The highlight of my day was definitely going out to dinner and a movie with Abby and Katie! Ever since I was little I dreamt of having a mini group of girls to hang out with, and they're just that. :) We went and saw "Gangster Squad" and it was absolutely fabulous! Emma Stone comes across as just so confident and subtly sexy, while Ryan Gosling comes across as so dapper and mysterious. They make the most brilliant pair! Mmmmm...
I believe that, in general, every girl wants a guy like Ryan Gosling. He's mysterious, sexy, confident, dapper, gentlemanly, humorous... He's like a 21st century Cary Grant. I am unsure if guys like that exist in real life, or if their mysterious aura would get old after awhile, but it's certainly enticing (heck, I had a dream I was his newest love interest last night - and I almost never dream about celebrities).
But my question is, what is the guy's Fantasy Girl like? Like Emma Stone's character? Do girls like that even exist? There is a whole category of fictional characters just like hers. Effie in "Skins," Shane in "The L Word," etc. They are all unobtainable, mysterious, sexy and über-confident. Or... Is that über confidence actually just numbness? All of those characters have awful pasts, which undoubtedly contributes to their ineffable lure. But nobody would really want to end up with somebody like that so much...
Which brings me to the State of My Kove life. I considered myself bi/lesbian-leaning for the past five years... Up until the Christmas Eve just a month and a half ago. Which leaves me in a sightly precarious place. Not only do I suddenly not know exactly what kind of a guy I want (see, girls are girls - and there are only so many... And, of those, there are very few who I like... So it wasn't that big of a mystery)... But I have no idea what kind of a girl guys want. Sure, I was with B for a year in the middle of my five year bi/gay girl run, but that was different. He just kinda showed up unexpectedly and I didn't think I had a shot in hell with him. We lived together, too, so there was never any awkward, "Do I text him or pretend to have better things to think about all day?" moments, because I could always just "serendipitously" show up in the kitchen or hallway in front of his room when I wanted to talk to him. ;) And, other than B, the last time I was really interested in guys was high school / when I was a dancer and when I'd see them at class every week.
It is all just very awkward, if I do say so myself. It all makes me feel very un-Emma, un-Effie and un-Shane. I mean, like, a guy would never check to see if I'd texted them, would he? But I do. And it makes me feel lame. And when I feel lame, I start to feel indignant... Which inevitably turns out to be a mini catastrophe inside my head. I used to think this was just something that happened when it came to Julia. That SHE made me feel unconfident and lame. That I would only ever look for HER txts, but never anybody else's. Buuuut... as it turns out, it wasn't an issue with her so much as an issue with myself.
So. What do I do to change this? I feel as though I'm in "practicas" for when I have my next serious relationship - and boy am I more than fine with that - but I really need to figure out this self-confidence thing. I have the beginnings of an image of the type of guy I would like to be with, but who I am now is far from a girl a guy like that would date. And the main thing lacking is solid self-confidence (and, okay, some frequently made stylistic choices that include greasy hair and too many bright colors be worn at once). I'm going to be 24 and feel like I both look and act much younger. I mean, I was carded to buy a beer a few weeks ago... and the drinking age here is 18.
I have almost exactly two months until my birthday. I know what I'll be trying to figure out how to work on until then! :)
XOXO
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