Five weeks ago I had no idea where I was going to live this summer, nor how I was going to make enough money to get by. All of my "friends" were about to move back to the US and my life as I'd come to know it was officially coming to a close without any plan for the coming three months whatsoever.
I was stressed. Not overly so, just appropriately shaken, standing at the ledge and having no idea what would be there when I jumped. But I knew there would be something. Uncertainty means anything is possible, and if there's one thing Pinterest has taught me, it's that perspective is everything and you send just as much energy worrying as you could use in creating the right vibrations and energy to prepare yourself for something great.
I took the month of July off from blogging. I was tired. I didn't know if I'd have much to write about. I just needed a break. And I'm very grateful I allowed myself that break without feeling even the slightest tinge of guilt. But! I'm rested and ready to go again. I adore my blog and having a place I can mentally, emotionally and spiritually escape to each night to digest and reflect upon my day.
So how was July? July was good. I got to live in the most adorable boho apartment in my favorite neighborhood in the whole world, Malasaña! I got to wake up each morning with sunshine pouring through my own personal balcony. I could walk out my front door and be in the center of Madrid in seconds! But what really made living there so great was David! :)
XOXO
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Truth.
The next 48 hours were spent drowning in an bottomless dirty puddle of self-doubt and self-judgement. I'd gone so long without having to write one of those, "I effed up... BIG time..." emails to my best friend, that each word that I typed made me sink lower and lower. I was sure I'd taken everything I'd so carefully constructed over the past year and smashed it into a million little pieces in one night. And it just felt so typical of me that I wanted to cry.
I've spent most of my life trying to hide certain aspects of who I really am so that I better conform to the views that people have of me. So when I woke up, realizing I had accidentally dropped the facade for a night and was completely honest about who I really am, I was sure it was the worst thing I could have possibly done.
But, as it turned out, I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only had he not judged me for any of it... But it all had actually heightened his opinion of me. o_O The conversation that followed was four hours long, and by the end of it my entire perspective on being myself was irrevocably changed.
His perspective made me see how the moments of my life I most wished had never happened were precisely the ones that inspired the best parts of who I am today. They weren't things I needed to hide from or be ashamed of... Instead they were the divine starting points or catalysts or mini battles that made me this girl whom I've been falling in love with this year. They didn't make me less of that girl - they MADE me that girl.
Suddenly all of the little moments that had seemed so dark and shameful began to appear light and sparkly. All the time I'd spent wishing I could change those moments had been silly, as those moments were divinely inserted into my life for very specific reasons. The problem was that it'd taken me 24 years to start to see the big picture and reap the rewards intrinsic in it all.
It was certainly eye opening... But it wasn't the most important epiphany from that four hour conversation. The most important one was realizing that all those hours talking with Conor and Martin had stuck.
I remember one afternoon I was laying in the sunshine on the floor of my bedroom, having class on the phone with Martin. I was in an unusually angsty mood and he called me out of it. "Why do you have to judge him like that? What would happen if you let him live his own truth? What would happen if you saw them as innocent?" These three questions nearly made my blood boil. Of course I couldn't just sit back while one of my best friends made horrible choice after horrible choice. I knew better than them and had to stop them.
Martin tried to reason with me. He tried to make me see that what's right for one person may not be right for the other person, yet I refused to listen. I knew better than them and that was that. How could I stand back and watch as these people I cared about went on ruining their own lives?! Living their "own truth" my ass...
Secretly, I wanted more than anything to be able to see them as innocent. I wanted to be there for my friends as someone that could help rather than someone who just kept yelling at them. But how?
The thing I was missing of course was the big picture. People didnt decide to do drugs because they were just stupid. People didnt decide to fail classes because they just didn't care. All of it had a deeper reason, and all of those deeper reasons were rooted in a fragile place that had been hurt too many times.
Gradually, I began to see people differently; I began to see them as little tiny creatures who had been so repeatedly knocked down and injured that the only way they could continue in one piece was to do the things I had been so harshly judging them for. And it wasn't as if I were any better than them, myself. I, too, had that little creature inside me that did things others didnt understand for her own reasons rooted in fear.
So when he told me that he hadn't really talked like that with anyone, Martin's words came flooding back to me. When he told me that me having been so truthful and open about my own life had made him feel at ease to open up about his.
I reread that line over and over, feeling more and more honored each time I read it. I had gone from somebody who had judged others out of fear and ignorance to somebody who people felt comfortable opening up to. o_O Whoa.
And that is the story of how the one night I'd feared had ruined my summer and an important relationship to me turned out to actually be part of what has made them so great! <3 I adore when something unexpected turns out to be something you value quite a bit!
XOXO
I've spent most of my life trying to hide certain aspects of who I really am so that I better conform to the views that people have of me. So when I woke up, realizing I had accidentally dropped the facade for a night and was completely honest about who I really am, I was sure it was the worst thing I could have possibly done.
But, as it turned out, I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only had he not judged me for any of it... But it all had actually heightened his opinion of me. o_O The conversation that followed was four hours long, and by the end of it my entire perspective on being myself was irrevocably changed.
His perspective made me see how the moments of my life I most wished had never happened were precisely the ones that inspired the best parts of who I am today. They weren't things I needed to hide from or be ashamed of... Instead they were the divine starting points or catalysts or mini battles that made me this girl whom I've been falling in love with this year. They didn't make me less of that girl - they MADE me that girl.
Suddenly all of the little moments that had seemed so dark and shameful began to appear light and sparkly. All the time I'd spent wishing I could change those moments had been silly, as those moments were divinely inserted into my life for very specific reasons. The problem was that it'd taken me 24 years to start to see the big picture and reap the rewards intrinsic in it all.
It was certainly eye opening... But it wasn't the most important epiphany from that four hour conversation. The most important one was realizing that all those hours talking with Conor and Martin had stuck.
I remember one afternoon I was laying in the sunshine on the floor of my bedroom, having class on the phone with Martin. I was in an unusually angsty mood and he called me out of it. "Why do you have to judge him like that? What would happen if you let him live his own truth? What would happen if you saw them as innocent?" These three questions nearly made my blood boil. Of course I couldn't just sit back while one of my best friends made horrible choice after horrible choice. I knew better than them and had to stop them.
Martin tried to reason with me. He tried to make me see that what's right for one person may not be right for the other person, yet I refused to listen. I knew better than them and that was that. How could I stand back and watch as these people I cared about went on ruining their own lives?! Living their "own truth" my ass...
Secretly, I wanted more than anything to be able to see them as innocent. I wanted to be there for my friends as someone that could help rather than someone who just kept yelling at them. But how?
The thing I was missing of course was the big picture. People didnt decide to do drugs because they were just stupid. People didnt decide to fail classes because they just didn't care. All of it had a deeper reason, and all of those deeper reasons were rooted in a fragile place that had been hurt too many times.
Gradually, I began to see people differently; I began to see them as little tiny creatures who had been so repeatedly knocked down and injured that the only way they could continue in one piece was to do the things I had been so harshly judging them for. And it wasn't as if I were any better than them, myself. I, too, had that little creature inside me that did things others didnt understand for her own reasons rooted in fear.
So when he told me that he hadn't really talked like that with anyone, Martin's words came flooding back to me. When he told me that me having been so truthful and open about my own life had made him feel at ease to open up about his.
I reread that line over and over, feeling more and more honored each time I read it. I had gone from somebody who had judged others out of fear and ignorance to somebody who people felt comfortable opening up to. o_O Whoa.
And that is the story of how the one night I'd feared had ruined my summer and an important relationship to me turned out to actually be part of what has made them so great! <3 I adore when something unexpected turns out to be something you value quite a bit!
XOXO
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Urbane and Sanguine
When did my life get so cool? Just a week ago I moved into my new apartment and didn't know how anything was going to work out... And now?! Mondays are classes with Ara at a new bar every week. Tuesdays and Thursdays with Pachi are spent at the pool with snacks. Wednesdays are a new restaurant every week with wine and conversation with both girls. Fridays are sitting on the patio with a sweet family and geeking out about English and playing with an adorable baby over a few drinks and tapas.
And all of this covers my rent and food.
Is this real life?!
And not only that. I suddenly have friends - and awesome, fun, amazing friends. And I am speaking Spanish. And I live with a Spanish teacher. And I have the most adorable apartment in my favorite neighborhood in Spain. And my students adore me. And I'm good at what I do... Because I'm doing it my way and holding faith in my unique way of doing things.
Alla this was just someone's idea... It could just as well have been mine. ;)
I've always wanted to live by those 14 words, but I never really knew how. What if this is the first way I do it?! What if this actually becomes a thing for me?! What if my life really becomes internationally urbane and outrageously successful, all because I was willing to do things a little differently and be true to myself rather than try to conform to the standard quo?!
XOXO
And all of this covers my rent and food.
Is this real life?!
And not only that. I suddenly have friends - and awesome, fun, amazing friends. And I am speaking Spanish. And I live with a Spanish teacher. And I have the most adorable apartment in my favorite neighborhood in Spain. And my students adore me. And I'm good at what I do... Because I'm doing it my way and holding faith in my unique way of doing things.
Alla this was just someone's idea... It could just as well have been mine. ;)
I've always wanted to live by those 14 words, but I never really knew how. What if this is the first way I do it?! What if this actually becomes a thing for me?! What if my life really becomes internationally urbane and outrageously successful, all because I was willing to do things a little differently and be true to myself rather than try to conform to the standard quo?!
XOXO
Sunday, August 11, 2013
First Malasaña Day
Oh. My. Goodness.
What an amazing first day as a resident of Madrid proper.
I'm blissed out - incredulous and yet not, because somehow, this is exactly what I was expecting... In my little optimistic, sanguine soul... This is exactly what I've been dreaming about for... Always.
Waking up to the sunshine coming into my new room from my balcony. Getting showered with my cookie scented bath gel and dressed in my summer clothes. Being able to walk to Starbucks for my Afghan Skype lesson. Wandering the streets and markets of Fuencarral. Meeting up with smiley V, who showed up 20 minutes late and gave no sign of even realizing it. Walking through Malasaña and stumbling upon the last Saturday Dosde market of the year and finding my dream wall map! V being asked to be a jewelry model while we were having sodas ad olives in the plaza. Lunching on the best burger - the "cabrita" with goat cheese and blueberry sauce - with a delicious glass of red wine with V. Taking a stroll to meet her awesomely tattooed and fashionable roomie in La Latina for a beer and good Spanish conversation with a bird flying overhead at V's request! Giggling with V and Jen while at the defuzzery.
Walking across a river I forgot even existed and getting ice cream and cooling our chest off with it! Listening to Bossa Nova in a trance, sprawled out on the couch with ice cream and fresh fruit. Meeting her Bulgarian friend and having an awesome Spanish conversation about dreams and connections and serendipity... I feeling that rare, amazing feeling you get when you realize there are other people who think like you do and believe the same crazy things you do! Taking a walk along the river at night and telling them about Conor and the Orange Soda - my first time ever talking about something so personal so effortlessly in a foreign language! Having dinner and being enraptured by V's funny stories. Getting home to find out I have my new apartment to myself for the weekend, andusing this opportunity to play my music and decorate my room and write until 3 am with my balcony doors open and a gentle breeze coming through. <3
Today has been surreal. Absolutely surreal. And I couldn't be more grateful!
XOXO
What an amazing first day as a resident of Madrid proper.
I'm blissed out - incredulous and yet not, because somehow, this is exactly what I was expecting... In my little optimistic, sanguine soul... This is exactly what I've been dreaming about for... Always.
Waking up to the sunshine coming into my new room from my balcony. Getting showered with my cookie scented bath gel and dressed in my summer clothes. Being able to walk to Starbucks for my Afghan Skype lesson. Wandering the streets and markets of Fuencarral. Meeting up with smiley V, who showed up 20 minutes late and gave no sign of even realizing it. Walking through Malasaña and stumbling upon the last Saturday Dosde market of the year and finding my dream wall map! V being asked to be a jewelry model while we were having sodas ad olives in the plaza. Lunching on the best burger - the "cabrita" with goat cheese and blueberry sauce - with a delicious glass of red wine with V. Taking a stroll to meet her awesomely tattooed and fashionable roomie in La Latina for a beer and good Spanish conversation with a bird flying overhead at V's request! Giggling with V and Jen while at the defuzzery.
Walking across a river I forgot even existed and getting ice cream and cooling our chest off with it! Listening to Bossa Nova in a trance, sprawled out on the couch with ice cream and fresh fruit. Meeting her Bulgarian friend and having an awesome Spanish conversation about dreams and connections and serendipity... I feeling that rare, amazing feeling you get when you realize there are other people who think like you do and believe the same crazy things you do! Taking a walk along the river at night and telling them about Conor and the Orange Soda - my first time ever talking about something so personal so effortlessly in a foreign language! Having dinner and being enraptured by V's funny stories. Getting home to find out I have my new apartment to myself for the weekend, andusing this opportunity to play my music and decorate my room and write until 3 am with my balcony doors open and a gentle breeze coming through. <3
Today has been surreal. Absolutely surreal. And I couldn't be more grateful!
XOXO
End of the week reflection
I found a Pinterest quote that says something like, "I don't have time to worry about the people who don't like me because I'm too busy loving all of the people who love me." It was one of those rare quotes that made me stop in my tracks and think to myself, "Whoa. My life would be sooooo different if I thought like this."
It wasn't until I read the quote that I realized how much of my average day I consumed with thoughts about people who I think don't like me! Holy crap what a waste. >_< But it's definitely not like I'm the only one - not by far. It seems to be a human obsession to worry about being unliked. I think its at its worst in middle school or high school and then you grow out of it a little by little, but I don't think it ever fully goes away. The teachers' room was a perfect example of this: teachers would often say, "I'm sure he's just sitting there laughing at me when I turn my back." They would say this about their students who were not getting good grades - as if their low marks were due only to the fact they had a personal vendetta against their teachers. >_< Wow. That's taking conceited to a whole new level...
Anyway, this week I've tried living by the quote's wisdom, and it's definitely been interesting to witness how much different it makes me feel. Instead of feeling obliged to be around people who made me feel less than stellar about myself, I chose to be around only those who really radiated genuine happiness to be around me.
Suddenly I wasn't worrying why my roomies were discluding me and what an awful person I must be for them to do such a thing. Suddenly I wasn't obsessing about the teachers at school who always half glared at me and blatantly ignored me with a grimace on their faces. Nope, I wasn't thinking about any of that this week.
Instead, I was using my free time at school to play on the play ground with my kids or have silly conversations with my Bachis. Instead of being home, I was busy with other people who authentically enjoy my company. Instead of thinking there must really be some awful flaws in me, I began seeing myself as a really fun and lovable person.
Rather than continuing to feel upset, hurt and mad at the people whose actions had been making me feel so low, I started feeling excited just to be me and feel at ease that the people who didn't value me for me simply weren't on my wavelength and was thankful they treated me in such a way as to release me and make me discover new people and new aspects about myself.
It's certainly proven to be true for me that what you think about a lot you perpetuate. It makes sense. But it's sometimes not until you really break free of a certain way of thinking that you realize how you were perpetuating your own unhappiness.
I think, for the most part, I was happy this past year. But everywhere I turned, I always had that feeling deep inside that there was just something intrinsically unlike able about me, and there was nothing I could do about it...
When I began packing up and getting ready for Vero to come help me move this evening, Abby suddenly asked me what was up. I was taken aback by this, as I'd figured she'd finally found this little hateable part inside of me and that's why she hadn't really spoken to me or showed any interest in me or invited me along on her weekend journeys with the other girls. It was really hurtful, but I'd tried my best to ignore it.
So when she asked why I was upset at her for the past month, I had no idea what to say. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. At all. She said I had gone missing for the month - just like I would complain J and B would do at times - and that I would only talk to her when I needed something. And she seemed genuinely upset about it. When I explained how I felt, she said I couldn't just assume people hated me for no reason and then do nothing about it and go missing and avoid it.
