I was kinda nervous to Skype J after her big bomb last weekend (kinda nervous may be an understatement... I may or may not have drank two full wine classes of vermouth and then bought wine to top it off... oops), but she'd txted me for a Skype date, and who am I to turn that down!?
The initial awkwardness lasted all of five minutes before we were back to our normal, giggly, sarcastic, adorable selves. :) I was relieved she'd somehow transformed into a new human being, but I quickly realized I was being pretty ridiculous. We did finally reach a point in the conversation, though, in which it was finally stated she wouldn't be coming to visit me in December.
I'd known this all along. Honestly, I'd known this before either of us even boarded our planes the last day we saw each other. I'd held on to a fun-size candy bar amount of hope, but deep down felt like it wasn't the right thing to happen right now. The feeling was mutual. I think we were both a little sad, but both a little relieved in some inexplicable way.
The truth is, this is just the way we fit together: we're together for awhile, and then we diverge paths to go do our own thing for awhile. Each and every time this happens I worry I'll never ever see her again or she'll fall out of my life for forever and we'll become people neither of us can even recognize anymore. When ranking my fears in life and how much time they take from me daily, this is without a doubt - and by a staggering margin - Fear #1.
But it's time to examine the facts and realize that we've been doing this ever since we met four and a half years ago. We've been in other relationships, we've been an ocean apart, we've even gone three months without speaking, but time has shown that no matter what happens, we'll always be of paramount importance to the other one and no relationship, ocean or amount of time can really change that. <3
I'm really great at visualizations and changing my perspective, etc. I think that's the one I need to work on next. It's been Fear #1 for FOUR and a HALF YEARS and it's completely and utterly unwarranted and has so been EMPIRICALLY proven over and over and over. Two lines from The Little Prince are important here: "It is the time that you have spent on your rose that makes your rose so important." "You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose."
The Little Prince has been my favorite book ever since I first read it in French at 15. I couldn't exactly explain why - I just knew I absolutely adored it. But the other day I was thinking about it when I realized it: the story of The Little Prince is the story of my life! Let's be honest, his rose is a bit of a selfish priss, and he gets sick of it and says, "Hey, eff this, I'm going to go travel to as many places I can in order to find out who I truly am and to figure out what to do with my life." The whole time he misses his rose, but he learns lessons and grows in ways he never would have had be just stayed on his asteroid alone with his rose.
And so I am the Little Prince, only I intend to be much more optimistic about my journey and find places and people I adore and grow into the girl I've always dreamed of being. But like the Little Prince, my rose will always be of utmost importance and my journey to explore and find myself will not last forever, either. <3
XOXO
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