Today marks having been abroad / living in Spain / out of America / being a teacher for exactly half of a year. I actually feel like it's been a lot longer than that. My life in Portland with J in our cute little apartment seems like it was decades ago. And it feels like centuries ago that I last saw her. We've never gone this amount of time without seeing each other. What's more is, this month marks five years since we met. There is no way I would have ever imagined that that girl with the Pink Floyd pj pants on the other side of the counter would end up being the one person to dramatically change my life for the next half a decade. Never in a million years. I didn't even like her when she walked it. At all!
But with all of these realizations and time markers, not upset - far from it. There is a lot that I loved about our life together, and I every few days I smile at a memory and think how grateful I am for her having been in my life. But after a half year away, living my own dream instead of hers, I can honestly say I am happier. I feel free in a way I never did with her. Liberated, in a way.
Yet there is absolutely no way I'd be who I am and where I am today had I never met her in that pizza shop that one fateful afternoon five years ago this week. I had - by far - my happiest times with her by my side. She knows me better than anybody and I know her better than anybody. She is one of those very rare people who I know has been part of my existence for lifetimes and lifetimes before this one, and will continue to be for lifetimes and lifetimes after this one. We're in one of those spiritual contracts with each other - or maybe we're even part of the other one in some ways.
But for now, I feel grateful for all that she gave me, all that she made me and all that she is. I have gotten to that stage in things where, when I think about a sweet memory with her, I no longer feel sadness or regret, but instead feel lightness and happiness. And that is a first for me when it comes to her. When we weren't together, there were always things that upset me beyond words about her and the state of us. And when we were together, there were always things that upset me beyond words about her and the state of us (and, most often, about myself). But for the first time since we met (literally), I can honestly say that the only two feelings I hold for her are love and gratitude.
I sincerely hope that wherever she is, whomever she is with and whatever she is up to these days makes her feel as free and happy as my life here in Spain has made me feel. We always tried our very hardest with each other, but I think we always both deserved somebody who could love us for exactly who we were, instead of always wanting crucial parts of each other to change... and to live our lives on our own terms. I'm so happy we were somehow able to be together for as long as we were, and I'm so happy we were somehow able to go our own ways when we did.
It's like that saying - sometimes the way to really, truly love somebody with all of your heart and soul is to let them go. I know it took great bravery and courage and love on both of our parts to do so, and half a year later, I think I'm finally able to see that perfectly clearly.
So, thank you, J... for supporting me in your own way to go live out my dream.
And always know that I really do (and will always) love you - no matter the oceans and the time and how far we both move on from the sweet little life we had together. Know that I think of you all the time and hope that your life is absolutely wonderful for you. <3
XOXO
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