There was no resolution to any of it, just silence, which was the worst part of the whole thing. After considering her to be my closest friend for the past year and leave things like this... It just feels so sad. And I have no idea how to solve it. I guess we both felt ignored and hurt... But neither of us are completely willing to take all the responsibility for the huge miscommunication? I don't know... :-/
It was nice, then, to have Vero come help me move and complain about the management at our school til the point that I almost peed my pants. She'd just been fired that evening and was particularly hilarious because of it!
After a day that had started stressfully at 7 am to get my lost visa documents in order and run to the city to turn them all in and hope I'd gotten everything right, a smoothie stop with two guys from my program, all the Abby drama and then moving... I was so happy when the door shut and I was blissfully alone in my new apartment to just unwind. It was crazy weird to fall asleep utterly alone... I haven't been all alone in a place since my last apartment in Madison! And not having Abby a few feet away from me, even if we hadn't been on such great terms the past month, felt so... Lonely. It was tricky to fall asleep, but when I finally did, nothing could wake me!
XOXO
It wasn't until I read the quote that I realized how much of my average day I consumed with thoughts about people who I think don't like me! Holy crap what a waste. >_< But it's definitely not like I'm the only one - not by far. It seems to be a human obsession to worry about being unliked. I think its at its worst in middle school or high school and then you grow out of it a little by little, but I don't think it ever fully goes away. The teachers' room was a perfect example of this: teachers would often say, "I'm sure he's just sitting there laughing at me when I turn my back." They would say this about their students who were not getting good grades - as if their low marks were due only to the fact they had a personal vendetta against their teachers. >_< Wow. That's taking conceited to a whole new level...
Anyway, this week I've tried living by the quote's wisdom, and it's definitely been interesting to witness how much different it makes me feel. Instead of feeling obliged to be around people who made me feel less than stellar about myself, I chose to be around only those who really radiated genuine happiness to be around me.
Suddenly I wasn't worrying why my roomies were discluding me and what an awful person I must be for them to do such a thing. Suddenly I wasn't obsessing about the teachers at school who always half glared at me and blatantly ignored me with a grimace on their faces. Nope, I wasn't thinking about any of that this week.
Instead, I was using my free time at school to play on the play ground with my kids or have silly conversations with my Bachis. Instead of being home, I was busy with other people who authentically enjoy my company. Instead of thinking there must really be some awful flaws in me, I began seeing myself as a really fun and lovable person.
Rather than continuing to feel upset, hurt and mad at the people whose actions had been making me feel so low, I started feeling excited just to be me and feel at ease that the people who didn't value me for me simply weren't on my wavelength and was thankful they treated me in such a way as to release me and make me discover new people and new aspects about myself.
It's certainly proven to be true for me that what you think about a lot you perpetuate. It makes sense. But it's sometimes not until you really break free of a certain way of thinking that you realize how you were perpetuating your own unhappiness.
I think, for the most part, I was happy this past year. But everywhere I turned, I always had that feeling deep inside that there was just something intrinsically unlike able about me, and there was nothing I could do about it...
When I began packing up and getting ready for Vero to come help me move this evening, Abby suddenly asked me what was up. I was taken aback by this, as I'd figured she'd finally found this little hateable part inside of me and that's why she hadn't really spoken to me or showed any interest in me or invited me along on her weekend journeys with the other girls. It was really hurtful, but I'd tried my best to ignore it.
So when she asked why I was upset at her for the past month, I had no idea what to say. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong. At all. She said I had gone missing for the month - just like I would complain J and B would do at times - and that I would only talk to her when I needed something. And she seemed genuinely upset about it. When I explained how I felt, she said I couldn't just assume people hated me for no reason and then do nothing about it and go missing and avoid it.
There was no resolution to any of it, just silence, which was the worst part of the whole thing. After considering her to be my closest friend for the past year and leave things like this... It just feels so sad. And I have no idea how to solve it. I guess we both felt ignored and hurt... But neither of us are completely willing to take all the responsibility for the huge miscommunication? I don't know... :-/
It was nice, then, to have Vero come help me move and complain about the management at our school til the point that I almost peed my pants. She'd just been fired that evening and was particularly hilarious because of it!
After a day that had started stressfully at 7 am to get my lost visa documents in order and run to the city to turn them all in and hope I'd gotten everything right, a smoothie stop with two guys from my program, all the Abby drama and then moving... I was so happy when the door shut and I was blissfully alone in my new apartment to just unwind. It was crazy weird to fall asleep utterly alone... I haven't been all alone in a place since my last apartment in Madison! And not having Abby a few feet away from me, even if we hadn't been on such great terms the past month, felt so... Lonely. It was tricky to fall asleep, but when I finally did, nothing could wake me!
XOXO
Day 295: Last Day of School <3
Today was probably one of the best days of my life. <3 I've never felt so much love in one day. Ever. And not just loved... But loved for EXACTLY who I am and everything that makes me unique.
I remember at the beginning of the year the shooting happened at the elementary school in America. At the time I said I didn't understand how those teachers could just throw themselves in front of their students knowing the very likely could die trying to save them.
But that was nine months ago. Today? I would do absolutely anything for even just one of them. I love and adore the crap out my kids!! Suddenly all those late night car ride conversations with my mom made sense today. She always told me there was a reason I was learning so many difficult and painful lessons so early in life... And now I see the wisdom in that.
I had the most amazing day watching the festival, and then just hanging out with my kids and talking, giggling and taking pictures with them! <3 It sounds so simple, but the love with which each one spoke to me, knowing that it might be our last day ever seeing each other after such a wonderful year... It was something I had never experienced before.
The sweetest and most heart wrenching part of the day was definitely the last five minutes of the school day when I had to say goodbye to my favorite 3rd graders. :( Lucy, Sophie and Alberto all started to cry a little bit, and I had to hug them really tight and run out of the room before they saw me start to cry, too. <3
I can honestly say I've never felt so loved by so many souls as I felt today. Today was a changing point in my self perception. Never again will I be able to feel utterly worthless or like I'm not doing my tiny part to make the world a better place. These 250 little souls made me realize that I am important and I can be utterly loved and adored just for who I am. <3
A life lesson 24 years in the making, but suddenly today all those moments filled with pain or struggle or confusion made perfect sense. Every bit of my life had been leading me up to today, and I wouldn't have changed a single thing.
So loved. So grateful.
XOXO
I remember at the beginning of the year the shooting happened at the elementary school in America. At the time I said I didn't understand how those teachers could just throw themselves in front of their students knowing the very likely could die trying to save them.
But that was nine months ago. Today? I would do absolutely anything for even just one of them. I love and adore the crap out my kids!! Suddenly all those late night car ride conversations with my mom made sense today. She always told me there was a reason I was learning so many difficult and painful lessons so early in life... And now I see the wisdom in that.
I had the most amazing day watching the festival, and then just hanging out with my kids and talking, giggling and taking pictures with them! <3 It sounds so simple, but the love with which each one spoke to me, knowing that it might be our last day ever seeing each other after such a wonderful year... It was something I had never experienced before.
The sweetest and most heart wrenching part of the day was definitely the last five minutes of the school day when I had to say goodbye to my favorite 3rd graders. :( Lucy, Sophie and Alberto all started to cry a little bit, and I had to hug them really tight and run out of the room before they saw me start to cry, too. <3
I can honestly say I've never felt so loved by so many souls as I felt today. Today was a changing point in my self perception. Never again will I be able to feel utterly worthless or like I'm not doing my tiny part to make the world a better place. These 250 little souls made me realize that I am important and I can be utterly loved and adored just for who I am. <3
A life lesson 24 years in the making, but suddenly today all those moments filled with pain or struggle or confusion made perfect sense. Every bit of my life had been leading me up to today, and I wouldn't have changed a single thing.
So loved. So grateful.
XOXO
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Day 294: More Rehearsal
Today was the final rehearsal for the West Side Story/Festival! Spending this last week working on this with Laura and the kids has been the best possible way I could have wrapped up my time here at this school after such a wonderful experience. ^_^ Rehearsals have been so much fun and it's been cool to feel like I'm partly in charge of a big production for them and their families.
XOXO
XOXO
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