I was walking with my chips and guac this afternoon, over to my bench by the feral kitties I sit at every Monday and Wednesday while waiting for my private lessons to begin. As I was walking, my mind wandered and I began to ponder what exactly I was doing this time last year. I thought about my job, my one friend, my home-life...
I admit I've fallen deep into that trap of longing for the past and forgetting to always see the wonderfulness of the present. But as I was walking, thinking about where I was - physically, emotionally and mentally - this time last year, it occurred to me that I wouldn't rather be anywhere but where I am. I don't even remember what life was like before my wonderful roomies. I don't even remember what life was like before my free nights wandering the streets of the beautifully enchanting city of Madrid and always finding a new, hidden street or a new, facinating building. I don't even remember what life was like before having a job inwhich I have complete freedom to use my creativity and my personality to teach and inspire tiny, optimistic people.
I believe it's safe to say that I've never felt this important and valued in so many peoples' lives at once - and certainly it's been a long while since I've felt this important and valued all on my own, by my little sweet self deep inside of me.
I no longer come home to an empty apartment and wonder when somebody is going to care enough to come home to me. My roommates are always so excited when I walk through that door. Every. Single Day. They always ask me all about my day. They always tell me all about theres. They always tell me how happy they are to see me or that they adore me or that I'm silly or that I'm crazy. They're always giggling with me (or at me - haha) and have a smile on their face. I feel like I'm somebody to them. I feel like they truly want to be around me. I feel like I positively impact their day. I feel like they would notice if I weren't around.
I didn't feel that way very often this time last year. Not at all. I KNEW I was important to someone, I KNEW I was adored, but I rarely truly felt like it. Instead I felt like I wasn't enough, like I wasn't deserving of time and energy and adoration. I felt like I was in the way. I felt like my presence was heavy. I felt like it was a chore to have me always around. I felt like I was in the way, or even sometimes forgotten. I didn't feel irreplaceable or adored for who I was in any sense of the word. I felt like I was broken and undeserving, and I didn't know what I'd done wrong nor how to fix it to get the attention and love I so craved.
This is in no way to blame anybody - other nor myself - but simply and observation. I read it in my chart far before it happened, so perhaps it was one of those moments in life that was created for some bigger reason. But to compare how I felt then to now - it's almost astonishing.
Those who are close to me but have never seen me out of my home country don't know this girl. This Chelsea is not the Chelsea that exists in America. This girl is autonomous and she knows it. She KNOWS her life is all up to her - and her alone - and is not just about to mess that up. Nobody in America has seen nor met this girl. They all think I go abroad to "run away from myself," but they don't understand that I'm running towards myself. This is where I thrive. This is where I can be who I am. How lucky I am to have found a place like that.
I was reading my "personal bible" the other day and flipped to the chapter about meditation for the first time. I'd always thought meditation was about clearing your mind, but when I read the chapter I was awestruck. He wrote about walking meditation, in which you walk for thirty minutes just taking in everything, observing every detail you can, seeing things from different perspectives, focusing on the minute details and the big picture all at once. The idea, he wrote, was that by doing this you became absolutely present in the "here and now." You couldn't help but be in the moment.
I smiled. THIS is what I do when I'm abroad. I could do this for days and never tire of it. I get off a random metro stop and I just start walking, looking at the buildings, the graffiti, the ground, the signs, the people, the pipes, the fonts, the food, the cracks, the stores, the sky, the posters, the lights - everything. I could spend a half hour on two blocks just taking it all in. I wander until I'm lost - that's when I'm happiest - and marvel at how much of the city I still haven't seen despite all of these long walks. While on these walks my past and my future don't exist - only the street before me and my divine and infinite curiousity and awe exist.
I then turned to the next meditation exercise - "Stopping." The writer suggests you do this multiple times and day and just stop whatever you're doing for 60 seconds and really focus intently on one thing around you. Oddly, I've always been very fond of doing just this. Last night, for example, on the metro I started focusing on the "Exit" drawing posted on the train. I started to wonder who drew it, how much he made, why he chose the color green, how he decided to put it on the left side of the train, why he didn't give the running man feet, what the designer's official title was, if he ever took the metro and marveled at his work, why he made the perspective so strange, etc. I became so immersed in this tiny sign that I didn't notice when three stops on the train went by and I was just about home.
At times it truly seems that appreciating and being curious about the tiniest things really makes it easier and more fun to examine things in your very personal life.
And so I want to take a paragraph to simply thank myself (myself from exactly 87 days ago) for being brave enough to risk everything she knew and held most important and dear and embark on this adventure. I know it was one of the hardest things you've had to do - I know it was scary and depressing and terrifying and lonely. I know you had to have a huge chunk of faith when faith was incredibly sparse. I know you often felt lost and like you had no idea what you were doing. I know you felt like you were throwing the only thing that kept you afloat away and you were completely unsure if you were making the gravest mistake of your life. But I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul for being brave enough to listen to that quiet little voice - to listen to me (to listen to yourself) - and to dive in all at once with everything you had in you.
I'm so very happy you're starting to see it now for yourself. I'm so very happy it's starting to make you happy again, because I know how sad you were for a very long time. I'm so happy you were brave enough to open yourself and listen to me when I would have those moments in which I could tell you to just keep going. But I want you to know - you haven't seen anything yet. This is only the beginning. Just because it's not scary and depressing and lonely anymore doesn't mean there isn't still an incredible amount of magic brewing behind the scenes - on the contrary! Now that we've gotten you back to the blissful place of self-love and support you were last summer, it's time to really start doing some incredibly, unbelieveably, wonderous and enchanted things.
And so I want to thank you for placing all of your faith into me (us) and risking it all. I promise not to disappoint you. <3 I'm so proud of how hard you worked and how devoted you've been. You keep up the moxie, the sanguinity and the tenacity and I'll keep up my end to find you the perfect people, places and experiences to help you create your dream life. Double pinkie swear promise. ;)
XOXO
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