Yeah, it is my fault. I know I am totally overreacting. But in this moment, all I can think about is...
I don't know where I belong. After my roomies leave (with whom I haven't even really had a relationship with in a month anyway), I don't really have anybody here. Once again, a whole year goes by and no new friends... How does this happen? I had a better year here than I had in Portland, but I really don't feel an overwhelming need to stay next year. Or even, necessarily, through the summer.
Today's letdown really kinda sucked the hope I was attempting to hold on to right out of the air. My mistake as usual for putting that much on one person - and a person I don't even know. But EFF.
And what is with this people analyzing me thing? B, L, H... And now this guy. What audacity - and yet they always make me feel like the one that has something wrong with me. What happened to my adoring high school boyfriends? Why haven't I felt like the super adored one since I was 17? Yeah, with Julia sometimes... But even there, there was always something I felt like I was in competition with.
Just as I was hoping I was over that. Just as I met a guy who I thought would be on an equal playing field as me... But don't worry, I don't have to prove anything to him. He's intrigued by me and can tell that I'm trying to overcompensate for feeling unlikable in the past. But I don't need to feel that way around him. He doesn't want the bullshit - he just wants to get to know me... Which is why our plan to hang out first was canceled and then he invited his best friend who he sees all the time. Which is why the conversation always goes to the emotionally unavailable girl he's obsessed with. Which is why he analyzes everything yet, besides the general "intriguing" comment, never really has anything overwhelmingly complimentary to say.
If I can't find anybody really serious for awhile, can I at least find somebody who adores me for who I am, and doesn't sit there and analyze me and tell me what's wrong with me (without judgement, of course - ugh)?! This is a little silly, but those few days in Dublin with the Brazilian twin...? He was so affectionate and amazed and respectful and sweet. He made things about me and not just himself. For those few days, I felt spoiled like a little princess.
That's what I want next. I want to be the girl they're boring all their other friends talking about, not the girl they're boring going on and on about these lameasses that don't even compare to me. I want to feel worshiped. I want to feel like how the girls who take Ryan Gosling's character always feel in those movies.
I'm done with people analyzing me. Judging me. Making me second guess myself. Making me feel like crap about myself. It makes me so upset. And I know they're not worth it. But attracting so many to me makes me feel like there must really BE something wrong with me... Otherwise I'd be getting the right ones?!
I want people who are smart, witty, creative, jet-set, bilingual, adventurous, funny, cuddly, sweet, affectionate, successful, respectful, attractive, emotionally competent... And, I want a person to worship me like a princess and adore me for exactly who I am... And be amazed by that girl everyday.
At the same time, my unrealistic and idealized expectations have got to stop. I need to start accepting people for who they are and not expecting anything out of them. I need to see them as complete little beings who just want to be loved themselves.
But I'm scared.
Right now, I know in a few days I'll be able to change my whole perspective on all of this. I'll see today as a great example of how I need to stop being and I will be grateful for the fun parts of making cupcakes and mini witty retorts and being called squishy and randomly hugged. I'll feel grateful for having randomly found such awesome people and I'll feel bad for placing such stupid expectations on them and will apologize for not accepting them for who they are and for underestimating my own value.
But I will only be able to do that after I go to school and feel all of the love and adoration from my students. Having 250 adoring souks really does wonders for a girl's self image! But what happens when they're all gone? When I never see them again? Will I still be able to love and adore myself this much???
XOXO
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