It's been a fair few days since I wrote a reflection blog, and it's been building up in there for some time. I finally got my second edition of "When Everything Changes, Change Everything" from Amazon.com - England last week and I reread through the whole thing in a matter of days, rehighlighting and writing notes in the margins. I had finally started to feel like I was finding myself when it arrived in the mail - perfect timing! ;)
I've watched "The Secret" since I was in high school. I've read the books. I've tried to follow the philosophies (when I'm emotionally lucid enough to do so). But between living my dream life in Europe, the huge change in all things important to me in America, my "personal bible" and Pinterest (yes, Pinterest)... something's starting to click that I've never seen or even considered before.
Yeah, I always understood the fundamental concept of positive thinking and visualization, etc. It made sense to me. For the most part, it worked for me (not always as quickly as I wanted it to!). But when I'd finally get what I'd been focusing so much time and energy on, I'd always end up feeling even more empty than I had when I had been desiring it. And I could never, ever figure out why. For years I thought it was just because I was so scared of losing what I'd worked so hard to get. But that wasn't exactly it...
There's this quote on Pinterest that I run across quite frequently:
"You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling."
At first, I didn't quite grasp the meaning. I thought I was dreaming big. But after reading it and rereading it, I started to think to myself, "How could I make what I'm dreaming more grandiose? What would that look like?
And I started to realize a step beyond what I wanted seemed totally too far-fetched. Like my head was truly in the clouds and I was being irrational. Which is when it hit me - my dreams weren't scaring me... they weren't crazy awesome things with which I was so passionate about I could just burst.
See, my dreams had always been people (and, occationally, places). I wanted to be in a relationship with THIS ONE person. I wanted to live in THIS ONE city. And that was what I wanted. When I got what I wanted, I was happy but would often feel empty.
And I began to realize that this is just how people "dream." They take the one thing they want that's just out of their grasp (perhaps for a very good reason sometimes!) and they decide that's what they want. Just that. They want that one person or that next raise or that new product, etc. That's where all their (and mine) dreams and aspirations lie.
But what if with just a little more effort and concentration (and exponential more passion!) you could get ANYTHING in the whole universe (and even perhaps some things that don't even yet exist in the universe). Anything. Not just that next raise - but a whole new job in paradise that you were absolutely in love with and made bank? Not just that one person - but somebody amazing and exotic and adoring of you? Not just that new product - but an experience that far outshines some material possession?
I don't think people think like that. I never did until a few weeks ago when I started working on my "Life Catalog." I made myself write down the top three things I would want if life had a catalog of experiences, people, things, etc. and I could just order anything I desired - no matter how farfetched or grandiose or crazy or amazing.
Admittedly, at first it was really tricky. My mind wasn't used to thinking that big. To thinking that far out of the box. My mind was accustomed (very accustomed - conditionally trained for the past 23 years) to think of what it thought it had a very real chance of getting and accomplishing. But after a lot of meditating and thinking and feeling and exploring and Pinteresting... it started to come to me.
I didn't just want to live in Europe... I want to live on a far of gorgeous tropic island paradise and spend my days sunkissed and blissful- and that'll just be one of many places I call home.
I didn't just want a new, cute sweater... I want a custom made Vespa with custom Louis Vuitton luggage.
I didn't just want a job teaching English... I want to be one of the highest paid language consultants in the world, working at high class resorts with the creme de le creme of clients. I want to be the best one there is on the whole planet and have waiting lists filled with politicians, celebrities, etc.
I didn't just want to have somebody who I can enjoy a good meal and a cuddle with... I want somebody who worships and adores me... who makes me feel like a princess they carry around in their pocket and sends me a bouquet of cupcakes to my work with a plane ticket underneath them to a jet-set weekend adventure just because they adore me and love to travel with me and make me feel like the most important and lucky girl in the world. Somebody who would fight for me no matter what - 'til the death... just to be able to hold my hand. Somebody who I would do the exact same thing for - no hestitation, no questions.
The more I thought about it, the more vivid and awe-inspiring they became. Everytime I drifted off into a day dream I would become wanderstruck and be carried to a far off land of pure happiness and bliss.
And then it hit me: Why not?
Why spend my time trying to get a job I'm not passionate about? Why spend my money on something I'm not totally enchanted by? Why spend my energy pining for somebody who doesn't totally adore me and who isn't willing to fight for me even when things aren't terribly tough?
No - I'm not that girl. That's not who I was born to be. That's not who my parents raised me to be. That's not who my teachers inspired me to become.
I'm different.
I spend time just pondering. Trying to figure out the secrets to life that most other people have never even dreamed existed. I spend time reflecting and reading and studying and meditating. So much time. In fact, I started reading the meditation chapter in my book and was shocked that the things I do daily are considered to be high forms of meditation. Walking meditation. Focusing meditation. Shower meditation. Even (especially) writing meditation! All things involving pure focus, positive energy and curiosity. And here I thought it just meant a complete emptying of the mind! Not always - not by a long shot. No matter meditation is so preached about!
At first I asked myself, if something like this were truly possible, wouldn't everyone have figured it out and done it? But after careful thinking, I realized no, not at all. It's something that takes extreme faith in yourself and the universe. It's something that takes an adventurous, sanguine spirit. It's something that takes a huge risk and extreme openness. And it's something that takes daily work.
My book talks about how positive energy only really starts to work when it's not just an experiment you're doing, but when you start to truly believe what you're invisioning and working towards. This week, I started to reach that level. There is no longer any part of me that doubts that I can do anything I want, live wherever I want, find the perfect, dream job, meet the most amazing and adoring people... after weeks of focusing on nothing but this, it no longer seems like an outlandish daydream - it's just where I'm headed.
Sometimes I forget Conor there is to help guide the way. But more often than that, I forget the philosophy I came up with in high school - the one where I began to believe that our lives were written out by our very selves before we ever got to this planet. We had a magical pen and sheet of paper and we wrote everything on there we wanted to experience, everyone we wanted to meet and be in a relationship with, etc. And I know I'm an extrodinarily creative writer when I put my mind to it. ;)
Nothing has been boring so far in my life, and I know that nothing will ever be. Sometimes I just have to open myself up to what I wrote and have faith in myself that I knew what I was doing when I wrote it all out and that "[I] haven't missed it - it's all ahead of [me] - and [I] know what to do" (lyrics from a Sheryl Crow song - haha).
And so it is with great moxie, sanguinity and tenacity (my three favorite qualities and words!!) that every molecule of my being embraces this new philosophy. If this is how far I've come with just knowing half of "The Secret," imagine where I could go, who I could be, what I could accomplish and who I could meet now that I've had a glimpse at this other half.
I've never wanted to be the "normal" girl, nor have I EVER been the "normal" girl. I won't be the girl who marries somebody because it's the "right time." I won't be the girl who settles for a cookie cutter "adult" job just because she's of "adult" age. I won't be the girl who lives somewhere or does or is with somebody because it is "comfortable." Another Pinterest quote says: "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." And: "Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone."
In my experience, these two sentiments are unequivocally true.
I've always been so very drawn to the lyrics in Ani's song "Alla This" where she sings, "I will maintain the truth I knew naturally as a child. I won't forfeit my creativity to a world that's all laid out for me. I'll look at everything around me, and I will vow to bear in mind that alla this was just someone's idea, it could just as well be mine."
Her lyrics always rang so true for me, and yet I never quite knew how to realistically relate them to my life. For the first time, I'm starting to see how... and it's comforting to know that there are others that feel this way and have used this belief to create a life they passionately adore.
And so I will keep my amazing adventure up here in Spain and I will use every ounce of my free time to keep meditating on exactly what I want my life to look like and figure out how to make it happen. I will continue to be grateful for everything I have and everything that brought me to where I am. I will continue to cultivate the amazing relationships I am blessed with in my life and I will continue to take time to read my book. I will continue to just breathe and just be, feeling myself transport itself to wherever I'm next meant to be according to my inner, creative and awe-inspiring and fearless self. She's always trusted me, but now I'm starting to give up a bit of my ego at a time and be all in, right there with her. <3
XOXO
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