This was the first Christmas in my life that I woke up in the afternoon. At 1 pm to be precise. And even waking up so late, I only got six hours of sleep!!! Oh, but so, so worth it. ;)
The day was filled with yet another lunch party at the friend´s house (there were some serious leftovers that needed to be tended to) and another night filled with awesome company (including a plastic pig, named Gina, who provided most of the entertainment with her oinks and her Santa hat!!).
I absolutely love it here. <3
XOXO
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Day 112: Merry Christmas Eve!
Where do I even start???
I have been here for 48 hours and I already feel like I have a total life set up here - a cute place with awesome people to live with, really hilarious friends from around Europe, yummy food, etc. I am absolutely in nirvana here. ;) For real. If I had flew here to move here, I would feel like I had made the best choice in the world. Never have I been surrounded by such chill, happy, funny, linguistic and cultural mix of people. Some people were speaking Italian, some were speaking Portuguese, one girl and I were speaking Spanish. It is just my absolute version of bliss!!
Yesterday night we went over to a friend´s house for Christmas dinner. We packed into the car (in the backseat, squished between two Brazilian twins wasn´t exactly the worst way to start off the night - haha), which was super weird once I realized I would be driven in a car with the steering wheel on the right side of the car!! Bah!! ;)
I do this weird thing when I am abroad where I have "I cannot believe this is happening. My life is so cool." moments and take a mental photo of them. I did it when I was in Brazil with B, when I was in Malaga with L and last night when I was in that car here in Dublin. They are moments when I feel like I must be in a movie, because it´s just too ridiculously cool to be real life. To be my real life.
And things only got better as the night went on!
I was a little nervous about going to this dinner with their friends, as I didn´t know anybody (heck, I barely knew the people who were taking me there!), and I am generally not the type of person to enjoy social gatherings. I usually feel out of place, bored and, at a certain point, plain annoyed. I am very shy in bigger gatherings and generally come off as a bit bitchy and awkward because of it. But last night? Last night was different. Last night was awesome.
It was right after I told people flat out honestly about my life in Portland last year (something I am not keen on doing with people whom I barely know), that they all began to like me. You know that phrase that goes something like, "Be yourself - those who like you will like you all the more for it." Welp, turns out it might just be onto something. Within no time I was having hilarious conversations with bunches of people and loving every single second of it. That´s right - LOVING it. WHEN have I EVER loved a social gathering with people (especially people I do not know!!?!). Like, never?
At one point Lucia (the girl from Spain) said to me, "It is too bad you are only going to be here for a few days, ´cause we would really have fun together!!" I giggled. Sebastian nodded his head in agreement to Lucia, "Yeah, Chelsea is REALLY cool!!"
^_^
Um, I am pretty sure that is the first time anybody I just met has ever said anything like that.
YAY!!!
I am cool!
I wanted this trip to be a huge jumping off point for me. One of those life changing moments that would draw a definitive line in the sand of "before" and "after." I am two days into this trip and I can tell you, it´s working. ;)
The dinner was really yummy, the company was really awesome and I even managed to drink three beers (a first in my life... no joke)...
Which might explain why I thought I could try speaking Portuguese for the first time in two years????? Hahaha... oh man.
I pride myself on being so great at Romance Languages, but when it comes down to it, I feel like I´ve been thrown into the deep end of an enormous pool... with a pair of really adorable water-wings... and it´s a sink or swim kind of situation. I am beyond certain that in this moment I sank pretty badly, but apparently just attempting to speak it won me adorability points (thank God)... and, in all fairness, I understood 95% of what he was saying. :)
Sometimes, it´s not about how well you can speak a language, but rather how well you can attempt to understand it and how hard you try. I am realizing this more and more as I meet people from other countries who are speaking English to me. It is far from perfect sometimes, but I understand absolutely all of it and to me, who cares about the rest!? Maybe it is the same way when I am speaking a language with an awful accent and messing everything up... but if I can be understood... WIN!!
After Secret Santa presents and more conversation and dessert, it was time to head home (by this point it was almost 3 am and a few of us were pretty darned exhausted - especially since I have not gone to bed before 4 am in the past three days)...
...
I have been here for 48 hours and I already feel like I have a total life set up here - a cute place with awesome people to live with, really hilarious friends from around Europe, yummy food, etc. I am absolutely in nirvana here. ;) For real. If I had flew here to move here, I would feel like I had made the best choice in the world. Never have I been surrounded by such chill, happy, funny, linguistic and cultural mix of people. Some people were speaking Italian, some were speaking Portuguese, one girl and I were speaking Spanish. It is just my absolute version of bliss!!
Yesterday night we went over to a friend´s house for Christmas dinner. We packed into the car (in the backseat, squished between two Brazilian twins wasn´t exactly the worst way to start off the night - haha), which was super weird once I realized I would be driven in a car with the steering wheel on the right side of the car!! Bah!! ;)
I do this weird thing when I am abroad where I have "I cannot believe this is happening. My life is so cool." moments and take a mental photo of them. I did it when I was in Brazil with B, when I was in Malaga with L and last night when I was in that car here in Dublin. They are moments when I feel like I must be in a movie, because it´s just too ridiculously cool to be real life. To be my real life.
And things only got better as the night went on!
I was a little nervous about going to this dinner with their friends, as I didn´t know anybody (heck, I barely knew the people who were taking me there!), and I am generally not the type of person to enjoy social gatherings. I usually feel out of place, bored and, at a certain point, plain annoyed. I am very shy in bigger gatherings and generally come off as a bit bitchy and awkward because of it. But last night? Last night was different. Last night was awesome.
It was right after I told people flat out honestly about my life in Portland last year (something I am not keen on doing with people whom I barely know), that they all began to like me. You know that phrase that goes something like, "Be yourself - those who like you will like you all the more for it." Welp, turns out it might just be onto something. Within no time I was having hilarious conversations with bunches of people and loving every single second of it. That´s right - LOVING it. WHEN have I EVER loved a social gathering with people (especially people I do not know!!?!). Like, never?
At one point Lucia (the girl from Spain) said to me, "It is too bad you are only going to be here for a few days, ´cause we would really have fun together!!" I giggled. Sebastian nodded his head in agreement to Lucia, "Yeah, Chelsea is REALLY cool!!"
^_^
Um, I am pretty sure that is the first time anybody I just met has ever said anything like that.
YAY!!!
I am cool!
I wanted this trip to be a huge jumping off point for me. One of those life changing moments that would draw a definitive line in the sand of "before" and "after." I am two days into this trip and I can tell you, it´s working. ;)
The dinner was really yummy, the company was really awesome and I even managed to drink three beers (a first in my life... no joke)...
Which might explain why I thought I could try speaking Portuguese for the first time in two years????? Hahaha... oh man.
I pride myself on being so great at Romance Languages, but when it comes down to it, I feel like I´ve been thrown into the deep end of an enormous pool... with a pair of really adorable water-wings... and it´s a sink or swim kind of situation. I am beyond certain that in this moment I sank pretty badly, but apparently just attempting to speak it won me adorability points (thank God)... and, in all fairness, I understood 95% of what he was saying. :)
Sometimes, it´s not about how well you can speak a language, but rather how well you can attempt to understand it and how hard you try. I am realizing this more and more as I meet people from other countries who are speaking English to me. It is far from perfect sometimes, but I understand absolutely all of it and to me, who cares about the rest!? Maybe it is the same way when I am speaking a language with an awful accent and messing everything up... but if I can be understood... WIN!!
After Secret Santa presents and more conversation and dessert, it was time to head home (by this point it was almost 3 am and a few of us were pretty darned exhausted - especially since I have not gone to bed before 4 am in the past three days)...
...
Monday, December 24, 2012
Day 112: Dublin
I stayed up until 3:30 talking, watching dance videos and dancing a bit of Forro. Ah-mazing. ;)
I was awoken at 10am to get ready to go on a walk around the city with the Brazilian twins!! :-P They showed me all around Dublin, pointing out the big cathedrals (like St. Patricks), the pubs (like Temple) and Grafton St. - the main shopping street. We crossed the river and they told me about the big statue that replaced the one that they demolished that represented England. We went to buy little presents for the Secret Santa gift exchange tonight and we listened to some surprisingly good music on the streets. We bought lots of beer (and I bought a Mixed Fruit Cider that the girl recommended!). I even got an Irish squished penny!
But the most amazing thing... by far... was seeing a VW Bug, with the steering wheel on the other side!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait to find a yellow bug like that and start taking millions and millions of pictures of it!!!!!!!!!
And that has been the day so far. Hanging out with Brazilians makes me miss Brazil. I am surprised how much Portuguese I can understand, considering the last time I used it was two years ago. It is all making me seriously consider moving to Brazil for three months after my program is up in July... hmmm...
More later!
XOXO
I was awoken at 10am to get ready to go on a walk around the city with the Brazilian twins!! :-P They showed me all around Dublin, pointing out the big cathedrals (like St. Patricks), the pubs (like Temple) and Grafton St. - the main shopping street. We crossed the river and they told me about the big statue that replaced the one that they demolished that represented England. We went to buy little presents for the Secret Santa gift exchange tonight and we listened to some surprisingly good music on the streets. We bought lots of beer (and I bought a Mixed Fruit Cider that the girl recommended!). I even got an Irish squished penny!
But the most amazing thing... by far... was seeing a VW Bug, with the steering wheel on the other side!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait to find a yellow bug like that and start taking millions and millions of pictures of it!!!!!!!!!
And that has been the day so far. Hanging out with Brazilians makes me miss Brazil. I am surprised how much Portuguese I can understand, considering the last time I used it was two years ago. It is all making me seriously consider moving to Brazil for three months after my program is up in July... hmmm...
More later!
XOXO
Day 111 (Part II): Dublin!
Traveling alone (at least for me) is one of the most zen things in the world. I arrived to the airport by train, realized I had no idea where Terminal One was, walked around aimlessly until I found the shuttle, got to Terminal One, found the line for RyanAir, met a Chinese girl and spoke to her in Spanish about going to Dublin (haha), gave my passport to the RyanAir man, had him smile at me and stamp it without even looking at my bag nor weighing it, went through security and another security checkpoint, flirted a bit with the cute guy checking my passport in Spanish (I love the phrase ¬ y eso? ¬ I cannot really explain why... it just feels like a way of automatically making friends with someone a few sentences into a first conversation.), went to Starbucks for a Caesar and waited for the flight. There is never any stress when I am traveling alone. Never any anxiety. Just calm excitement. :)
Upon landing in Dublin I found my way to the buses and was beyond excited to realize that
1) Public transportation buses are, in fact, double decker buses here!!!
2) The steering wheel is on the wrong side of the cars, and the cars drive on the wrong side of the road!!!
3) The accents are super subtle. Weird.
I rode the bus, looking out the window like an awestruck puppy. :) This sounds funny to say, but Ireland looks like how you would imagine it would. There are a bunch of pubs that look just like the knock-offs in America. There are big, beautiful churches and buildings. The streets are a little windy and there are cobblestone streets. So. Quaint!!
As I was walking in the general direction of my first CouchSurfing experience, I heard a guy my age on his phone talking in Spanish. For whatever reason, I had not realized that just because I was not going to America did not mean that I would not have that strange, disorienting feeling that comes with suddenly being able to understand every single word that is being spoken around you without trying. It is soooo strange after you have been living in another language for months!!! So hearing a few minutes of Spanish oddly calmed my mind and made me feel even happier than I already was!
I continued walking, taking in all of my new surroundings when the guy who had been speaking Spanish asked if I was lost. I was sorta looking at all the street signs and then looking at my map... ha. What was really confusing, though, was that he asked me in ENGLISH if I was lost. You would think that being an English teacher and all I would be used to speaking English with others, but being spoken to in my native language outside on the street totally caught me off guard. It was jarring and awesome at the same time!
The guy helped me find where I was going and it was really cute to have company on my walk. We took turns speaking in Spanish and English. :) Eventually we found the address I had written down and we parted ways.
It is a really strange feeling to arrive at a doorstep and ring a doorbell without really having much of a idea what type of person is going to answer, but know that you will be staying with them for five days. When Maite answered, I sorta awkwardly introduced myself. But after she introduced me to her two other roomies and we giggled a bit, I already felt totally welcome and at home!
Maite, Lucas and Mateus are Brazilian and that makes me totally happy! I love Brazilians. They are so chill and so nice. When arrived they were hard at work on salads for tomorrow´s Christmas Eve lunch we are having with 10 other friends. The coolest part was that the dishes they were making were totally Brazilian and dishes I KNEW from being in Brazil and with Brazilian! I started naming them all and talking about my favorite foods (and drinks) from Brazil and about being in a sitiu two years ago for New Year´s Eve and they started laughing.
I love being a traveler. You live in Madrid, travel to Dublin, stay with people from Brazil and bond over their culture, which you got to know from traveling there a few years ago. So. Awesome.
Even more adorable is that they only speak in English when I am in the room, but they switch back to Portuguese when I am in the other room. From experience I would like to say I know how tricky that is. For real. But it is so sweet of them!! It´s fun to hear them speaking Portuguese, too, though... since I can understand some of it! :)
As I write this it is 1 am and they are still cutting potatoes and carrots for the salads and I am on the couch writing my blog and playing Brazilian DJ. :) I was a little nervous about this whole CouchSurfing thing, but if tonight is any indication, I think I have finally found a community of strange people like myself who love traveling and languages as much as I do, but are still friendly, silly and chill. Could it be!?
XOXO
Upon landing in Dublin I found my way to the buses and was beyond excited to realize that
1) Public transportation buses are, in fact, double decker buses here!!!
2) The steering wheel is on the wrong side of the cars, and the cars drive on the wrong side of the road!!!
3) The accents are super subtle. Weird.
I rode the bus, looking out the window like an awestruck puppy. :) This sounds funny to say, but Ireland looks like how you would imagine it would. There are a bunch of pubs that look just like the knock-offs in America. There are big, beautiful churches and buildings. The streets are a little windy and there are cobblestone streets. So. Quaint!!
As I was walking in the general direction of my first CouchSurfing experience, I heard a guy my age on his phone talking in Spanish. For whatever reason, I had not realized that just because I was not going to America did not mean that I would not have that strange, disorienting feeling that comes with suddenly being able to understand every single word that is being spoken around you without trying. It is soooo strange after you have been living in another language for months!!! So hearing a few minutes of Spanish oddly calmed my mind and made me feel even happier than I already was!
I continued walking, taking in all of my new surroundings when the guy who had been speaking Spanish asked if I was lost. I was sorta looking at all the street signs and then looking at my map... ha. What was really confusing, though, was that he asked me in ENGLISH if I was lost. You would think that being an English teacher and all I would be used to speaking English with others, but being spoken to in my native language outside on the street totally caught me off guard. It was jarring and awesome at the same time!
The guy helped me find where I was going and it was really cute to have company on my walk. We took turns speaking in Spanish and English. :) Eventually we found the address I had written down and we parted ways.
It is a really strange feeling to arrive at a doorstep and ring a doorbell without really having much of a idea what type of person is going to answer, but know that you will be staying with them for five days. When Maite answered, I sorta awkwardly introduced myself. But after she introduced me to her two other roomies and we giggled a bit, I already felt totally welcome and at home!
Maite, Lucas and Mateus are Brazilian and that makes me totally happy! I love Brazilians. They are so chill and so nice. When arrived they were hard at work on salads for tomorrow´s Christmas Eve lunch we are having with 10 other friends. The coolest part was that the dishes they were making were totally Brazilian and dishes I KNEW from being in Brazil and with Brazilian! I started naming them all and talking about my favorite foods (and drinks) from Brazil and about being in a sitiu two years ago for New Year´s Eve and they started laughing.
I love being a traveler. You live in Madrid, travel to Dublin, stay with people from Brazil and bond over their culture, which you got to know from traveling there a few years ago. So. Awesome.
Even more adorable is that they only speak in English when I am in the room, but they switch back to Portuguese when I am in the other room. From experience I would like to say I know how tricky that is. For real. But it is so sweet of them!! It´s fun to hear them speaking Portuguese, too, though... since I can understand some of it! :)
As I write this it is 1 am and they are still cutting potatoes and carrots for the salads and I am on the couch writing my blog and playing Brazilian DJ. :) I was a little nervous about this whole CouchSurfing thing, but if tonight is any indication, I think I have finally found a community of strange people like myself who love traveling and languages as much as I do, but are still friendly, silly and chill. Could it be!?
XOXO
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Day 111: Epic Euro Adventure Begins!!!
I stayed up 'til 5:30 am last night skyping B. >_< Awesome, but I'm kinda sleepy (whowouldaguessed)!! *yawn* But right now the adreniline is taking over and all I can do is dance around to Ke$ha's "Tik Tok"!!! ^_^
I'm not sure when I'll be able to find internet access, but when I can I'll try to post. I'll also be keeping a journal every day so that I can upload it all when I get to an internet connection for a prolonged period of time. AND I promise to take a million pictures!! Weeeeee!!!! EEEK!
Travel Itinerary:
Dublin (23-27)
London (27-1)
Amsterdam (1-5)
Brussels (5-7)
If I cannot get online before hand, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!
XOXOXO
I'm not sure when I'll be able to find internet access, but when I can I'll try to post. I'll also be keeping a journal every day so that I can upload it all when I get to an internet connection for a prolonged period of time. AND I promise to take a million pictures!! Weeeeee!!!! EEEK!
Travel Itinerary:
Dublin (23-27)
London (27-1)
Amsterdam (1-5)
Brussels (5-7)
If I cannot get online before hand, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!
XOXOXO
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Day 110: Pancake Photo
So yesterday at the Christmas Festival my memory card became full. I had to go back and quickly delete pictures so that I had room to continue recording clips of the kids' dances. Almost 75% of the memory card was full of pictures of you and us. It had been too hard for me to look at and delete before, but I had no choice, so I started quickly going through them. I knew I had them on my computer and on facebook, but had just felt wrong to delete them until I absolutely needed to.
As I was scrolling through and deleting in a rush, I came across one that made me pause. It was a picture of you at our pancake place. The one that puts bacon in your Bloody Marys. I had taken a bunch of pictures in a row of you showing me your pancake you'd created... and in one of them you'd put your guard down for a split second and I had captured that look you give me.
That secret, ineffable look that makes me feel like you're little spirit is looking through me and into my little spirit. That look that's so full of innocence and awe and pure love. That look that can make me immediately melt.
I did a double take and instinctively went to pass it but not delete it, fearing it would make me too sad to stare at it any longer. But a split second of reason later and I was back staring down at it, instead absolutely shocked by how much joy and clarity it brought me seeing you with that adorable, slightly goofy smile on your face.
A few days ago I skyped my mom and told her all about everything for the first time and her response was unlike anything I had expected. By the end of our conversation my entire perspective on everything that had been making me feel so small had dramatically been thrown on its head. Suddenly I no longer felt small and forgotten, but rather truly loved and oh-so-important. Suddenly I didn't feel like there was something intrinsically and inexplicably wrong with who I was, but rather extremely lucky and blessed for who I was.
It was an epiphany four and a half years in coming. Literally.
The more I thought about it, the more I it all made sense. And the more it all made sense, the more I saw everyone as innocent. And the more I saw everyone as innocent, the more light I felt.
Looking down at her happy little face in that picture from a day we were together this summer just doing what we do, I could see the authenticity and depth to that happiness and love and all at once I finally understood.
I admit the original impetus behind the epic trip I'm about to embark on was her decision not to visit me like we'd planned on for nearly a year. I was so hurt and so upset that I realized I needed to do something CRAZY. I needed to SOMEHOW make this the best thing that could have happened. I could either spend two weeks miserable, lonely and bitter at home or I could rally all of the sanguinity I had left in me and just do something amazing and absurd. I wanted it to be the grand gesture of "I DON'T NEED YOU - SEE WHAT I CARE IF YOU DITCH ME AND TRY TO REPLACE ME. GO FOR IT!"
Nothing motivates a girl like being hurt by the one person they care about more than anyone else. And as it turns out, this is not necessarily a bad thing. I gave myself until the weekend of my departure to fall apart and piece myself back together. I journaled a ton. I listened to a select few songs on repeat. I spewed my verbal and emotional diarrhea all over my poor but amazingly patient roommate. I talked to my parents. I let myself just feel however I felt like feeling when nobody was around.
To a certain extent, my fear was never that I wouldn't sort everything out and be happy again - my fear was always that I would. I'd always thought that being in love but being miserable was better than just not being in love. Little did I realize there was a third option; it sounds gushy and fluffy, but - loving yourself. I've taken the past four months to begin to figure out how to do just that. And let me just say, it's surprisingly tricky and takes a lot of patience and faith. A lot of music and good friends. A lot of Pinterest time and a lot of things to fill your time. A lot of quality conversations with your family. A lot of reading in your favorite book. A lot of asking your friend who's now somewhere busy being a spirit it he's still around and could help out. A lot of little kids who worship you - or, at least, it's helpful. ;)
After looking at that picture yesterday and feeling nothing but happiness and love looking at it, I realized I'm ready for this trip. It's no longer an adventure being embarked upon out of spite and hurt, but rather an adventure inspired by love and fearless autonomy. Researching all of the places I want to see, talking to all of the Couch Surfing hosts and friends I'm going meet, getting ready for the Glitter Ball - it's like my dream life. I was telling my dad about it last night and I could tell that he was proud of me and my upcoming journey. And it hit me just how crazy the whole thing is:
I've purchased five plane tickets. I have found five people I've never met to host me. I have printed maps upon maps planning my whole trip in four different countries. I have figured out how to take the worst thing to happen to me this semester and turn it into the most amazing and wonderful thing I've ever attempted.
T-26 hours.
Bring it.
XOXO
As I was scrolling through and deleting in a rush, I came across one that made me pause. It was a picture of you at our pancake place. The one that puts bacon in your Bloody Marys. I had taken a bunch of pictures in a row of you showing me your pancake you'd created... and in one of them you'd put your guard down for a split second and I had captured that look you give me.
That secret, ineffable look that makes me feel like you're little spirit is looking through me and into my little spirit. That look that's so full of innocence and awe and pure love. That look that can make me immediately melt.
I did a double take and instinctively went to pass it but not delete it, fearing it would make me too sad to stare at it any longer. But a split second of reason later and I was back staring down at it, instead absolutely shocked by how much joy and clarity it brought me seeing you with that adorable, slightly goofy smile on your face.
A few days ago I skyped my mom and told her all about everything for the first time and her response was unlike anything I had expected. By the end of our conversation my entire perspective on everything that had been making me feel so small had dramatically been thrown on its head. Suddenly I no longer felt small and forgotten, but rather truly loved and oh-so-important. Suddenly I didn't feel like there was something intrinsically and inexplicably wrong with who I was, but rather extremely lucky and blessed for who I was.
It was an epiphany four and a half years in coming. Literally.
The more I thought about it, the more I it all made sense. And the more it all made sense, the more I saw everyone as innocent. And the more I saw everyone as innocent, the more light I felt.
Looking down at her happy little face in that picture from a day we were together this summer just doing what we do, I could see the authenticity and depth to that happiness and love and all at once I finally understood.
I admit the original impetus behind the epic trip I'm about to embark on was her decision not to visit me like we'd planned on for nearly a year. I was so hurt and so upset that I realized I needed to do something CRAZY. I needed to SOMEHOW make this the best thing that could have happened. I could either spend two weeks miserable, lonely and bitter at home or I could rally all of the sanguinity I had left in me and just do something amazing and absurd. I wanted it to be the grand gesture of "I DON'T NEED YOU - SEE WHAT I CARE IF YOU DITCH ME AND TRY TO REPLACE ME. GO FOR IT!"
Nothing motivates a girl like being hurt by the one person they care about more than anyone else. And as it turns out, this is not necessarily a bad thing. I gave myself until the weekend of my departure to fall apart and piece myself back together. I journaled a ton. I listened to a select few songs on repeat. I spewed my verbal and emotional diarrhea all over my poor but amazingly patient roommate. I talked to my parents. I let myself just feel however I felt like feeling when nobody was around.
To a certain extent, my fear was never that I wouldn't sort everything out and be happy again - my fear was always that I would. I'd always thought that being in love but being miserable was better than just not being in love. Little did I realize there was a third option; it sounds gushy and fluffy, but - loving yourself. I've taken the past four months to begin to figure out how to do just that. And let me just say, it's surprisingly tricky and takes a lot of patience and faith. A lot of music and good friends. A lot of Pinterest time and a lot of things to fill your time. A lot of quality conversations with your family. A lot of reading in your favorite book. A lot of asking your friend who's now somewhere busy being a spirit it he's still around and could help out. A lot of little kids who worship you - or, at least, it's helpful. ;)
After looking at that picture yesterday and feeling nothing but happiness and love looking at it, I realized I'm ready for this trip. It's no longer an adventure being embarked upon out of spite and hurt, but rather an adventure inspired by love and fearless autonomy. Researching all of the places I want to see, talking to all of the Couch Surfing hosts and friends I'm going meet, getting ready for the Glitter Ball - it's like my dream life. I was telling my dad about it last night and I could tell that he was proud of me and my upcoming journey. And it hit me just how crazy the whole thing is:
I've purchased five plane tickets. I have found five people I've never met to host me. I have printed maps upon maps planning my whole trip in four different countries. I have figured out how to take the worst thing to happen to me this semester and turn it into the most amazing and wonderful thing I've ever attempted.
T-26 hours.
Bring it.
XOXO
Day 109: Christmas Pageant!
The day before Christmas Break arrived at last, and to celebrate the school put on a Christmas Festival. It was an hour long skit about how the world had frozen and it made all of the children forget who the Three Wiseman* were and about the holiday spirit. Toys and presents came to life to show the kids about Christmas time. It was a rather dorky storyline, but oh so adorable, because the whole thing was memorized and in English. CUTE!
For the play, each class dressed up and did an English song and dance. And the head of the festival didn't choose the typical holiday songs - oh no... this woman went all out and chose songs from Billboard Top 40 charts. Ah-MAY-zing!! "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha. "Euphoria" by Loreen. "Meet Me Halfway" by the Black Eyed Peas. "The Lazy Song" by Bruno Mars. "Barbie Girl" by Aqua. I mean, they had it ALL. And it was ALL way beyond adorable!!!
The Christmas Festival opened with the drawing. Parents had been purchasing raffle tickets to win - get this - a pig's leg (of cured ham). Yeah. That was the big prize that everybody wanted. And the weird thing is, it's not just these parents - it's ALL OF SPAIN who goes gaga over a poor pig's appendage. It's the weirdest thing ever. I mean the ham that comes from it is okay... but nothing worth writing home about - and certainly not worth displaying a dead pig's entire leg and hoof in your kitchen over. Eww.
To do the drawing the teachers had dressed up like little lotto balls. It was hilarious. And awkward. Haha. The speaker called out numbers and they would twirl around and come to the front of the stage. When five had been called forward, the number was re-announced and the appropriate mom came up to claim to ham. o_O So strange.
After the raffle, it was time for the teacher's dance (still dressed up in their awkward ball outfit). There was only really one song that the teacher's had to dance to, and that was, of course, Gangnam Style. Bahahaha!!! I brought my camera and was clever enough to record it for you AND upload it to Youtube to forever embarrass the teachers I work with. Tee hee hee. So. Awesome. See for yourself:
The next most memorable skit was by Nacho's 1st Grade class. Last week during our private lessons he'd taught me the girl's part of the song and the dance so I could help him practice. :o) Adorable! But how it all came together in the actual show was beyond precious!! Really, you gotta watch it:
By this point in time my battery was starting to run low, so I took pictures of the 3rd Grade Superheros dance...
And of the kids dressed up as iPods (who made these costumes!?!?) - AWESOME!
And the marionettes...
And - the cutest dance, but apparently the one my camera decided it really WAS out of battery for - "Barbie Girl," as interpreted by the 7th graders. That one guy in the front was soooo awesome at dancing (and he's a really shy, quiet guy in class) - he totally reminded me of Delco in CSI: Miami!! The kids did an adorable little swing dance for part of the song in guy/girl couples and it was just so sweet!!! :oD
But my favorite to listen to and watch the kids dance to was definitely Ke$ha's "Tik Tok"!!!!! At the first part where she sings, "Brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack," the kids literally tipped their heads back and pretended to be drinking. OH. MY. GOD!!!! Like, did the director KNOW what that meant and what the song was about!!?!? And worse - did any of the kids or parents? I hoped not, and watched in bemusement as the rocked out to a song which no American kid in elementary school would ever be allowed to sing and dance to at their semi-religious school's Christmas Pageant - BAHAHA!!! For being a country that was once so strictly Catholic, Spanish society sure is lax. Gotta watch:
I was actually sad when the pageant was over and the kids were back on stage for their bows. :( What WAS super adorable, though, was when the kids left through the audience, waving and blowing kisses to their moms and dads, all excited to find them in the crowd and know that they had been their watching them, as soon as the saw me standing at the back of the cafeteria, they all immediately turned away from their parents and exclaimed, "CHELSEA!! Guys - it's CHELSEA!! HELLO CHELSEA!!!" ^_^ *warm, squishy feeling* Awww!!! <3
After the pageant, it was time to go back to the older kids, who'd been busy having chocolate and churros and singing karaoke. I joined them for a bit, then escaped into the Teacher's Lounge for the rest of the afternoon, researching all that I wanted to do on my trips, creating maps, printing them out, confirming my flights, printing my boarding passes, etc.
Around lunch time a teacher finally roused me and invited me back to the high school kid's room for the Christmas potluck. As it turned out, the food was pretty nasty, but one awesome thing did come of attending: As I walked into the room, music was blasting (the 11th graders were apparently in charge of DJing it, and considering I love their taste in music, doing a pretty great job of it). I liked the beat of whatever they'd just turned on and it sounded vaguely familiar. As I kept listening, I started to realize what it was. "Nah..." I murmered to myself. "Couldn't be." By this point I was literally looking at the ceiling and at the walls trying to find the source of the sound to try to figure out what was going on.
And just at that moment my two favorite 11th graders walked up to me, grinning ear to ear. I started to laugh. "You guys are AWESOME! I was totally freaking out, thinking I was imagining it!" They started giggling, "No! We LOVE this song!!! Thanks for telling us about it!!!"
That's right. These two bad-ass boys were playing my jam. "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore. HELL YES!!!!! I have GOT to be THE coolest English-speaker that has ever happened to some of these people. ;)
We talked about our favorite parts of the song and I told them how the video was actually totally real life in Portland where I'd last lived. They were shocked to hear it wasn't just all a joke. After we talked about hipsters and the song some more, the most fluent guy in the school (the Portuguese guy I like so much) asked me, "Yeah! So, what does 'thrift shop' mean, anyway?!"
Bahahahahaha!!! WHAT?!
Here these two had been jamming out to this song for days, watching the video, learning the lyrics and singing along and they DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A THRIFT SHOP WAS!?!!? OMG. Too funny. They are the best. :)
After lunchtime I retreated back to the computer to do more trip research in peace and was only interrupted again around 3:30 to be informed it was time for the teacher vs. student soccer games. I refused to participate (I said I'd forgotten to bring tennis shoes, but really I just didn't want to play), but I did go and watch the teachers kick the student's butts. ^_^
Overall, it was a highly productive day for me (got my trip all researched - yay!!). But more than that, it was a super adorable day, watching the students performing and just hanging out, being themselves for a change. :)
XOXO
Day 108: Homework!
Well this is the first blog where I have nothing exciting to write because all I did all night long was literally HOMEWORK. It was my last assignment due for the next month: Write a month long unit plan for your most difficult private lesson. Welp that wasn't hard to choose. That six year old girl is the only thing I dread in life. The. Only. Thing. And so I got to work. I wrote out a complete plan for EIGHT hour long classes. It took me all night long. But when it was finally finished, I felt like I'd created a masterpiece!
The thing is, it's not that I'm a bad teacher, it's just that I'm not that passionate about it. When I HAD to put the time in to create a unit plan, it turned out amazing. It had cute, creative games I made up, a tangible toolbox of sounds and vocab words/drawings, a structure, a format. I'm totally going to try to use it with her. Maybe then I really won't have one part of my life here that I don't like!?
So, thanks Homework. I know I blasted this teacher and her stupid busywork assignments, but every once in awhile something she says or makes us do really really helps me out! Sure, I wish I felt like that more than twice a month, but hey - it's something. :)
XOXO
The thing is, it's not that I'm a bad teacher, it's just that I'm not that passionate about it. When I HAD to put the time in to create a unit plan, it turned out amazing. It had cute, creative games I made up, a tangible toolbox of sounds and vocab words/drawings, a structure, a format. I'm totally going to try to use it with her. Maybe then I really won't have one part of my life here that I don't like!?
So, thanks Homework. I know I blasted this teacher and her stupid busywork assignments, but every once in awhile something she says or makes us do really really helps me out! Sure, I wish I felt like that more than twice a month, but hey - it's something. :)
XOXO
Day 107: Glitter Ball Dress Hunt
A month or two ago I came across a gorgeous dress on Pinterest that I pinned, thinking what a great New Year's Eve dress it would be. I've never been one to get very excited for New Year's Eve, or really to even dress up for it (last year I bought a $19.99 dress at the mall hours before the party I went to). "But," I thought, "on the off change you actually do something exciting this year, this would definitely be the dress to do it in!"
For some reason, the gold, sequenced dress with the black tights just screamed "Serena" from Gossip Girl to me. It said chic and stylish, simple but over the top, sexy and glam, cute and playful. After a bit of research, I found that Serena did in fact wear a dress that was very similar in one Gossip Girl episode (why my memory cataloged it, I have no idea):
And so last Friday, after getting our Spanish ID cards, Abby and I went on a shopping adventure (or, rather, window shopping adventure for me - she, for a change, went a little crazy!). My "item to look out for" the whole day was a little gold dress for the Glitter Ball I'd just registered for. "Finally," I squealed, "a New Year's Eve event worthy of an amazing dress!" Abby and I kept our eye out all day and it wasn't until the last store that we found what I'd been looking for. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect:
I tried it on an even an exhausted Abby lit up. "I love it!" she exclaimed. :) It was the perfect combo of the 3/4 sleeve of the first dress and of a slight strap of the second dress! The asymmetry of it was just edgy enough for a swing even in London. The one I tried on was a size too small (and the only size they had in stock), but I decided that on my next day off I'd go into town to the bigger Bershka and find the right size and wear it at the Glitter Ball. I was beyond excited and even started to feel a little Princessy about it. ;)
And so this afternoon, after only having had to teach 1.5 hours of class all morning, I was ready to walk to town to catch a train into Madrid to go buy my dress. As I was leaving the school grounds, the custodian saw me and said he would give me a ride to the train station - and to ask any time, because he would be happy to take me, as it was a long and "dangerous" walk back to town. This was the custodian who I'd got as my Secret Santa. I had been wondering how much he liked his present when I realized other people were giving bottles of cologne and expensive wallets and multiple scarves. I had merely given him a toolbox filled with ornaments, homemade fudge and a CD I burned him of alternative rock/pop - we share taste in music from what I could tell of what he usually plays - and while at the time I felt like a BAMF about my thoughtful present, I wasn't sure after seeing how much money some had clearly spent on the whole gift exchange. So imagine my surprise that on the ride to the station he immediately THANKED me SO MUCH for the present and gushed about how great the fudge was and how much he LOVED the CD and how he couldn't wait to get on his Harley this weekend to listen to it on the open road!! I'd never seen the man smile or heard him speak more than a sentence - but he was really, honestly into the whole thing. I was soooo happy he liked it! The other teachers had felt bad for me when I'd drawn his name, but turns out, I did a great job. :oD
Anyway, a mere car ride later, I was at the train station. I waited for the train, but realized there was a mall across the street and figured I'd try that mall out to see if they had my dress in the right size first. I'd tried the mall in Alcala the day before and they hadn't had ANY New Year's Eve dresses at all, so I was hopeful this one had a bit more variety. I walked the whole mall - twice - until I realized the store was no longer there and the mall map was outdated. Back to the train station.
An hour later I was finally in Madrid and went to the Bershka near Sol. One of my dresses remained, but still in the wrong size. I took a mini lunch break for pizza and continued to the Bershka on Sol and the Bershka on Gran Via. Same thing. They had a few of the dresses, but all of them were the size smaller than I needed. These had been the Berhska's I'd been to last Friday, so I decided to spread out my search. I looked up Bershkas closeby on my phone.
I went up Fuencarral - stopping in my new, favorite, colorful store for a moment - and continued past Taco Bell until I realized that that store, which had been the source of many a good colored shorts purchase when I was here the other summer, was no longer there, either. Ugh!! At first I thought maybe I had just turned down the wrong street, but by this point in time I was near L's office and all those 7:30 nights and lunch time rendezvous had made me quite familiar with the area, and so I realized that there was no hope and turned to my phone for the next "closest" location.
Which happened to be a 45 minute walk in the opposite direction.
Not one to take a metro when I could explore above ground, I began my trek. I went through Malasana and FINALLY found the one street and cafe I've been looking for since I returned. :) I went into a few vintage shops, took pictures of some street art and stumble upon a cute knitting store and a few adorable cocktail lounges!! The things I find when I take random backstreets - truly amazing!!! ^_^ I definitely want to head back to this one lounge (if I can find it again), because it was so vintage/chic... mmm. :)
A random popup market of gorgeous scarves and a long walk later, I was finally at Principe Pio Mall. I'd been here once before with L - but I cannot for the life of me remember WHY. All I remember is that it was sort of random and she was there for a specific purpose and then wanted to leave right away while I wanted to explore and look at shoes. Haha. Anyway, it's definitely the nicest mall I've seen in Madrid and actually almost feels American. It has tons of shops and is in an old train station (I think?) so it has charm to it. I even found a store that was basically like Kohls meets VS and then puts everything on 50% mega sale (somebody might return for that sometime... cheap bathrobes, slippers, mittens, sweatpants, bandeaus, oh my!).
I walked around the mall, taking it all in, when I finally found the Bershka. I inhaled deeply and then held my breath. This was the last Bershka I'd have time to go to tonight. I only knew of three others and they were NOT anywhere close by. Immediately I saw my dress hanging right near the entrance. I slowly walked over to it, as if it were my prey and I couldn't startle it. My eyes were on the tags. What size? What size! What size?! When my eyes saw "Large" written on one, I realized I had a real shot - none of the other stores had had any size but "Small" (and, well, one Extra Small)!! Slowly, carefully, I placed my fingers on the next tag and turned it over. I felt like I was suddenly in Charlie and the Chocolate factory, with him opening up that last chocolate bar, looking for the golden ticket. I looked down, half wincing...
MEDIUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd done it! It was there! It was the only Medium in that store and possibly in all of Madrid!!! Seven stores (two of which no longer even existed) and hours upon hours of walking later and I'd FOUND MY GLITTER BALL DRESS!!!!!!! I ran to try it on and sure enough it was perfect. While standing in line waiting to purchase the beloved and elusive garment, the one Mayor Hawthorne song I actually like came on! It was a really cool remix of the song and I got so into it that the girl behind the counter had to rouse me from my mini song and dance to get to me to check out.
After I paid I continued singing to myself, smiling. "Good omen," I giggled to myself. ^_^
I got on the train back home, as my roomies were waiting for me (we had decided to have a "Breakfast for Dinner" meal as our last meal together before we all went our separate ways for the holidays), but quickly realized I'd taken it the wrong way. Abby had done the same exact things just days before and had fallen asleep, so she didn't realize until she got to Alcala she'd been on a train for almost two hours - a train that should have taken 45 minutes! Luckily it wasn't quite that bad, as I'd gotten on at a different stop, but needless to say, 25 pages in my book in Spanish later and my French toast was cold and my mimosa had clearly been sipped on!
But no matter - I'd found my dress, and nothing could keep me from feeling victorious! ;)
XOXO
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Day 106: Lazy, Blissful
I went to school. I "taught" one 4th grade class ("taught" = had them read "Frosty the Snowman," cut out the lyrics, make a paper snowman, and glue it all together into a book... HA). Walked home. Had lunch. Took a nap. Woke up. Danced. Pinterested. Wrote CouchSurfers. Took a nice, long, hot shower then drenched myself in Bath and Body Works lotion. Bliss.
So while I took a day to myself to pretty much do nothing (but in a happy, freedom sort of way), I decided to begin a mental list of resolutions. I'm not quite sure why I'm so into it - I sure haven't thought about resolutions in years and years - but I am!
1) Use my Pinterest time (*ahem* like 1/2 of my day) to:
* study languages
* read
* dance/stretch/workout
2) Attempt to be more physically presentable on a daily basis by:
* figuring out outfits the night before and not with two minutes to go before I miss the bus
* waking up more than 5 minutes before I have to run to the bus - i.e. go to sleep earlier
* learning new ways to style my baby fine hair
3) Generally be awsome
* still working on the steps to this one - haha*
XOXO
So while I took a day to myself to pretty much do nothing (but in a happy, freedom sort of way), I decided to begin a mental list of resolutions. I'm not quite sure why I'm so into it - I sure haven't thought about resolutions in years and years - but I am!
1) Use my Pinterest time (*ahem* like 1/2 of my day) to:
* study languages
* read
* dance/stretch/workout
2) Attempt to be more physically presentable on a daily basis by:
* figuring out outfits the night before and not with two minutes to go before I miss the bus
* waking up more than 5 minutes before I have to run to the bus - i.e. go to sleep earlier
* learning new ways to style my baby fine hair
3) Generally be awsome
* still working on the steps to this one - haha*
XOXO
Day 105: Little Blossom
Once upon a time the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. With each petal that gently and elegantly opened, the care and love that had nourished that little flower for so long became abundantly - no, brilliantly - apparent. Each kiss left a small freckle on a petal; each cuddle, a small dash of color; each adventure, a small road map of veins; each giggle, a sweet scent. And so the little flower bloomed, resplendent as could be.
When the little flower first opened her new eyes, she looked around expectantly, but didn't recognize a thing. At first she thought perhaps everyone was just asleep, but after waiting and waiting, it became apparent that they wouldn't be arriving for a bit of a while. And so she stood alone, gazing at her markings when she was able to catch a glimpse of herself in a dew drop when the sun hit it just right. She would stare and reminisce, stare and reminisce, waiting, until she began to realize she wasn't in her bud anymore - she was a flower now, and it was time to do flower-things.
She tried to be brave, she did. She tried to be strong - really. But every time she'd catch a glimpse of one of her freckles or small dashes of color... every time she saw one of her little veins or a passing butterfly complimented her on her sweet scent, all she could feel was pain and longing. Everything she was reminded her of her cozy, safe life as a bud. Sometimes she wished for a snail to come along and paint over her unique markings. Sometimes she wished she could just crumple up and go back to the life of simplicity and security.
Days passed, weeks passed, months passed... but every morning she would wake up with the same feeling of emptiness, despite her best efforts to fill her days with splendid flower-things. Every morning, that is, until a tiny, humble sort of bird with sparkling mint and peach feathers flew right above her and dropped a tiny note in one of her yawning, outstretched petals. Little did she know it contained all of the secrets the Universe held, and she was about to become privy to more wisdom than fields and fields of flowers had ever hoped to possess:
"My darling -
There will come a time (now?) when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning
Growth demands a temporary lack of security. Fear is temporary; regret is forever. We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong; the amount of work is about the same. There is no passion in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.
When you feel like quitting, think about why you started. It will be worth it. People either inspire you or drain you - choose wisely. Sometimes people become too busy holding onto their unworthiness... Receiving love should not have to be a constant struggle; treat yourself as a queen and you shall attract a king. Wait for the one who would do anything to be your everything. It's all about falling in love with yourself, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit. And don't be afraid to walk alone (and don't be afraid to like it). When you can be alone, you can be with others without using them as a means of escape. You have to be brave with your life so others can be brave with theirs. Choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is going to determine the way you live. Live your life in your own little fairytale.
