Sometimes (often times) I forget I'm loved. I don't mean in some cry for help way - I cerebrally know I'm loved by my parents and by my students and by certain other people. But what I mean is, I forget that there are people (plural) who honestly I adore me, and whom I adore, too. Sometimes (oftentimes), I see myself as so different from everybody else that I can't imagine that there are people other than my parents and past significant lovers that truly think about me often and care about me and enjoy my quirks and life and company. For the most part, I feel invisible; I live so much inside my own being that I can't even grasp the idea that I appear in other people's worlds. Surely this is a sign of some sort of immaturity that I have yet to grow out of? Whatever it is, it's very real. In my mind, I am an ocean away from 95% of the people I care about and think about on a semi daily basis, so if I'm so far away, it must be an out of sight, out of mine sort of thing for other people... Right? Life is busy, and I'm never around.
Sometimes this makes me feel a little lonely, but then I remember I signed up for this lifestyle and it's all I ever dreamt about. I have friends and a Spanish family and coworkers and adorable students here. But, still... There is no way they could know me half as well as some of my friends I've had since high school. They don't know about paper plating or crazy Water World adventures or late night drives around lakes or the pie place. They haven't seen me at my lowest, and they haven't seen me in my own world. They know me as Chelsea Abroad. As perpetually happy and perky Chelsea. They've never seen the joy on my face when I am driving my car. They've never seen me devouring chocolate chip pancakes. They've never seen me at home.
There is an entire part of me - the only part of me that existed for 18-21 years - that they've never seen.
Don't get me wrong; I adore who I am right now. In fact, this is probably the happiest I've been with who I am in my whole life. I love the me I project and the me I am while abroad. I think people close to me really understand who I am.
But still - it's only the most recent layer they're seeing.
So tonight, after a few more sips of wine and chunks of dark chocolate than I would usually have, the American part of me bucked up and started talking to my five favorite boys on Facebook chat.
And words cannot express how happy it made me to talk to those boys. <3
They know me better than almost anyone, and they adore me for exactly who I am. They love how quirky and unique I am. They are proud of all that I am doing with my life. They remember everything. They care about me and love me. And, most surprisingly, they're thinking about me even when we haven't talked in ages. They're learning Spanish and planning trips and getting their passports, even when we haven't talked in months. They're following my Facebook or reading my blog, even when I assume I'm the last thing on their mind. And we can be completely open and honest and silly with each other. They not only accept me for who I am, but they adore me for who I am.
Sometimes I get so "good" at living in the present moment that I forget that there are people all over the world who would do anything for me, and me for them, no matter what country I am living in, what crazy thing I'm up to now or how long it's been since we've seen each other or talked. <3
XOXO
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