even look up at them. It was the weirdest thing... You mean all I had to do this whole year was ignore them?!? What?!? By making an elite group in the class, suddenly everybody wanted to be in that elite group - and not because they were going to be punished in anyway, but simply because they personally had the desire.
O_o
I hope I will remember this next time I have an impossible class - but who knows if this was just a random fluke or not!? I don't want to have any more classes with these students than I need to, but I would be very interested to see if I can repeat the results I got from this little experiment today. ;)
XOXO
Day 272: Sunny Sunday Stroll & My New Ring
By early afternoon I was strolling along some of the most chic streets of Madrid, not knowing how I´d found them, but being grateful I finally had. The sunshine warmed my short-short wearing legs and I may have strutted a bit with my big sunglasses on, blissful as can be to have a day to do whatever I pleased in one of my favorite cities with such perfect weather after such an amazing Saturday!!
I passed by adorable, classy cafes that I´d only dreamed existed in this city. I took pictures of gorgeous dresses and window displays of the hoity-toity shops. I snuck peeks at all of the impecabily dressed women only a few years older than me, with their stunning high heels and floral sundresses. I strutted down that street, pretending that I was one of them - minus the bank account and plus humble gratitute for the simple things in life. ;)
After an hour or two of this casual stroll, I ran into a neighborhood I´d been in my first day in Madrid two years ago and found a Tous shop open! I´d been not-so-secretly wanting a Tous ring since sometime in March, yet always found a way to resist. But today? Today, I told myself, was the day. I would celebrate the completion of my thesis and Master´s degree with a little, shiney present for myself. :) Because I love me. Sometimes possibly more than most people might find rational...
I walked in confidently (I never like being the only person in an exclusive type store - much less when I know I´ll have to speak in a foreign language) and took my time looking at all of the rings. When I found the one I´d been wanting, I let out a tiny squeal and quickly tried to regain my composure. I asked the lady to see it and as soon as I tried it on, I told her I´d take it! She wrapped it up in a cute little pink box with a bell and put it in an adorable pink bag. And just like that, I went from only having one tiny Tiffany & Co. ring on my hand to having two again! :)
When I make a relatively big purchase, I never do so just because. I always have a deeper reason behind it. And this time was no different. Back in 2011, the week before departing to Spain, I´d purchased my tiny Tiffany & Co. ring. I´d purchased it as a promise to myself to make every minute in Spain count and not to be scared and not to be sad about leaving J behind. I´d purchased it as a declaration of adaventure and self-love, even though I wasn´t feeling very adventurous nor self-confident in the slightest (as evidenced when I decided to pierce my lip the night before leaving for Spain!). For the first few weeks, I would look at my new little ring and try to imagine what my Spanish adventure would be like, and wonder if I would ever see J again and try not to totally lose it. I tried to repeat the words Eric had told me when we´d met up for drinks and I tried to believe in his wisdom when he smiled right before we parted ways and assured me it would be an amazing summer.
And, of course, it was. In fact, it was undoubtedly the BEST summer of my life.
So this new ring? This is the ring that proclaims that it´s okay to feel scared sometimes, but that everything will work out in mysterious ways and things will be even better than I could imagine. I purchased it almost exactly two years from the date I purchased my Tiffany ring and I feel like it retroactively answers the fears for which the first ring was purchased. It´s my way of going back to 22 year old Chelsea the week before her trip and whispering, ¨You are in for the biggest adventure of your life that will change EVERYTHING. It´s okay to be afraid, but know that you don´t need to be - not at all!¨
As it turned out, it was the perfect time to purchase this second ring, as Sunday was my last day of feeling this high of accomplishment and security for a little while. But all I have to do is look down at my hands and smile. I´ve been in the position of great fear of the unknown before - and what followed was breathtaking. I can be in this position again.
Bring it on.