Be daring, be different, be impractical - be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the common place, the slaves of the ordinary. Do not be satisfied with the stories that come before you; unfold your own myth. What sets you apart may seem like a burden, but it's not - and most of the time it's what makes you great. Most will envy the courage you have to be yourself. Don't try to change yourself so people will like you; be the real you and the right people will LOVE you. Be audacious. Your soul is rooting for you! When you stand before the Universe on your last day, be able to say, "I have nothing left; I used every thing you gave me." <3
Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. The only person you're destined to become is the person you decide to be. The best way to predict the future is to create it. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair. Make it happen; shock every single one of them. You are entirely up to you. Life is as grand as you make it. Look closely at the present you are constructing - it should look like the future you are dreaming of. Once you become consciously aware of just how powerful your thoughts are, you will realize everything in your life is exactly the way YOU allow it to be.
Ever since happiness heard your name it has been running through the streets looking for you. <3 Your life is your canvass - make sure to paint yourself a lot of colorful days. All that we are is a result of what we have thought (and how we have been loved and been happy).
All this being said, would you like your adventure now, or should we have a cup of tea first?"
The little flower shed her first tear of joy since she'd become a flower - and suddenly, when she saw her reflection in that little droplet, she no longer saw all that reminded her of homesickness and loss, but rather saw the beauty and love that had gone into crafting such a unique flower as herself, and she vowed that very moment that she would honor that love and happiness and shine so bright that you could see her from the moon. She would make everyone proud. She would be the best flower that she could be with all the gratitude she had burried deep in her soul. She would carry the heart and take it to places it had never dreamed and she would do it with all of the spirit she had been so blessed with. <3
She realized everything that had led up to who she was wasn't lost in the past, it was right there with her - a part of her. And suddenly, when she looked around, she no longer felt the slightest bit lost or alone. Because she wasn't - she never had been.
"In case you haven't noticed," the bird whispered, as he cocked his head, "you are here to awaken from the illusion of separateness."
And that was the secret that was keeping the stars apart. <3
XOXO
Monday, December 17, 2012
Day 104: New Year's Eve
New Year's Eve is in exactly two weeks. What have I done the past
five NYEs, since I've been out of high school? Well... let's see:
2011-2012: PORTLAND, OR
Went to a tiny lezzie club, Crush, in Portland with J. She mostly hung out with Shayla and kept going out to smoke while I stayed at the table, relatively bored, and made friends with a nice vegan lezzie who made me giggle. I tried to drink, but it was one of those nights where it just didn't work out. I tried drinking an AMF to rid myself of this issue, but the very smell of it made me sick, and so that was that.
2010-2011: BELO HORIZONTE, BRAZIL
Was at a vacation house in the countryside of Brazil with B, eating Brazilian BBQ, hanging out, swimming and having a relatively good time. At midnight they dunked everyone in the pool, I ran and hid so nobody would throw me in the freezing pool. Haha.
2009-2010: MADISON, WI
Went out to the bar with Laura (despite being underage, the guy let me in out of pity). Ended up kissing her, even though her gf was nearby. A few hours later had the most awkward, awful and depressing three hours ever with J, driving us to the Chicago airport to go to Colorado.
2008-2009: DENVER, CO
Couldn't think of anything to do, so while on our last night in Colorado, J and I went to Taco Bell, went and bought some blankets and went and hung out in the back of the rape van. It was silly, ridiculous, uneventful and pretty adorable.
2007-2008: MILWAUKEE, WI
Was at a West Coast Swing event, which happened to coincide with NYE. Right around midnight, met a guy (who would later become my boyfriend for eight seven months!) and had a great time dancing, talking, giggling and drinking champagne!
O_O Well that was an interesting review!! I wasn't quite sure where I'd be this year, nor what I'd be doing, until I made concrete plans today - and ohmygod are they pretty crazy spectacular!!!
I met a friend on Couch Surfers who happens to be into the same kind of dance I am. She accepted my request to stay with her and quickly invited me to stay for NYE, too, saying we could totally find a dance to go to together. I took her up on her offer, figuring it might be cool to spend it with someone I sorta knew, rather than totally alone in a totally new country (I was gonna go to Amsterdam on the 31st of Dec. originally). So today she emails me and tells me to buy tickets, 'cause she found us a swing dance party and we're totally going. Um, amazing. I clicked on the link in her email and my jaw dropped when I began reading the invite:
"New Year's Eve Party
GLITTER BALL
Take a magnificent venue with a superb dance floor, add a party crowd, throw in the finest DJs, mix with Bubbly and you have the perfect ingredients for a fabulous New Year's Eve Party. We will be spoiling you with Savoury Nibbles & Bubbly on arrival as you socialize with friends and reflect upon resolutions for the year to come. On the stroke of midnight we will be bringing in the New Year in style, followed by your first dance of the year with celebrations until 2 am. So dress up and welcome in the new year at the fabulous Glitter Ball."
Um, did I just register for some sort of FAIRY TALE or something, 'cause that's sure what it sounds like. I feel like buying a pair of glass slippers, or something!!! ^_^
BEYOND excited.
I never dreamed how cool this whole Couch Surfing thing could be, until now. I've only met one super cool girl so far, but that ain't too shabby for having been signed up with it for one month. Imagine all the awesome people around the world I can meet through it - all of whom share my passion for travel and adventure!! ^_^
As I bought my tickets and talked to Lili and started to plan out what I'll wear (I'm currently deciding between two dresses... but with a name like "Glitter Ball," I think I may have to go for the all gold, one sleeved number!), though, I started to think about the fact that 2013 was right around the corner and all the implications thereof. I asked myself what kinds of resolutions I'd make for 2013 and what I'd want to change. This made me start reflecting on 2012 (perhaps a little early).
In 2012 I have successfully lived the two (incredibly) separate lives I've always dreamed of having: One, in a fun and alternative city in an amazing apartment with a job that paid incredibly well and the love of my life. The other, in a culturally-rich and spectacular European city in a great, brand-new apartment with a job that made me feel fulfilled and surrounded by new and amazingly supportive and wonderful friends.
On first glance, I realized I really hadn't done too shabby this year! I've lived in incredible places and surrounded myself with interesting people and had jobs that I never would have dreamed of and had incredible freedom. Yet at the same time, I feel like between the two VERY distinct lives I've had this year, there has always been a part of my longing for the other one.
When I was in Portland, all I could think about some days was getting back to Madrid, walking the streets, seeing everyone from last summer, eating gazpacho, speaking Spanish, etc. But now that I'm in Madrid, every day there is a part of me that yearns for the yummy restaurants of PDX, the mini roadtrips to the coast in Moxie, the lazy days with delivery pizza or the adventurous days biking or hiking in which J and I could just be content and just BE, together.
It's true, when I was in PDX, I would never remember the days I was in Madrid when I'd felt so homesick. And now that I'm here, I don't vividly remember the nights I would spend alone in the apartment feeling lonely and forgotten, or the days at work when I would close my eyes and chant to myself, "one day you'll be back... one day you'll be back..."
I seem to have a bit of that "the grass is always greener" syndrome... and it can weigh on a girl surprisingly heavily. There always feels like there's something that's missing, and no matter how hard I try to reason with my heart, the hole is still there - whether I am in Portland or in Madrid.
When I was in PDX, the longing to return was not as acute, but the knowledge that I would someday put me both at peace and made me very anxious. Here, the longing for what was is very acute, but even the idea of going back makes me nauseous and I know that's not what I want - no matter how much I miss it or think about it every single day, all day long.
And so I guess what my resolution for 2013 will be is something like this: To find a way to be happy and at peace in the present moment, no matter where I am. To not dwell on the past and miss it terribly. To not dwell on the future and fear the unknown and worry about all the things that could happen to make me unhappy. But to be thankful and at peace with the past without it always replaying itself in my mind, but also without trying to block it out... while having unyeilding faith and sanguinity when it comes the future - all culminating in the ability to be absolutely happy with where I am, who I am, who I am with, and all that is in the present.
For the past five years I've honestly lived in this manner of thinking like Piglet:
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, while we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't?" said Pooh.
After careful thought, Piglet was comforted by this.
As 2013 begins, I would like to make a conscious effort to change my way of thinking to thinking more like Pooh. Instead of constantly dwelling on all the negative "What ifs...?", I would like to try thinking about all the "What's the best that could happens...?" This would be a radical shift for me. It truly would be. I've never been the type of girl who automatically goes to the positive - despite how giggly and cupcake loving and successful I might be... I'm never that default positive thinker.
My top common thoughts are: What if she's forgetting about me? What if she's much happier without me? What if I've made a huge mistake? What if I'm never truly happy with another person again? What if this is as successful and happy as I'll ever be? What if the future brings lonliness and misery? What if I'm not successful? What if I never find other people who love and understand me? What if I never find other people like me? What if I wake up in my 30's and haven't become anybody? What if I'm not as far along as I'm supposed to be?
Seriously.
Every. Single. Day.
O_O
The eff?
And what's worse, is, this isn't just a new thing. This has been how I've thought for YEARS. It's been totally and utterly disproven time and time again. And yet, it persists. No matter where I am, who I'm with, who I'm without... I can think of three month long periods in which the incessant craziness subsided... but 90 days out of thousands is not such a good percentage.
And so my overall goal/resolution/intention for 2013 is to change my thinking. No - not just change - to overhaul it.
I want my thinking to be so polished and positive and grateful that I can be stuck on a desert island all by myself or in the country of my dreams or with my dream person or anywhere and feel at peace and full of happiness and hope.
I've proven to myself that I can go after what I want and get it. I've proven that very well and worked very hard to be able to say that. Now, I need to find a way to rewire my brain so that when I have what I've always wanted and achieved, I can finally be happy and grateful for it. I've said this for years, but nobody prepares a person for how difficult it is to remain at peace when you've gotten what you want. Call it "First World Problems," or whatever you'd like, but there' something to be said for the happiness intrinsic in the hard-work part. But keeping that level up after you have reached your goal - or, worse, after you have set a higher goal and now have to move on from what you'd worked so hard to accomplish and gained before - is incredibly and surprisingly difficult.
XOXO
2011-2012: PORTLAND, OR
Went to a tiny lezzie club, Crush, in Portland with J. She mostly hung out with Shayla and kept going out to smoke while I stayed at the table, relatively bored, and made friends with a nice vegan lezzie who made me giggle. I tried to drink, but it was one of those nights where it just didn't work out. I tried drinking an AMF to rid myself of this issue, but the very smell of it made me sick, and so that was that.
2010-2011: BELO HORIZONTE, BRAZIL
Was at a vacation house in the countryside of Brazil with B, eating Brazilian BBQ, hanging out, swimming and having a relatively good time. At midnight they dunked everyone in the pool, I ran and hid so nobody would throw me in the freezing pool. Haha.
2009-2010: MADISON, WI
Went out to the bar with Laura (despite being underage, the guy let me in out of pity). Ended up kissing her, even though her gf was nearby. A few hours later had the most awkward, awful and depressing three hours ever with J, driving us to the Chicago airport to go to Colorado.
2008-2009: DENVER, CO
Couldn't think of anything to do, so while on our last night in Colorado, J and I went to Taco Bell, went and bought some blankets and went and hung out in the back of the rape van. It was silly, ridiculous, uneventful and pretty adorable.
2007-2008: MILWAUKEE, WI
Was at a West Coast Swing event, which happened to coincide with NYE. Right around midnight, met a guy (who would later become my boyfriend for eight seven months!) and had a great time dancing, talking, giggling and drinking champagne!
O_O Well that was an interesting review!! I wasn't quite sure where I'd be this year, nor what I'd be doing, until I made concrete plans today - and ohmygod are they pretty crazy spectacular!!!
I met a friend on Couch Surfers who happens to be into the same kind of dance I am. She accepted my request to stay with her and quickly invited me to stay for NYE, too, saying we could totally find a dance to go to together. I took her up on her offer, figuring it might be cool to spend it with someone I sorta knew, rather than totally alone in a totally new country (I was gonna go to Amsterdam on the 31st of Dec. originally). So today she emails me and tells me to buy tickets, 'cause she found us a swing dance party and we're totally going. Um, amazing. I clicked on the link in her email and my jaw dropped when I began reading the invite:
"New Year's Eve Party
GLITTER BALL
Take a magnificent venue with a superb dance floor, add a party crowd, throw in the finest DJs, mix with Bubbly and you have the perfect ingredients for a fabulous New Year's Eve Party. We will be spoiling you with Savoury Nibbles & Bubbly on arrival as you socialize with friends and reflect upon resolutions for the year to come. On the stroke of midnight we will be bringing in the New Year in style, followed by your first dance of the year with celebrations until 2 am. So dress up and welcome in the new year at the fabulous Glitter Ball."
Um, did I just register for some sort of FAIRY TALE or something, 'cause that's sure what it sounds like. I feel like buying a pair of glass slippers, or something!!! ^_^
BEYOND excited.
I never dreamed how cool this whole Couch Surfing thing could be, until now. I've only met one super cool girl so far, but that ain't too shabby for having been signed up with it for one month. Imagine all the awesome people around the world I can meet through it - all of whom share my passion for travel and adventure!! ^_^
As I bought my tickets and talked to Lili and started to plan out what I'll wear (I'm currently deciding between two dresses... but with a name like "Glitter Ball," I think I may have to go for the all gold, one sleeved number!), though, I started to think about the fact that 2013 was right around the corner and all the implications thereof. I asked myself what kinds of resolutions I'd make for 2013 and what I'd want to change. This made me start reflecting on 2012 (perhaps a little early).
In 2012 I have successfully lived the two (incredibly) separate lives I've always dreamed of having: One, in a fun and alternative city in an amazing apartment with a job that paid incredibly well and the love of my life. The other, in a culturally-rich and spectacular European city in a great, brand-new apartment with a job that made me feel fulfilled and surrounded by new and amazingly supportive and wonderful friends.
On first glance, I realized I really hadn't done too shabby this year! I've lived in incredible places and surrounded myself with interesting people and had jobs that I never would have dreamed of and had incredible freedom. Yet at the same time, I feel like between the two VERY distinct lives I've had this year, there has always been a part of my longing for the other one.
When I was in Portland, all I could think about some days was getting back to Madrid, walking the streets, seeing everyone from last summer, eating gazpacho, speaking Spanish, etc. But now that I'm in Madrid, every day there is a part of me that yearns for the yummy restaurants of PDX, the mini roadtrips to the coast in Moxie, the lazy days with delivery pizza or the adventurous days biking or hiking in which J and I could just be content and just BE, together.
It's true, when I was in PDX, I would never remember the days I was in Madrid when I'd felt so homesick. And now that I'm here, I don't vividly remember the nights I would spend alone in the apartment feeling lonely and forgotten, or the days at work when I would close my eyes and chant to myself, "one day you'll be back... one day you'll be back..."
I seem to have a bit of that "the grass is always greener" syndrome... and it can weigh on a girl surprisingly heavily. There always feels like there's something that's missing, and no matter how hard I try to reason with my heart, the hole is still there - whether I am in Portland or in Madrid.
When I was in PDX, the longing to return was not as acute, but the knowledge that I would someday put me both at peace and made me very anxious. Here, the longing for what was is very acute, but even the idea of going back makes me nauseous and I know that's not what I want - no matter how much I miss it or think about it every single day, all day long.
And so I guess what my resolution for 2013 will be is something like this: To find a way to be happy and at peace in the present moment, no matter where I am. To not dwell on the past and miss it terribly. To not dwell on the future and fear the unknown and worry about all the things that could happen to make me unhappy. But to be thankful and at peace with the past without it always replaying itself in my mind, but also without trying to block it out... while having unyeilding faith and sanguinity when it comes the future - all culminating in the ability to be absolutely happy with where I am, who I am, who I am with, and all that is in the present.
For the past five years I've honestly lived in this manner of thinking like Piglet:
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, while we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't?" said Pooh.
After careful thought, Piglet was comforted by this.
As 2013 begins, I would like to make a conscious effort to change my way of thinking to thinking more like Pooh. Instead of constantly dwelling on all the negative "What ifs...?", I would like to try thinking about all the "What's the best that could happens...?" This would be a radical shift for me. It truly would be. I've never been the type of girl who automatically goes to the positive - despite how giggly and cupcake loving and successful I might be... I'm never that default positive thinker.
My top common thoughts are: What if she's forgetting about me? What if she's much happier without me? What if I've made a huge mistake? What if I'm never truly happy with another person again? What if this is as successful and happy as I'll ever be? What if the future brings lonliness and misery? What if I'm not successful? What if I never find other people who love and understand me? What if I never find other people like me? What if I wake up in my 30's and haven't become anybody? What if I'm not as far along as I'm supposed to be?
Seriously.
Every. Single. Day.
O_O
The eff?
And what's worse, is, this isn't just a new thing. This has been how I've thought for YEARS. It's been totally and utterly disproven time and time again. And yet, it persists. No matter where I am, who I'm with, who I'm without... I can think of three month long periods in which the incessant craziness subsided... but 90 days out of thousands is not such a good percentage.
And so my overall goal/resolution/intention for 2013 is to change my thinking. No - not just change - to overhaul it.
I want my thinking to be so polished and positive and grateful that I can be stuck on a desert island all by myself or in the country of my dreams or with my dream person or anywhere and feel at peace and full of happiness and hope.
I've proven to myself that I can go after what I want and get it. I've proven that very well and worked very hard to be able to say that. Now, I need to find a way to rewire my brain so that when I have what I've always wanted and achieved, I can finally be happy and grateful for it. I've said this for years, but nobody prepares a person for how difficult it is to remain at peace when you've gotten what you want. Call it "First World Problems," or whatever you'd like, but there' something to be said for the happiness intrinsic in the hard-work part. But keeping that level up after you have reached your goal - or, worse, after you have set a higher goal and now have to move on from what you'd worked so hard to accomplish and gained before - is incredibly and surprisingly difficult.
XOXO
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Day 102: Best Ever!! ^_^
Today was - by far - the best day I've had since arriving in Spain!!! ^_^
My alarm woke me up around 8:20 and I threw jeans, a coat and a scarf on, grabbed my Secret Santa present, and shuffled out the door. I almost made it to the bus stop when a heard a little girl calling my name behind me. Sure enough, it was one of my biggest fans - a girl from one of my 3rd grade classes. :) I asked her if she could help me and take the present to the teacher on the bus. She repeated my request and said she could do that for me for sure! The whole time her dad stood there, BEAMING at his little girl speaking perfectly fluent English with the American English teacher. ;) Cute.
I was delighted to go straight back home and back to bed for an extra two hours before it was time to get up and shower in preparation for our trip into Madrid. See, we all took the day off to go pick up our Temporary Spanish Citizenship cards in town. :) Abby patiently waited around for me while I got ready and we were in the train before noon (which, may I say, is an extraordinary feat for the two of us). On our walk we both commented how we weren't really in very good moods and felt exhausted and utterly unexcited about our three day weekend ahead of us. We promised each other we'd help one another work on our dispositions as the day went on.
And what a great job we did!
On the train into Madrid we told each other stories about our cars (something we both miss - and something we both have in common, because we're both stick shift driving girls!). As silly as it may be, being able to talk about Moxie to someone who understood the amazingness of driving a standard and how much it sucks to go a long time without doing so really gave me my first happy boost of the day. :)
By the time we arrived at the bank in Madrid to pay for our IDs, we were both feeling a bit more cheery. I went to grab my wallet out of my purse and my new rubber bouncy ball with a map of the world on it (I bought it for educational purposes when I remembered how awful I was at geography!) bounced right out of my purse and across the bank floor! Abby looked over at me, utterly unsurprised that something like that would spring out of my bag and I just mumbled, "Don't worry - I got this. Just gotta chase my bouncy ball over here... ooop, got it!" I looked up with her, a triumphant smile on my face and she said, "Only you would have a bouncy ball bounce out of your purse... and it not seem like anything out of the ordinary." We both started giggling instantly. :) I just love how well she knows me and how much she completely accepts me for all the strange things that make me so unique and "me." ^_^ I feel like it's been a little while since I had somebody so close to me so truly accepting of who I am.
We continued on and picked up our super official Spanish IDs (so exciting!!!) and, after graciously declining an invitation for lunch from a girl in her class (thanks for being on the same page as me there, Abbies) , we journeyed over to Gran Via. We made a beeline for the yummy pizza place and after a slice and a can of Fanta, were off on our shopping adventure! We stopped at Starbucks for a super festive Apple Crumble Latte (and Abby taught me how to add nutmeg and cinnamon to make any Starbucks drink taste even a million times more delicious - why hadn't I ever thought of that?!), and started at our favorite leather store. :)
Together we made it up Gran Via, down Fuencarral and back, stopping at every single store that caught our attention and on a mission for a festive gold dress for me and a bunch of other things for her. We shopped, talked, giggled and little by little realized our plan was working - not an ounce of depression from the past few days remained by midafternoon!! ^_^
A notification from Marianna that my Christmas package had arrived and an email from my Grandma later and I was even more blissed out than I imagined possible!!
We took a break half-way through our shopping adventure to go to 100 Montaditos and have a 1 euro jarra of beer and some mini sandwiches. Man those beers are big and wonderful. You only have to have one to feel 'em... and you could tell as we talked more and faster and about weirder things that they were kicking in. :) Awesome!! The beer gave us a second wind and we were back to shopping. Abby took some pictures of the Christmas lights and we went all around Sol to Plaza Mayor to see the Christmas Market. We circled back around to Sol and after looking in two other Bershkas for a sweater I'd seen early on in the shopping day, I decided I wanted to try to book it back to the first store to see if they still had it (there was only one left). I (amazingly) hadn't purchased one thing all day (besides food) and decided this was the one thing I really wanted. Abby went to get a burrito while I RAN up Calle Montero and I made it just in time.
Best. Purchase. Ever. The sweater I bought is a large, knit, cozy, baggy sweater of happiness. Winter wardrobe complete! ^_^
On our way home, I looked at Facebook for the first time and started reading all about the Connecticut tragedy. :( We read all about it on the ride home.
When we finally arrived my Christmas box was waiting in the living room and I ran to get a scissors to open it. Inside were a bunch of individually wrapped presents, plus all of the American goodies I asked my mom for!!! ^_^ YAY!! Having a mini Christmas with our tiny pink/purple tree and Abby taking pics of me opening everything was adorable! <3
Afterwards I skyped my mom well into the night and went to sleep happy as could be! ^_^
XOXO
My alarm woke me up around 8:20 and I threw jeans, a coat and a scarf on, grabbed my Secret Santa present, and shuffled out the door. I almost made it to the bus stop when a heard a little girl calling my name behind me. Sure enough, it was one of my biggest fans - a girl from one of my 3rd grade classes. :) I asked her if she could help me and take the present to the teacher on the bus. She repeated my request and said she could do that for me for sure! The whole time her dad stood there, BEAMING at his little girl speaking perfectly fluent English with the American English teacher. ;) Cute.
I was delighted to go straight back home and back to bed for an extra two hours before it was time to get up and shower in preparation for our trip into Madrid. See, we all took the day off to go pick up our Temporary Spanish Citizenship cards in town. :) Abby patiently waited around for me while I got ready and we were in the train before noon (which, may I say, is an extraordinary feat for the two of us). On our walk we both commented how we weren't really in very good moods and felt exhausted and utterly unexcited about our three day weekend ahead of us. We promised each other we'd help one another work on our dispositions as the day went on.
And what a great job we did!
On the train into Madrid we told each other stories about our cars (something we both miss - and something we both have in common, because we're both stick shift driving girls!). As silly as it may be, being able to talk about Moxie to someone who understood the amazingness of driving a standard and how much it sucks to go a long time without doing so really gave me my first happy boost of the day. :)
By the time we arrived at the bank in Madrid to pay for our IDs, we were both feeling a bit more cheery. I went to grab my wallet out of my purse and my new rubber bouncy ball with a map of the world on it (I bought it for educational purposes when I remembered how awful I was at geography!) bounced right out of my purse and across the bank floor! Abby looked over at me, utterly unsurprised that something like that would spring out of my bag and I just mumbled, "Don't worry - I got this. Just gotta chase my bouncy ball over here... ooop, got it!" I looked up with her, a triumphant smile on my face and she said, "Only you would have a bouncy ball bounce out of your purse... and it not seem like anything out of the ordinary." We both started giggling instantly. :) I just love how well she knows me and how much she completely accepts me for all the strange things that make me so unique and "me." ^_^ I feel like it's been a little while since I had somebody so close to me so truly accepting of who I am.
We continued on and picked up our super official Spanish IDs (so exciting!!!) and, after graciously declining an invitation for lunch from a girl in her class (thanks for being on the same page as me there, Abbies) , we journeyed over to Gran Via. We made a beeline for the yummy pizza place and after a slice and a can of Fanta, were off on our shopping adventure! We stopped at Starbucks for a super festive Apple Crumble Latte (and Abby taught me how to add nutmeg and cinnamon to make any Starbucks drink taste even a million times more delicious - why hadn't I ever thought of that?!), and started at our favorite leather store. :)
Together we made it up Gran Via, down Fuencarral and back, stopping at every single store that caught our attention and on a mission for a festive gold dress for me and a bunch of other things for her. We shopped, talked, giggled and little by little realized our plan was working - not an ounce of depression from the past few days remained by midafternoon!! ^_^
A notification from Marianna that my Christmas package had arrived and an email from my Grandma later and I was even more blissed out than I imagined possible!!
We took a break half-way through our shopping adventure to go to 100 Montaditos and have a 1 euro jarra of beer and some mini sandwiches. Man those beers are big and wonderful. You only have to have one to feel 'em... and you could tell as we talked more and faster and about weirder things that they were kicking in. :) Awesome!! The beer gave us a second wind and we were back to shopping. Abby took some pictures of the Christmas lights and we went all around Sol to Plaza Mayor to see the Christmas Market. We circled back around to Sol and after looking in two other Bershkas for a sweater I'd seen early on in the shopping day, I decided I wanted to try to book it back to the first store to see if they still had it (there was only one left). I (amazingly) hadn't purchased one thing all day (besides food) and decided this was the one thing I really wanted. Abby went to get a burrito while I RAN up Calle Montero and I made it just in time.
Best. Purchase. Ever. The sweater I bought is a large, knit, cozy, baggy sweater of happiness. Winter wardrobe complete! ^_^
On our way home, I looked at Facebook for the first time and started reading all about the Connecticut tragedy. :( We read all about it on the ride home.
When we finally arrived my Christmas box was waiting in the living room and I ran to get a scissors to open it. Inside were a bunch of individually wrapped presents, plus all of the American goodies I asked my mom for!!! ^_^ YAY!! Having a mini Christmas with our tiny pink/purple tree and Abby taking pics of me opening everything was adorable! <3
Afterwards I skyped my mom well into the night and went to sleep happy as could be! ^_^
XOXO
Friday, December 14, 2012
Day 101: Ketto
Someday, someone will ask me how I am the way I am; how I have such an amazing life, with such an amazing career and such an amazing lover and such a long list of amazing adventures. They'll tell me how lucky I am. They'll say they'd do anything to have my life.
And then I'll refer them to these blogs I'm writing now, in 2012, at the relatively young age of 23. I'll gently tell them that everyone has a passion - something which, given the chance to study and practice and live, they just thrive on. This, this has been my passion for as long as I can remember.
Some study law, some study trees, some study technology, some study beer... I study the abstract concept of "life" and perspective. I study the power of thinking and I study how to best become the person I next wish to become and design a life I'm in love with. I study energy and metaphysic new-age philosophy. And, most importantly, I practice it. I practice the shit out of it.
When they tell me I'm lucky because it just comes so easily to me, I'll laugh. I'll think of nights like tonight where I sat in my room and just cried and cried, journaled and journaled. I'll think of all those countless emotional flash floods of insignificance that threatened to wipe out all the progress. I'll think of the cathartic music that got me from one end of the spectrum to the complete other end in a matter of hours.
I'm far from perfect at all of this yet, but I'm making progress. I don't know of another person my age who can go from "my world is ending" to "I can't wait for what's next" so seamlessly. I have a very comforting level of personal patience and curiosity, and this is what saves me on nights like these.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the universe who finds a good, cathartic release to be cleansing and welcome. So many people I know will do incredible things to avoid feeling the way they do. But for me, it's ulitimately very calming and brings me great personal peace within.
XOXO
And then I'll refer them to these blogs I'm writing now, in 2012, at the relatively young age of 23. I'll gently tell them that everyone has a passion - something which, given the chance to study and practice and live, they just thrive on. This, this has been my passion for as long as I can remember.
Some study law, some study trees, some study technology, some study beer... I study the abstract concept of "life" and perspective. I study the power of thinking and I study how to best become the person I next wish to become and design a life I'm in love with. I study energy and metaphysic new-age philosophy. And, most importantly, I practice it. I practice the shit out of it.
When they tell me I'm lucky because it just comes so easily to me, I'll laugh. I'll think of nights like tonight where I sat in my room and just cried and cried, journaled and journaled. I'll think of all those countless emotional flash floods of insignificance that threatened to wipe out all the progress. I'll think of the cathartic music that got me from one end of the spectrum to the complete other end in a matter of hours.
I'm far from perfect at all of this yet, but I'm making progress. I don't know of another person my age who can go from "my world is ending" to "I can't wait for what's next" so seamlessly. I have a very comforting level of personal patience and curiosity, and this is what saves me on nights like these.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the universe who finds a good, cathartic release to be cleansing and welcome. So many people I know will do incredible things to avoid feeling the way they do. But for me, it's ulitimately very calming and brings me great personal peace within.
XOXO
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Day 100: 12/12/12/ - EPIC!
How epic is it that on Day 100 of my journey here in Spain, the date turns out to be 12/12/12?!?!! How awesome is that!!!!!???? In honor of my 100th day livin' the dream (bahaha), I present to you my first draft of an "infographic" style resume concept I'm working on. YAY!
XOXO
XOXO
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Day 99: BAMF Teacher (once again!) and ROOMIE DATE!!!
My 5-7th graders have been doing their Junior Acheivement project in which they design a business and create a product, etc. It's a good idea, but it has been an overall chaotic disaster. I'm sure in a few years after the school has fine-tuned it, it will be awesome. But for now - >_<. Anyway, when I got to my 5th grade class this morning, the teacher informed me the project was FINALLY officially over, so today we (and by we, she meant I) would be going over their main horrendous mistakes on their last big exam. She then turned to the class and told them I was in charge and she immediately set to grading.
O_O
I joke that I am bothered by being told what I'm going to teach approximately thirty seconds before I have to teach it, but in all actuality I adore it. I definitely am the kind of person who thinks best on her toes and I thrive on the "Ready? set? go!!!" mentality of things. Give me a week to write a paper, or tell me I have thirty minutes - and that thirty minute paper will kick SO MUCH ASS over that week long one!!!
As it turns out, teaching basically follows the same rules for me! AWESOME.
The teacher asked me to go over three main things, and so I did - Chelsea style! ;) See, my only role that I'd had in these classes was the girl who would yell at them to stop being so ridiculous... and I hated it. I never got a chance to use my personality or be anything other than a behavior gaztapo. It way sucked. I'm not the kind of teacher who wishes to inspire fear in her students. I want to be the kind that kids absolutely, positively look forward to having - and, because of that, learn a boat load, too (most of the time, without even realizing it!).
So I took my first chance to really show them who I was as a teacher and I RAN with it. I ran all over the room and drew crazy things and made funny faces and threw erasers at peoples' heads and was dramatic and made them giggle. Basically, I was that BAMF teacher kids will remember for forever because they're just so strange a kid doesn't know whether to question their sanity or fall in love with them for being so unique. ;)
Here was a little how the class went:
1) Issue: Talking about ages. In Spanish, one says something like "el tiene 10 anos," which translates to "he has 10 years." Because of this, Spanish speakers are always saying "to have" instead of "to be." Considering this is one of the first five phrases you learn in a language class, it really can get on a person's nerves when students who have been studying the language for YEARS can't get it right.
And so I began talking. At first, I had no idea where I was going with my explanation of why it was "to be" and not "to have." I started them talking about their pets and had them tell me how old they were. Sure enough, half of them (at least) used the verb "to have." I just kept this up and blabbing until it hit me: "When you say, 'He only has two days...' in English, it basically means, 'He is going to die in two days.' So every single time you tell me your dog HAS two years, you're saying it's going to die in ten years. It's very upsetting. Why is it going to die? That is so sad! Is it sick!? Is someone going to kill it?! Are YOU going to kill it? When you tell me your dog has two years, you're basically killing your dog off... and that is way awful!!!"
By the end of my explanation students look both horrified and completely enraptured by the whole thing and were giggling uncontrollably. I kept repeating myself - "You are telling me that your dog/cat/fish/hamster is going to die and it is SOOOO sad!!!"
And so I asked them again - "How old is your dog!?" They would go to say, "he ha-", then stop themselves mid-word and scream, "IS!!! HE IS!!!!!!" It was HILARIOUS and AWESOME!!! I went through every kid in the classroom and not ONE killed their pet off by butchering the English language.
Using the correct verb was now - semi-literally - a matter of life and death. And doggoneit, these kids were not just about to kill off their furry friends!!!
2) Issue: Students were combining "have" and "has" into "haves" on exams and in conversation. And so, once again, I began talking. "'Haves' isn't really a word in English... unless, of course, you add an 'L', in which case it becomes 'halves.' Does anybody know what 'halves' means?!"
Silence.
I drew 1/2 and 1/2 on the board and wrote "one half and one half... two halves." I proceeded to explain that to "half" something mean to divide... or, more dramatically, VIOLENTLY SLICE... something in half. So when somebody says, "She haves a dog!" what they're really saying is, "She cuts a dog into two halves!!!!"
OMG!!!! NO!!!!! NOT THE POOR DOG!!!!!
I dramatically expressed horror by stumbling around the room and begging an imaginary person not to cut a dog in half. I then drew a giraffe on the board and then drew a dark line in the middle of it, showing that it was now cut in half.
The kids were, by this time, laughing HYSTERICALLY. Even the teacher had looked up at this point and was giggling along with them! ^_^ *win*
I then had kids in pairs use the verb "to have" in the 3rd person and listened to them. Every time somebody went to say "haves" they stopped themselves and shouted, "I mean!! I mean!!! HAS!!!!
BAD ASS, little 5th graders!!!
3) Issue: Cannot ever get off their lazy bums and write the extra 's' the third person singular takes in present simple in English.
Solution? Write an irregular verb in Spanish on the board and show them that there are NINE things to remember when using a SINGLE verb in the present tense in Spanish. And I FIGURED THIS OUT by their age.
Sure, forget that tiny, little, meaningless, ridiculously simple, stupidly easy 's' when speaking English to a fellow student. But forget it when I'm around - a girl who had to learn about a million different endings and stem-changers and irregulars and MYHEADISGOINGTOEXPLODE in able to speak SPANISH and I might just have to smack you around.
Just as I would get over my little harangue on the ridiculous simplicity of the 's', I would run back to the giant 'S!!!' I had drawn on the board and begin again:
"It's just ONE LETTER. You don't even have to take your PENCIL OFF THE PAGE TO MAKE IT. It always follows the rule. It's only sometimes. And it's just ONE LETTER!!! ONE!!! ONE!!!!! ONLY ONE!!!!!!! RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR!!!!!"
Kids were practically falling out of their seats laughing at this point.
Awesome.
I then had them practice with ten sentences on the board and had them do an activity I learned in my Master's class (what!? I learned something in my Master's class?!?!?!) of writing a sentence on a paper and giving it to the next student and folding over the antipenultimate one to make a funny story. Of all the sentences I checked, there were only two mistakes - and get this... the mistake was with the question "Does he play"... they tried to turn it into "Does he plays"... HELL YES TINY KIDS!!!! That's right - that totally makes sense to say "Does he plays" and add that 's' right there!!!! YAY FOR YOU!!!!
(We'll work on why you only have to conjugate the first verb in a sentence next class, for now I gave them a high five for thinking that way! ^_^)
I did this exact same class with the 6th graders in the afternoon and they possibly loved it even more. And yes, this class was taught to the 6th grade class I dreaded and loathed because of their disrespect and lack of attention span. The class I made them write a contract and screamed at the top of my lungs at. Suddenly, when I had the whole class to do what I wanted and be me, respect was INSTANTLY won. HELL YES.
At one point, one of the students (one of the really annoying ones, too) said to me, "Can you keep making us laugh!? We learn so much faster and better when you are being so funny!!!"
^_^ <- beaming with awesomeness and pride
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After school with Nacho-Man was a hoot, too... and I finally figured out all you have to do is throw a bouncy ball into the picture and any kid will speak as much English as you can trick them into. ;) Awesome. He attached himself to my legs when it was time for me to leave and informed me that because I didn't have tango class, I could stay with him for the night. :oD CUTE!
Getting home only made the day more awesome. Fajitas. Oreos with cream cheese (I don't know why I do it, but it's so good). Then roomie date with Abby. We started watching Gossip Girl, but halfway through we took an intermission to go get Abby candy and, while out, decided we really could use some rum. We came right back and made HOT TODDIES (OMG YUM!!) and finished Gossip Girl!!
I LOVE ROOMIE DATES SOOOOO MUCH!!!!
XOXO!!!
O_O
I joke that I am bothered by being told what I'm going to teach approximately thirty seconds before I have to teach it, but in all actuality I adore it. I definitely am the kind of person who thinks best on her toes and I thrive on the "Ready? set? go!!!" mentality of things. Give me a week to write a paper, or tell me I have thirty minutes - and that thirty minute paper will kick SO MUCH ASS over that week long one!!!
As it turns out, teaching basically follows the same rules for me! AWESOME.
The teacher asked me to go over three main things, and so I did - Chelsea style! ;) See, my only role that I'd had in these classes was the girl who would yell at them to stop being so ridiculous... and I hated it. I never got a chance to use my personality or be anything other than a behavior gaztapo. It way sucked. I'm not the kind of teacher who wishes to inspire fear in her students. I want to be the kind that kids absolutely, positively look forward to having - and, because of that, learn a boat load, too (most of the time, without even realizing it!).
So I took my first chance to really show them who I was as a teacher and I RAN with it. I ran all over the room and drew crazy things and made funny faces and threw erasers at peoples' heads and was dramatic and made them giggle. Basically, I was that BAMF teacher kids will remember for forever because they're just so strange a kid doesn't know whether to question their sanity or fall in love with them for being so unique. ;)
Here was a little how the class went:
1) Issue: Talking about ages. In Spanish, one says something like "el tiene 10 anos," which translates to "he has 10 years." Because of this, Spanish speakers are always saying "to have" instead of "to be." Considering this is one of the first five phrases you learn in a language class, it really can get on a person's nerves when students who have been studying the language for YEARS can't get it right.
And so I began talking. At first, I had no idea where I was going with my explanation of why it was "to be" and not "to have." I started them talking about their pets and had them tell me how old they were. Sure enough, half of them (at least) used the verb "to have." I just kept this up and blabbing until it hit me: "When you say, 'He only has two days...' in English, it basically means, 'He is going to die in two days.' So every single time you tell me your dog HAS two years, you're saying it's going to die in ten years. It's very upsetting. Why is it going to die? That is so sad! Is it sick!? Is someone going to kill it?! Are YOU going to kill it? When you tell me your dog has two years, you're basically killing your dog off... and that is way awful!!!"
By the end of my explanation students look both horrified and completely enraptured by the whole thing and were giggling uncontrollably. I kept repeating myself - "You are telling me that your dog/cat/fish/hamster is going to die and it is SOOOO sad!!!"
And so I asked them again - "How old is your dog!?" They would go to say, "he ha-", then stop themselves mid-word and scream, "IS!!! HE IS!!!!!!" It was HILARIOUS and AWESOME!!! I went through every kid in the classroom and not ONE killed their pet off by butchering the English language.
Using the correct verb was now - semi-literally - a matter of life and death. And doggoneit, these kids were not just about to kill off their furry friends!!!
2) Issue: Students were combining "have" and "has" into "haves" on exams and in conversation. And so, once again, I began talking. "'Haves' isn't really a word in English... unless, of course, you add an 'L', in which case it becomes 'halves.' Does anybody know what 'halves' means?!"
Silence.
I drew 1/2 and 1/2 on the board and wrote "one half and one half... two halves." I proceeded to explain that to "half" something mean to divide... or, more dramatically, VIOLENTLY SLICE... something in half. So when somebody says, "She haves a dog!" what they're really saying is, "She cuts a dog into two halves!!!!"
OMG!!!! NO!!!!! NOT THE POOR DOG!!!!!
I dramatically expressed horror by stumbling around the room and begging an imaginary person not to cut a dog in half. I then drew a giraffe on the board and then drew a dark line in the middle of it, showing that it was now cut in half.
The kids were, by this time, laughing HYSTERICALLY. Even the teacher had looked up at this point and was giggling along with them! ^_^ *win*
I then had kids in pairs use the verb "to have" in the 3rd person and listened to them. Every time somebody went to say "haves" they stopped themselves and shouted, "I mean!! I mean!!! HAS!!!!
BAD ASS, little 5th graders!!!
3) Issue: Cannot ever get off their lazy bums and write the extra 's' the third person singular takes in present simple in English.
Solution? Write an irregular verb in Spanish on the board and show them that there are NINE things to remember when using a SINGLE verb in the present tense in Spanish. And I FIGURED THIS OUT by their age.
Sure, forget that tiny, little, meaningless, ridiculously simple, stupidly easy 's' when speaking English to a fellow student. But forget it when I'm around - a girl who had to learn about a million different endings and stem-changers and irregulars and MYHEADISGOINGTOEXPLODE in able to speak SPANISH and I might just have to smack you around.
Just as I would get over my little harangue on the ridiculous simplicity of the 's', I would run back to the giant 'S!!!' I had drawn on the board and begin again:
"It's just ONE LETTER. You don't even have to take your PENCIL OFF THE PAGE TO MAKE IT. It always follows the rule. It's only sometimes. And it's just ONE LETTER!!! ONE!!! ONE!!!!! ONLY ONE!!!!!!! RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR!!!!!"
Kids were practically falling out of their seats laughing at this point.
Awesome.
I then had them practice with ten sentences on the board and had them do an activity I learned in my Master's class (what!? I learned something in my Master's class?!?!?!) of writing a sentence on a paper and giving it to the next student and folding over the antipenultimate one to make a funny story. Of all the sentences I checked, there were only two mistakes - and get this... the mistake was with the question "Does he play"... they tried to turn it into "Does he plays"... HELL YES TINY KIDS!!!! That's right - that totally makes sense to say "Does he plays" and add that 's' right there!!!! YAY FOR YOU!!!!
(We'll work on why you only have to conjugate the first verb in a sentence next class, for now I gave them a high five for thinking that way! ^_^)
I did this exact same class with the 6th graders in the afternoon and they possibly loved it even more. And yes, this class was taught to the 6th grade class I dreaded and loathed because of their disrespect and lack of attention span. The class I made them write a contract and screamed at the top of my lungs at. Suddenly, when I had the whole class to do what I wanted and be me, respect was INSTANTLY won. HELL YES.
At one point, one of the students (one of the really annoying ones, too) said to me, "Can you keep making us laugh!? We learn so much faster and better when you are being so funny!!!"
^_^ <- beaming with awesomeness and pride
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After school with Nacho-Man was a hoot, too... and I finally figured out all you have to do is throw a bouncy ball into the picture and any kid will speak as much English as you can trick them into. ;) Awesome. He attached himself to my legs when it was time for me to leave and informed me that because I didn't have tango class, I could stay with him for the night. :oD CUTE!
Getting home only made the day more awesome. Fajitas. Oreos with cream cheese (I don't know why I do it, but it's so good). Then roomie date with Abby. We started watching Gossip Girl, but halfway through we took an intermission to go get Abby candy and, while out, decided we really could use some rum. We came right back and made HOT TODDIES (OMG YUM!!) and finished Gossip Girl!!
