I found a Pinterest quote that says something like, "I don't have time to worry about the people who don't like me because I'm too busy loving all of the people who love me." It was one of those rare quotes that made me stop in my tracks and think to myself, "Whoa. My life would be sooooo different if I thought like this."
It wasn't until I read the quote that I realized how much of my average day I consumed with thoughts about people who I think don't like me! Holy crap what a waste. >_< But it's definitely not like I'm the only one - not by far. It seems to be a human obsession to worry about being unliked. I think its at its worst in middle school or high school and then you grow out of it a little by little, but I don't think it ever fully goes away. The teachers' room was a perfect example of this: teachers would often say, "I'm sure he's just sitting there laughing at me when I turn my back." They would say this about their students who were not getting good grades - as if their low marks were due only to the fact they had a personal vendetta against their teachers. >_< Wow. That's taking conceited to a whole new level...
Anyway, this week I've tried living by the quote's wisdom, and it's definitely been interesting to witness how much different it makes me feel. Instead of feeling obliged to be around people who made me feel less than stellar about myself, I chose to be around only those who really radiated genuine happiness to be around me.
Suddenly I wasn't worrying why my roomies were discluding me and what an awful person I must be for them to do such a thing. Suddenly I wasn't obsessing about the teachers at school who always half glared at me and blatantly ignored me with a grimace on their faces. Nope, I wasn't thinking about any of that this week.
Instead, I was using my free time at school to play on the play ground with my kids or have silly conversations with my Bachis. Instead of being home, I was busy with other people who authentically enjoy my company. Instead of thinking there must really be some awful flaws in me, I began seeing myself as a really fun and lovable person.
Rather than continuing to feel upset, hurt and mad at the people whose actions had been making me feel so low, I started feeling excited just to be me and feel at ease that the people who didn't value me for me simply weren't on my wavelength and was thankful they treated me in such a way as to release me and make me discover new people and new aspects about myself.
It's certainly proven to be true for me that what you think about a lot you perpetuate. It makes sense. But it's sometimes not until you really break free of a certain way of thinking that you realize how you were perpetuating your own unhappiness.
I think, for the most part, I was happy this past year. But everywhere I turned, I always had that feeling deep inside that there was just something intrinsically unlike able about me, and there was nothing I could do about it...
When I began packing up and getting ready for Vero to come help me move this evening, Abby suddenly asked me what was up. I was taken aback by this, as I'd figured she'd finally found this little hateable part inside of me and that's why she hadn't really spoken to me or showed any interest in me or invited me along on her weekend journeys with the other girls. It was really hurtful, but I'd tried my best to ignore it.
So when she asked why I was upset at her for the past month, I had no idea what to say. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. At all. She said I had gone missing for the month - just like I would complain J and B would do at times - and that I would only talk to her when I needed something. And she seemed genuinely upset about it. When I explained how I felt, she said I couldn't just assume people hated me for no reason and then do nothing about it and go missing and avoid it.
There was no resolution to any of it, just silence, which was the worst part of the whole thing. After considering her to be my closest friend for the past year and leave things like this... It just feels so sad. And I have no idea how to solve it. I guess we both felt ignored and hurt... But neither of us are completely willing to take all the responsibility for the huge miscommunication? I don't know... :-/
It was nice, then, to have Vero come help me move and complain about the management at our school til the point that I almost peed my pants. She'd just been fired that evening and was particularly hilarious because of it!
After a day that had started stressfully at 7 am to get my lost visa documents in order and run to the city to turn them all in and hope I'd gotten everything right, a smoothie stop with two guys from my program, all the Abby drama and then moving... I was so happy when the door shut and I was blissfully alone in my new apartment to just unwind. It was crazy weird to fall asleep utterly alone... I haven't been all alone in a place since my last apartment in Madison! And not having Abby a few feet away from me, even if we hadn't been on such great terms the past month, felt so... Lonely. It was tricky to fall asleep, but when I finally did, nothing could wake me!
XOXO
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