XOXO
I passed by adorable, classy cafes that I´d only dreamed existed in this city. I took pictures of gorgeous dresses and window displays of the hoity-toity shops. I snuck peeks at all of the impecabily dressed women only a few years older than me, with their stunning high heels and floral sundresses. I strutted down that street, pretending that I was one of them - minus the bank account and plus humble gratitute for the simple things in life. ;)
After an hour or two of this casual stroll, I ran into a neighborhood I´d been in my first day in Madrid two years ago and found a Tous shop open! I´d been not-so-secretly wanting a Tous ring since sometime in March, yet always found a way to resist. But today? Today, I told myself, was the day. I would celebrate the completion of my thesis and Master´s degree with a little, shiney present for myself. :) Because I love me. Sometimes possibly more than most people might find rational...
I walked in confidently (I never like being the only person in an exclusive type store - much less when I know I´ll have to speak in a foreign language) and took my time looking at all of the rings. When I found the one I´d been wanting, I let out a tiny squeal and quickly tried to regain my composure. I asked the lady to see it and as soon as I tried it on, I told her I´d take it! She wrapped it up in a cute little pink box with a bell and put it in an adorable pink bag. And just like that, I went from only having one tiny Tiffany & Co. ring on my hand to having two again! :)
When I make a relatively big purchase, I never do so just because. I always have a deeper reason behind it. And this time was no different. Back in 2011, the week before departing to Spain, I´d purchased my tiny Tiffany & Co. ring. I´d purchased it as a promise to myself to make every minute in Spain count and not to be scared and not to be sad about leaving J behind. I´d purchased it as a declaration of adaventure and self-love, even though I wasn´t feeling very adventurous nor self-confident in the slightest (as evidenced when I decided to pierce my lip the night before leaving for Spain!). For the first few weeks, I would look at my new little ring and try to imagine what my Spanish adventure would be like, and wonder if I would ever see J again and try not to totally lose it. I tried to repeat the words Eric had told me when we´d met up for drinks and I tried to believe in his wisdom when he smiled right before we parted ways and assured me it would be an amazing summer.
And, of course, it was. In fact, it was undoubtedly the BEST summer of my life.
So this new ring? This is the ring that proclaims that it´s okay to feel scared sometimes, but that everything will work out in mysterious ways and things will be even better than I could imagine. I purchased it almost exactly two years from the date I purchased my Tiffany ring and I feel like it retroactively answers the fears for which the first ring was purchased. It´s my way of going back to 22 year old Chelsea the week before her trip and whispering, ¨You are in for the biggest adventure of your life that will change EVERYTHING. It´s okay to be afraid, but know that you don´t need to be - not at all!¨
As it turned out, it was the perfect time to purchase this second ring, as Sunday was my last day of feeling this high of accomplishment and security for a little while. But all I have to do is look down at my hands and smile. I´ve been in the position of great fear of the unknown before - and what followed was breathtaking. I can be in this position again.
Bring it on.
XOXO
Day 271: Wine, Picnic, Feijoada
This Saturday was the best Saturday. *punto pelota*
It began around 10:30 by Marianna´s voice waking me up as she sang, ¨I AM READY!!!¨ She was, of course, refering to the wine tasting that happens the first Saturday of every month at Casa de Campo. My roomies had gone a few times and always had a hoot, but I´d always managed to be busy. I´d told my friend about it the night before when we´d gone out for drinks, and she said she´d totally love to go... if we could wake up on time to get there before it closed at 3.
I rolled over and put a pillow over my head, groaning, as I listened to the three roomies getting their purses and shuffling out the door. I wanted to get up and go, too... but I wanted to stay in bed more. When ten minutes passed and I couldn´t fall back asleep, I reached for my iPad and looked at Facebook. There, in my notifications, was a picture from last night with a caption from my friend Mirium: ¨I am awake. Are you? Wine tasting?¨
And that was enough to pull me out of bed and into the shower. ^_^
A train ride and metro ride later, we met up around 1:15 and purchased our 2 euro wine glasses - which guaranteed us unlimited free wine tastings! WHAT A DEAL! ;) We tasted every wine that was there - TWICE. To be honest, they weren´t really that quality, but after the sixth or seventh tasting, you kinda forget to stop caring about that. ;) Besides wine, they also had cheese and honey vendors. As the event was wrapping up around 3pm, Mirium and I decided to buy a thing of really yummy sheep´s milk cheese, a jar of the best, most sweetest honey and a bottle of organic white wine. She explained she was to meet up with her friends later at a park across town and that we could do a little picnic! Adorable!
Usually, I´m kinda against meeting people. I always say I want new friends and want to go on adventures, but the idea of actually physically meeting new people makes me a little nauseous. I´m trying to get over it little by little, but the percentage of times that randomly meeting people has turned out to be a fantastic success from the start is dangerously low. Empirical data proves that I am one of those kinds of people that needs to warm up to others before I can be myself and likeable in the slightest. My mom claims this is my Virgo rising in my chart and that this is somehow a beneficial thing to myself as a whole, but I´ve yet to see the splendid benefits.
Anyway, I have to admit I wasn´t feeling my usual nerves, as I´d had just enough wine to feel like a generally plesant individual. Actually, I was kinda excited to spend the afternoon with unknown people! I figured any friend of Mirium had to be cool, because Mirium was one of the only cool people in my whole Master´s program, and the odds of cool people having cool friends is considerably high. ;) At least, that´s what my wine-o logic was telling me.
As we approached a guy waiting at their meeting spot, Mirium turned to me and under her breath whispered, ¨You´ll either hate him or you´ll love him,¨ before greeting him with a big smile and two kisses.
It was definitely one of those moments out of a movie, and instantly I could tell this was all about to be really fun. ;)
When the other two girls arrived, we all took a walk in the park, introducing ourselves and looking for a perfect place to... hang a SLACKLINE! WHAT?!? It was simultaneous the most hippie thing and most awesome thing I´d ever been informed I was about to do. I´d seen people one day outside of my dorm doing it, but past that, I didn´t really know it was a hobby. So when this guy produced one from his back, I was amused.
Five little Americans giggling, chatting and playing in a park while eating cheese, bread and honey and drinking wine. Perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon! After successfully crossing the slackline on my own and going back to the blanket to sit and watch some of them playing with a volleyball, I felt for the second time that I was in one of those really cheesy teenage movies. And I loved it. ;)
After the park we hit up a Portuguese pastry shop (I think?) and then went and had frozen yogurt - but it wasn´t all of the sweets that made the post-picnic so... enchanting. It was the non-stop banter and conversation. For every comment I made, he had an immediate, witty response. And for every comment he made, I occasionally actually had to think before responding. o_O When´s the last time THAT happened to me!? This guy had the witty sarcasm of a Brazilian, but the creative intelligence and depth to really back it up. Had I known people like that existed, I would have started actively looking for them years ago! >_<
It was truly one of those super rare encounters in one´s life where you meet somebody for the first time and realize they sort of... get you. It´s spectacular, yet unnerving. ;)
A little after nine I finally left my new friends and went out to dinner at a Brazilian restaurant to celebrate the completion of my thesis with a friend I hadn´t seen since my birthday. Feijoada, patatas palhas and guarana was a pretty awesome celebration dinner, too! ^_^
XOXO
It began around 10:30 by Marianna´s voice waking me up as she sang, ¨I AM READY!!!¨ She was, of course, refering to the wine tasting that happens the first Saturday of every month at Casa de Campo. My roomies had gone a few times and always had a hoot, but I´d always managed to be busy. I´d told my friend about it the night before when we´d gone out for drinks, and she said she´d totally love to go... if we could wake up on time to get there before it closed at 3.
I rolled over and put a pillow over my head, groaning, as I listened to the three roomies getting their purses and shuffling out the door. I wanted to get up and go, too... but I wanted to stay in bed more. When ten minutes passed and I couldn´t fall back asleep, I reached for my iPad and looked at Facebook. There, in my notifications, was a picture from last night with a caption from my friend Mirium: ¨I am awake. Are you? Wine tasting?¨
And that was enough to pull me out of bed and into the shower. ^_^
A train ride and metro ride later, we met up around 1:15 and purchased our 2 euro wine glasses - which guaranteed us unlimited free wine tastings! WHAT A DEAL! ;) We tasted every wine that was there - TWICE. To be honest, they weren´t really that quality, but after the sixth or seventh tasting, you kinda forget to stop caring about that. ;) Besides wine, they also had cheese and honey vendors. As the event was wrapping up around 3pm, Mirium and I decided to buy a thing of really yummy sheep´s milk cheese, a jar of the best, most sweetest honey and a bottle of organic white wine. She explained she was to meet up with her friends later at a park across town and that we could do a little picnic! Adorable!
Usually, I´m kinda against meeting people. I always say I want new friends and want to go on adventures, but the idea of actually physically meeting new people makes me a little nauseous. I´m trying to get over it little by little, but the percentage of times that randomly meeting people has turned out to be a fantastic success from the start is dangerously low. Empirical data proves that I am one of those kinds of people that needs to warm up to others before I can be myself and likeable in the slightest. My mom claims this is my Virgo rising in my chart and that this is somehow a beneficial thing to myself as a whole, but I´ve yet to see the splendid benefits.
Anyway, I have to admit I wasn´t feeling my usual nerves, as I´d had just enough wine to feel like a generally plesant individual. Actually, I was kinda excited to spend the afternoon with unknown people! I figured any friend of Mirium had to be cool, because Mirium was one of the only cool people in my whole Master´s program, and the odds of cool people having cool friends is considerably high. ;) At least, that´s what my wine-o logic was telling me.
As we approached a guy waiting at their meeting spot, Mirium turned to me and under her breath whispered, ¨You´ll either hate him or you´ll love him,¨ before greeting him with a big smile and two kisses.
It was definitely one of those moments out of a movie, and instantly I could tell this was all about to be really fun. ;)
When the other two girls arrived, we all took a walk in the park, introducing ourselves and looking for a perfect place to... hang a SLACKLINE! WHAT?!? It was simultaneous the most hippie thing and most awesome thing I´d ever been informed I was about to do. I´d seen people one day outside of my dorm doing it, but past that, I didn´t really know it was a hobby. So when this guy produced one from his back, I was amused.
Five little Americans giggling, chatting and playing in a park while eating cheese, bread and honey and drinking wine. Perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon! After successfully crossing the slackline on my own and going back to the blanket to sit and watch some of them playing with a volleyball, I felt for the second time that I was in one of those really cheesy teenage movies. And I loved it. ;)
After the park we hit up a Portuguese pastry shop (I think?) and then went and had frozen yogurt - but it wasn´t all of the sweets that made the post-picnic so... enchanting. It was the non-stop banter and conversation. For every comment I made, he had an immediate, witty response. And for every comment he made, I occasionally actually had to think before responding. o_O When´s the last time THAT happened to me!? This guy had the witty sarcasm of a Brazilian, but the creative intelligence and depth to really back it up. Had I known people like that existed, I would have started actively looking for them years ago! >_<
It was truly one of those super rare encounters in one´s life where you meet somebody for the first time and realize they sort of... get you. It´s spectacular, yet unnerving. ;)
A little after nine I finally left my new friends and went out to dinner at a Brazilian restaurant to celebrate the completion of my thesis with a friend I hadn´t seen since my birthday. Feijoada, patatas palhas and guarana was a pretty awesome celebration dinner, too! ^_^
XOXO
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Down the Rabbit Hole
*i will insert my thesis here at some point... after I edit it for the final time... whenever that will be... haha!*
Day 270: Thesising Marathon & Celebration
After a grand total of 1.5 hours of sleep the night before, I was not quite as pumped for the second half of the thesising marathon as I´d hoped to be. My writing was still pretty quality in the morning, but by late afternoon, I was decidedly less... lucid... and my words were struggling to surface. THAT is the worst feeling for a writer, I think. When you know there is a word that would fit perfectly in a sentence, but you just. cannot. find. it. >_< Sometimes when this happens I think I can literally feel the synapses in my brain trying to fire, but coming up with blocked pathways each and every time... and the more I think, the more my brain literally starts to hurt.
