In most ways I feel like I've been thrown into this teaching thing, had the door shut behind me and told to fend for myself. Sink or swim, if you will.
I've never had something that made me stretch my creativity so thoroughly and so often. I've never had something put me in a position of such power before. I've never had something put me in such a position of adoration and influence before. I've never felt like I could relate to so many people before (and how amazing is it I feel this way with kids from another country who natively speak another language?!). I've never felt like I had so much to learn before. I've also never felt so good about myself - truly proud - and successful all on my own before.
I honestly never meant to fall for this teaching thing. In some ways, it was the last thing I wanted. But that was before I realized how kinda perfect at it I could be. I always wanted a highly creative career that somehow helped people (specifically younger people when other adults couldn't understand them) and involved languages and allowed for tons of travel and living in boatloads of countries. In retrospect, it should have clicked... But I'd never seen teaching as a creative challenge until these past few months.
I had no idea how much influence I held until today when I caught my 4th grade teacher's pet copying her work off some other kid. The teacher told me to ignore it, but I refused. I made her stand for the rest of class, erased all of her work and made her stand there and redo it. She begged me in perfect English to believe her that she only copied two words and that she was sorry. At the end of class she gave me a drawing she'd been working on to further apologize. And that's when I realized I've past the point with some of these kids of just being another adult, and have entered the realm of them wanting to make me proud of them. O_o With the little ones, sure. But today I also had three 11th graders ask for my approval of their article they'd clearly worked hard on to impress me. Their expectant faces watched my expression as I read their assignment and I had a hard time focusing on their writing, as all I could wonder was, "When did this happen?!"
Even more curious to me is how invested in some of them I have truly become. I used to think when adults said they were disappointed, they just did it to make them feel like shit - but the secret this whole time has been that adults literally DO get disappointed in children! I always refer to my students in my head as "tiny people," because that's just how I see them. And the disappointment comes in because these tiny people are still in the process of growing into who they are to ultimately become... So when they so something that points to a flaw that could become a part of their identity down the road, it makes a tiny part of a tiny heart inside of me break. "No! Not you! Not like that!" I want to cry out. And suddenly that comment, "You're better than that!" makes so much sense to me. :-/
But one of the things that sets me so far apart from other teachers is a part of me is still so much a kid. In high school we once read this short story about how you are like an onion and you are still the 22 year old and and 18 year old and 14 year old and 10 year old and 6 year old you... And in think I truly am this way. I can see a kid's expression and I can remember exactly what I felt like at that age when I had that expression on my face. I can still talk to all the younger Chelseas that make up who I am today, and they can talk back - which is an exquisite tool for a teacher to posses! :)
Another thing about this teaching thing? I feel like it is a whole separate part of me that nobody knows. It's a whole new dimension that is almost a secret, but is such a deep part of me that I am so proud of. I used to feel empty after I came home from certain jobs, but I hardly ever feel that way after coming home for school. And I hardly ever have a moment to feel bad about myself, because all I have to do is think about the last compliment or smile or drawing one of my 250 students gave me, and I realize how much more clever they are than anybody else whose opinion I could possibly be fretting over. ;)
So no, I didn't mean to fall in love with this teaching thing... But I'm afraid it might be starting to happen... And I admit, the next thing I expected to fall in love with was a boy - not a career - but they all carry the same rules. As long as I am free to be exactly who I want to be and live the exact dream vie always dreamt of living... As long as I feel really good about myself at the end of the day and feel truly appreciated for who I am and what I do... Then it's a love that can stay - no matter how unexpected it might have been. ;)
XOXO
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