Sometimes, you just need a day where you feel like everything has totally fallen apart. Sometimes, feeling lost and hopeless is exactly what you need. A little time off from the optimism and the bliss to sink into a dark place of fear, anxiety and anger. It may not look rational to outsiders, but those angsty teenagesque days can sometimes be exactly what a girl needs.
Today was one of those "sometimes."
The broth of depression bubbled listlessly yet interminably. I stewed in it all day long. It smelled of resignation and resentfulness.
"If I were really a good teacher, they'd be begging me to stay. Begging. If I really were a good teacher, I wouldn't be worried about not having a job this summer. If I were really a good teacher I wouldn't feel so expendable and taken advantage of... But eff that! I am a good teacher! My kids love me and they learn a ton! I am a good teacher! The people in charge just have no idea. And how would they? They've never watched my classes. They never ask students' opinions. They don't give a flying F about the students. All they care about is their self pride and the money. How the hell did people like this get put in charge of something so delicate and important as children's education, well being and futures?!?!?! Is this what the real world is always going to be like? Idiots getting final say in my future and the future of these little children I adore?! Is this it?? Will my whole life hang on the uninformed decisions of dolts with self esteem issues?! Eff that. But what if it's not just that they're stupid. What if there is really something WRONG with me? With who I am? I know my kids love me, but most of the teachers stare at me funny and my roomies have altogether just stopped realizing I exist. I love my kids because they understand me, but what if people over 17 never will? What if I never find an apartment because I'm too strange and what if I get a shit job because I'm too strange and what if I never have good friends because nobody gets me? Maybe this whole traveling thing is a mistake. Maybe this whole teaching thing won't work out for me. Maybe learning languages has been a waste of time. But if I don't have travel, or teaching, or languages... Shit, what do I have?! Nothing. I have no plan b. I have no adoring friends in one city to run home to. I have no real, solid home base. J has been my version of a home base for 5 years, and I don't even have that to run back to anymore. I am SOL in a foreign country with no friends, no apartment, no job for four months, little money and passions that seem to currently be screwing me over. Effing awesome. How could I feel so great about myself just days ago, and now feel like the biggest, most insignificant and unwanted mess ever??? No wonder nobody wants to employ me or hang out with me or give me an apartment!!!!"
No matter how much the little voice in me told me I was just being a drama queen, that drama queen would not relinquish the stage and she PWNED it. See, nobody really listens to that little teenage drama queen inside of me anymore. A healthy combination of independence, adventure, love, tenacity and life coach studies makes the drama queen just look like a tiny kitten who is trying to let out a big lion RAWR of drama, but instead comes across as a sweet little scared creature who just needs a little love and understanding. But I cannot explain how liberating it felt to give that angsty drama queen a stage for the day. Something about brewing in the depression made me feel more alive and more authentic. I felt like I was acknowledging a part of myself I usually try to tuck away, and that felt so good, in a counterintuitive way.
XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment