Saturday, December 8, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
Day 92: Awesome Teaching Day
I'm not sure why some days I'm just really great at teaching, and others I wonder what the heck I'm doing in a classroom on this end of things. Today, happily, was one of the former days.
In first period we watched half of Forest Gump (awesome). Second period was my usual "wing it" class with the 2nd graders (Awesome Teacher saved the day by deciding we should make Christmas posters). Third period was the DREADED AWFUL class of the week, which continued to be awful because the Scream-o teacher continued her crazy screaming and nothing got accomplished once again.
But after lunch, it was my turn to have that class on my own... and so I welcomed the challenge. ;)
My way of thinking is so strange.
As they came in the room I wrote their "Penalty Minutes" in a box on the board. They were shocked to see they were up to 15 (don't know why they were shocked - I'm shocked it's so low). I reminded them they only had two weeks of class before the party, so this wasn't so great for them. One clever girl then asked if there was any way they could win minutes back. I thought about it for a second, while I watched kids tell her of course I'd never do that (they can clearly tell I'm not very fond of them), but then I responded, "Well, sure. If I don't have to put ONE minute on the board today, I'll give you five minutes back. But one wasted minute and it's all over."
They were incredulous and quickly agreed to my terms.
I wish the principal would have walked by that class as I was teaching it, because I swear that horror class has never been so well behaved and quiet and hardworking in their whole academic career. For. Real.
So I gave 'em their five minutes and they were so estatic that they couldn't for the life of them line up silentely at the door. So I told them as soon as they could be in silence and stand still for 30 seconds, they could run off to their favorite class - gym. It only took me eight tries to be able to fully count to 30 without interuptions. Brother.
Still, an overall win for me, I'd say. ;) I just had to start approaching the blackboard and they'd all fall absolutely silent. It was truly amazing. Haha!!
After so much success I was ready for anything, which was good, 'cause when I walked into class with my 4th graders, I was told I would be leading the class by reviewing for their test on Tuesday.
Oh goodie, little kids' English marks on the line. Wonderful.
We started with "has got" "have got" and "had got" ... and I was supposed to make sure they knew when to use which when. So I wrote them on the board in a funny triangular way.
"Are we supposed to copy it like THAT?" they all asked, clearly bewildered at a teacher writing something not on the lines.
"Um, yeah, please."
I then proceeded to draw a cute little "she" and a handsome little "he" on the board, along with a cupcake with the word "it" on the wrapper. I put them under the "has got" heading. After I was finished with my work of art, I asked them to copy that, as well.
You have to understand, at this point, I had no idea what I was doing. I was totally BSing EVERYTHING. As it turns out, BSing isn't just useful as a student, but a super great tool to have mastered while acting as a teacher, as well! Who woulda guessed!? ;)
I then drew a sun, under the heading of "had got" and then drew an arrow facing towards the left (or, towards the "past") and explained to them this: "Look outside! TODAY is sunny. This little happy sun right here?" I paused to draw a smiley face in the sun. "Represents TODAY. But oh! There is an ARROW pointing towards the PAST. THIS!?" I paused and drew a huge crazy scribble behind the arrow. "THIS is the PAST!!!" I continued to draw more crazy scribbles on top of my crazy scribble. "Please copy!"
"You want us to draw that scribble?"
"Um, yes, please."
They were clearly having the time of their life. It might not seem like much, but these kids are lectured on which color pen to use for which thing in which notebook and how many squares to skip in their notebook and how to write their letters just so, etc. To tell them to SCRIBBLE in their notebook next to a smiling sun? This was like the most sacreligious thing they'd ever heard of - and they LOVED it. It felt "naughty" to them! Haha... poor 'lil guys.
I proceeded to draw a flow chart on the board (which they copied) stating that FIRST one must decide if something was happening NOW (HAPPY SUNSHINEY DAY TODAY!) or in the PAST (CRAZY AWESOME SCRIBBLE OF PASTNESS). Once they determined that, if they believed it happened NOW, they had to decide... was the thing happening to a "she" or a "he" or an "it"!?! Yes? Use "has got"!! No? Well then go with "have got" and you will be just fine.
Now, believe me - I was EXTREMELY animated about all of this. I was jumping around the room... doing an interpretive dance of a "past squiggle"... pretending to be a radiating ball of happy TODAYish sunshine and twirling round and round. I was all in. They were enraptured.
And so it was time to see if this ridiculousness had paid off. I orally told them seven sentences and had them fill in the gap. When they were done with each gap, I told them to give themselves bunny ears so I could know when to continue. If they were excited about drawing big squiggles in their notebook, you should have seen the pure joy and bliss on their face when they bunny-eared themselves! WHOA! You would thought I'd just told them Santa was coming that very afternoon!!! O_O
When we got through it all, it was time to correct the exercise. They got them all right - except for sentences with the word "ago" in them. They clearly were not grasping that "ago" was a past marker... AT ALL. And so I explained the general gist of the term and then had them write "a g o" in their notebooks, but had the tail on the 'g' turn into a crazy awesome arrow pointing towards the past. Little light bulbs seemed to flash on throughout the classroom. Even the teacher smiled and said, "Wow! That's very clever! I like it!"
BAMF TEACHER *nanananannana* BAMF TEACHER!!! Oh.... YEAH!!!!!
^_^
Bet those kids never had so much fun reviewing for a test before. ;) Man, I'm awesome.
All in all, a most successful day as a teacher - yay!!
XOXO
In first period we watched half of Forest Gump (awesome). Second period was my usual "wing it" class with the 2nd graders (Awesome Teacher saved the day by deciding we should make Christmas posters). Third period was the DREADED AWFUL class of the week, which continued to be awful because the Scream-o teacher continued her crazy screaming and nothing got accomplished once again.
But after lunch, it was my turn to have that class on my own... and so I welcomed the challenge. ;)
My way of thinking is so strange.
As they came in the room I wrote their "Penalty Minutes" in a box on the board. They were shocked to see they were up to 15 (don't know why they were shocked - I'm shocked it's so low). I reminded them they only had two weeks of class before the party, so this wasn't so great for them. One clever girl then asked if there was any way they could win minutes back. I thought about it for a second, while I watched kids tell her of course I'd never do that (they can clearly tell I'm not very fond of them), but then I responded, "Well, sure. If I don't have to put ONE minute on the board today, I'll give you five minutes back. But one wasted minute and it's all over."
They were incredulous and quickly agreed to my terms.
I wish the principal would have walked by that class as I was teaching it, because I swear that horror class has never been so well behaved and quiet and hardworking in their whole academic career. For. Real.
So I gave 'em their five minutes and they were so estatic that they couldn't for the life of them line up silentely at the door. So I told them as soon as they could be in silence and stand still for 30 seconds, they could run off to their favorite class - gym. It only took me eight tries to be able to fully count to 30 without interuptions. Brother.
Still, an overall win for me, I'd say. ;) I just had to start approaching the blackboard and they'd all fall absolutely silent. It was truly amazing. Haha!!
After so much success I was ready for anything, which was good, 'cause when I walked into class with my 4th graders, I was told I would be leading the class by reviewing for their test on Tuesday.
Oh goodie, little kids' English marks on the line. Wonderful.
We started with "has got" "have got" and "had got" ... and I was supposed to make sure they knew when to use which when. So I wrote them on the board in a funny triangular way.
"Are we supposed to copy it like THAT?" they all asked, clearly bewildered at a teacher writing something not on the lines.
"Um, yeah, please."
I then proceeded to draw a cute little "she" and a handsome little "he" on the board, along with a cupcake with the word "it" on the wrapper. I put them under the "has got" heading. After I was finished with my work of art, I asked them to copy that, as well.
You have to understand, at this point, I had no idea what I was doing. I was totally BSing EVERYTHING. As it turns out, BSing isn't just useful as a student, but a super great tool to have mastered while acting as a teacher, as well! Who woulda guessed!? ;)
I then drew a sun, under the heading of "had got" and then drew an arrow facing towards the left (or, towards the "past") and explained to them this: "Look outside! TODAY is sunny. This little happy sun right here?" I paused to draw a smiley face in the sun. "Represents TODAY. But oh! There is an ARROW pointing towards the PAST. THIS!?" I paused and drew a huge crazy scribble behind the arrow. "THIS is the PAST!!!" I continued to draw more crazy scribbles on top of my crazy scribble. "Please copy!"
"You want us to draw that scribble?"
"Um, yes, please."
They were clearly having the time of their life. It might not seem like much, but these kids are lectured on which color pen to use for which thing in which notebook and how many squares to skip in their notebook and how to write their letters just so, etc. To tell them to SCRIBBLE in their notebook next to a smiling sun? This was like the most sacreligious thing they'd ever heard of - and they LOVED it. It felt "naughty" to them! Haha... poor 'lil guys.
I proceeded to draw a flow chart on the board (which they copied) stating that FIRST one must decide if something was happening NOW (HAPPY SUNSHINEY DAY TODAY!) or in the PAST (CRAZY AWESOME SCRIBBLE OF PASTNESS). Once they determined that, if they believed it happened NOW, they had to decide... was the thing happening to a "she" or a "he" or an "it"!?! Yes? Use "has got"!! No? Well then go with "have got" and you will be just fine.
Now, believe me - I was EXTREMELY animated about all of this. I was jumping around the room... doing an interpretive dance of a "past squiggle"... pretending to be a radiating ball of happy TODAYish sunshine and twirling round and round. I was all in. They were enraptured.
And so it was time to see if this ridiculousness had paid off. I orally told them seven sentences and had them fill in the gap. When they were done with each gap, I told them to give themselves bunny ears so I could know when to continue. If they were excited about drawing big squiggles in their notebook, you should have seen the pure joy and bliss on their face when they bunny-eared themselves! WHOA! You would thought I'd just told them Santa was coming that very afternoon!!! O_O
When we got through it all, it was time to correct the exercise. They got them all right - except for sentences with the word "ago" in them. They clearly were not grasping that "ago" was a past marker... AT ALL. And so I explained the general gist of the term and then had them write "a g o" in their notebooks, but had the tail on the 'g' turn into a crazy awesome arrow pointing towards the past. Little light bulbs seemed to flash on throughout the classroom. Even the teacher smiled and said, "Wow! That's very clever! I like it!"
BAMF TEACHER *nanananannana* BAMF TEACHER!!! Oh.... YEAH!!!!!
^_^
Bet those kids never had so much fun reviewing for a test before. ;) Man, I'm awesome.
All in all, a most successful day as a teacher - yay!!
XOXO
Monday, December 3, 2012
Day 91: SCOTTSKI!!
Today Abby and I actually woke up before noon. In celebration of this rarity, we went to the mall with Katie and Kaitlin. The three of them went primarily for the giant grocery store (/ Spain's version of Target), while I went to find the cheapest long sleeve black shirt I could find (2.99 euros - oh yeah!), as Al Campo was the main store near L's we'd go to for groceries, so it was far from a novelty for me.
After our mini excursion it was time for a nap and for Lazy Sunday to resume as usual. I did make it to the grocery store and made chicken marsala and asparagus for dinner, but that was really the excitement of the day!
Oh - except of course for one HUGE THING....
I'm getting my first visitor of the year on Thursday!!!
Bah! For real! Scott wrote on his Facebook a few days ago that he was thinking about taking a random trip to Europe for a few weeks. I casually commented on his post that I would totally be up for hosting him for a few days in Madrid and would love to show him around. He wrote me right back to tell me he purchased his ticket to Paris and would be in Madrid just in time for my four day weekend this week! HOW AWESOME IS THAT!?!?!?
I've been DYING to have somebody come and visit me!!! I am so excited to plan out what to show him and to pick him up from the airport and show him all around!!! I forget I know people who are just as jet-set and adventurous as I am, and can't wait to nerd out about travel and foreign cities with somebody else who will truly appreciate it!!! YAY!!!
XOXO
After our mini excursion it was time for a nap and for Lazy Sunday to resume as usual. I did make it to the grocery store and made chicken marsala and asparagus for dinner, but that was really the excitement of the day!
Oh - except of course for one HUGE THING....
I'm getting my first visitor of the year on Thursday!!!
Bah! For real! Scott wrote on his Facebook a few days ago that he was thinking about taking a random trip to Europe for a few weeks. I casually commented on his post that I would totally be up for hosting him for a few days in Madrid and would love to show him around. He wrote me right back to tell me he purchased his ticket to Paris and would be in Madrid just in time for my four day weekend this week! HOW AWESOME IS THAT!?!?!?
I've been DYING to have somebody come and visit me!!! I am so excited to plan out what to show him and to pick him up from the airport and show him all around!!! I forget I know people who are just as jet-set and adventurous as I am, and can't wait to nerd out about travel and foreign cities with somebody else who will truly appreciate it!!! YAY!!!
XOXO
Day 90: Abby & Chelsea Take Madrid
We woke up late (as usual), and then realized we were feeling much better and thought it a perfect day to take on Madrid together for the first time!! ^_^
We got into the city around 5pm and went on a mini adventure through the Letter's Neighborhood in search of the super yummy cookie store! A half hour later, we finally found it and bought a bag of 10 mini cookies to split (they lasted us all of twenty minutes - haha). Their new flavor - dark chocolate chip and raspberry - was incredibly delicious. OMG. I may just have to go back there on Tuesday before tango class! ;)
After our cookie journey, we went to Sol and up Gran Via for a little shopping. We started at the ginormous and gorgeous H&M, where I got a lavendar infinity scarf and Abby got a cute little marroon beanie/hat, and continued on our way until we reached the yummy pizza pie shop. A pizza and a fanta later we were on Fuencarral. We stopped in Mango, where we discovered the upstairs was an outlet and Abby got a beautifully chic black wool coat.
Sometimes I wish I could dress as mature and European as she does, but then I remember how much I love fuzzy things and bright colors, and I just give up. I have plenty of years to dress like a normal member of society - or plenty of years to embrace my strange style. o_O Sheesh. In all honesty, if I could find a gorgeous bubble gum pink wool jacket, I would totally go for it - color and class. The day I find my dream coat AND have the money, things will start coming together. ;)
We continued up through Malasana and back down to Plaza Espana. While we walked back up towards Callao, we came across the most ADORABLE leather store!!! Oh. My. Goodness! We walked around all three floors of the adorable store (called Salvador Bachiller) and Abby got a red leather pencil case and I got the most adorable little travel purse!
See, when I travel, I like to have a really tiny purse that I can always keep track of so that nobody has a chance to steal anything and so that it doesn't get too heavy while I'm walking about. This little purse is in the shape of a camera!! It is SO CUTE it's ridiculous!
With my crazy Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat coat, it looks admittedly really silly, but I think when I'm dressed in a real outfit, it will add just the right about of whimsy to it all to seem chic and playful!
After our amazing find, we walked to Plaza Mayor, but the lights still weren't lit. :( We decided to take a detour to Cien Montadidos for tapas and a cana (pint of beer) to end our night. :)
All in all, I really fun time with my dearest room roommate!! <3 It was really fun to be able to go into the city and not be at all nervous about the company I was with for the first time. Abby is the bestest and I'm so lucky and grateful she's my roomie!!
XOXO
We got into the city around 5pm and went on a mini adventure through the Letter's Neighborhood in search of the super yummy cookie store! A half hour later, we finally found it and bought a bag of 10 mini cookies to split (they lasted us all of twenty minutes - haha). Their new flavor - dark chocolate chip and raspberry - was incredibly delicious. OMG. I may just have to go back there on Tuesday before tango class! ;)
After our cookie journey, we went to Sol and up Gran Via for a little shopping. We started at the ginormous and gorgeous H&M, where I got a lavendar infinity scarf and Abby got a cute little marroon beanie/hat, and continued on our way until we reached the yummy pizza pie shop. A pizza and a fanta later we were on Fuencarral. We stopped in Mango, where we discovered the upstairs was an outlet and Abby got a beautifully chic black wool coat.
Sometimes I wish I could dress as mature and European as she does, but then I remember how much I love fuzzy things and bright colors, and I just give up. I have plenty of years to dress like a normal member of society - or plenty of years to embrace my strange style. o_O Sheesh. In all honesty, if I could find a gorgeous bubble gum pink wool jacket, I would totally go for it - color and class. The day I find my dream coat AND have the money, things will start coming together. ;)
We continued up through Malasana and back down to Plaza Espana. While we walked back up towards Callao, we came across the most ADORABLE leather store!!! Oh. My. Goodness! We walked around all three floors of the adorable store (called Salvador Bachiller) and Abby got a red leather pencil case and I got the most adorable little travel purse!
See, when I travel, I like to have a really tiny purse that I can always keep track of so that nobody has a chance to steal anything and so that it doesn't get too heavy while I'm walking about. This little purse is in the shape of a camera!! It is SO CUTE it's ridiculous!
With my crazy Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat coat, it looks admittedly really silly, but I think when I'm dressed in a real outfit, it will add just the right about of whimsy to it all to seem chic and playful!
After our amazing find, we walked to Plaza Mayor, but the lights still weren't lit. :( We decided to take a detour to Cien Montadidos for tapas and a cana (pint of beer) to end our night. :)
All in all, I really fun time with my dearest room roommate!! <3 It was really fun to be able to go into the city and not be at all nervous about the company I was with for the first time. Abby is the bestest and I'm so lucky and grateful she's my roomie!!
XOXO
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Day 89: Sick Day
I woke up this morning with a terribly sore throat. I could barely swallow and barely talk. I texted my boss at the school and asked her if I should stick it out for my two classes I had that day or if I should just go to the doctor. A little while later she told me to go straight to the doctor - that I only had two classes and not to worry about them. She told me to rest up and feel better soon and then texted me a little kissy heart smiley face. <3
Aww!!!
So I went back to sleep around 8:30 am and didn't wake up until 4 pm!!!
Clearly, I really needed extra sleep - bad. Maybe it was the two tango classes this week that took it out of me?
I awoke to find Abby napping in her bed. Apparently, she had a sore throat, too. By the time I woke up it was almost 100% gone, but hers was still bothering her. So we lazed around in bed a bit more and then finally got ourselves to the doctor.
Because the country has public healthcare, and we have private healthcare with our program, everyone goes to the doctor for the smallest thing (i.e. a sore throat). I felt a little guilty, like I was taking advantage of their system and wasting the doctor's time, but it's just something that seems to be normal here. We went and she told us we were just fine - just a swollen throat that would go away with rest - and she wrote me a doctor's note for missing work, and we were off!
We went to the grocery store and came home and made tomato basil bisque with grilled cheeses and cozied up on the couch and watched "Mickey Blue Eyes."
Sometimes, a sick day is just what a couple of girls need. <3
XOXO
Aww!!!
So I went back to sleep around 8:30 am and didn't wake up until 4 pm!!!
Clearly, I really needed extra sleep - bad. Maybe it was the two tango classes this week that took it out of me?
I awoke to find Abby napping in her bed. Apparently, she had a sore throat, too. By the time I woke up it was almost 100% gone, but hers was still bothering her. So we lazed around in bed a bit more and then finally got ourselves to the doctor.
Because the country has public healthcare, and we have private healthcare with our program, everyone goes to the doctor for the smallest thing (i.e. a sore throat). I felt a little guilty, like I was taking advantage of their system and wasting the doctor's time, but it's just something that seems to be normal here. We went and she told us we were just fine - just a swollen throat that would go away with rest - and she wrote me a doctor's note for missing work, and we were off!
We went to the grocery store and came home and made tomato basil bisque with grilled cheeses and cozied up on the couch and watched "Mickey Blue Eyes."
Sometimes, a sick day is just what a couple of girls need. <3
XOXO
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Day 88: Life Vest Under Your Seat
On this day (last time I was in Spain), I was boarding a plane back to America.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), a part of me felt like it was dying.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), I had to say goodbye to a life and a girl I'd fallen in love with.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), all I could do was hope I'd find a way to get back here - I promised myself I'd stop at nothing to do so.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), my Spanish parents brought me to the airport, L waited with me, trying her best to distract us both from what was coming.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), Conor left me a penny in the bin as I passed through security, to tell me it would all be okay.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), all I could do when L disappeared on the other side of the wall was listen to my song over and over and over again.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), I smiled when I saw the sign in front of my seat that read, "Life Vest Under Your Seat."
On this day (last time I was in Spain), the storybook Spanish Fairytale of a summer was violently shut and taken out of my hands and all I could do was cry the whole way home, and for months and months and months afterwards.
Hell, I'm crying right now listening to that song I have forever branded as Day 88's song:
"I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up;
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream."
That day was both the worst and the most amazing day. Leaving everything behind was the most difficult thing I could have ever been asked to do. But waking up to a girl who had grown to love me in such a little amount of time and made me feel so lucky and happy. Waking up to two people downstairs who I'd grown to call my second family there, missing work, to be there for me. Waking up, knowing I had to go back, but realizing all the love I was surrounded by from people who just three months earlier I didn't even know - it was amazing.
It's truly incredible how 88 little days can change your life so much.
Yes, I made it back, as I had promised myself I would. But it's not the same. Every few days I'll see Shandy or franken-fish, or notice it's 7:30 at night and I'm in Madrid, or walk by the statue/circular bench outside the metro station after lessons with Nacho, or see a head of cabbage at the fruteria. And every time I'll have to tell myself she has a right to never want to have anything to do with me again and I don't have the right to do anything about that. But it doesn't mean I don't wish I had the balls to try. That I didn't have the sometimes obnoxious "everything is how it's supposed to be" voice preaching inside of my head.
It's still wonderful and there's nowhere I'd rather be, but it's not the same. Those three months were - without a doubt - the best three months of my life. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if they'll ever be topped. I'm only 23. It'd be silly to say for certain they won't be. But they were just so perfect. And I'm so grateful for them.
Without them, I wouldn't be back here. I would have never learned about the Master's program I'm currently in. I would have never considered living in Spain. I might not have truly considered being a teacher. I wouldn't have left my life that I wanted but that wasn't making me happy on a daily basis.
Although I may not have that perfect storybook adventure this time around, I do find myself every single day stopping to think how happy I am here. I do find myself thinking how grateful I am to have returned, to be in the fantastic city, to be getting a Master's degree, to be teaching, to have a wonderful place with great roomies, to be living a life abroad, to be speaking Spanish, to have my Spanish family nearby, to go on adventures. And I am so very grateful that this time around, I don't have to leave after a mere 88 days.
I cannot imagine how lost I would feel if I had to go home today. And I thought I felt lost last summer!! Reentry is already a b*tch, but add relationships into the mix and it's horrendous. I know I made some awful choices when I went home last summer and hurt just about everybody that meant the world to me, but I gotta say, I'm surprised I was able to keep myself together at all. Just the thought of "What if I had to get on a plane and go back to the USA today?" makes me feel like throwing up.
Eighty-eight days may not seem that many to a person who's living a life of routine in the same place with the same people and the same job, but when you're on a foreign adventure with all new people and places and experiences, etc. - it's a shockingly long period of time; a period of time which has the power to change all of your intrinsic perspectives about life you've held since you were born and, more importantly, to change who you are. And to have all of those changes to happen to you just like that and suddenly be ripped away from it all - that's utterly disorienting and devastating.
I know I won't be here forever. I know that in July I'll have to board that plane. But this time, I will know what I'm doing (I hope!) and I will be the confident, sanguine, loving, adventurous girl I need to be to succeed. ;) At least 211 days to go - phew. I'm so happy I'm not even 1/3 done this go around! ^_^
And so, to end this milestone of a blog post, the poem I wrote for last year's Day 88 entry:
On this day (last time I was in Spain), a part of me felt like it was dying.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), I had to say goodbye to a life and a girl I'd fallen in love with.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), all I could do was hope I'd find a way to get back here - I promised myself I'd stop at nothing to do so.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), my Spanish parents brought me to the airport, L waited with me, trying her best to distract us both from what was coming.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), Conor left me a penny in the bin as I passed through security, to tell me it would all be okay.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), all I could do when L disappeared on the other side of the wall was listen to my song over and over and over again.
On this day (last time I was in Spain), I smiled when I saw the sign in front of my seat that read, "Life Vest Under Your Seat."
On this day (last time I was in Spain), the storybook Spanish Fairytale of a summer was violently shut and taken out of my hands and all I could do was cry the whole way home, and for months and months and months afterwards.
Hell, I'm crying right now listening to that song I have forever branded as Day 88's song:
"I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up;
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream."
That day was both the worst and the most amazing day. Leaving everything behind was the most difficult thing I could have ever been asked to do. But waking up to a girl who had grown to love me in such a little amount of time and made me feel so lucky and happy. Waking up to two people downstairs who I'd grown to call my second family there, missing work, to be there for me. Waking up, knowing I had to go back, but realizing all the love I was surrounded by from people who just three months earlier I didn't even know - it was amazing.
It's truly incredible how 88 little days can change your life so much.
Yes, I made it back, as I had promised myself I would. But it's not the same. Every few days I'll see Shandy or franken-fish, or notice it's 7:30 at night and I'm in Madrid, or walk by the statue/circular bench outside the metro station after lessons with Nacho, or see a head of cabbage at the fruteria. And every time I'll have to tell myself she has a right to never want to have anything to do with me again and I don't have the right to do anything about that. But it doesn't mean I don't wish I had the balls to try. That I didn't have the sometimes obnoxious "everything is how it's supposed to be" voice preaching inside of my head.
It's still wonderful and there's nowhere I'd rather be, but it's not the same. Those three months were - without a doubt - the best three months of my life. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if they'll ever be topped. I'm only 23. It'd be silly to say for certain they won't be. But they were just so perfect. And I'm so grateful for them.
Without them, I wouldn't be back here. I would have never learned about the Master's program I'm currently in. I would have never considered living in Spain. I might not have truly considered being a teacher. I wouldn't have left my life that I wanted but that wasn't making me happy on a daily basis.
Although I may not have that perfect storybook adventure this time around, I do find myself every single day stopping to think how happy I am here. I do find myself thinking how grateful I am to have returned, to be in the fantastic city, to be getting a Master's degree, to be teaching, to have a wonderful place with great roomies, to be living a life abroad, to be speaking Spanish, to have my Spanish family nearby, to go on adventures. And I am so very grateful that this time around, I don't have to leave after a mere 88 days.
I cannot imagine how lost I would feel if I had to go home today. And I thought I felt lost last summer!! Reentry is already a b*tch, but add relationships into the mix and it's horrendous. I know I made some awful choices when I went home last summer and hurt just about everybody that meant the world to me, but I gotta say, I'm surprised I was able to keep myself together at all. Just the thought of "What if I had to get on a plane and go back to the USA today?" makes me feel like throwing up.
Eighty-eight days may not seem that many to a person who's living a life of routine in the same place with the same people and the same job, but when you're on a foreign adventure with all new people and places and experiences, etc. - it's a shockingly long period of time; a period of time which has the power to change all of your intrinsic perspectives about life you've held since you were born and, more importantly, to change who you are. And to have all of those changes to happen to you just like that and suddenly be ripped away from it all - that's utterly disorienting and devastating.
I know I won't be here forever. I know that in July I'll have to board that plane. But this time, I will know what I'm doing (I hope!) and I will be the confident, sanguine, loving, adventurous girl I need to be to succeed. ;) At least 211 days to go - phew. I'm so happy I'm not even 1/3 done this go around! ^_^
And so, to end this milestone of a blog post, the poem I wrote for last year's Day 88 entry:
Life Vest Under Your Seat
(Chelly's Version)
Good afternoon ladies and gentleman,
and Madrid already behind me,
the exquisite, old buildings of Spain
framing a jaded, hardened yet delicate girl,
good afternoon ladies and gentleman,
we're currently flying high at an altitude of two thousand feet,
high like my sanguine hopes
after responding to your first email, a question,
you asked could you show me around the city sometime,
according to international regulations,
you'll find four emergency doors on this aircraft,
or how about a stroll around Parque Europa, maybe cupcakes in Retiro,
living without expectation, practically limitless
the many ways the nighttime looked, we'd watch clouds
turn into stars, always taking the night bus
always amusingly too late for our own good,
you giving me the window seat; your favorite seat,
we're flying at a velocity of nine hundred
kilometers, I told you
the truth; how I felt,
that last night after a picnic turned to stone tears,
because I want to remember you at home, cabbaging,
preparing for long walks with copious amounts of water bottles,
under the sweating, cornflower sky
of Spain's late afternoons,
sweaty like the two basking in the glow of half-light,
with Madrid already behind me,
the truth; how I felt,
they ask us to please use
our seat belts, not to unbuckle them
until the captain has turned off the seat belt sign,
make sure seat-backs,
you have to message me, are in the upright position.
XOXO
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Day 87: Contentment
I was walking with my chips and guac this afternoon, over to my bench by the feral kitties I sit at every Monday and Wednesday while waiting for my private lessons to begin. As I was walking, my mind wandered and I began to ponder what exactly I was doing this time last year. I thought about my job, my one friend, my home-life...
I admit I've fallen deep into that trap of longing for the past and forgetting to always see the wonderfulness of the present. But as I was walking, thinking about where I was - physically, emotionally and mentally - this time last year, it occurred to me that I wouldn't rather be anywhere but where I am. I don't even remember what life was like before my wonderful roomies. I don't even remember what life was like before my free nights wandering the streets of the beautifully enchanting city of Madrid and always finding a new, hidden street or a new, facinating building. I don't even remember what life was like before having a job inwhich I have complete freedom to use my creativity and my personality to teach and inspire tiny, optimistic people.
I believe it's safe to say that I've never felt this important and valued in so many peoples' lives at once - and certainly it's been a long while since I've felt this important and valued all on my own, by my little sweet self deep inside of me.
I no longer come home to an empty apartment and wonder when somebody is going to care enough to come home to me. My roommates are always so excited when I walk through that door. Every. Single Day. They always ask me all about my day. They always tell me all about theres. They always tell me how happy they are to see me or that they adore me or that I'm silly or that I'm crazy. They're always giggling with me (or at me - haha) and have a smile on their face. I feel like I'm somebody to them. I feel like they truly want to be around me. I feel like I positively impact their day. I feel like they would notice if I weren't around.
I didn't feel that way very often this time last year. Not at all. I KNEW I was important to someone, I KNEW I was adored, but I rarely truly felt like it. Instead I felt like I wasn't enough, like I wasn't deserving of time and energy and adoration. I felt like I was in the way. I felt like my presence was heavy. I felt like it was a chore to have me always around. I felt like I was in the way, or even sometimes forgotten. I didn't feel irreplaceable or adored for who I was in any sense of the word. I felt like I was broken and undeserving, and I didn't know what I'd done wrong nor how to fix it to get the attention and love I so craved.
This is in no way to blame anybody - other nor myself - but simply and observation. I read it in my chart far before it happened, so perhaps it was one of those moments in life that was created for some bigger reason. But to compare how I felt then to now - it's almost astonishing.
Those who are close to me but have never seen me out of my home country don't know this girl. This Chelsea is not the Chelsea that exists in America. This girl is autonomous and she knows it. She KNOWS her life is all up to her - and her alone - and is not just about to mess that up. Nobody in America has seen nor met this girl. They all think I go abroad to "run away from myself," but they don't understand that I'm running towards myself. This is where I thrive. This is where I can be who I am. How lucky I am to have found a place like that.
I was reading my "personal bible" the other day and flipped to the chapter about meditation for the first time. I'd always thought meditation was about clearing your mind, but when I read the chapter I was awestruck. He wrote about walking meditation, in which you walk for thirty minutes just taking in everything, observing every detail you can, seeing things from different perspectives, focusing on the minute details and the big picture all at once. The idea, he wrote, was that by doing this you became absolutely present in the "here and now." You couldn't help but be in the moment.
I smiled. THIS is what I do when I'm abroad. I could do this for days and never tire of it. I get off a random metro stop and I just start walking, looking at the buildings, the graffiti, the ground, the signs, the people, the pipes, the fonts, the food, the cracks, the stores, the sky, the posters, the lights - everything. I could spend a half hour on two blocks just taking it all in. I wander until I'm lost - that's when I'm happiest - and marvel at how much of the city I still haven't seen despite all of these long walks. While on these walks my past and my future don't exist - only the street before me and my divine and infinite curiousity and awe exist.
I then turned to the next meditation exercise - "Stopping." The writer suggests you do this multiple times and day and just stop whatever you're doing for 60 seconds and really focus intently on one thing around you. Oddly, I've always been very fond of doing just this. Last night, for example, on the metro I started focusing on the "Exit" drawing posted on the train. I started to wonder who drew it, how much he made, why he chose the color green, how he decided to put it on the left side of the train, why he didn't give the running man feet, what the designer's official title was, if he ever took the metro and marveled at his work, why he made the perspective so strange, etc. I became so immersed in this tiny sign that I didn't notice when three stops on the train went by and I was just about home.
At times it truly seems that appreciating and being curious about the tiniest things really makes it easier and more fun to examine things in your very personal life.
And so I want to take a paragraph to simply thank myself (myself from exactly 87 days ago) for being brave enough to risk everything she knew and held most important and dear and embark on this adventure. I know it was one of the hardest things you've had to do - I know it was scary and depressing and terrifying and lonely. I know you had to have a huge chunk of faith when faith was incredibly sparse. I know you often felt lost and like you had no idea what you were doing. I know you felt like you were throwing the only thing that kept you afloat away and you were completely unsure if you were making the gravest mistake of your life. But I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul for being brave enough to listen to that quiet little voice - to listen to me (to listen to yourself) - and to dive in all at once with everything you had in you.
I'm so very happy you're starting to see it now for yourself. I'm so very happy it's starting to make you happy again, because I know how sad you were for a very long time. I'm so happy you were brave enough to open yourself and listen to me when I would have those moments in which I could tell you to just keep going. But I want you to know - you haven't seen anything yet. This is only the beginning. Just because it's not scary and depressing and lonely anymore doesn't mean there isn't still an incredible amount of magic brewing behind the scenes - on the contrary! Now that we've gotten you back to the blissful place of self-love and support you were last summer, it's time to really start doing some incredibly, unbelieveably, wonderous and enchanted things.
And so I want to thank you for placing all of your faith into me (us) and risking it all. I promise not to disappoint you. <3 I'm so proud of how hard you worked and how devoted you've been. You keep up the moxie, the sanguinity and the tenacity and I'll keep up my end to find you the perfect people, places and experiences to help you create your dream life. Double pinkie swear promise. ;)
XOXO
I admit I've fallen deep into that trap of longing for the past and forgetting to always see the wonderfulness of the present. But as I was walking, thinking about where I was - physically, emotionally and mentally - this time last year, it occurred to me that I wouldn't rather be anywhere but where I am. I don't even remember what life was like before my wonderful roomies. I don't even remember what life was like before my free nights wandering the streets of the beautifully enchanting city of Madrid and always finding a new, hidden street or a new, facinating building. I don't even remember what life was like before having a job inwhich I have complete freedom to use my creativity and my personality to teach and inspire tiny, optimistic people.
I believe it's safe to say that I've never felt this important and valued in so many peoples' lives at once - and certainly it's been a long while since I've felt this important and valued all on my own, by my little sweet self deep inside of me.
I no longer come home to an empty apartment and wonder when somebody is going to care enough to come home to me. My roommates are always so excited when I walk through that door. Every. Single Day. They always ask me all about my day. They always tell me all about theres. They always tell me how happy they are to see me or that they adore me or that I'm silly or that I'm crazy. They're always giggling with me (or at me - haha) and have a smile on their face. I feel like I'm somebody to them. I feel like they truly want to be around me. I feel like I positively impact their day. I feel like they would notice if I weren't around.
I didn't feel that way very often this time last year. Not at all. I KNEW I was important to someone, I KNEW I was adored, but I rarely truly felt like it. Instead I felt like I wasn't enough, like I wasn't deserving of time and energy and adoration. I felt like I was in the way. I felt like my presence was heavy. I felt like it was a chore to have me always around. I felt like I was in the way, or even sometimes forgotten. I didn't feel irreplaceable or adored for who I was in any sense of the word. I felt like I was broken and undeserving, and I didn't know what I'd done wrong nor how to fix it to get the attention and love I so craved.
This is in no way to blame anybody - other nor myself - but simply and observation. I read it in my chart far before it happened, so perhaps it was one of those moments in life that was created for some bigger reason. But to compare how I felt then to now - it's almost astonishing.
Those who are close to me but have never seen me out of my home country don't know this girl. This Chelsea is not the Chelsea that exists in America. This girl is autonomous and she knows it. She KNOWS her life is all up to her - and her alone - and is not just about to mess that up. Nobody in America has seen nor met this girl. They all think I go abroad to "run away from myself," but they don't understand that I'm running towards myself. This is where I thrive. This is where I can be who I am. How lucky I am to have found a place like that.
I was reading my "personal bible" the other day and flipped to the chapter about meditation for the first time. I'd always thought meditation was about clearing your mind, but when I read the chapter I was awestruck. He wrote about walking meditation, in which you walk for thirty minutes just taking in everything, observing every detail you can, seeing things from different perspectives, focusing on the minute details and the big picture all at once. The idea, he wrote, was that by doing this you became absolutely present in the "here and now." You couldn't help but be in the moment.
I smiled. THIS is what I do when I'm abroad. I could do this for days and never tire of it. I get off a random metro stop and I just start walking, looking at the buildings, the graffiti, the ground, the signs, the people, the pipes, the fonts, the food, the cracks, the stores, the sky, the posters, the lights - everything. I could spend a half hour on two blocks just taking it all in. I wander until I'm lost - that's when I'm happiest - and marvel at how much of the city I still haven't seen despite all of these long walks. While on these walks my past and my future don't exist - only the street before me and my divine and infinite curiousity and awe exist.
I then turned to the next meditation exercise - "Stopping." The writer suggests you do this multiple times and day and just stop whatever you're doing for 60 seconds and really focus intently on one thing around you. Oddly, I've always been very fond of doing just this. Last night, for example, on the metro I started focusing on the "Exit" drawing posted on the train. I started to wonder who drew it, how much he made, why he chose the color green, how he decided to put it on the left side of the train, why he didn't give the running man feet, what the designer's official title was, if he ever took the metro and marveled at his work, why he made the perspective so strange, etc. I became so immersed in this tiny sign that I didn't notice when three stops on the train went by and I was just about home.
At times it truly seems that appreciating and being curious about the tiniest things really makes it easier and more fun to examine things in your very personal life.
And so I want to take a paragraph to simply thank myself (myself from exactly 87 days ago) for being brave enough to risk everything she knew and held most important and dear and embark on this adventure. I know it was one of the hardest things you've had to do - I know it was scary and depressing and terrifying and lonely. I know you had to have a huge chunk of faith when faith was incredibly sparse. I know you often felt lost and like you had no idea what you were doing. I know you felt like you were throwing the only thing that kept you afloat away and you were completely unsure if you were making the gravest mistake of your life. But I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul for being brave enough to listen to that quiet little voice - to listen to me (to listen to yourself) - and to dive in all at once with everything you had in you.
I'm so very happy you're starting to see it now for yourself. I'm so very happy it's starting to make you happy again, because I know how sad you were for a very long time. I'm so happy you were brave enough to open yourself and listen to me when I would have those moments in which I could tell you to just keep going. But I want you to know - you haven't seen anything yet. This is only the beginning. Just because it's not scary and depressing and lonely anymore doesn't mean there isn't still an incredible amount of magic brewing behind the scenes - on the contrary! Now that we've gotten you back to the blissful place of self-love and support you were last summer, it's time to really start doing some incredibly, unbelieveably, wonderous and enchanted things.
And so I want to thank you for placing all of your faith into me (us) and risking it all. I promise not to disappoint you. <3 I'm so proud of how hard you worked and how devoted you've been. You keep up the moxie, the sanguinity and the tenacity and I'll keep up my end to find you the perfect people, places and experiences to help you create your dream life. Double pinkie swear promise. ;)
XOXO
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)