I LOVE ROOMIE DATES SOOOOO MUCH!!!!
XOXO!!!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Day 98: Monday
Highlights of the day:
1) Found out the teachers at my school do Secret Santa ("amigos invisibles")!!! YAY!
2) I drew the name of the school handy man.
3) I bought him a toolbox and am stuffing it with Christmas ornaments and freshly baked cookies. I'm also burning him a CD, because he's the guy who drives me to university classes when I have them and his music taste is very similar to mine. I think he'll love some fresh American tunes! ;)
4) I also found out there is a Christmas dinner/party thing on Friday for the teachers. I'm totally going. I was told there are drinks and dancing. Oh my!! :) My favorite teacher to talk to offered to pick me up - now I just gotta figure out what to wear to my first *professional* holiday work party!!
5) My 4th grade teacher guy informed me the Very Chelsea Ideas of "bunny ears" when you're ready! and "popcorn reading" during oral activities have really caught on and made students ridiculously excited to work. Hell yes.
6) On the bus I was thinking of what to focus my thesis on. During dinner Abby was talking about juicing for a second. And then it came to me: How to juice the time economy of class time. I will elaborate more later; basically, how to teach as much as possible so students learn as much as possible in a minimum amount of class time. SOOOO much time is wasted during class (75%?) on pointless "activities" and transitions and dicipline, etc. There must be a way to fix this. I will research it. I think this would be a good thesis topic to put in my resume to get me hired across the globe. :)
XOXO
1) Found out the teachers at my school do Secret Santa ("amigos invisibles")!!! YAY!
2) I drew the name of the school handy man.
3) I bought him a toolbox and am stuffing it with Christmas ornaments and freshly baked cookies. I'm also burning him a CD, because he's the guy who drives me to university classes when I have them and his music taste is very similar to mine. I think he'll love some fresh American tunes! ;)
4) I also found out there is a Christmas dinner/party thing on Friday for the teachers. I'm totally going. I was told there are drinks and dancing. Oh my!! :) My favorite teacher to talk to offered to pick me up - now I just gotta figure out what to wear to my first *professional* holiday work party!!
5) My 4th grade teacher guy informed me the Very Chelsea Ideas of "bunny ears" when you're ready! and "popcorn reading" during oral activities have really caught on and made students ridiculously excited to work. Hell yes.
6) On the bus I was thinking of what to focus my thesis on. During dinner Abby was talking about juicing for a second. And then it came to me: How to juice the time economy of class time. I will elaborate more later; basically, how to teach as much as possible so students learn as much as possible in a minimum amount of class time. SOOOO much time is wasted during class (75%?) on pointless "activities" and transitions and dicipline, etc. There must be a way to fix this. I will research it. I think this would be a good thesis topic to put in my resume to get me hired across the globe. :)
XOXO
Day 97: Brunch!
Sometimes, I come up with such quaint little ideas, and I quickly run to see if my roomies would like to join me. I never expect that they'll want to, but every time they do... and every time I am the one that decides, "Ehh... I'm not sure I really want to do that anymore..."
And that's exactly what happened once again this morning when I was rudely awoken at 10am by Katie txting me, asking if I'd woken up to call and make brunch reservations yet.
See, going to Saturday brunch with my girls was totally my idea. I thought it'd be so cute and adorable to dress up, go into the city, and dine on some yummy AMERICAN breakfast cuisine (something which I've certainly missed oh-so-dearly!!). I didn't really think anybody else would be down, but within minutes of mentioning the idea, the masses were informed and excited. :)
But when I had to wake up at 10 am on a Saturday, I felt like I should have never mentioned it. Happily, the feeling went away after I crawled into Katie's bed to phone the restaurant and remain half-asleep. A little while later the restaurant returned my call and we had a brunch reservation all set and ready for 4:30pm.
HAHA - yep, 4:30pm brunch... 'cause they only had one reservation left. Woot!
I half went back to bed after completing this great feat, and got up a bit later to start primping. I really miss having a reason to primp every once in awhile and was super excited to take it! I showered, put on a cute outfit and my super classy trench coat and Burberry headband. I curled my hair and put on makeup. I was looking chic, if I do say so myself. ;) In fact, both Katie and Abby commented separately that I looked like Blair, from Gossip Girl!!! ^_^ YES!
But brunch wasn't 'til later and Scott and I still needed to get him a train ticket to Barcelona, so he packed up his pack and we were off. We got him a train ticket for 3:30pm in no time and decided to walk around a bit and find a mini bite to eat before he had to leave. We walked all over the Letter's Neighborhood and came across the most adorable croissant cafe! The ambiance of the cafe totally matched my look, if I do say so myself, and I felt like I could totally be part of a mini ad for some exotic European perfume or typewriter or something. HAHA!
Scott and I had a nice little meal (well, actually, it wasn't so little - but it WAS delicious!) - he had a sandwich, coffee and fresh squeezed orange juice and I had a smoked salmon and brie sandwich with a banana mocha smoothie. ^_^ It was nice to finally feel like I had a little confidence speaking Spanish when the ladies working there kept coming over to me to ask questions after Scott would order something. ;) I give him lots of credit for being so ballsy and autonomous... I think I would have just asked the person who really spoke the language to do my ordering for me had I been in that situation (and I have - and I do!).
It was fun talking about things we'd done in high school and what some people we'd (okay, I'd) stalked on Facebook were up to these days. DUHS was definitely a little bubble - and one of those little bubbles were I just thrived and was so, so, so happy and myself. <3 I don't think about it much anymore, but talking about it and giggling about it made me feel so happy. Being around someone who knew me from before all the drama (not that there's so much, but there's always some in the really interesting people's lives - ha) and questioning of who I am, what I'm doing, who I'm surrouding (and not surrounding) myself with, etc.... being around someone who knew and saw and experienced the little core of me made me feel so very whole. So very, very whole. <3 Some people just make you feel good about yourself. I wonder if I make anybody feel that way? I hope so.
Eventually, it was time for Scott to leave and so I walked him back to the train station and just like that he was off, to his next destination in his adventure. :)
I did a little wandering, a little exploring, and headed off to San Bernardo to meet up with the girls. I got there early, so I strolled past L's office building just to... well, I'm not entirely sure how to express why. As I did, I remembered the day my popsicle was melting all over me and giggled. :) I passed the little park perfect for mini lunch picnics. I passed the bench I sat at to wait. It was like a literal stroll down memory lane of sorts, and I was quite pleased to indulge myself a bit in it.
I roused myself from it all long enough to type in the name of the restaurant into my GPS and began following it. Still half in Lala Land, I soon realized I had walked the exact OPPOSITE direction and would have to run back the other way if I was going to get there before the food was served!! I had been so proud arriving in the area twenty minutes early, and I was a bit upset about still being late anyway. >_< Katie called me to tell me it was okay and that she would order for me, and sure enough, when I got there two flutes filled with mimosas were at my spot and my french toast was just arriving.
^_^ *squeal*
The food was good (though the portions were teeny weeny - but after such a big meal just two hours previously with Scott, it was just the right size for me!), it was fun to have an American serving us and it was great to be out with my friends at such a quaint little spot that everyone is always talking about. Carmencita's: we can check that off the list of adorable things to do in Madrid! YAY!
After brunch we walked around (my feet were SO blistered by this point; it was a struggle) and were quickly herded into a great mass of holiday shoppers. It was way yucky and we quickly got split up. After being pushed and shoved, Abby and I decided we were over it. She went home and I went in search of a wee bit of alone time after so much excitement these past few days, but when left alone with myself for the first time in what seemed like forever, I found my spirit a bit heavy.
Scott's visit, brunch with friends, a nice school... all of it had been making me feel so happy and social and good about myself. But after just five minutes all alone - something that previously I would have been so excited to have - I felt a pang of loneliness.
"This isn't personal growth," I told myself. "All you're doing is replacing one way of life with another way of life - but you're still attaching an amount of your own personal happiness to other people. You should be happy all alone. You should be great and confident all alone. Has all this wonderful stuff not helped you at all? Are you still the same girl who always needs attention and validation?"
And from there, I quickly spiraled.
A voice of reason would pipe up occasionally, saying, "Hey, it's okay to feel a little down sometimes. In fact, that would be normal. Take a moment to just feel blah. It's cool. Nobody is judging you. Gotta have a little down time to appreciate the up time. Being happy to be surrounded by friends is great. Feeling a little lonely without them after you've been so close with someone all week is fine. Don't be so harsh on yourself."
The two voices continued quarreling for the rest of my walk and the rest of the train ride home, all the while my poor toes screaming out in pain occasionally yelped loud enough to quell the conversation in my head for a moment or two.
By the time I came home, I was feeling a bit deflated. I walked into the room and plopped down on my chair, spilling a sentence to Abby about it all.
"The same thing happened to me after we parted ways!!" she confided. "I just began spiraling."
And so we sat in our room and talked and talked about it all. It is so nice to have somebody who is such a good listener, but somebody who also understands what I'm talking about and is sometimes experiencing or going through the same thing.
Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating when I congratulate myself for being so strong given certain circumstances and how the normal (old?) me would react. Sometimes I feel like I owe all of my so called inner strength to the good fortune of having Abby as a roomie and a good friend. She always listens when I have something to say (no matter how many times I've said something similar or how ridiculous or trite or silly it may be). She always knows what to say to give me that little ooph I need when I'm feeling down. She's the one person I have in this country who I feel like I can just be myself around and she'll still like me.
Living in the same room we spend a fair amount of time together, and so although I may be living in a foreign country all on my own, fresh from what should be a really jarring and strange break-up, I never, ever feel alone. In fact, I feel less alone this year between Abby, Katie, Ali and Marianna by a LONG SHOT than I did last year - when I felt like I was always coming home to an empty house and would sit in my bed watching episodes of SVU on my phone waiting to feel wanted (I felt so small, but only recently have I began to see how much of my own fault that was - come on, Chelsea - really!?).
The thing is, since first being with J (or maybe even before that) 4.5 years ago, I've always thought that to feel like you were whole and mattered and had a purpose in life, you had to be in a romantic relationship (or, at least, be in pursuit of one). I believed the whole point of life was to love someone else and without that, one would just be empty. But the past three months have served to completely override those beliefs. I think that the last time I had a friend (a friend - not a relationship/friend, but just a 100% friend) that made me feel all those things no matter my relationship status was Woody. Even then, there was always the Stephen thing on my mind, but he was there to be a real, true friend. I knew that if everyone else disappeared, he'd still be there for me and I could be confident in that. I knew he had my back and loved me and it made me strong.
And so it's been so long since I've had that sort of a friendship with anyone that I honestly forgot that sort of a thing even existed. Finding strength in a friend is not something to be ashamed of (as I often feel it is - "If I were growing and strong, I would be so all on my own.") - it's something to be extremely, extremely grateful for.
XOXO
And that's exactly what happened once again this morning when I was rudely awoken at 10am by Katie txting me, asking if I'd woken up to call and make brunch reservations yet.
See, going to Saturday brunch with my girls was totally my idea. I thought it'd be so cute and adorable to dress up, go into the city, and dine on some yummy AMERICAN breakfast cuisine (something which I've certainly missed oh-so-dearly!!). I didn't really think anybody else would be down, but within minutes of mentioning the idea, the masses were informed and excited. :)
But when I had to wake up at 10 am on a Saturday, I felt like I should have never mentioned it. Happily, the feeling went away after I crawled into Katie's bed to phone the restaurant and remain half-asleep. A little while later the restaurant returned my call and we had a brunch reservation all set and ready for 4:30pm.
HAHA - yep, 4:30pm brunch... 'cause they only had one reservation left. Woot!
I half went back to bed after completing this great feat, and got up a bit later to start primping. I really miss having a reason to primp every once in awhile and was super excited to take it! I showered, put on a cute outfit and my super classy trench coat and Burberry headband. I curled my hair and put on makeup. I was looking chic, if I do say so myself. ;) In fact, both Katie and Abby commented separately that I looked like Blair, from Gossip Girl!!! ^_^ YES!
But brunch wasn't 'til later and Scott and I still needed to get him a train ticket to Barcelona, so he packed up his pack and we were off. We got him a train ticket for 3:30pm in no time and decided to walk around a bit and find a mini bite to eat before he had to leave. We walked all over the Letter's Neighborhood and came across the most adorable croissant cafe! The ambiance of the cafe totally matched my look, if I do say so myself, and I felt like I could totally be part of a mini ad for some exotic European perfume or typewriter or something. HAHA!
Scott and I had a nice little meal (well, actually, it wasn't so little - but it WAS delicious!) - he had a sandwich, coffee and fresh squeezed orange juice and I had a smoked salmon and brie sandwich with a banana mocha smoothie. ^_^ It was nice to finally feel like I had a little confidence speaking Spanish when the ladies working there kept coming over to me to ask questions after Scott would order something. ;) I give him lots of credit for being so ballsy and autonomous... I think I would have just asked the person who really spoke the language to do my ordering for me had I been in that situation (and I have - and I do!).
It was fun talking about things we'd done in high school and what some people we'd (okay, I'd) stalked on Facebook were up to these days. DUHS was definitely a little bubble - and one of those little bubbles were I just thrived and was so, so, so happy and myself. <3 I don't think about it much anymore, but talking about it and giggling about it made me feel so happy. Being around someone who knew me from before all the drama (not that there's so much, but there's always some in the really interesting people's lives - ha) and questioning of who I am, what I'm doing, who I'm surrouding (and not surrounding) myself with, etc.... being around someone who knew and saw and experienced the little core of me made me feel so very whole. So very, very whole. <3 Some people just make you feel good about yourself. I wonder if I make anybody feel that way? I hope so.
Eventually, it was time for Scott to leave and so I walked him back to the train station and just like that he was off, to his next destination in his adventure. :)
I did a little wandering, a little exploring, and headed off to San Bernardo to meet up with the girls. I got there early, so I strolled past L's office building just to... well, I'm not entirely sure how to express why. As I did, I remembered the day my popsicle was melting all over me and giggled. :) I passed the little park perfect for mini lunch picnics. I passed the bench I sat at to wait. It was like a literal stroll down memory lane of sorts, and I was quite pleased to indulge myself a bit in it.
I roused myself from it all long enough to type in the name of the restaurant into my GPS and began following it. Still half in Lala Land, I soon realized I had walked the exact OPPOSITE direction and would have to run back the other way if I was going to get there before the food was served!! I had been so proud arriving in the area twenty minutes early, and I was a bit upset about still being late anyway. >_< Katie called me to tell me it was okay and that she would order for me, and sure enough, when I got there two flutes filled with mimosas were at my spot and my french toast was just arriving.
