Teaching English is just a guise; it's merely a happy byproduct of what I actually do. What I do I fly paper airplanes with colorful moose and simple words of love on it through windows in the middle of the night when I know they there's a sweet boy in his bed trying not to cry. What I do is give out high fives liberally and make up cray little victory dances to celebrate even the tiniest of victories for a few little amazing souls I've come to know. What I do is listen - but really listen - when somebody trusts me enough to open up, even in the littlest of ways.
Part of what makes it so odd is how unabashedly authentic I am when it comes to my personality. At first I just did it to make things more interesting... but as these four weeks have gone by, I've began to realize that me being my crazy self has made some of my "students" feel comfortable being their silly, authentic self, too. O_o It has been like watching little flowers bloom. And it's the sweetest thing.
Another odd thing is how I aim to see things from their perspective. That's not normal bears. It seems control is high on the list of desires for teachers... And maybe I just don't get it... But I find control to be stifling on the whole. The whole "because I said so" logic has always been lost on me and I refuse to perpetuate it... Which makes for interesting occurrences.
"Can we take a nap?"
"Um, no."
"Why not?"
"Because we have things to do..."
"But we will work harder and learn more, more quickly, if we can take a quick nap!"
"You really think so?"
"Yeah!"
"Huh. Well okay, let's try it."
"Really!?!"
"Sure, why not? But if it doesn't prove to be effectual, we won't do it again."
"Okay, Chelsea! We love you!"
And that's how nap time became a thing in class. While all the other teachers complained that their kids were listless and dozing off in class and not paying attention nor learning anything, mine were power snoozing for 30 minutes, lulled to sleep by quiet trance music in English... And then waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready and excited to learn.
The fact their nap idea was a really great and effective one was really cool, but what was even better was their sense of awe that they were being allowed to nap in class. They would repeatedly tell me they loved me for it - but it wasn't just the sleep... It was that I had rationally listened to their argument and thrown the ball in their court. I respected them, and in turn they quickly grew to respect me. And the more the mutual respect grew, the more they were accidentally learning... And the more they accidentally learned... The more confident they got... And the more confident they got, the more English they used and the more authentic they each became... And the more that happened, the more praise I gave them -- just like a crazy hyper narwhal loving cheerleader!! ;)
If my 40 kids from these past four weeks retain any new knowledge about the English language that the learned during camp, I will be a pleased panda. But I'm really not so concerned about that, to be honest. What really is keeping me up until 6am writing and rewriting this post for is the fear that the spark in their eyes that's gotten brighter and brighter throughout camp with begin to dim again after they leave.
This fear began rather selfishly...
This month working at this camp has been one of the best months of my existence: I've fallen in love with many of my kids, fallen much deeper in love with teaching, and fallen in love with the quirky parts of myself I used to be rather unsure and nervous about. And so a small part of me is afraid to leave here. I know it's time, and I know my kids would have to go either way again... But what if I forget all of this love, confidence and happiness that's percolated up inside of me?
If I'm never out for myself, how will some of my favorites fare?! Will this experience have been even minutely important in their lives?! Will they remember there is a crazy "teacher" somewhere out there who adores them and is always on their side?!
I could spend my time worrying about it... Or I could spend my time continuing to make my life something that could be worthy of inspiring these little people I've come I adore. <3
This month has been amazing. But not a single other teacher thinks so; they all can't wait to get home. The first day I was pretty judgmental of it all, but when Favorite told me to view it all as a sort of adventure... Suddenly the negatives became an eventful part of the story rather than something to make me want to kill others. ;) But really, the idea of viewing something from the vantage point of an adventure makes things so much... Lighter. <3
I've learned so many things this month... But I think one of the most important things I learned was just how toxic complaining can be. On a cognitive level I knew this to some extent... But it wasn't until this month that I really started to notice it. See, one person starts... And then another feeds off of it... And then it just becomes and interminable chain of complaints... And everyone leaves the exchange feeling self righteous and fully ready to spot the next negative thing they can find. And little by little, all the magic is sucked out of the adventure until it smells like nothing but shit... and maybe, just maybe, it could have been a magical little bouquet of bliss had you just given it the chance.
I also feel this way about children... But that's for another time...
Anyway it's 7am now and I'm über sick of being the noise police on these poor kids.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Map.
The tattoo on my wrist is a map. It's a map that is there to remind me that things can only get better from where I'm standing now. A few years ago that wouldn't have meant much, as where I was standing wasn't always necessarily so great, so it's a celebration of perspective. Usually "it gets better" is said to depressed people, not to somebody who is really happy.
But really. What an altering concept to see things that go away or that you want but don't get as a blessing... Saving room for something even better.
I can't be sad to leave camp knowing that what comes next will be even more amazing and knowing that I've made 40 kids really happy.
