We'll see what happens down the road, but I'm pretty sure today the universe finally sent me what I needed to change my perspective.
I've been feeling like in the past month I'd become virtually insignificant to the two people into whom I'd invested all of myself and my life. Yes, I had been the one who'd spurred it on, but I wondered, "How could they just stop caring about me like that?" No matter what I told myself to make myself feel better, that thought just kept eating me up from the inside out.
And then it happened.
It was so perfect and so unexpected and so funny that all I could do was look up to Conor and ask if he'd had something to do with this. Because all at once, all of my feelings of inadequacy, of competitiveness, of sadness, of being stuck and - especially - of insignificance drained out of me. Yes, it was an emotional oil change of sorts. ;) All my fears and doubts and insecurities surged down the drain.
My roommates looked at me like I was having a cathartic break. I guess I sorta was. All that pent-up negativity came gushing out for the first time in over year.
It was that feeling you get when your boss calls you and says, "You can take the day off." That feeling of blind-sighted relief over something you didn't even completely realize you were unhappy about. That sudden feeling of, "Wow! Now what!? The world is my oyster!"
I called up my friends and talked to them, with a genuine smile on my
face for the first time in a bit and couldn't help but giggle all the
while. I danced around the apartment, listening to every kind of music I pleased. I got on the computer and started looking up places to go in July. Not the predictable ones, but tropical islands like Maldives. Yes, Maldives has an opening for an English teacher in their 5 star resort to teach the staff English. UM, TEACHING ENGLISH IN PARADISE? I think so. Why have I been dreaming so small when I could be figuring out how to live on a beach at a tropical resort for the next year!?
My mind wandered back to a conversation I'd had with Cindy in the dressing room at work one morning while we were getting ready. It was a usual dreary morning, and we had our Starbucks in hand while putting on our makeup and doing our hair. I was going on about whatever had befallen me the night before and suddenly she said to me, "You know, you're different than the rest of us here. You're really going somewhere. You're really different and smart and you have your shit figured out. You can't let people hold you back just because they're not up there with you -- you need to do your own thing. Because you have so much potential to be successful. You can't let anybody stop you because you're so unique in this."
Her words had taken me aback. She was completely right, and as scared as I would be to admit it for the next eight months, I knew she was right.
In all the cutesy quotes and movies, nobody really ever explains that following your dreams is hard, not because you don't have faith in yourself to reach them, but because you have to give up the things you hold the most important to you in order to do so. It seems almost counter intuitive sometimes, actually.
But Cindy was right. And so I took a deep breath and followed her advice.
And until this afternoon, it had felt right, but so wrong at the same time. I had been second-guessing myself. Wondering if I knew what I was doing. Wondering if anything would be there in front of me when I arrived. But as soon as it happened, Cindy's words rang in my ears and I smiled. A real, honest, authentic, happy smile.
I had done it. I had picked the right fork in the road. Even when I was scared and unsure of myself, I had listened to the little girl inside of me and just gone for it. It may have taken 61 days to affirm my decision (two days in there my decision was briefly affirmed), but better late than never. ;)
It wasn't that I've been forgotten - no, just the opposite. It's that my absence can be felt so acutely. This is always something I never expect.
And so I took a moment to stop being upset with those two for seemingly abandoning me in my journey and start being grateful for their step to the side. I know they don't know it, but it's the most selfless thing they can do for me in this moment. This is my moment to decide. To create myself. To become Who I Am. Their central presence would only skew it. Would only make me question myself and life even more. Their step to the side is the most loving thing they can do for me for the time being, until I begin to formulate a perfect perspective all on my own.
I smiled again and silently thanked them. All I wanted was their presence. All I needed was their absence. I thanked them for being stronger than me to help me out with that. I thanked them for loving me enough to know even when I didn't.
Sometimes I realize how other people don't think like this; they don't think like I do. A lot of people are so busy making everything everyone else's fault that they never stop and see the divine flow and energy of it all. I am grateful I do. It might take me a little while sometimes, but I eventually see it. And I'm eventually able to come to peace with the universe inside myself.
Sixty-three days into this adventure and I finally am feeling that spark in my eyes and authenticity in my smile again. I am grateful for myself for always working hard to find myself and my happiness when I've lost it. I never give up on myself and I take chances for myself. I don't feel like a lot of people do this for themselves, and it makes me feel really loved and grateful to be Me. I know I'm almost back when the confident, reassuring, tenacious me that I talk to when I'm feeling depressed and lost starts to feel like who I am in the present. :) I'm very patient with myself and very determined. I'm brave with myself and willing to giggle at myself. <3 I know I'm different from everyone else, but when I get to that point where I realize how wonderful that is, that's when I'm back! ;)
All I wanted this weekend was to find a way to begin to rebuild my confidence.
And that's exactly what I've accomplished this weekend!! :oD With the help of my friends, exploring Madrid, buying a crazy awesome coat at CUSTO - Barcelona and no longer denying who I am and what makes me unique, cooking and eating yummy food, giving myself permission to lounge around and relax, dancing around my room listening to music, day dreaming, writing, painting, talking to friends in other countries, today, etc.
See, I thought I'd be so alone this weekend. I was so scared to have a four day weekend on my own. I almost began crying Wednesday night when I started to really think about it. But these past four days have shown me that I'm not alone at all - that I'm surrounded by friends who care about me - which is something I've always dreamed of but never felt like I had!
That's right - I have real friends now: Friends who will listen to me when I'm being a little crazy. Friends who will go into the city with me to explore. Friends who will go out to eat with me or on a little walk. Friends who will tell me to jump in their bed to play on the computer with them. Friends who will cook for me and I will cook for them. Friends who giggle at my colorful style and tell me I'm adorable. Friends who wander over to my room just to say hi and that they miss me.
I. Have. Friends. Amazing. <3 This is not lost on me at all. That this is something I drew over a decade ago - having a group of three other girl friends where we would travel, speak other languages, relax, hang out, giggle, eat, support each other. I had dreamed about this for sooooo long and now it's here. And I couldn't be more grateful!! <3
So, no... I don't really want to go back to school and my busy week and classes, etc. But maybe now that I'm back, I'll be able to change my perspective on teaching and my program - if only to make the next eight months seem more like a game and less like work. :)
XOXO
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