So when she sent me a txt asking if I was busy on Friday last night, it totally came out of left field and left me shocked. Honestly, I had two essays due that night, after class all afternoon, and with ten hours of class the following day. Had literally any other person in this whole country asked me to even go out for a quick drink that night, I would have given them a flat, "No." But this particular invitation came from L, and so I began my essay at 9 am, and worked on it all day long when I had a free moment to spare. I paid a bit more attention in class (when I wasn't secretly working on my essay), knowing that I'd be less than present the next day. And I pumped out the last two pages of it over a cup of tomato soup and apple grilled cheese as soon as I got home, so that I would have enough time to shower and get ready.
Sure, I still got there an hour later than I'd planned - but I was there... in the center of Madrid... at 11:30 pm on a Friday night - the time that normal me would be going to bed before 10 hours of Saturday class.
What she'd invited me out to was a concert at a club in Malasana by a group called "The Clams." I'd looked up a song of theirs quick on Youtube to make sure it was something I'd be remotely interested in, but other than that knew nothing about it all until I got there. I looked around for L, but couldn't find her in the mass of dancing bodies, and so I went and got myself a drink - which, oddly, I realized was the first drink I have EVER ordered for myself in a foreign country! o_O My goodness, I sure can be dependent on people for things, sometimes! >_<
Anyway, the girls on stage were absolutely adorable. They were all wearing matching leopard print tops with red lips and bows in their hair. They gave off the very distinct vibe of 1950's pinup girls meet rock 'n roll and I adored it. They had really awesome, retro-inspired videos playing on little balls of screens above them, which made the whole thing even more quaint. Their music was cute; their "hit single" is honestly entitled, "Happy as a Clam." Um, adorable.
But what really made the whole thing so cool was that their music and style was a calmer version of the band in the movie "El Calentito," which was a 1980's Spanish film that I had just spent my ENTIRE day writing an essay about!! Whoa. Maybe it was the vodka Red Bull or the bright lights and loud music, but I suddenly felt like I had been transported into my own essay - and it was pretty cool! ;)
A a few songs into it all I found L and she quickly introduced me to her friends as we all stood there and danced to The Clams. I was having a really good time and was bummed when it was over a few songs later, but that's what you get when you show up to a concert an hour after it began! >_< Ha.
We all stuck around for another drink after they were done and eventually decided to head to another bar... which actually turned into four more bars and two pizza shops as the night turned to morning. We went to a vintange bar called "Tupperware" that had old TVs with their screens knocked out and turned into sparkly shelves behind the bar. We went to a bar that offered us cheap beers, which was cool until L lost grip of hers (haha - nobody is surprised) and beer and glass went everywhere. We went to a vintage bar called "El Fabuloso" with a typical nasty European bar bathroom (seriously, bathrooms are so gross at bars in Europe - they have no toilet seat on them so you have no choice but to squat... but it seems most European girls don't know how to do so, because there is pee flooding the floor... and, of course, there is never any toilet paper in them... wtf?) but super comfortable velvety couches, sparkly walls and a super adorable ginger girl for a bartender. ;) And finally we ended up at a girl bar in Chueca that had much more my style of music and I got a little salsa dancing in with L and her friend. Yay! :) We didn't leave that last one until just around 6 am, which is when the first train started running, meaning I got home right at 7:15 - enough time to sleep for two hours until I had to be up for class! Whooopeeee!!! >_<
In the end, I was really happy L invited me and that I worked my ass off all day on my essay to be able to go - but the whole thing made me extremely pensive and rather comfortable rather than making me feel unwound and relaxed... My mind was flooded with thoughts for the entire night, and my mind never once stopped.
Flash to the realization that this was the first time in six months I'd been perceived for who I was when I primarily defined myself as liking girls. Over the past few months I'd seamlessly gone back to my "straight" self without even thinking twice about it. I'm one of those rare people that can go between the two effortlessly and it never really feels like a big deal, and the fact that it didn't feel like a big deal again was weird and normal at the same time.