But really. What an altering concept to see things that go away or that you want but don't get as a blessing... Saving room for something even better.
I can't be sad to leave camp knowing that what comes next will be even more amazing and knowing that I've made 40 kids really happy.
Go.
There's a Pinterest quote which reads, "Go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated."
I think I may have found that enchanted place...
XOXO
I think I may have found that enchanted place...
XOXO
Respect
The whole notion that teachers are supposed to be these supreme beings above you is just ridiculous to me. I think a good teacher is one who considers themselves to be completely equal to their students. Sure, in class they have knowledge that they are sharing that the students don't yet know, but those same students know tons of things that the teacher doesn't know. So this whole charade of teachers seeing themselves as superior is just such an ego trip, to me.
For me, to be honest, I find my students to be even more intelligent than the average person. I respect my students and their thoughts and opinions much more than I respect those of the people who are supposedly my "equals." My students are always so clever and imaginative and hilarious. Dull thinking, mindless regurgitation and conformity are simply do not have a place in my classroom. I find that I am completely on my kids' side to be themselves - and bonus points for being totally crazy and strange!
I'd be that teacher that if a student didn't know an answer on an exam but wrote a really clever retort, I'd not only give them the points, but I'd give them bonus points. I want my kids to learn English and feel happy, excited and conforfortable with expressing themselves in the language, but more than that I want to instill in them that being their unique them and loving it is the most important thing ever. Teaching English is just the guise under which I can try to teach what I really find important. ;)
XOXO
For me, to be honest, I find my students to be even more intelligent than the average person. I respect my students and their thoughts and opinions much more than I respect those of the people who are supposedly my "equals." My students are always so clever and imaginative and hilarious. Dull thinking, mindless regurgitation and conformity are simply do not have a place in my classroom. I find that I am completely on my kids' side to be themselves - and bonus points for being totally crazy and strange!
I'd be that teacher that if a student didn't know an answer on an exam but wrote a really clever retort, I'd not only give them the points, but I'd give them bonus points. I want my kids to learn English and feel happy, excited and conforfortable with expressing themselves in the language, but more than that I want to instill in them that being their unique them and loving it is the most important thing ever. Teaching English is just the guise under which I can try to teach what I really find important. ;)
XOXO
Last Day of Camp 1
My lil narwhals again and I am so sad about it... But having them all texting me tonight, using everything I've taught them in class the past two weeks perfectly and telling me how much they missed me?! It made my little heart melt!! <3
I love them. So much. And I've loved these past two weeks. I don't think I've ever been this happy for two consecutive weeks nonstop. I have great friends who love my silliness, I have amazingly intelligent and awesome students who adore me, I have a pool time daily and weekly beach excursions.
This is me living my dream life.
<3 XOXO
I love them. So much. And I've loved these past two weeks. I don't think I've ever been this happy for two consecutive weeks nonstop. I have great friends who love my silliness, I have amazingly intelligent and awesome students who adore me, I have a pool time daily and weekly beach excursions.
This is me living my dream life.
<3 XOXO
Absolutely
I absolutely adore this! <3
I think this might be what "happiness" is... Truly. And I feel so grateful - both for this entire experience and for finally seeing what all those moments that threatened to break my heart and spirit were about. <3
I think this might be what "happiness" is... Truly. And I feel so grateful - both for this entire experience and for finally seeing what all those moments that threatened to break my heart and spirit were about. <3
First Day of Camp
I think I am going to LOVE this...!
After a relaxed morning of making posters and going out for a lunch of pizza and beer, it was time to get serious. Today was arrival day and the girls and I got to do oral placement tests for 96 11-13 year olds! They were all soooooo freaking adorable! It was cool to be in the same room as the other three girls, cuz it was fun how, with the same set of questions we were asking, we all did it in such a different way! One was very serious, one was very chill, one was very teacher like and one was, well, me. The biggest difference I could see was that I was 100% authentically interested in the conversation I was having with each one, while two of the others at least seemed focused on the task of evaluation. One kid told me at the end of it that I was really funny and he liked me. ^_^ Hahaha!
After the oral placements, we had dinner and then I got to work on dividing the 100 kids into groups based on their level and gender. I jumped in and took over in a rare act of leadership not so much to be insanely helpful, but because I had fallen in love with some of the kids I'd talked to and wanted to make sure I got them in my group! ;) I came up with a semi elaborate color coding system and went crazy! Man, I love color coded organization!! So. Much.
After I rocked it and got all of the groups assigned perfectly and like the awesome possum I am, we had to take the lists out to the pool where they were doing the First Night Pirate Baptism. It was 11:30 at night and the beautiful orange half-moon glistened across the water. The pool was surrounded by students and lit tiki torches, while two of the guy councilors, fully dressed in their pirate gear, lurked around in the water. It all looked so cool and eerie!! I started taking pictures of them and they told me to come over to get my pirate baptism next. I handed my phone to my friend to take a pic and when I bent down to talk to the two in the pool, they both grabbed me and yanked me into the pool, clothes and all!!!!! The students started cheering and laughing, as I was the only girl counselor they'd done it to, and as soon as I made my way to the surface, I couldn't help but giggle and splash around!
I know it seems like nothing more than silly horse play, but it was one of those rare moments where I just felt 100% alive. <3
XOXO
After a relaxed morning of making posters and going out for a lunch of pizza and beer, it was time to get serious. Today was arrival day and the girls and I got to do oral placement tests for 96 11-13 year olds! They were all soooooo freaking adorable! It was cool to be in the same room as the other three girls, cuz it was fun how, with the same set of questions we were asking, we all did it in such a different way! One was very serious, one was very chill, one was very teacher like and one was, well, me. The biggest difference I could see was that I was 100% authentically interested in the conversation I was having with each one, while two of the others at least seemed focused on the task of evaluation. One kid told me at the end of it that I was really funny and he liked me. ^_^ Hahaha!
After the oral placements, we had dinner and then I got to work on dividing the 100 kids into groups based on their level and gender. I jumped in and took over in a rare act of leadership not so much to be insanely helpful, but because I had fallen in love with some of the kids I'd talked to and wanted to make sure I got them in my group! ;) I came up with a semi elaborate color coding system and went crazy! Man, I love color coded organization!! So. Much.
After I rocked it and got all of the groups assigned perfectly and like the awesome possum I am, we had to take the lists out to the pool where they were doing the First Night Pirate Baptism. It was 11:30 at night and the beautiful orange half-moon glistened across the water. The pool was surrounded by students and lit tiki torches, while two of the guy councilors, fully dressed in their pirate gear, lurked around in the water. It all looked so cool and eerie!! I started taking pictures of them and they told me to come over to get my pirate baptism next. I handed my phone to my friend to take a pic and when I bent down to talk to the two in the pool, they both grabbed me and yanked me into the pool, clothes and all!!!!! The students started cheering and laughing, as I was the only girl counselor they'd done it to, and as soon as I made my way to the surface, I couldn't help but giggle and splash around!
I know it seems like nothing more than silly horse play, but it was one of those rare moments where I just felt 100% alive. <3
XOXO
So far...
So far so good! :)
I debated for weeks whether or not I should accept the job at this camp; I was given the job without any interview and, upon reading about it, felt it was too good to be true. Living on the beach on the Mediterranean Sea for a month, all housing, transportation and food included... Plus a decent salary, all while working with 10-12 year olds on nothing but random conversation?! There has to be a catch...
...well soon find out! So far I'm way impressed! ^_^
XOXO
I debated for weeks whether or not I should accept the job at this camp; I was given the job without any interview and, upon reading about it, felt it was too good to be true. Living on the beach on the Mediterranean Sea for a month, all housing, transportation and food included... Plus a decent salary, all while working with 10-12 year olds on nothing but random conversation?! There has to be a catch...
...well soon find out! So far I'm way impressed! ^_^
XOXO
July.
Five weeks ago I had no idea where I was going to live this summer, nor how I was going to make enough money to get by. All of my "friends" were about to move back to the US and my life as I'd come to know it was officially coming to a close without any plan for the coming three months whatsoever.
I was stressed. Not overly so, just appropriately shaken, standing at the ledge and having no idea what would be there when I jumped. But I knew there would be something. Uncertainty means anything is possible, and if there's one thing Pinterest has taught me, it's that perspective is everything and you send just as much energy worrying as you could use in creating the right vibrations and energy to prepare yourself for something great.
I took the month of July off from blogging. I was tired. I didn't know if I'd have much to write about. I just needed a break. And I'm very grateful I allowed myself that break without feeling even the slightest tinge of guilt. But! I'm rested and ready to go again. I adore my blog and having a place I can mentally, emotionally and spiritually escape to each night to digest and reflect upon my day.
So how was July? July was good. I got to live in the most adorable boho apartment in my favorite neighborhood in the whole world, Malasaña! I got to wake up each morning with sunshine pouring through my own personal balcony. I could walk out my front door and be in the center of Madrid in seconds! But what really made living there so great was David! :)
XOXO
I was stressed. Not overly so, just appropriately shaken, standing at the ledge and having no idea what would be there when I jumped. But I knew there would be something. Uncertainty means anything is possible, and if there's one thing Pinterest has taught me, it's that perspective is everything and you send just as much energy worrying as you could use in creating the right vibrations and energy to prepare yourself for something great.
I took the month of July off from blogging. I was tired. I didn't know if I'd have much to write about. I just needed a break. And I'm very grateful I allowed myself that break without feeling even the slightest tinge of guilt. But! I'm rested and ready to go again. I adore my blog and having a place I can mentally, emotionally and spiritually escape to each night to digest and reflect upon my day.
So how was July? July was good. I got to live in the most adorable boho apartment in my favorite neighborhood in the whole world, Malasaña! I got to wake up each morning with sunshine pouring through my own personal balcony. I could walk out my front door and be in the center of Madrid in seconds! But what really made living there so great was David! :)
XOXO
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Truth.
The next 48 hours were spent drowning in an bottomless dirty puddle of self-doubt and self-judgement. I'd gone so long without having to write one of those, "I effed up... BIG time..." emails to my best friend, that each word that I typed made me sink lower and lower. I was sure I'd taken everything I'd so carefully constructed over the past year and smashed it into a million little pieces in one night. And it just felt so typical of me that I wanted to cry.
I've spent most of my life trying to hide certain aspects of who I really am so that I better conform to the views that people have of me. So when I woke up, realizing I had accidentally dropped the facade for a night and was completely honest about who I really am, I was sure it was the worst thing I could have possibly done.
But, as it turned out, I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only had he not judged me for any of it... But it all had actually heightened his opinion of me. o_O The conversation that followed was four hours long, and by the end of it my entire perspective on being myself was irrevocably changed.
His perspective made me see how the moments of my life I most wished had never happened were precisely the ones that inspired the best parts of who I am today. They weren't things I needed to hide from or be ashamed of... Instead they were the divine starting points or catalysts or mini battles that made me this girl whom I've been falling in love with this year. They didn't make me less of that girl - they MADE me that girl.
Suddenly all of the little moments that had seemed so dark and shameful began to appear light and sparkly. All the time I'd spent wishing I could change those moments had been silly, as those moments were divinely inserted into my life for very specific reasons. The problem was that it'd taken me 24 years to start to see the big picture and reap the rewards intrinsic in it all.
It was certainly eye opening... But it wasn't the most important epiphany from that four hour conversation. The most important one was realizing that all those hours talking with Conor and Martin had stuck.
I remember one afternoon I was laying in the sunshine on the floor of my bedroom, having class on the phone with Martin. I was in an unusually angsty mood and he called me out of it. "Why do you have to judge him like that? What would happen if you let him live his own truth? What would happen if you saw them as innocent?" These three questions nearly made my blood boil. Of course I couldn't just sit back while one of my best friends made horrible choice after horrible choice. I knew better than them and had to stop them.
Martin tried to reason with me. He tried to make me see that what's right for one person may not be right for the other person, yet I refused to listen. I knew better than them and that was that. How could I stand back and watch as these people I cared about went on ruining their own lives?! Living their "own truth" my ass...
Secretly, I wanted more than anything to be able to see them as innocent. I wanted to be there for my friends as someone that could help rather than someone who just kept yelling at them. But how?
The thing I was missing of course was the big picture. People didnt decide to do drugs because they were just stupid. People didnt decide to fail classes because they just didn't care. All of it had a deeper reason, and all of those deeper reasons were rooted in a fragile place that had been hurt too many times.
Gradually, I began to see people differently; I began to see them as little tiny creatures who had been so repeatedly knocked down and injured that the only way they could continue in one piece was to do the things I had been so harshly judging them for. And it wasn't as if I were any better than them, myself. I, too, had that little creature inside me that did things others didnt understand for her own reasons rooted in fear.
So when he told me that he hadn't really talked like that with anyone, Martin's words came flooding back to me. When he told me that me having been so truthful and open about my own life had made him feel at ease to open up about his.
I reread that line over and over, feeling more and more honored each time I read it. I had gone from somebody who had judged others out of fear and ignorance to somebody who people felt comfortable opening up to. o_O Whoa.
And that is the story of how the one night I'd feared had ruined my summer and an important relationship to me turned out to actually be part of what has made them so great! <3 I adore when something unexpected turns out to be something you value quite a bit!
XOXO
I've spent most of my life trying to hide certain aspects of who I really am so that I better conform to the views that people have of me. So when I woke up, realizing I had accidentally dropped the facade for a night and was completely honest about who I really am, I was sure it was the worst thing I could have possibly done.
But, as it turned out, I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only had he not judged me for any of it... But it all had actually heightened his opinion of me. o_O The conversation that followed was four hours long, and by the end of it my entire perspective on being myself was irrevocably changed.
His perspective made me see how the moments of my life I most wished had never happened were precisely the ones that inspired the best parts of who I am today. They weren't things I needed to hide from or be ashamed of... Instead they were the divine starting points or catalysts or mini battles that made me this girl whom I've been falling in love with this year. They didn't make me less of that girl - they MADE me that girl.
Suddenly all of the little moments that had seemed so dark and shameful began to appear light and sparkly. All the time I'd spent wishing I could change those moments had been silly, as those moments were divinely inserted into my life for very specific reasons. The problem was that it'd taken me 24 years to start to see the big picture and reap the rewards intrinsic in it all.
It was certainly eye opening... But it wasn't the most important epiphany from that four hour conversation. The most important one was realizing that all those hours talking with Conor and Martin had stuck.
I remember one afternoon I was laying in the sunshine on the floor of my bedroom, having class on the phone with Martin. I was in an unusually angsty mood and he called me out of it. "Why do you have to judge him like that? What would happen if you let him live his own truth? What would happen if you saw them as innocent?" These three questions nearly made my blood boil. Of course I couldn't just sit back while one of my best friends made horrible choice after horrible choice. I knew better than them and had to stop them.
Martin tried to reason with me. He tried to make me see that what's right for one person may not be right for the other person, yet I refused to listen. I knew better than them and that was that. How could I stand back and watch as these people I cared about went on ruining their own lives?! Living their "own truth" my ass...
Secretly, I wanted more than anything to be able to see them as innocent. I wanted to be there for my friends as someone that could help rather than someone who just kept yelling at them. But how?
The thing I was missing of course was the big picture. People didnt decide to do drugs because they were just stupid. People didnt decide to fail classes because they just didn't care. All of it had a deeper reason, and all of those deeper reasons were rooted in a fragile place that had been hurt too many times.
Gradually, I began to see people differently; I began to see them as little tiny creatures who had been so repeatedly knocked down and injured that the only way they could continue in one piece was to do the things I had been so harshly judging them for. And it wasn't as if I were any better than them, myself. I, too, had that little creature inside me that did things others didnt understand for her own reasons rooted in fear.
So when he told me that he hadn't really talked like that with anyone, Martin's words came flooding back to me. When he told me that me having been so truthful and open about my own life had made him feel at ease to open up about his.
I reread that line over and over, feeling more and more honored each time I read it. I had gone from somebody who had judged others out of fear and ignorance to somebody who people felt comfortable opening up to. o_O Whoa.
And that is the story of how the one night I'd feared had ruined my summer and an important relationship to me turned out to actually be part of what has made them so great! <3 I adore when something unexpected turns out to be something you value quite a bit!
XOXO
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Urbane and Sanguine
When did my life get so cool? Just a week ago I moved into my new apartment and didn't know how anything was going to work out... And now?! Mondays are classes with Ara at a new bar every week. Tuesdays and Thursdays with Pachi are spent at the pool with snacks. Wednesdays are a new restaurant every week with wine and conversation with both girls. Fridays are sitting on the patio with a sweet family and geeking out about English and playing with an adorable baby over a few drinks and tapas.
And all of this covers my rent and food.
Is this real life?!
And not only that. I suddenly have friends - and awesome, fun, amazing friends. And I am speaking Spanish. And I live with a Spanish teacher. And I have the most adorable apartment in my favorite neighborhood in Spain. And my students adore me. And I'm good at what I do... Because I'm doing it my way and holding faith in my unique way of doing things.
Alla this was just someone's idea... It could just as well have been mine. ;)
I've always wanted to live by those 14 words, but I never really knew how. What if this is the first way I do it?! What if this actually becomes a thing for me?! What if my life really becomes internationally urbane and outrageously successful, all because I was willing to do things a little differently and be true to myself rather than try to conform to the standard quo?!
XOXO
And all of this covers my rent and food.
Is this real life?!
And not only that. I suddenly have friends - and awesome, fun, amazing friends. And I am speaking Spanish. And I live with a Spanish teacher. And I have the most adorable apartment in my favorite neighborhood in Spain. And my students adore me. And I'm good at what I do... Because I'm doing it my way and holding faith in my unique way of doing things.
Alla this was just someone's idea... It could just as well have been mine. ;)
I've always wanted to live by those 14 words, but I never really knew how. What if this is the first way I do it?! What if this actually becomes a thing for me?! What if my life really becomes internationally urbane and outrageously successful, all because I was willing to do things a little differently and be true to myself rather than try to conform to the standard quo?!
XOXO
Sunday, August 11, 2013
First Malasaña Day
Oh. My. Goodness.
What an amazing first day as a resident of Madrid proper.
I'm blissed out - incredulous and yet not, because somehow, this is exactly what I was expecting... In my little optimistic, sanguine soul... This is exactly what I've been dreaming about for... Always.
Waking up to the sunshine coming into my new room from my balcony. Getting showered with my cookie scented bath gel and dressed in my summer clothes. Being able to walk to Starbucks for my Afghan Skype lesson. Wandering the streets and markets of Fuencarral. Meeting up with smiley V, who showed up 20 minutes late and gave no sign of even realizing it. Walking through Malasaña and stumbling upon the last Saturday Dosde market of the year and finding my dream wall map! V being asked to be a jewelry model while we were having sodas ad olives in the plaza. Lunching on the best burger - the "cabrita" with goat cheese and blueberry sauce - with a delicious glass of red wine with V. Taking a stroll to meet her awesomely tattooed and fashionable roomie in La Latina for a beer and good Spanish conversation with a bird flying overhead at V's request! Giggling with V and Jen while at the defuzzery.
Walking across a river I forgot even existed and getting ice cream and cooling our chest off with it! Listening to Bossa Nova in a trance, sprawled out on the couch with ice cream and fresh fruit. Meeting her Bulgarian friend and having an awesome Spanish conversation about dreams and connections and serendipity... I feeling that rare, amazing feeling you get when you realize there are other people who think like you do and believe the same crazy things you do! Taking a walk along the river at night and telling them about Conor and the Orange Soda - my first time ever talking about something so personal so effortlessly in a foreign language! Having dinner and being enraptured by V's funny stories. Getting home to find out I have my new apartment to myself for the weekend, andusing this opportunity to play my music and decorate my room and write until 3 am with my balcony doors open and a gentle breeze coming through. <3
Today has been surreal. Absolutely surreal. And I couldn't be more grateful!
XOXO
What an amazing first day as a resident of Madrid proper.
I'm blissed out - incredulous and yet not, because somehow, this is exactly what I was expecting... In my little optimistic, sanguine soul... This is exactly what I've been dreaming about for... Always.
Waking up to the sunshine coming into my new room from my balcony. Getting showered with my cookie scented bath gel and dressed in my summer clothes. Being able to walk to Starbucks for my Afghan Skype lesson. Wandering the streets and markets of Fuencarral. Meeting up with smiley V, who showed up 20 minutes late and gave no sign of even realizing it. Walking through Malasaña and stumbling upon the last Saturday Dosde market of the year and finding my dream wall map! V being asked to be a jewelry model while we were having sodas ad olives in the plaza. Lunching on the best burger - the "cabrita" with goat cheese and blueberry sauce - with a delicious glass of red wine with V. Taking a stroll to meet her awesomely tattooed and fashionable roomie in La Latina for a beer and good Spanish conversation with a bird flying overhead at V's request! Giggling with V and Jen while at the defuzzery.
Walking across a river I forgot even existed and getting ice cream and cooling our chest off with it! Listening to Bossa Nova in a trance, sprawled out on the couch with ice cream and fresh fruit. Meeting her Bulgarian friend and having an awesome Spanish conversation about dreams and connections and serendipity... I feeling that rare, amazing feeling you get when you realize there are other people who think like you do and believe the same crazy things you do! Taking a walk along the river at night and telling them about Conor and the Orange Soda - my first time ever talking about something so personal so effortlessly in a foreign language! Having dinner and being enraptured by V's funny stories. Getting home to find out I have my new apartment to myself for the weekend, andusing this opportunity to play my music and decorate my room and write until 3 am with my balcony doors open and a gentle breeze coming through. <3
Today has been surreal. Absolutely surreal. And I couldn't be more grateful!
XOXO
End of the week reflection
I found a Pinterest quote that says something like, "I don't have time to worry about the people who don't like me because I'm too busy loving all of the people who love me." It was one of those rare quotes that made me stop in my tracks and think to myself, "Whoa. My life would be sooooo different if I thought like this."
It wasn't until I read the quote that I realized how much of my average day I consumed with thoughts about people who I think don't like me! Holy crap what a waste. >_< But it's definitely not like I'm the only one - not by far. It seems to be a human obsession to worry about being unliked. I think its at its worst in middle school or high school and then you grow out of it a little by little, but I don't think it ever fully goes away. The teachers' room was a perfect example of this: teachers would often say, "I'm sure he's just sitting there laughing at me when I turn my back." They would say this about their students who were not getting good grades - as if their low marks were due only to the fact they had a personal vendetta against their teachers. >_< Wow. That's taking conceited to a whole new level...
Anyway, this week I've tried living by the quote's wisdom, and it's definitely been interesting to witness how much different it makes me feel. Instead of feeling obliged to be around people who made me feel less than stellar about myself, I chose to be around only those who really radiated genuine happiness to be around me.
Suddenly I wasn't worrying why my roomies were discluding me and what an awful person I must be for them to do such a thing. Suddenly I wasn't obsessing about the teachers at school who always half glared at me and blatantly ignored me with a grimace on their faces. Nope, I wasn't thinking about any of that this week.