^_^ *squeal*
The food was good (though the portions were teeny weeny - but after such a big meal just two hours previously with Scott, it was just the right size for me!), it was fun to have an American serving us and it was great to be out with my friends at such a quaint little spot that everyone is always talking about. Carmencita's: we can check that off the list of adorable things to do in Madrid! YAY!
After brunch we walked around (my feet were SO blistered by this point; it was a struggle) and were quickly herded into a great mass of holiday shoppers. It was way yucky and we quickly got split up. After being pushed and shoved, Abby and I decided we were over it. She went home and I went in search of a wee bit of alone time after so much excitement these past few days, but when left alone with myself for the first time in what seemed like forever, I found my spirit a bit heavy.
Scott's visit, brunch with friends, a nice school... all of it had been making me feel so happy and social and good about myself. But after just five minutes all alone - something that previously I would have been so excited to have - I felt a pang of loneliness.
"This isn't personal growth," I told myself. "All you're doing is replacing one way of life with another way of life - but you're still attaching an amount of your own personal happiness to other people. You should be happy all alone. You should be great and confident all alone. Has all this wonderful stuff not helped you at all? Are you still the same girl who always needs attention and validation?"
And from there, I quickly spiraled.
A voice of reason would pipe up occasionally, saying, "Hey, it's okay to feel a little down sometimes. In fact, that would be normal. Take a moment to just feel blah. It's cool. Nobody is judging you. Gotta have a little down time to appreciate the up time. Being happy to be surrounded by friends is great. Feeling a little lonely without them after you've been so close with someone all week is fine. Don't be so harsh on yourself."
The two voices continued quarreling for the rest of my walk and the rest of the train ride home, all the while my poor toes screaming out in pain occasionally yelped loud enough to quell the conversation in my head for a moment or two.
By the time I came home, I was feeling a bit deflated. I walked into the room and plopped down on my chair, spilling a sentence to Abby about it all.
"The same thing happened to me after we parted ways!!" she confided. "I just began spiraling."
And so we sat in our room and talked and talked about it all. It is so nice to have somebody who is such a good listener, but somebody who also understands what I'm talking about and is sometimes experiencing or going through the same thing.
Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating when I congratulate myself for being so strong given certain circumstances and how the normal (old?) me would react. Sometimes I feel like I owe all of my so called inner strength to the good fortune of having Abby as a roomie and a good friend. She always listens when I have something to say (no matter how many times I've said something similar or how ridiculous or trite or silly it may be). She always knows what to say to give me that little ooph I need when I'm feeling down. She's the one person I have in this country who I feel like I can just be myself around and she'll still like me.
Living in the same room we spend a fair amount of time together, and so although I may be living in a foreign country all on my own, fresh from what should be a really jarring and strange break-up, I never, ever feel alone. In fact, I feel less alone this year between Abby, Katie, Ali and Marianna by a LONG SHOT than I did last year - when I felt like I was always coming home to an empty house and would sit in my bed watching episodes of SVU on my phone waiting to feel wanted (I felt so small, but only recently have I began to see how much of my own fault that was - come on, Chelsea - really!?).
The thing is, since first being with J (or maybe even before that) 4.5 years ago, I've always thought that to feel like you were whole and mattered and had a purpose in life, you had to be in a romantic relationship (or, at least, be in pursuit of one). I believed the whole point of life was to love someone else and without that, one would just be empty. But the past three months have served to completely override those beliefs. I think that the last time I had a friend (a friend - not a relationship/friend, but just a 100% friend) that made me feel all those things no matter my relationship status was Woody. Even then, there was always the Stephen thing on my mind, but he was there to be a real, true friend. I knew that if everyone else disappeared, he'd still be there for me and I could be confident in that. I knew he had my back and loved me and it made me strong.
And so it's been so long since I've had that sort of a friendship with anyone that I honestly forgot that sort of a thing even existed. Finding strength in a friend is not something to be ashamed of (as I often feel it is - "If I were growing and strong, I would be so all on my own.") - it's something to be extremely, extremely grateful for.
XOXO
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Day 96: Around Madrid in 8 hours!
I had an absolute hoot showing Scott around Madrid today! I made him a little pocket sized guidebook for our walking tour and we embarked a little late after a nice breakfast of chocolate croissants and OJ. :) We made it through the whole walking tour in eight hours, which honestly impressed me!
The best thing of the day? Oddly, the very strange modern art installment at the art museum/gallery in the middle of Retiro Park, right by the Crystal Palace. At first I thought the modern art was just ridiculous (a huge blue canvas that says "Fuck Painting"... really?), but when I came across the sculpture made out of toilet paper, my giggle made me open up just a little to the whole thing (UNEXPLICABLY!? Haha!!). In the last part of the exhibition we came across a ginormous WHITE canvas. I understand canvases come white, but this one was painted white - and perfectly so. No brush strokes, no uneven amounts of white paint. It reminded me of the epic "Blue Wall" I painted in Mrs. Kirschbaum's class in middle school - hee hee!
I examined this white, white canvas up close, then from afar, and then slowly walked towards it again, staring in the same spot. It evoked an extremely altering state in me and I tried it again. Same thing happened. I then told Scott to try. He felt it, too! It was such a large white canvas that as you walked toward it, your entire field of vision was enveloped in white, and suddenly you had no sense of dimension nor space. It was the trippiest feeling I've ever gotten from a painting - especially just a white painting! I did it a few more times and just loved it. It was like an instant meditation - seeing ALL WHITE made time seem to stand still and space seem to drop away. Sure, you can easily envelop yourself in black if you shut the windows and turn of the lights, but enveloping yourself in white? That's a whole different story!
Anyway, I had a great time with Scott and it was fun to be able to show him around while talking about strange things from when we were younger, as well as what was knew with us since we last saw each other years ago. It didn't seem like so much time had gone by, and that both surprised me and didn't at the same time.
I must say, spending 24 hours with the person who was your world when you were 14, 15, 16... nine years later... has got to be the most interesting way to see how you've changed (and how you haven't).
I'm still the brightly colored, giggly, girly, slightly excentric (for lack of a better word?), contradicting, intelligent, unique girl with that zest for life who looks forward to the next adventure and dresses up in rainbow-colored battle gear to meet any challenge head-on.
But that sheltered innocence that made the whole package so very intriguing is long gone. Not to say that all that I am and the intrinsic contradictions aren't intriguing any longer - if anything, they're that much more so!
How can a girl who loves driving around in an adorable little VW Bug love pondering the concept of death? How can a girl who is utterly obsessed with cupcake culture and everything cutsie and kawaii have tattoos and piercings? How can a girl who is so in love with linguistics, foreign languages, writing and etymology use such a low-level, "street" lexicon and take herself seriously? How can such a girly, girly, GIRLY right-leaning girl like girls? How can a girl who sleeps with the same stuffed dog she's had since her 16th birthday have worked at Hooters for a year and LOVED it?
I can see in his eyes as we're on the train that he's not all together sure what to make of this strange combination of 14 year old Chelsea and 23 year old Chelsea, because the things that are different about me now are so GLARINGLY different that it must be disorienting. As we continued to share stories about what we'd been up to, he suddenly said, "You know, I'm actually a little jealous of you - I mean, you've really been LIVING - and leading a really interesting life."
All this time I've been taking to myself since I arrived here in Spain again has been spent trying to tear everything apart and rebuild it from the foundation up. When I arrived I felt so lost, so alone... I didn't quite know who I was - I'd tried so hard to not make a disaster out of everything I'd wanted so badly and finally had, but in the end it all that was left of me was a shell (and not a very convincing one). I summoned all the energy I had to get on that plane and just go. To go towards myself.
Being lost and not knowing where you are (nor where you're headed) is one of the most awful feelings.
I was convinced that everything I'd done was wrong, as was everything I was about to do. That I was unsuccessful and behind and wasting my own time on dreams I wasn't even ready for when I should have been working towards the ones I was ready for.
But when I finally started to find myself again, I realized none of that was true. I'm that rare unicorn who's brave enough and chalk full of boat loads of courage that she is able to follow her heart when most others would just shy away from it and try their best to shush it. I'm that rare unicorn that takes chances. I'm that rare unicorn who is not willing to settle for anything less than an amazing life and will do the impossible to pull herself out of something that's no longer serving her highest self. I'm a unicorn because I'm what some people want to believe in, but convince themselves can't be real and continue living their life as is.
But why can't unicorns exist? ;) Afterall, Narwhals do... and, in my humble opinion, they're WAY more fantastical than a unicorn! Haha.
Showing someone around my European town who knew me better than just about anybody else when I was 15 made me realize how proud I am of who I've become and the choices I've made to get where I am. When all is said and done, my life is anything but dull, and is filled with adventure, risks, bright colors, cupcakes, writing and a lot of love. I know 14 year old would be incredulous and flabbergasted by how I've changed, but I also know that she would be absolutely awestruck and in love with who she was to become. ;)
The past few nights I've had dreams in which I was wearing an engagement ring - not my Tiffany & Co. engagement ring, but a very classy Verragio-styled one. Each night the diamond seems to get a little bigger. I only search my dreams in a dream dictionary if they're reoccurring in a small period of time, and here's what I got:
"To see or receive a ring in your dream symbolizes emotional wholeness, continuity, commitments and honor. If the ring is on your finger, then it signifies your commitment to a relationship or to a new endeavor. You are loyal to your ideals, responsibilities, or beliefs.
To see diamonds in your dream signify the wholeness of the Self. You may be finding clarity in matters that have been clouding you. "
^_^ Yep - I'd say that about sums it up!
xoxo
The best thing of the day? Oddly, the very strange modern art installment at the art museum/gallery in the middle of Retiro Park, right by the Crystal Palace. At first I thought the modern art was just ridiculous (a huge blue canvas that says "Fuck Painting"... really?), but when I came across the sculpture made out of toilet paper, my giggle made me open up just a little to the whole thing (UNEXPLICABLY!? Haha!!). In the last part of the exhibition we came across a ginormous WHITE canvas. I understand canvases come white, but this one was painted white - and perfectly so. No brush strokes, no uneven amounts of white paint. It reminded me of the epic "Blue Wall" I painted in Mrs. Kirschbaum's class in middle school - hee hee!
I examined this white, white canvas up close, then from afar, and then slowly walked towards it again, staring in the same spot. It evoked an extremely altering state in me and I tried it again. Same thing happened. I then told Scott to try. He felt it, too! It was such a large white canvas that as you walked toward it, your entire field of vision was enveloped in white, and suddenly you had no sense of dimension nor space. It was the trippiest feeling I've ever gotten from a painting - especially just a white painting! I did it a few more times and just loved it. It was like an instant meditation - seeing ALL WHITE made time seem to stand still and space seem to drop away. Sure, you can easily envelop yourself in black if you shut the windows and turn of the lights, but enveloping yourself in white? That's a whole different story!
Anyway, I had a great time with Scott and it was fun to be able to show him around while talking about strange things from when we were younger, as well as what was knew with us since we last saw each other years ago. It didn't seem like so much time had gone by, and that both surprised me and didn't at the same time.
I must say, spending 24 hours with the person who was your world when you were 14, 15, 16... nine years later... has got to be the most interesting way to see how you've changed (and how you haven't).
I'm still the brightly colored, giggly, girly, slightly excentric (for lack of a better word?), contradicting, intelligent, unique girl with that zest for life who looks forward to the next adventure and dresses up in rainbow-colored battle gear to meet any challenge head-on.
But that sheltered innocence that made the whole package so very intriguing is long gone. Not to say that all that I am and the intrinsic contradictions aren't intriguing any longer - if anything, they're that much more so!
How can a girl who loves driving around in an adorable little VW Bug love pondering the concept of death? How can a girl who is utterly obsessed with cupcake culture and everything cutsie and kawaii have tattoos and piercings? How can a girl who is so in love with linguistics, foreign languages, writing and etymology use such a low-level, "street" lexicon and take herself seriously? How can such a girly, girly, GIRLY right-leaning girl like girls? How can a girl who sleeps with the same stuffed dog she's had since her 16th birthday have worked at Hooters for a year and LOVED it?
I can see in his eyes as we're on the train that he's not all together sure what to make of this strange combination of 14 year old Chelsea and 23 year old Chelsea, because the things that are different about me now are so GLARINGLY different that it must be disorienting. As we continued to share stories about what we'd been up to, he suddenly said, "You know, I'm actually a little jealous of you - I mean, you've really been LIVING - and leading a really interesting life."
All this time I've been taking to myself since I arrived here in Spain again has been spent trying to tear everything apart and rebuild it from the foundation up. When I arrived I felt so lost, so alone... I didn't quite know who I was - I'd tried so hard to not make a disaster out of everything I'd wanted so badly and finally had, but in the end it all that was left of me was a shell (and not a very convincing one). I summoned all the energy I had to get on that plane and just go. To go towards myself.
Being lost and not knowing where you are (nor where you're headed) is one of the most awful feelings.
I was convinced that everything I'd done was wrong, as was everything I was about to do. That I was unsuccessful and behind and wasting my own time on dreams I wasn't even ready for when I should have been working towards the ones I was ready for.
But when I finally started to find myself again, I realized none of that was true. I'm that rare unicorn who's brave enough and chalk full of boat loads of courage that she is able to follow her heart when most others would just shy away from it and try their best to shush it. I'm that rare unicorn that takes chances. I'm that rare unicorn who is not willing to settle for anything less than an amazing life and will do the impossible to pull herself out of something that's no longer serving her highest self. I'm a unicorn because I'm what some people want to believe in, but convince themselves can't be real and continue living their life as is.
But why can't unicorns exist? ;) Afterall, Narwhals do... and, in my humble opinion, they're WAY more fantastical than a unicorn! Haha.
Showing someone around my European town who knew me better than just about anybody else when I was 15 made me realize how proud I am of who I've become and the choices I've made to get where I am. When all is said and done, my life is anything but dull, and is filled with adventure, risks, bright colors, cupcakes, writing and a lot of love. I know 14 year old would be incredulous and flabbergasted by how I've changed, but I also know that she would be absolutely awestruck and in love with who she was to become. ;)
The past few nights I've had dreams in which I was wearing an engagement ring - not my Tiffany & Co. engagement ring, but a very classy Verragio-styled one. Each night the diamond seems to get a little bigger. I only search my dreams in a dream dictionary if they're reoccurring in a small period of time, and here's what I got:
"To see or receive a ring in your dream symbolizes emotional wholeness, continuity, commitments and honor. If the ring is on your finger, then it signifies your commitment to a relationship or to a new endeavor. You are loyal to your ideals, responsibilities, or beliefs.
To see diamonds in your dream signify the wholeness of the Self. You may be finding clarity in matters that have been clouding you. "
^_^ Yep - I'd say that about sums it up!
xoxo
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