By 7:30 I HAD to be done. I easily could have taken a whole other day to do my citations better and to reword two parts whose paragraphs ended up falling onto the page more like toddler splatter paint than an impressionist work of art, but I had to quickly reformat it onto Abby´s computer (mine doens´t have Word, it has the free version) and stick it on a USB drive before the print shop closed! I ran to the print shop to have it printed and bound (¨encuadernar¨ has to be one of the tickliest words to say in Spanish!), and was delighted when I saw how THICK it turned out to be! The page requirement was 50 pages ¨more or less.¨ Mine? Mine was 101 pages! BOOYAH!
You know me... once I get typing about something I´m really passionate about, I just can´t stop. *shrug*
I went back home to have my roomies take a cute ¨I AM DONE!!!¨ picture of me and my baby thesis, and then put the document on a CD (as requested by my advisor). By the time it was done, I realized I had 7 minutes to RUN to the university and submit it by the deadline.
Running on 1.5 hours of sleep is... a challenge. That´s all I have to say about that.
But I MADE IT! YAY!
As I left the building, one of my most favorite girls from my program was running up to submit hers, too (ha, I wasn´t the latest one!). We were ridiculously delighted to see each other after sever months. :) When our director asked what we were going to do this weekend, we both responded in unison: ¨SLEEP.¨ And then my friend laughed and said, ¨Well, drink, too...¨ Haha. This propted her to ask me if I wanted to go out for a drink to celebrate! I said sure, despite being deliriously sleepy.
Five hours, two tintos de verano and three shots of Jack later... I was in all smiles. Depite being so tired, I had a great night talking and giggling and having a burger and drinks with her! We made tenative plans to meet up the next day for a wine tasting, and parted ways to go catch up our sleep!
Awesome ending to a stressful, thesis filled day!
XOXO
By 7:30 I HAD to be done. I easily could have taken a whole other day to do my citations better and to reword two parts whose paragraphs ended up falling onto the page more like toddler splatter paint than an impressionist work of art, but I had to quickly reformat it onto Abby´s computer (mine doens´t have Word, it has the free version) and stick it on a USB drive before the print shop closed! I ran to the print shop to have it printed and bound (¨encuadernar¨ has to be one of the tickliest words to say in Spanish!), and was delighted when I saw how THICK it turned out to be! The page requirement was 50 pages ¨more or less.¨ Mine? Mine was 101 pages! BOOYAH!
You know me... once I get typing about something I´m really passionate about, I just can´t stop. *shrug*
I went back home to have my roomies take a cute ¨I AM DONE!!!¨ picture of me and my baby thesis, and then put the document on a CD (as requested by my advisor). By the time it was done, I realized I had 7 minutes to RUN to the university and submit it by the deadline.
Running on 1.5 hours of sleep is... a challenge. That´s all I have to say about that.
But I MADE IT! YAY!
As I left the building, one of my most favorite girls from my program was running up to submit hers, too (ha, I wasn´t the latest one!). We were ridiculously delighted to see each other after sever months. :) When our director asked what we were going to do this weekend, we both responded in unison: ¨SLEEP.¨ And then my friend laughed and said, ¨Well, drink, too...¨ Haha. This propted her to ask me if I wanted to go out for a drink to celebrate! I said sure, despite being deliriously sleepy.
Five hours, two tintos de verano and three shots of Jack later... I was in all smiles. Depite being so tired, I had a great night talking and giggling and having a burger and drinks with her! We made tenative plans to meet up the next day for a wine tasting, and parted ways to go catch up our sleep!
Awesome ending to a stressful, thesis filled day!
XOXO
Day 269: Afghanistan & Pizza Party Study Party
After my last private class of the day I went straight to Pizza Hut and purchased a medium sized pizza with pineapple, mushrooms and corn. That´s right. Corn. I think it´s a Brazilian thing (?), but I´ve gotten really into it, thanks to only really eating pizza around Brazilians. Ha! Then, I went to a corner store and bought an orange Fanta and a dark chocolate ice cream bar.
To study - to really study and thesis and get work done - one must always be surrounded by yummy food. That´s something I´ve learned in my 20 years of formal education. ;o)
But before I began what turned out to be an all-nighter thesising pizza party, I had a very important Skype call to take. I walked in the door at 8:27. The Skype tone was ringing at 8:30. Talk about timeing!
My Skype call was with the director of the volunteer program I had written a week ago, and was to tell me more about the program and see if I was still interested. And after hearing more about it, I couldn´t properly express to the lady just how interested I was!
Basically, the program places English speakers with girls from Afghanistan through Skype, to have two, one hour English classes per week! The girls are all in high school or university and have studied English on their own, but have not gotten to have formal instruction in the language, but are extremely motivated to learn all that they can. They connect to Skype through a community center, which they have to have signed permission from their fathers to go to, as Afghan women are not traditionally allowed out of their homes for any reason. In fact, it is so against their culture thta they literally risk their lives to go to this center, to study, and to learn English, as men have been known to injure and sometimes kill girls who try to assert some sort of independence.
The program director went over some cultural differences with me, telling me that talking about things like dating or going out for a drink were against their religion, and so such topic should really be avoided. She went on to caution me about other cultural differences, and explained that the girls could get in a lot of trouble with their families if they were asked to talk about or write about many of these things.
The whole conversation, concept and opportunity was so enthralling and exciting that I felt like I was on a call in regards to a super secret covert mission!
At the end of the call, the director said she was very happy to have me on board as one of the 25 (only 25!) volunteers and would be pairing me up with an Afghan girl in the coming weeks to begin! YAY!!! I am way excited to have found such a wonderful sounded volunteer job and hope that I am really able to make a difference in the life of the girl with whom I am paired!
XOXO
To study - to really study and thesis and get work done - one must always be surrounded by yummy food. That´s something I´ve learned in my 20 years of formal education. ;o)
But before I began what turned out to be an all-nighter thesising pizza party, I had a very important Skype call to take. I walked in the door at 8:27. The Skype tone was ringing at 8:30. Talk about timeing!
My Skype call was with the director of the volunteer program I had written a week ago, and was to tell me more about the program and see if I was still interested. And after hearing more about it, I couldn´t properly express to the lady just how interested I was!
Basically, the program places English speakers with girls from Afghanistan through Skype, to have two, one hour English classes per week! The girls are all in high school or university and have studied English on their own, but have not gotten to have formal instruction in the language, but are extremely motivated to learn all that they can. They connect to Skype through a community center, which they have to have signed permission from their fathers to go to, as Afghan women are not traditionally allowed out of their homes for any reason. In fact, it is so against their culture thta they literally risk their lives to go to this center, to study, and to learn English, as men have been known to injure and sometimes kill girls who try to assert some sort of independence.
The program director went over some cultural differences with me, telling me that talking about things like dating or going out for a drink were against their religion, and so such topic should really be avoided. She went on to caution me about other cultural differences, and explained that the girls could get in a lot of trouble with their families if they were asked to talk about or write about many of these things.
The whole conversation, concept and opportunity was so enthralling and exciting that I felt like I was on a call in regards to a super secret covert mission!
At the end of the call, the director said she was very happy to have me on board as one of the 25 (only 25!) volunteers and would be pairing me up with an Afghan girl in the coming weeks to begin! YAY!!! I am way excited to have found such a wonderful sounded volunteer job and hope that I am really able to make a difference in the life of the girl with whom I am paired!
XOXO
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