*warning... rambling train of thought blog... apologies*
While sleep-walking the halls of the colegio again today, I knew I had to just admit it. I know it's only been two weeks, but better to not let myself live in a grand delusion any longer than I necessary. The truth is this: Teaching is not my passion now, nor will it ever be. To be a teacher you must have patience with human beings - young and old alike. To be a teacher, you must be strict and consistent - two things I'm definitely not (and especially not when it comes to children). To be a teacher you must be somewhat outgoing. I realize I'm an Aries, but when that sun sign is going to kick in, I have no idea. For now, I'm content working in an environment that has as few people as possible, save those very clever, talented ones I aspire to be (such a species of human is endangered, but not extinct). To be a teacher you need to be okay with the fact that 75% of class time is just a big waste of everybody's time and you must be satisfied if a third of the group learns a quarter of what you wanted them to learn that day. To be a teacher you must not only be good at self-sacrifice, but be passionate about it. To be a teacher, you must value the future of your students' over that of yourself.
I am far too impatient, anti-social, lenient (or harsh, depending on the situation) and selfish to ever make a halfway decent teacher. To be a teacher, you have to realize that the class isn't going to quiet down after the first time you ask - nor will they after the 24th time you ask, and you have to be more or less okay with this. I am not. I am enraged at this. It makes me want to cuss them all out and tell them to get over their "cutesy" bullsh*t and grow up, because I know they're just trying to get attention. I was a kid not too long ago. I know these things.
I'm not at all upset that I will still be spending my year learning about education, however. A Master's in Bilingual and Multicultural Education is certainly something I plan on displaying in my study when I'm older and putting in my biography on the back flap of my first published book. It sounds good. A year of kicking it in Spain in a wonderful apartment with nice roomies and adventures all around is not a bad trade-off for studying something I suddenly realize I have little interest in, in terms of future career choice. But it does mean I'll need to start brain storming what it is my adult self wants to do come July of 2013. Because I'm sure not going back to my old job and I'm totally done with the food industry, thank you very much.
And this brings us to the pressing question: What am I passionate about?
I know I enjoy traveling. I know I enjoy the challenge of languages. And I know I like to be creative and create. I guess those are passions. But what magic potion do I throw into that mix to create a real career? I looked up a "7 Steps to Finding Your Passion" article and answered the questions, hoping to come closer to an answer...
What puts a smile on your face?
West Coast Swing is the one fool proof thing that always puts a smile on my face. I have to make myself go, but once I'm there I can't help but smile and giggle and have the best time. Other than that, languages, writing, creating, clever people and their witty conversations, traveling, journaling with music in a quiet, secret place.
What do you find easy?
Writing. Learning languages, but not necessarily using them in real life. Being funny without meaning to be.
What sparks your creativity?
Travel. It makes me see things differently and write about things I would have never dreamed to write about. A cute outfit, too, can make me feel a million times more creative and invincible. :)
What would you do for free?
I would love to be the editor of the Free People catalogue - or an artistic director / model / traveling culture consultant to pick out their next photoshoot destination and make the reservations and find the beautiful places and then put together the catalogue with art and photos and clever writing. This would be bliss.
What do you like to talk about?
Travel adventures, for sure. When I first got back from Spain I couldn't shut up about them for months (and even after that, I just started telling new people so I could keep chatting on and on about it!). Also, writing and language and life philosophies.
What makes you unafraid of failure?
Being alone in a foreign city and left to adventure. This makes me feel invincible. Give me a metro map and a base knowledge of the language and I'm ready. I'm always confused by people who say this would scare the shit out of them, because I've never been able to see how you could even "fail" at such a thing? Worst that could happen is a miscommunication or you end up on the incorrect line of public transportation, I suppose?
What would you regret not having tried?
Travel to at least 50 countries. Work in a creative field in which I was respected and admired and loved for being unique and wanderlust.
Honestly, my dream job would be to go to photo-shoots around the world and writing about my experiences abroad for a magazine or catalog, but not just as a correspondent, but as one of the people in charge - like the person who creates the look of the final copy and writes for it and travels for it. I'm not really that good at design, I suppose, but I feel like I could provide the written, jet-set passion and help with design until I really grasped it. Like how Free People does a new photo-shoot with a new theme on-site every month for their elegant, eclectic catalog and how it's a huge part of their branding. Something where I'm part of a bigger thing, but I'm in charge of my portion of it.