Flash to the last club we went to, L dancing, and me thinking about her comment from earlier in the night at our first pizza stop about how my Spanish had gotten significantly worse since I'd been here the other summer. "You're rude," was my brilliant comeback. "I know," she grined, proud as could be. But I'd redeemed myself with a snide remark I'd made later in the evening, which had outdone hers. ;)
Flash to the night J and I first went out in PDX. She'd taken me to CC's the week I'd arrived for drinks and dancing, and I knew it was supposed to be an exciting night, but try as I might, I just couldn't get into it. At all. As awful as it sounds, all I could think about was L. We'd only gone out to a club once while I was here that summer, but I'd had so much fun with her and her crazy dancing and snide remarks. She hardly left room for a dull moment.
Flash to last night, feeling so awkward and out of place - not knowing what to say to anybody... feeling like I was just a duckling, silently following everybody around... not sure what to do about it... feeling like a bother - like that annoying little sister - but not knowing how to change it. Maybe, I thought, I'm just inept at the whole social thing and not cut out to make friends - especially in a drinking sort of setting.
Flash to my caipirinha party in Dublin the night before I left, hanging out on the sofa, playing DJ with Sebastian, dancing forro with Mateus, helping Lucas made caipirinha and talking with him, giggling with Lucia exchanging smiles with Maite, listening to Gaba. I was so happy that night. I was so happy with those people. I was so, so happy with how much caipirinha they'd made, too! ;)
After six hours of what most people my age call "partying," I was on the train, blissfully snoozing, until the train made its final stop in Alcala and I meandered home to my warm bed.
But when I woke up, all those thoughts were still going through my head - only they had filed themselves in some sort of order over the two hours in which I was asleep, and had managed to whittled it all down to one, glaring question:
Why do I get so boring, dull and sheeople like when I'm around people I don't know and/or people I want to like me?!?
Like, SERIOUSLY.
It's definitely on the Top Ten Things I Dislike About Myself and Want to Change ASAP.
I've never been charasmatic. I've never been the kind of girl who can walk up to somebody and make friends with them instantaneously. At least, not when I want them to like me...
See, when I had my last few jobs, I was superb at it. I could walk up to any customer and get them to love me before I walked away. It was not difficult for me in the least. All I had to do was be different from the other girls, express interest in them, and let a little part of my unique personality shine through.
But if there was a customer for some reason I wanted to impress, it was never going to happen. I was SOL. And so it goes with people - ESPECIALLY people's friends. I'm always inevitably the awkward turtle and feel like hiding. I am unable to start a conversation, and even worse at keeping one going. I try to act "normal," because I think strange me is a little to strange for most normal people, but I suck at acting normal.
I know there's that maxim that says, "Just be yourself," but I have no idea what that means within a context of, "Wooo... everybody is mostly ignoring me and I'm not at all a part of any of these conversations - in fact, I don't even understand what they're talking about because a) their Spanish is too fast b) they're talking about mutual friends or experiences I know nothing about c) it's something I have absolutely no interest or knowledge about. What would "Chelsea" do in this situation if these were people she were comfortable with? She'd probably still just be silent and eventually walk away and do something more interesting... so... um, yeah. I mean, by the end of the night I was actually having a good time with her guy friend, who was making funny comments to me by 6 am. But man that guy was a hard nut to crack... and usually guys are so easy! And man, I didn't even dare attempt to talk to the girls. Basically, I feel like whoever invites me to something needs to babysit me to a certain degree, and at the age of 23, that is ridiculous. >_<
This is clearly a skill I need to learn... but I'm just not sure how to go about doing so? It absolutely terrifies me and makes me feel so small and insignificant and unliked and unworthy... etc. etc. etc. YUCK.
The next day I talked to Katie about it and she told me she used to be the same way and then learned to just start asking people like that questions upon questions, with a face full of interest. She said sometimes you meet cool people that way, and sometimes they're still lame, but at least you look sweet and enthusiastic. Mayhaps I'll have to try something like that... hmm. She said it was no surprise I felt that way, though, as for the first few weeks here, everybody was afraid I would never come out of my shell and I would be the silent roommate who was always off doing her own thing. But then, after I opened up and got comfortable with them enough to do so, they quickly realized I was the most talkative, strangest and silliest one out of them all!
Anyway, this will be added to my list of priorities of things to work on. I would love to be able to meet friends' friends and have my good friend be proud to introduce me to people and feel confident I would shine in the situation, instead of make them look lame for bringing along somebody so mute and blah - which is DEFINITELY how I come across. >_< Ugh.
XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment