Day 104: New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve is in exactly two weeks. What have I done the past five NYEs, since I've been out of high school? Well... let's see:

2011-2012: PORTLAND, OR
Went to a tiny lezzie club, Crush, in Portland with J. She mostly hung out with Shayla and kept going out to smoke while I stayed at the table, relatively bored, and made friends with a nice vegan lezzie who made me giggle. I tried to drink, but it was one of those nights where it just didn't work out. I tried drinking an AMF to rid myself of this issue, but the very smell of it made me sick, and so that was that.

2010-2011: BELO HORIZONTE, BRAZIL
Was at a vacation house in the countryside of Brazil with B, eating Brazilian BBQ, hanging out, swimming and having a relatively good time. At midnight they dunked everyone in the pool, I ran and hid so nobody would throw me in the freezing pool. Haha.

2009-2010: MADISON, WI
Went out to the bar with Laura (despite being underage, the guy let me in out of pity). Ended up kissing her, even though her gf was nearby. A few hours later had the most awkward, awful and depressing three hours ever with J, driving us to the Chicago airport to go to Colorado.

2008-2009: DENVER, CO
Couldn't think of anything to do, so while on our last night in Colorado, J and I went to Taco Bell, went and bought some blankets and went and hung out in the back of the rape van. It was silly, ridiculous, uneventful and pretty adorable.

2007-2008: MILWAUKEE, WI
Was at a West Coast Swing event, which happened to coincide with NYE. Right around midnight, met a guy (who would later become my boyfriend for eight seven months!) and had a great time dancing, talking, giggling and drinking champagne!


O_O Well that was an interesting review!! I wasn't quite sure where I'd be this year, nor what I'd be doing, until I made concrete plans today - and ohmygod are they pretty crazy spectacular!!!

I met a friend on Couch Surfers who happens to be into the same kind of dance I am. She accepted my request to stay with her and quickly invited me to stay for NYE, too, saying we could totally find a dance to go to together. I took her up on her offer, figuring it might be cool to spend it with someone I sorta knew, rather than totally alone in a totally  new country (I was gonna go to Amsterdam on the 31st of Dec. originally). So today she emails me and tells me to buy tickets, 'cause she found us a swing dance party and we're totally going. Um, amazing. I clicked on the link in her email and my jaw dropped when I began reading the invite:

"New Year's Eve Party
 GLITTER BALL
 Take a magnificent venue with a superb dance floor, add a party crowd, throw in the finest DJs, mix with Bubbly and you have the perfect ingredients for a fabulous New Year's Eve Party. We will be spoiling you with Savoury Nibbles & Bubbly on arrival as you socialize with friends and reflect upon resolutions for the year to come. On the stroke of midnight we will be bringing in the New Year in style, followed by your first dance of the year with celebrations until 2 am. So dress up and welcome in the new year at the fabulous Glitter Ball."

Um, did I just register for some sort of FAIRY TALE or something, 'cause that's sure what it sounds like. I feel like buying a pair of glass slippers, or something!!! ^_^

BEYOND excited.

I never dreamed how cool this whole Couch Surfing thing could be, until now. I've only met one super cool girl so far, but that ain't too shabby for having been signed up with it for one month. Imagine all the awesome people around the world I can meet through it - all of whom share my passion for travel and adventure!! ^_^

As I bought my tickets and talked to Lili and started to plan out what I'll wear (I'm currently deciding between two dresses... but with a name like "Glitter Ball," I think I may have to go for the all gold, one sleeved number!), though, I started to think about the fact that 2013 was right around the corner and all the implications thereof. I asked myself what kinds of resolutions I'd make for 2013 and what I'd want to change. This made me start reflecting on 2012 (perhaps a little early).

In 2012 I have successfully lived the two (incredibly) separate lives I've always dreamed of having: One, in a fun and alternative city in an amazing apartment with a job that paid incredibly well and the love of my life. The other, in a culturally-rich and spectacular European city in a great, brand-new apartment with a job that made me feel fulfilled and surrounded by new and amazingly supportive and wonderful friends.

On first glance, I realized I really hadn't done too shabby this year! I've lived in incredible places and surrounded myself with interesting people and had jobs that I never would have dreamed of and had incredible freedom. Yet at the same time, I feel like between the two VERY distinct lives I've had this year, there has always been a part of my longing for the other one.

When I was in Portland, all I could think about some days was getting back to Madrid, walking the streets, seeing everyone from last summer, eating gazpacho, speaking Spanish, etc. But now that I'm in Madrid, every day there is a part of me that yearns for the yummy restaurants of PDX, the mini roadtrips to the coast in Moxie, the lazy days with delivery pizza or the adventurous days biking or hiking in which J and I could just be content and just BE, together.

It's true, when I was in PDX, I would never remember the days I was in Madrid when I'd felt so homesick. And now that I'm here, I don't vividly remember the nights I would spend alone in the apartment feeling lonely and forgotten, or the days at work when I would close my eyes and chant to myself, "one day you'll be back... one day you'll be back..."

I seem to have a bit of that "the grass is always greener" syndrome... and it can weigh on a girl surprisingly heavily. There always feels like there's something that's missing, and no matter how hard I try to reason with my heart, the hole is still there - whether I am in Portland or in Madrid.

When I was in PDX, the longing to return was not as acute, but the knowledge that I would someday put me both at peace and made me very anxious. Here, the longing for what was is very acute, but even the idea of going back makes me nauseous and I know that's not what I want - no matter how much I miss it or think about it every single day, all day long.

And so I guess what my resolution for 2013 will be is something like this: To find a way to be happy and at peace in the present moment, no matter where I am. To not dwell on the past and miss it terribly. To not dwell on the future and fear the unknown and worry about all the things that could happen to make me unhappy. But to be thankful and at peace with the past without it always replaying itself in my mind, but also without trying to block it out... while having unyeilding faith and sanguinity when it comes the future - all culminating in the ability to be absolutely happy with where I am, who I am, who I am with, and all that is in the present.

For the past five years I've honestly lived in this manner of thinking like Piglet:

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, while we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't?" said Pooh.
After careful thought, Piglet was comforted by this.

As 2013 begins, I would like to make a conscious effort to change my way of thinking to thinking more like Pooh. Instead of constantly dwelling on all the negative "What ifs...?", I would like to try thinking about all the "What's the best that could happens...?" This would be a radical shift for me. It truly would be. I've never been the type of girl who automatically goes to the positive - despite how giggly and cupcake loving and successful I might be... I'm never that default positive thinker.

My top common thoughts are: What if she's forgetting about me? What if she's much happier without me? What if I've made a huge mistake? What if I'm never truly happy with another person again? What if this is as successful and happy as I'll ever be? What if the future brings lonliness and misery? What if I'm not successful? What if I never find other people who love and understand me? What if I never find other people like me? What if I wake up in my 30's and haven't become anybody? What if I'm not as far along as I'm supposed to be?

Seriously.

Every. Single. Day.

 O_O

The eff?

And what's worse, is, this isn't just a new thing. This has been how I've thought for YEARS. It's been totally and utterly disproven time and time again. And yet, it persists. No matter where I am, who I'm with, who I'm without... I can think of three month long periods in which the incessant craziness subsided... but 90 days out of thousands is not such a good percentage.

And so my overall goal/resolution/intention for 2013 is to change my thinking. No - not just change - to overhaul it.

I want my thinking to be so polished and positive and grateful that I can be stuck on a desert island all by myself or in the country of my dreams or with my dream person or anywhere and feel at peace and full of happiness and hope.

I've proven to myself that I can go after what I want and get it. I've proven that very well and worked very hard to be able to say that. Now, I need to find a way to rewire my brain so that when I have what I've always wanted and achieved, I can finally be happy and grateful for it. I've said this for years, but nobody prepares a person for how difficult it is to remain at peace when you've gotten what you want. Call it "First World Problems," or whatever you'd like, but there' something to be said for the happiness intrinsic in the hard-work part. But keeping that level up after you have reached your goal - or, worse, after you have set a higher goal and now have to move on from what you'd worked so hard to accomplish and gained before - is incredibly and surprisingly difficult.

XOXO