My brain is about to explode! >_<
It was three weeks ago that I was tentatively offered a job at my school. My blissed out excitement began to turn to worry as the days passed and the head mistress would pass me in the halls with a smile, but with no invitation to her office again to further discuss the details. Had the director not liked the idea of hiring me? Had they realized the work visa logistics would be too much? Had they decided they didn't want to get rid of any of their current teachers, so I no longer had any chance there?
And so today I decided I couldn't wait any longer. I got up early and showered and went to school in my most teacher-like outfit. I looked for her in her office all day, but it wasn't until the last ten minutes of the day that I found her.
I asked if she'd had an opportunity to talk to the director at all yet and she smiled warmly and said not yet - with all the excitement of the Seniors graduating next week, there simply hadn't been ample time to bring it up and go over the details with him. She assured me that later next week she'd talk to him, and she imagined everything would go perfectly and they'd be giving me an official call after that to discuss my contract.
I was way relieved and happy to hear it, and so I asked her what grades shed been considering for me.
And then the bomb into my perfect little image of Chelsea's Life 2013-2014 dropped:
"I was thinking you would be perfect to put in preschool and kindergarten!"
What.
The.
Fuck.
???
I've spent the past year getting to know all of the students and teachers of 1st-12th grades... the past year studying for my Master's degree in bilingual education for children old enough not to poop their pants in class... And this is where you want to put me??? With all my motivating abilities and my creativity and personality... You want to stick me with children that aren't old enough to think for themselves???
Just... no.
>_<
That is like taking me to a cupcake shop and then buying me a vegan, sugar-free cookie.
You have got to be joking me.
I was so in shock that I couldn't even really come up with a response. The news was almost worse than had she simply said they'd talked about it and it wouldn't work out. At least then they would have recognized my potential and abilities. But this? This was almost insulting. Take every talent I have as a teacher and every love I have for it and throw that shit right out the window with a huge smile boasting Isn't this a great idea!?"
No! >_<
It's like taking me to a dance competition and then sticking me in flamenco. I can tango, I can bachata, I can salsa, I can forró, I can Lindy, I can West Coast, I can chacha, I can nightclub, I can two step, I can even quickstep if you're a really good lead... But I have NO experience with flamenco... I want NOTHING to do with flamenco... And, actually, it is the ONLY dance I've EVER borderline hated in my whole life!!!!!!!
After my five minutes of freaking out, I just looked up and furrowed my eyebrows and whispered to Conor, "Where the hell did that curve ball come from and what the hell is this all about? You have some grand plan here, because right now this makes NO sense."
I remember I felt this way when I found out that I wouldn't be able to get my student visa in time for the Master's program the other year, after so much excitement and expectation. I couldn't understand WHY the Universe would appetize me like that and then yank it away from me just as I was about to get my perfect life. I authentically did NOT understand. It just felt so unfair.
Of course, had it not happened like that, I wouldn't have gotten to live in Portland with J, I wouldn't have been placed in CISTA, and... when I think about it... the entire rest of my life would have turned out completely and utterly different, really. So, while in that moment if may have felt like that, in the long run I have no doubt that was ENTIRELY planned out like that. Had the Universe not enticed me with that opportunity at that time, in that way, with L by my side... I never would have come back to do it. I had to get that excited about it to tear myself away from J and go do my own thing.
But this?
It is way too early to see what the cosmic purpose of THIS will turn out to be. I'm really, really hoping it is nothing but a sarcastic little joke due to my negative energies I've had with freaking out about whether they'd changed their mind since first offering it to me...
After talking to Patty tonight, she says I can always tell the director when he himself offers me the position that I would really be happier and more suited and successful with older kids, as long as I say it with gratitude and a smile on my face. And perhaps this will make them realize how ridiculous and silly the idea was and things will get sorted out. But she also stressed that getting into a school like that is a big feat and once I'm in, I would open up a lot more opportunities potentially... Even if the little kids weren't my thing. She said patience and gratitude is key with things like that in Spain. She also said how she and her sister both work with that age of children and they both absolutely love it... So maybe I'm judging it too harshly?
It was really, really nice to have someone like to her talk about it to. She's a very sweet person herself, plus she's Spanish and better understands these sorts of matters from a cultural perspective! <3
In fact, our whole "class" tonight was just us chatting... Her telling me about her trip to New York City, telling me about her boyfriends, and me telling her about my job offer. We giggle so much and have such a good time. Other than Abby, I honestly have the best time with her out of everybody here and just adore her.