There's some quote about how sometimes the key that opens the door to your paradise is the last one you try. I think I'm experiencing something like that. Living in Spain: I got that right. Becoming a teacher: I got that wrong. One step at a time. I feel like I should have my foot in the door somewhere by now and be successful already, but I guess 23 isn't actually that old and going abroad to work on a Master's degree (half in a foreign language) isn't too shabby or embarrassing compared to other people my age... It's just that, growing up, I had this image of my in my early/mid twenties striding along with my teacup yorkie in some exotic city knowing that I am loved, successful and well respected in my field. I guess the only things I'm missing are the yorkie and the field... but 3/5 ain't bad. ;)
I tried the teaching thing. I tried to be a "productive member of society" and help "change the future" and blah blah blah, but it's just not me. I'll leave that job to those of you who are more outgoing and selfless. I'm just not down to spend my life in a classroom where 50% of the time I'm babysitting perfectly capable beings, 40% of the time I'm giving them busy work I think is ridiculous but am told I must give out and 10% actually teaching something - though not being sure if even a third of the class is grasping a fourth of what I'd set out to teach that morning. I've been in classes these past two weeks with a few wonderful teachers, and I'm really grateful to have the opportunity to work with them this year, but I'm just not cut out to be teacher material like they are! o_O I can't tell a kid he can't go to the bathroom because he should have thought of it earlier. I'm that person who doesn't think about the bathroom until it's too late, myself, at times! I can't tell a kid to color their picture better and faster or I'll make them sit there and finish it until the whole class is yelling at them to hurry up so they can go out for recess. I can't yell at a kid for sitting on his chair sideways; those chairs look way uncomfortable and I'm always sitting with my feet underneath me. I can't tell a class I'm very disappointed in their behavior because it just sounds crushing, even if it's true. And because I can't do any of these things, I'd have a bunch of hooligans running around a zoo laughing at me and slapping my butt and trying to look down my shirt and telling me I'm boring and only saying the words "butt" and "poop" and throwing things at me and laughing at me like one of the kids I tutored this evening was doing to me until I picked her up and threw her into her room and closed the door and wished I could have smacked her like a groundhog in that one bop-a-groundhog game at Chuck E. Cheese. Like, seriously. What the hell?
The real issue is this: I want all the kids to be mini mes. I believe I was a near perfect child to have as a student and I feel all kids should be like I was. I wanted to learn. I was quiet. I was respectful. I was patient. I was attentive. I was creative and clever. Gosh darnit. And I never screamed or threw things or talked back or refused to answer a question or played dumb or slapped a teacher's *ss. I wanted the teacher to ignore the idiots and just teach me. And thus I want to BE the teacher that ignores the dolts and just teaches to the intelligent ones... but then, it seems 95% of teaching is correcting the behavior issues of the most obnoxious and leaving the smart ones to fend for themselves - because at least they're not being so ridiculous you want to slug them.
If I EVER have to use this degree, it's going to be in a gifted and talented middle school, like Challenge. And if any kid gets stupid, I'll just tell them they can leave the school, because it's only for those that care and know how to behave and they're just not good enough.
See?
I would make an awful teacher.
I just can't treat kids like KIDS - I treat them like mini adults, so when they do something ridiculous, I want to blast them like I would a college frat bro.
At this point I'm doing this Master's thing for a reason to stay in Spain... and something cool to put in my obituary in 70 years. ;) HA.
RAWR.
I feel better after that rant.
So sorry.
In POSITIVE NEWS:
1) Today was my first mini payday, so it means I've officially been paid for work I've done in euros! YAY!
2) I made sweet and sour chicken tempura for dinner with a sushi cucumber salad. It was delicious and my roomie, Katie, called me the "Carrefour Whisperer" because I'm always finding the weird, international, delicious ingredients in the weird corners and aisles that nobody else can find or even think to look for. :) Hell yes.
3) I wandered into the new store in Alcala called "Taste of America," where they sell AMERICAN food that AMERICANS crave but don't know why. Today I bought COTTON CANDY BUBBLICIOUS GUM (OMG!!!! - I haven't seen THAT in the US for years!!) and Mint Milanos (omg yummy!!!). The Milanos were only 3 euro, which is funny, because that's practically cheaper than they are at home... o_O *score* It was cute to see Spaniards in there asking each other what the hell most of the things were in the store. Aww... welcome to our world when we go to your grocery store. ;)
4) I was told that the two extra hours I will be working starting in October will not be paid because they are "voluntary" but that should I chose not to volunteer to teach the courses (during half of my lunch break), then I will no longer be entitiled to free meals and free transportation to and from school. o_O SOMEBODY needs to look up the meaning of "voluntary" it seems... Hahaha. Abby and I had a good shit-talking about this, and it made me feel much better. :)
5) Jorge sent me an email and my official day of phone service shall be Friday! YAY!
XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment