It really took until Conor's death for me to grasp why people ever took religion so seriously. But thanks to him, I've developed my own sort of religion that really, really works for me. In it, Conor is equivalent to my own personal sort of "God." I can "pray" to him (i.e. talk to him in my mind or out loud when I need help, when I am grateful, when I find something funny - for any reason, really) and I never, ever feel alone. I always feel like there is a divine power on my side who will listen whenever I need to be heard and who is there guiding me. But it's not that I think he knows lots better than me, necesarily, or has way more power than I have, exactly. It's that he is 100% on my side and helps me to channel my energy and shift my perspective in order to acheive whatever it is I next what to achieve. But, yes, when I really need it, he can work magic - but I always make sure I offer something in exchange - I tell him I'll be willing to change my perspective or a certain behavior or whatever else, if he can help me with one certain thing. Whenever I am facing a difficulty, before I ask for help, I always ask him, "What am I missing, here? You wouldn't have lead me into this unless you had a very specific reason for me being here. What is begging to be seen? What am I supposed to be learning from this?" Only after I feel I have figured it out, do I ask for help, knowing that if he isn't able to help me in that moment, it's for my highest good. Because I know he would never abandon me. And he would never not help me if it really was something that would irreparably harm me. And he always has a sense of humor, which makes me smile even when I'm at my lowest and crying, alone in some secret spot, begging for his help.
Maybe it's because of those nights when I would hide in my closet and cry and the only person I'd talk to would be him either on AIM or on the phone. And he would tell me to be brave, and that it would all be over soon, and that to always remember he was on my side, and that I was stronger than I thought. He always made me feel adored, no matter how awful about myself I felt. And I knew that he wouldn't be on Earth long enough to be able to pay him back for all he had done for me, so when he moved on I promised him I would never stop believing in him or shut him out.
Most people don't know that after you die, you're still here... just without a perception of time. And I think your energy that remains on Earth is as strong as those who you loved maintain it.
Sometimes I imagine how awful it would if it turns out I'm right about that and to die and see the people you love so much wandering the planet like completely empty zombies. I would be so upset. I always think of those scenes in Ghostwhisperer when the little kids don't understand they're dead and they don't understand why their parents won't pay attention to them. And what if those people you loved's lives started to crumple in around of them because of your death? Oh, that would really be awful.
And so a few days or weeks after he died, I went to my most secret place on campus in Madison and I sat there and talked to him. I told him that just in case I was right about those things, I would never do that to him. I would take all that they had taught me and all the love he had selflessly given me and I would make him so proud. I would always be there to listen to him and I would always use whatever energy he had to give me and I would live the coolest life I possibly could in his honor.
I had told him before he died how I always excepted one big sign from people when they died to let me know they were okay... but after he died I realized the one thing I wanted to ask of him was his guidance. That was the night I got his response when I accidentally came upon the Orange Soda story and other emails we'd exchanged about how our friendship had and would continue to transcend death, and how we'd always be there to help each other and love each other.
Exactly three years, three months and three weeks later and I can still feel him around me, listening to me and helping me... guiding me and giggling with me. And I'm still trying my best to keep up my end of the bargain, too.
So tonight when I looked up and thanked him, it shouldn't have been any different... but it was. This wasn't my usual request for help; no, this was far more out of my control (I think?). I'd spent a lot of time trying to understand, to be confident, and to be accepting. I spent a lot of time talking to the Universe about it. I explained my position and I accepted responsibility. But as far as I knew, it was out of my hands. So when I received my answer tonight, a great sense of calm and love washed over me. And I knew he was still there and he has been with me the whole time.
Every night before bed I read "Minutos de Sabeduria" in Portuguese. It is a small book with pithy thoughts and philosophies about life. The other night's entry particularly struck me:
"Estude sua própria personalidade. De nada nos valerá o conhecimento de todas as ciências do mundo, de tudo o que está fora de nós, se não conhecermos a nós mesmos. Estude sua alma, que é seu Verdadeiro Eu, que se reflete em sua personalidade exterior. Nosso corpo é a projeção de nossa alma. Conheça a si mesmo, para viver uma vida consciente e feliz."
My rough English translation would be this:
"Study your own personality. There is no value in knowing all the sciences in the world nor of knowing all that is outside of us, if we do not know ourselves. Study your soul - that is your True You - which is reflected in your exterior personality. Our body is a projection of our soul. Know yourself, in order to live consciously and happily."
If there is one thing in this whole world I am truly gifted at, it is knowing and understanding and being curious about myself. Sometimes it comes in waves, and it definitely depends on who I am around and where I am living, but it's always of utmost importance to me. It's my main reason for writing and blogging. It's my main reason for traveling and learning other languages. It's what inspires me to dance.
And if there is one thing I know about myself, it is that thoughts are incredibly powerful, and I can be pretty good at purposefully shaping my thoughts in regards to certain things in life. Louise Hay, the lady who wrote "The Secret," wrote: "No person, place, or thing has any power over me, for I am the only thinker in my mind. I create my own reality and everyone in it." I have thought jobs, opportunities and people into existence... So why not think self-confidence into existence? Maybe that's what this last difficult moment was trying to show me. Maybe it's Orange Soda Version 3.3? Maybe all it would take is a tiny shift in perspective, just like so many other things?
On the surface I know it may seem ridiculous. How can your thoughts really change your world, right? But the thing is, once you shift your perspective, you start acting a little differently - often, without even noticing. You treat people a little differently, you notice things differently, you live a little differently... Until all these "little differently"s start to add up.
So in honor of the third week of the third month of the third year that Conor died, I'm going to take a (not so?!) itsy bitsy risk and try an experiment. I've lived my whole life feeling like there was something just intrinsically unlikable and repelling about me. I've felt that way ever since I can remember. So what if I willfully shift my perspective and start to purposefully think that there is something just intrinsically enchanting about me that causes people to adore me and feel happy when they are around me?
My whole WORLD would dramatically change!!! I would no longer walk into classrooms with an apologetic pause. I would no longer wait for somebody to text me back, wondering what I'd done or said to put them off. I would no longer avoid talking to people in authority positions. And I would no longer be shy when meeting new people. I would even be more open to practicing languages!
Literally. Every human interaction I have (save for a few people I've known long enough to know they adore me) would be dramatically altered.
And so the experiment shall commence tomorrow.
Why have I never thought to do this before!?
XOXO
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