And so when she forgot to pay me tonight, I didn't say anything. All we did was hang out like good friends... I taught her as much English as she taught me Spanish... And it just felt wrong to be paid for having such a good time after a rough start to the week. When she dropped me off she realized she'd forgotten to pay me and all was cleared up... But it brought me to this issue that's been threatening to come to the surface for awhile now...
I'm starting to become friends with my students... And I have no idea how to handle that??? Are the rules? Can you hang out with students? Is there a point where people agree not to pay anymore and be friends? I have no idea!!! And that's not even the worst part...
Patty is in her late 20s and so there is no real problem if somehow we do become normal friends after some time... But what about my kids at school I adore so much? If I really do get sequestered to dirty diaper land (and I agree to it), when will I ever see my adorable favorite students I've come to seriously ADORE??? I don't want to be around babies who don't understand my jokes and appreciate my creativity and awesomeness!!! RAWR.
This is maybe ridiculous (no, it IS ridiculous), but part of me thinks that if I can't work with the older kids, I rather just turn down the job offer and take the job with the government program in Madrid being an assistant with no power, but good money and easy hours... All so I could hang out with my favorite Bachis without there being any professional conflict of interest. They're seriously so much more interesting than pretty much anybody else I've met in this entire country! They are always do such interesting things, while my " mature" friends my age are sequestered in their rooms "studying" and watching movies under the covers. Ugh. Dull. I wanna go to go dancing in dubstep clubs, go horseback riding, learn to longboard... and generally ENJOY life as it was meant to be enjoyed.
Man, older people really just don't understand so many things. It's ironic, cause when I was Bachis' ages, I thought people my age were totally stupid and didn't get the point of life... But now I'm starting to think they get it a little better than the average person my age. >_< They aren't completely jaded yet. They aren't fooled by this ridiculous societal pressure to be "responsible" and crap. They're just trying to figure out who they are... And I respect that so much more than these other people who are just faking who they are, because, truth be told, they still have no effing idea.
My God, when did I become so on young people's side?!?!
Anyway... Back to this job offer stuff. I honestly have no idea what will happen. If preschool is the only thing offered to me at this school, I don't know if I'll just say no and walk away, or if I'll try it out and see if maybe the Universe is trying to push me in this direction for a reason.
And, see?!? THAT is the big Catch-22 that is making my brain feel like it's gonna explode!!! Do I say, "The Universe is doing this for a reason, so I should shut up and try to wait and see the wisdom in this unexpected turn." OR do I say, "Eff this! If I'm not going to be recognized for my talents, I have no reason to waste a year here that I could spend doing a quarter of the work and still being paid decently. If the train isn't stopping at my station, it's not my train... And that's completely fine. Something better is out there for me."
?!!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!
Yep. Is Conor trying to tell me to move on, or to stay and wait? Jeeze, dude. Could you BE a little more cryptic?!
Clearly I need a spa day to destress and recenter myself (seriously). This will be happening in a week and a half. I will tell Abby the good news tomorrow. ;-P I know that whatever happens is what is for my highest good and happiness... So, if it's not so much the outcome I'm worried about, why am I freaking out so much? Maybe that's the lesson I need to really work on, here...?
In other news, an adorable thing happened today: When I went to get on the train to go to Madrid, a teacher and a Bachi boy were at the station, too! We all sat together and talked for 15 minutes until Bachi's stop. At first, you could tell he was kinda nervous to actually have to speak English outside of class with me, yet he did it without any problem. But the best part was when he and the teacher began talking about something in Spanish and I joined the conversation and gave my opinion, too... In Spanish.
Holy. Crap. The look on that boy's face was PRICELESS. He stared at me as if I were a superhero and be had just discovered my super secret Spanish superpowers.
Aaaaaand I felt like a BAMF! ;)
He complimented my abilities and then asked if I wanted to continue the conversation in Spanish or English. When I said, "Me da igual" I felt way proud that I'd been asked such a question. It's hard to explain to somebody who speaks just one language... But there is a certain "I recognize your polyglot abilities and I respect them" intrinsic in being asked which language you prefer to speak in... And then being able to answer that you really don't care which one.
Point #36,098,347 for the Bachis. ;)
XOXO
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