Day 97: Brunch!

Sometimes, I come up with such quaint little ideas, and I quickly run to see if my roomies would like to join me. I never expect that they'll want to, but every time they do... and every time I am the one that decides, "Ehh... I'm not sure I really want to do that anymore..."

And that's exactly what happened once again this morning when I was rudely awoken at 10am by Katie txting me, asking if I'd woken up to call and make brunch reservations yet.

See, going to Saturday brunch with my girls was totally my idea. I thought it'd be so cute and adorable to dress up, go into the city, and dine on some yummy AMERICAN breakfast cuisine (something which I've certainly missed oh-so-dearly!!). I didn't really think anybody else would be down, but within minutes of mentioning the idea, the masses were informed and excited. :)

But when I had to wake up at 10 am on a Saturday, I felt like I should have never mentioned it. Happily, the feeling went away after I crawled into Katie's bed to phone the restaurant and remain half-asleep. A little while later the restaurant returned my call and we had a brunch reservation all set and ready for 4:30pm.

HAHA - yep, 4:30pm brunch... 'cause they only had one reservation left. Woot!

I half went back to bed after completing this great feat, and got up a bit later to start primping. I really miss having a reason to primp every once in awhile and was super excited to take it! I showered, put on a cute outfit and my super classy trench coat and Burberry headband. I curled my hair and put on makeup. I was looking chic, if I do say so myself. ;) In fact, both Katie and Abby commented separately that I looked like Blair, from Gossip Girl!!! ^_^ YES!

But brunch wasn't 'til later and Scott and I still needed to get him a train ticket to Barcelona, so he packed up his pack and we were off. We got him a train ticket for 3:30pm in no time and decided to walk around a bit and find a mini bite to eat before he had to leave. We walked all over the Letter's Neighborhood and came across the most adorable croissant cafe! The ambiance of the cafe totally matched my look, if I do say so myself, and I felt like I could totally be part of a mini ad for some exotic European perfume or typewriter or something. HAHA!

Scott and I had a nice little meal (well, actually, it wasn't so little - but it WAS delicious!) - he had a sandwich, coffee and fresh squeezed orange juice and I had a smoked salmon and brie sandwich with a banana mocha smoothie. ^_^ It was nice to finally feel like I had a little confidence speaking Spanish when the ladies working there kept coming over to me to ask questions after Scott would order something. ;) I give him lots of credit for being so ballsy and autonomous... I think I would have just asked the person who really spoke the language to do my ordering for me had I been in that situation (and I have - and I do!).

It was fun talking about things we'd done in high school and what some people we'd (okay, I'd) stalked on Facebook were up to these days. DUHS was definitely a little bubble - and one of those little bubbles were I just thrived and was so, so, so happy and myself. <3 I don't think about it much anymore, but talking about it and giggling about it made me feel so happy. Being around someone who knew me from before all the drama (not that there's so much, but there's always some in the really interesting people's lives - ha) and questioning of who I am, what I'm doing, who I'm surrouding (and not surrounding) myself with, etc.... being around someone who knew and saw and experienced the little core of me made me feel so very whole. So very, very whole. <3 Some people just make you feel good about yourself. I wonder if I make anybody feel that way? I hope so.

Eventually, it was time for Scott to leave and so I walked him back to the train station and just like that he was off, to his next destination in his adventure. :)

I did a little wandering, a little exploring, and headed off to San Bernardo to meet up with the girls. I got there early, so I strolled past L's office building just to... well, I'm not entirely sure how to express why. As I did, I remembered the day my popsicle was melting all over me and giggled. :) I passed the little park perfect for mini lunch picnics. I passed the bench I sat at to wait. It was like a literal stroll down memory lane of sorts, and I was quite pleased to indulge myself a bit in it.

I roused myself from it all long enough to type in the name of the restaurant into my GPS and began following it. Still half in Lala Land, I soon realized I had walked the exact OPPOSITE direction and would have to run back the other way if I was going to get there before the food was served!! I had been so proud arriving in the area twenty minutes early, and I was a bit upset about still being late anyway. >_< Katie called me to tell me it was okay and that she would order for me, and sure enough, when I got there two flutes filled with mimosas were at my spot and my french toast was just arriving.