Instead, I was using my free time at school to play on the play ground with my kids or have silly conversations with my Bachis. Instead of being home, I was busy with other people who authentically enjoy my company. Instead of thinking there must really be some awful flaws in me, I began seeing myself as a really fun and lovable person.
Rather than continuing to feel upset, hurt and mad at the people whose actions had been making me feel so low, I started feeling excited just to be me and feel at ease that the people who didn't value me for me simply weren't on my wavelength and was thankful they treated me in such a way as to release me and make me discover new people and new aspects about myself.
It's certainly proven to be true for me that what you think about a lot you perpetuate. It makes sense. But it's sometimes not until you really break free of a certain way of thinking that you realize how you were perpetuating your own unhappiness.
I think, for the most part, I was happy this past year. But everywhere I turned, I always had that feeling deep inside that there was just something intrinsically unlike able about me, and there was nothing I could do about it...
When I began packing up and getting ready for Vero to come help me move this evening, Abby suddenly asked me what was up. I was taken aback by this, as I'd figured she'd finally found this little hateable part inside of me and that's why she hadn't really spoken to me or showed any interest in me or invited me along on her weekend journeys with the other girls. It was really hurtful, but I'd tried my best to ignore it.
So when she asked why I was upset at her for the past month, I had no idea what to say. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. At all. She said I had gone missing for the month - just like I would complain J and B would do at times - and that I would only talk to her when I needed something. And she seemed genuinely upset about it. When I explained how I felt, she said I couldn't just assume people hated me for no reason and then do nothing about it and go missing and avoid it.
There was no resolution to any of it, just silence, which was the worst part of the whole thing. After considering her to be my closest friend for the past year and leave things like this... It just feels so sad. And I have no idea how to solve it. I guess we both felt ignored and hurt... But neither of us are completely willing to take all the responsibility for the huge miscommunication? I don't know... :-/
It was nice, then, to have Vero come help me move and complain about the management at our school til the point that I almost peed my pants. She'd just been fired that evening and was particularly hilarious because of it!
After a day that had started stressfully at 7 am to get my lost visa documents in order and run to the city to turn them all in and hope I'd gotten everything right, a smoothie stop with two guys from my program, all the Abby drama and then moving... I was so happy when the door shut and I was blissfully alone in my new apartment to just unwind. It was crazy weird to fall asleep utterly alone... I haven't been all alone in a place since my last apartment in Madison! And not having Abby a few feet away from me, even if we hadn't been on such great terms the past month, felt so... Lonely. It was tricky to fall asleep, but when I finally did, nothing could wake me!
XOXO
It wasn't until I read the quote that I realized how much of my average day I consumed with thoughts about people who I think don't like me! Holy crap what a waste. >_< But it's definitely not like I'm the only one - not by far. It seems to be a human obsession to worry about being unliked. I think its at its worst in middle school or high school and then you grow out of it a little by little, but I don't think it ever fully goes away. The teachers' room was a perfect example of this: teachers would often say, "I'm sure he's just sitting there laughing at me when I turn my back." They would say this about their students who were not getting good grades - as if their low marks were due only to the fact they had a personal vendetta against their teachers. >_< Wow. That's taking conceited to a whole new level...
Anyway, this week I've tried living by the quote's wisdom, and it's definitely been interesting to witness how much different it makes me feel. Instead of feeling obliged to be around people who made me feel less than stellar about myself, I chose to be around only those who really radiated genuine happiness to be around me.
Suddenly I wasn't worrying why my roomies were discluding me and what an awful person I must be for them to do such a thing. Suddenly I wasn't obsessing about the teachers at school who always half glared at me and blatantly ignored me with a grimace on their faces. Nope, I wasn't thinking about any of that this week.
Instead, I was using my free time at school to play on the play ground with my kids or have silly conversations with my Bachis. Instead of being home, I was busy with other people who authentically enjoy my company. Instead of thinking there must really be some awful flaws in me, I began seeing myself as a really fun and lovable person.
Rather than continuing to feel upset, hurt and mad at the people whose actions had been making me feel so low, I started feeling excited just to be me and feel at ease that the people who didn't value me for me simply weren't on my wavelength and was thankful they treated me in such a way as to release me and make me discover new people and new aspects about myself.
It's certainly proven to be true for me that what you think about a lot you perpetuate. It makes sense. But it's sometimes not until you really break free of a certain way of thinking that you realize how you were perpetuating your own unhappiness.
I think, for the most part, I was happy this past year. But everywhere I turned, I always had that feeling deep inside that there was just something intrinsically unlike able about me, and there was nothing I could do about it...
When I began packing up and getting ready for Vero to come help me move this evening, Abby suddenly asked me what was up. I was taken aback by this, as I'd figured she'd finally found this little hateable part inside of me and that's why she hadn't really spoken to me or showed any interest in me or invited me along on her weekend journeys with the other girls. It was really hurtful, but I'd tried my best to ignore it.
So when she asked why I was upset at her for the past month, I had no idea what to say. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. At all. She said I had gone missing for the month - just like I would complain J and B would do at times - and that I would only talk to her when I needed something. And she seemed genuinely upset about it. When I explained how I felt, she said I couldn't just assume people hated me for no reason and then do nothing about it and go missing and avoid it.
There was no resolution to any of it, just silence, which was the worst part of the whole thing. After considering her to be my closest friend for the past year and leave things like this... It just feels so sad. And I have no idea how to solve it. I guess we both felt ignored and hurt... But neither of us are completely willing to take all the responsibility for the huge miscommunication? I don't know... :-/
It was nice, then, to have Vero come help me move and complain about the management at our school til the point that I almost peed my pants. She'd just been fired that evening and was particularly hilarious because of it!
After a day that had started stressfully at 7 am to get my lost visa documents in order and run to the city to turn them all in and hope I'd gotten everything right, a smoothie stop with two guys from my program, all the Abby drama and then moving... I was so happy when the door shut and I was blissfully alone in my new apartment to just unwind. It was crazy weird to fall asleep utterly alone... I haven't been all alone in a place since my last apartment in Madison! And not having Abby a few feet away from me, even if we hadn't been on such great terms the past month, felt so... Lonely. It was tricky to fall asleep, but when I finally did, nothing could wake me!
XOXO
Day 295: Last Day of School <3
Today was probably one of the best days of my life. <3 I've never felt so much love in one day. Ever. And not just loved... But loved for EXACTLY who I am and everything that makes me unique.
I remember at the beginning of the year the shooting happened at the elementary school in America. At the time I said I didn't understand how those teachers could just throw themselves in front of their students knowing the very likely could die trying to save them.
But that was nine months ago. Today? I would do absolutely anything for even just one of them. I love and adore the crap out my kids!! Suddenly all those late night car ride conversations with my mom made sense today. She always told me there was a reason I was learning so many difficult and painful lessons so early in life... And now I see the wisdom in that.
I had the most amazing day watching the festival, and then just hanging out with my kids and talking, giggling and taking pictures with them! <3 It sounds so simple, but the love with which each one spoke to me, knowing that it might be our last day ever seeing each other after such a wonderful year... It was something I had never experienced before.
The sweetest and most heart wrenching part of the day was definitely the last five minutes of the school day when I had to say goodbye to my favorite 3rd graders. :( Lucy, Sophie and Alberto all started to cry a little bit, and I had to hug them really tight and run out of the room before they saw me start to cry, too. <3
I can honestly say I've never felt so loved by so many souls as I felt today. Today was a changing point in my self perception. Never again will I be able to feel utterly worthless or like I'm not doing my tiny part to make the world a better place. These 250 little souls made me realize that I am important and I can be utterly loved and adored just for who I am. <3
A life lesson 24 years in the making, but suddenly today all those moments filled with pain or struggle or confusion made perfect sense. Every bit of my life had been leading me up to today, and I wouldn't have changed a single thing.
So loved. So grateful.
XOXO
I remember at the beginning of the year the shooting happened at the elementary school in America. At the time I said I didn't understand how those teachers could just throw themselves in front of their students knowing the very likely could die trying to save them.
But that was nine months ago. Today? I would do absolutely anything for even just one of them. I love and adore the crap out my kids!! Suddenly all those late night car ride conversations with my mom made sense today. She always told me there was a reason I was learning so many difficult and painful lessons so early in life... And now I see the wisdom in that.
I had the most amazing day watching the festival, and then just hanging out with my kids and talking, giggling and taking pictures with them! <3 It sounds so simple, but the love with which each one spoke to me, knowing that it might be our last day ever seeing each other after such a wonderful year... It was something I had never experienced before.
The sweetest and most heart wrenching part of the day was definitely the last five minutes of the school day when I had to say goodbye to my favorite 3rd graders. :( Lucy, Sophie and Alberto all started to cry a little bit, and I had to hug them really tight and run out of the room before they saw me start to cry, too. <3
I can honestly say I've never felt so loved by so many souls as I felt today. Today was a changing point in my self perception. Never again will I be able to feel utterly worthless or like I'm not doing my tiny part to make the world a better place. These 250 little souls made me realize that I am important and I can be utterly loved and adored just for who I am. <3
A life lesson 24 years in the making, but suddenly today all those moments filled with pain or struggle or confusion made perfect sense. Every bit of my life had been leading me up to today, and I wouldn't have changed a single thing.
So loved. So grateful.
XOXO
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