Today's epiphany? I really need to work on my self confidence.
As it turns out, self confidence consists of two parts:
1) The confidence you have in yourself, when it comes to yourself.
2) The confidence you have in yourself, when it comes to other people.
Now, I have #1 down. I know myself very, very well and have a great relationship with myself. I am ambitious and sanguine. I am utterly confident that no matter what I want, I will always find a way to get it. I delight myself daily by surprising myself with my creativity, my compassion, my energy, my unique perspectives, etc. I am super confident in who I am and who I am becoming. I love who I have been and what I've done. I love who I am now and what I am doing now. And I have absolute faith in who I will be and what I will do. There are certain aspects I would like to work on a about myself, but when it comes down to it, there is nobody else I'd rather be; I adore all the quirks that make me Me - the unique relationship I have with my body, how spiritually in tune with myself I am, how optimistic and confident I am in the future and the universe's divine plan for me, how willing to take a risk I am if there is a possibility of happiness and adventure... On my best days, I feel like the epitome of self-confidence. It's been a long process, and I am proud to sy I've worked hard to achieve it.
But when it comes to my self confidence around others... Well... It's just not there. It's not always fully there when I'm at work, it's not always fully there during daily errands. And it's certainly not there when I meet new people (especially with people who are going to be paying me!) nor in romantic relationships (no matter how serious nor how casual).
So where does it go? I thinks it's that I feel that I am perfect at being me... I have cultivated who I am for 23 years and I am really happy with her. But I have only been a teacher for five months, only been speaking Spanish for a decade, only been teaching private lessons for a few months. I know I have a lot to learn, and so I feel like a fraud having somebody pay me for my services... Even though at some level I know that what I lack in experience, I make up for in creativity and moxie. I'm genuinely not there to make money, but rather to help them learn English as best I can. I already had the job that I went to for money with those two kids, and I quit because I was so unhappy feeling no passion for what I was doing. I genuinely try as hard as I can to make sure they leave the lesson with new knowledge, and a unique, playful way of remembering what they've learned. I feel like teaching through a mutual, casual discourse is far superior to pedantic textbooks and academic explanations. I believe if I can make you laugh, I can make you learn - and you may never consciously notice it. ;)
But the thing that freaks me out is, I'm not doing this based on any sort of theories. None of what I'm doing has been empirically proven to work, from what I know. I'm not sure this would even be deemed an actual educational "method" at all. I'm just... Making it up as I go... And hoping for the best. But I'm not doing it blindly - not at all. I'm using all of the experiences I've had with studying six different languages over a span of 13 years. I'm using the experiences I had teaching Sam French Fry Math and Instant Message Reading. I'm trying to think to myself, if I could be taught a language, how would I want someone to teach me, and how would I best learn it?
I want the explanations. Why is it "você" in Brazilian Portuguese and not "tú"? I messed it u every time until I was given a concrete answer... And then suddenly it just made sense to do it that way and I never again thought to use the other word. I feel that too often language is taught with the principle of "memorize now, ask questions later" and I strongly disagree. Another thing that sets me apart from other English teachers is that I've studied the history of English, I've studied the linguistics and phonetics and phonology and morphology of English, I read English etymology for fun. If I can tell you why something is the way it is, I'm going to do it - and I'm going to be dramatic and expressive and crazy about it. Likewise, if you make an error, and it gives the sentence a whole other meaning, I'm not going to correct you right away, I'm going to tell you what you literally just said so you can find the humor in it, and then realize how to say it the right way. You won't make the same mistake again... And if you do, you'll catch yourself and giggle, and quickly be able to correct yourself appropriately.
But still... It's that same "I have no clue if I know what I'm doing" feeling that gets to me every single time. With teaching, certainly, but with everything, really.
And where it's really bad is in romantic relationships. No matter how serious or now casual, I always always always think the other person is trying to plot a way to get rid of me.
Why?
No clue. I'm boring? (Psh - I am FAR from boring.) I'm too emotionally girly? (Sometimes - but at least I'm conscious of it when it comes out, which is more than I can say for 98% of the female population.) I'm not cool enough? (Uh - then they need to work on their definition of "cool.") I'm too available? (Well - I guess I am, but only because I make ample time for what I deem to be most important.)
It's like... I feel like if I were more confident, I'd be more attractive to others, but I'm not confident because I feel unattractive to others. Not physically unattractive, but internally unattractive? I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, exactly.
I guess this is the thing: I have gotten to the place in my life where I feel like the universe is definitely on my side. The universe and divine energy and I are (at last) buddies. I can ask them for things and they can ask me for things... It's a mutual relationship of reciprocity based on love and respect. I am confident in my knowledge that the universe wants what's in my highest good and I believe the universe is confident in its knowledge that I am open and grateful for all of its help and energy.
But people? Oooohhhh... I do NOT believe that people are on my side (nor, do I suppose, I'm fully on their side, either). I have the assumption that people are always trying to find a reason to dislike me, get rid of me, disrespect me, forget about me, etc. WHY do I feel this way?! No idea. It must come from somewhere, but I refuse to believe the Kathy scenario really continues to have that strong of an influence over my life. >_< If there were one day I could change in my entire life, it would be the day that happened. Sometimes I think my life would have turned out so differently. I wonder what Martin's perspective would be on the whole thing...?
Anyway, this is what I want to work on this year (God, hopefully it doesn't take a whole year). I want to find a way to believe that, in general, people are on my side. People I work with, people I work for, people I teach, people I'm friends with, people I'm in some sort of a romantic relationship with... Everyone. I want to start believing the Kathies of my world are the exception - not the rule. I want to feel such self confidence that any rejection I could possibly encounter would only serve to empower me and teach me, rather than devastate me and cause me to spiral into a panicked, lost disaster. I want to stop thinking, "Oh, you haven't texted me in 24 hours... That must mean that you're trying to find the best way to tell me you hate me and never want to see me again." Because, as crazy as this makes me sound, that's what I think every single time... And I've thought like this for years. Every. Time. It's not even rational. (And on the rare occasions that has been the person's intent, it's been utterly welcome by me!) Why can't I just think, "Oh, you must be busy with life. How cool that I met somebody with an exciting existence. Can't wait to hear your stories later and share mine, too!" Just typing that feels so foolish and like it must be an overly optimistic lie. What. The. Eff?!?
And so that is the new self improvement mission. I honestly don't even know where to begin - and it's been a long while since I felt that way about anything. And you know what? That rather excites me. :) Big goal, here I come!
XOXO
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