^_^ *squeal*

The food was good (though the portions were teeny weeny - but after such a big meal just two hours previously with Scott, it was just the right size for me!), it was fun to have an American serving us and it was great to be out with my friends at such a quaint little spot that everyone is always talking about. Carmencita's: we can check that off the list of adorable things to do in Madrid! YAY!

After brunch we walked around (my feet were SO blistered by this point; it was a struggle) and were quickly herded into a great mass of holiday shoppers. It was way yucky and we quickly got split up. After being pushed and shoved, Abby and I decided we were over it. She went home and I went in search of a wee bit of alone time after so much excitement these past few days, but when left alone with myself for the first time in what seemed like forever, I found my spirit a bit heavy.

Scott's visit, brunch with friends, a nice school... all of it had been making me feel so happy and social and good about myself. But after just five minutes all alone - something that previously I would have been so excited to have - I felt a pang of loneliness.

"This isn't personal growth," I told myself. "All you're doing is replacing one way of life with another way of life - but you're still attaching an amount of your own personal happiness to other people. You should be happy all alone. You should be great and confident all alone. Has all this wonderful stuff not helped you at all? Are you still the same girl who always needs attention and validation?"

And from there, I quickly spiraled.

A voice of reason would pipe up occasionally, saying, "Hey, it's okay to feel a little down sometimes. In fact, that would be normal. Take a moment to just feel blah. It's cool. Nobody is judging you. Gotta have a little down time to appreciate the up time. Being happy to be surrounded by friends is great. Feeling a little lonely without them after you've been so close with someone all week is fine. Don't be so harsh on yourself."

The two voices continued quarreling for the rest of my walk and the rest of the train ride home, all the while my poor toes screaming out in pain occasionally yelped loud enough to quell the conversation in my head for a moment or two.

By the time I came home, I was feeling a bit deflated. I walked into the room and plopped down on my chair, spilling a sentence to Abby about it all.

"The same thing happened to me after we parted ways!!" she confided. "I just began spiraling."

And so we sat in our room and talked and talked about it all. It is so nice to have somebody who is such a good listener, but somebody who also understands what I'm talking about and is sometimes experiencing or going through the same thing.

Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating when I congratulate myself for being so strong given certain circumstances and how the normal (old?) me would react. Sometimes I feel like I owe all of my so called inner strength to the good fortune of having Abby as a roomie and a good friend. She always listens when I have something to say (no matter how many times I've said something similar or how ridiculous or trite or silly it may be). She always knows what to say to give me that little ooph I need when I'm feeling down. She's the one person I have in this country who I feel like I can just be myself around and she'll still like me.

Living in the same room we spend a fair amount of time together, and so although I may be living in a foreign country all on my own, fresh from what should be a really jarring and strange break-up, I never, ever feel alone. In fact, I feel less alone this year between Abby, Katie, Ali and Marianna by a LONG SHOT than I did last year - when I felt like I was always coming home to an empty house and would sit in my bed watching episodes of SVU on my phone waiting to feel wanted (I felt so small, but only recently have I began to see how much of my own fault that was - come on, Chelsea - really!?).

The thing is, since first being with J (or maybe even before that) 4.5 years ago, I've always thought that to feel like you were whole and mattered and had a purpose in life, you had to be in a romantic relationship (or, at least, be in pursuit of one). I believed the whole point of life was to love someone else and without that, one would just be empty. But the past three months have served to completely override those beliefs. I think that the last time I had a friend (a friend - not a relationship/friend, but just a 100% friend) that made me feel all those things no matter my relationship status was Woody. Even then, there was always the Stephen thing on my mind, but he was there to be a real, true friend. I knew that if everyone else disappeared, he'd still be there for me and I could be confident in that. I knew he had my back and loved me and it made me strong.

And so it's been so long since I've had that sort of a friendship with anyone that I honestly forgot that sort of a thing even existed. Finding strength in a friend is not something to be ashamed of (as I often feel it is - "If I were growing and strong, I would be so all on my own.") - it's something to be extremely, extremely grateful for.

XOXO